Blessed in the Midst of a Storm

Morning of Reflection

2009-07-05T09:16:00.001-05:00

Well, life is "different." That's all I can say. We have gotten through the first year and 4 months since Tori's death, changed and just different, but life is finally starting to feel somewhat "normal" again. It's taken this long, and I really feel like for me personally that it's gotten somewhat better because of my "job" (it's so much more than a job, though) and all of the relationships and blessings it's brought into my life.

I told you all awhile back that I started selling Premier jewelry back in March. To be exact, I started the week of Tori's one year anniversary of her death. I needed a second, part time income and that is why I initially started. But the relationships I've built through it (it's a Christian based company and has offered so much more than jewelry) have been life changing. It has helped boost my self confidence, my feelings of self worth & work through my feelings of grief (give me happiness & purpose as a person) believe it or not. It may sound crazy, but it's true.

Like I said, it's SO much more than selling jewelry. It's about the relationships I've built, like the girl I signed up named Victoria, "Tori," the week of Mother's Day. I honestly believe that was a small blessing the Lord gave at that time because I truly needed a pick me up, and it helped console me the week of Mother's Day to be honest. Some people thought it might have been difficult or that it was even just a coincidence, but it was almost like a confirmation to me of some kind....that Tori will always be "alive" to me, and that her memory will always be special and "live on" through others. My "new" Tori will always be special to me, I know, not just because of her name, but because she has the sweetest personality and has ended up encouraging ME many times when I'm supposed to be the one encouraging her!! :) Needless to say, I've met and been able to minister to and encourage (and be encouraged) so much during these past 5 months. My husband has even commented how much happier and self worth I feel from this experience. I KNOW that the Lord brough this into my friend's life when He did and then later into mine for this reason. Otherwise, I may still be trying to get through each day trying to smile, find something to be REALLY happy about (and I mean more than just a smile or laugh...I mean lasting feeling of importance). My Savior and my family are plenty enough reason to have full joy, but you know what I mean by needing something just for "you," that daily will give you that self worth...or else you could just shrivel up and die. Maybe you don't know what I mean, and grief of losing a child just makes you feel that way. Either way, it's not been perfect, but much more bearable and happier than it has in a loooooong time (2 years to be exact).

It's hard to believe that 2 years ago, I was still pregnant with Tori at this time. I remember that summer vividly. Our air went out when I was almost 6 months and it was mid July to August, so I remember it vividly :) If you've ever been pregnant in the summertime, you know what I mean!! :) I quit work full time in July that year to stay home with my babies in a few months. Little did I know, that only 2 months after quitting work, my life would be changed forever. From the day I went into the hospital in September and they said you won't be leaving here until you have this baby, I knew I was changed forever. I knew that it wouldn't be weeks or months that i would be there, either. I knew how sick I was, and I couldn't feel that way for too long...it was too serious. I was there for a week before I got too sick and she was born. NICU life began and we were never the same.

Honestly, if she wouldn't have been born early and all would have been perfectly normal, I probably would've taken it all for granted and brought home another healthy baby and went on with my selfish life, not appreciating or considering all I have over the past 2 years. It's scary the big things that God can use to get our attention, but if we are reliant on Him and willing to be changed and molded, He blesses us beyond imagination. I would ultimately want her here, but the impact her life has made on me and many others, is worth it. yes, worth it.

I have been having major baby fever lately to be honest. But we have SO much medical debt and cemetery bills (we went ahead and bought plots beside her) and we've got to alleviate some of that before I even think of having another baby. We want to be smart about it and not strap ourselves. It's almost not fair (by the world's standards) to have to pay for things and not have a baby here to show for it. Ultimately, though, i know the Lord won't put anything on us we can't handle (and that includes financially) and He has provided and blessed us thus far, so I know He will continue to in some way (it may not be some supernatural rescue like I've been telling my husband), but eventually we will pay it all off. There's also the health risks for myself and my baby I worry about now, which is only normal, but I don't want fear to be the reason I choose to not have baby if the doctors have given us the okay and can have another. Just pray for us in this area if you feel led. For us to be able to alleviate this medical debt (which is why I started Premier) and to have peace about having another child if and when we are supposed to.

Thanks for "listening"....reflecting and looking back and thinking about things can be helpful sometimes somehow. I have seen the Lord take my pain and use it for His glory many times already. I know somehow He wants to continue to use this experience and this precious baby's life that was formed and developed in my womb with no surprise to her Creator. I know He knew what He was doing and I don't question it any longer. I thank Him for the GIFT of this precious baby and the 6 months I had with her, and will never regret any of it. I'm glad you all got the chance to "know" her just a little, too. :)

Oh, to Think Simple Again...

2009-06-16T14:21:00.009-05:00

So my hubby and I joined a local gym where they have childcare, and all 3 of us love going together now! On our way home the other day, we had the AC on, but we were all sweaty & stinky anyway, so I thought why not roll down the windows since it wasn't raining? Savannah LOVES the windows being down (except at times when she's a dramatic girly girl...I don't know WHO she gets that from...LOL...and says the wind is messing up her hair! :) hehe). On this afternoon, though, she LOVED it. She put her hand out in the wind and made a "surfing," up and down motion into the wind with her hand as she danced along with the music on the radio.

The hubby and I had been talking about LIFE...finances and other "stressful" things that were on our mind. As we were done discussing and it was quiet except for the radio, I looked in the side mirror where I could see Savannah with a smile on her face, hand out the window, looking up at the sky. She stared for awhile and then said, "Momma, the sky is so beautiful today." It was at that moment that I looked up at the sky, and it was indeed such a beautiful day. The sky was a bright, pretty blue, and the clouds looked like puffy cotton balls floating around so gracefully. It was one of those afternoons where you would definitely have heard the birds singing all their happy songs and it wasn't too hot to enjoy...it was perfect. I replied after soaking in what she had been thinking, "Why yes it is, baby." I turned to my husband light hearted after just having such a deep, serious discussion and said, "If we could only think that simple again. You don't need any amount of money in the world to just look up, notice and enjoy such a beautiful sky." He agreed instantly, realizing the point I was making, and turned back to smile at her.

I don't know why her pointing out this simple, yet profound, fact was so important to me, but I hope I never forget that moment. Too many times in life, I don't take time to "smell the roses," but I bet my 3 year old would. I don't slow down & enjoy all that life presents me with everyday. I think about all the potential blessings I've probably missed by being in such a hurry and only thinking about all the "important things" like finances, etc. What about even being more concerned with someone else instead of myself? I would probably see the beauty in a lot more people and situations.

I'm so glad my 3 year old helps keep me grounded, humble, and positive. It was at that moment that I put my hand out the window, making the same surfing, up and down motion into the wind along with my daughter and sang along to the song with her. It definitely WAS a beautiful day...with the perfect sky. I want to take the time to look up more often and notice it, rather than looking down, preoccupied with everything else, too busy to notice. When is the last time you "looked at the beautiful sky?"

2 months

2009-05-17T18:43:00.004-05:00

Well, it's been almost 2 months since i last posted! I've gone from posting daily, to every few days, to weekly, then monthly, and now 2 months...what's the deal?! Well, i'm glad you asked...so let me just tell you. :)

Well, it was the end of March when I last posted so after that, I was so busy in April with my new business, Premier Designs Jewelry, and it definitely showed, because that is my best month so far! I seemed to be on the go in April non stop. Easter also contributed to the busy times as I'm sure it did for everyone. Then came May and Mother's Day. I started to post around mother's Day, but it was a really bad week for me leading up to it, so I decided against posting because I was so emotional and it would have probably been this deep, dark post that I've done many times before, I'm sure. I know, I know, some people may say THAT'S when you need to write the most, and get your feelings out, but to be honest, that was the first time in a long time that I felt better to actually NOT get out everything I was feeling. You never know how you're going to feel with grief...even a year later after a death. Some days you're totally okay about talking about it all, and then others you're not even in the mood to think about it. It's an undescribable thing for sure.

One way that I was able to help deal with my grief more effectively is by attending a "Time for Remembering" ceremony today in honor of Tori and many other children who died last year at Vanderbilt's Children Hospital. We went to Nashville today for this ceremony and planted flowers in memory of the child we were there "remembering." There were a few names and families I knew and recognized, that had passed away before, after, or around the same time as Tori had. They were children all the way from babies like Tori, to pre teens, like Matthew Litchfield. I am sure next year they will invite Caleb Gill's family, the one I had asked you to pray for, because he passed away 9 months after his diagnosis last August. He was there in the Ronald McDonald house for awhile, which we went by today to drop off some pop tops off cans, and it was weeeeeeird. Felt like I had never left in a way. It was the same at the hospital....

Josh and I both were pretty silent a lot of the time, we didn't know how we would react or respond when we had planned to go. We hadn't been back to the hospital since the day she passed away, and it was like a lump in my throat a lot of the day until after the ceremony. We walked around the hospital and looked at everything, still the same as the day we left. It was Sunday, so I knew it wouldn't be near as crowded as it is during the week, so we walked and went to all the places we used to on a daily basis just for reminiscing sake. Savannah remembered where we were after we told her where we were walking into. She remembered riding in a wagon around the hospital, going in and kissing Tori in her bed, watching the train, and lots of other things. After being there for as long as we were, it was our home away from home for awhile so we felt right back at "Home" so to speak. The only difference was, she wasn't there.

The fact that she wasn't there kept coming to mind. When we pulled up to the place where we loaded our car with all of her many stuffed animals, clothes, blankets, cards, etc that last day when she died, I could see it all so clearly again. I wished at that moment that I could rewind time to that snowy morning and not see her heart start to slow and her breaths become slower and longer as she lay in my arms. But, that wouldn't have brought a lot of the things that the Lord has brought into my life, although i can't say that I didn't think that, even for a split second.

During the ceremony, when the chief of pediatrics spoke, he said several things that hit home to me. He talked about how he believed it took great courage for everyone to come back to this place today....this place where you saw your child take his or her's last breath, that you said your final goodbyes to, and left this place without your child going home with you...something you never thought you'd have to do. That was the truth, though...it did take great courage. My parents met us there later before the ceremony started, but all day i had already been thinking about how we all almost didn't come. We all thought it would be too much. We thought of how WE would feel. But i remember telling my mom that it wasn't right for us to not honor Tori's life by not going because of how WE would feel. Imagine if you died and no one wanted to go to a memorial ceremony and plant flowers in your memory all because of how bad or inconvenient it may be for them to feel that way for the day. I said, no, we're not going to not go. We're doing this for HER, no matter how difficult it may be. Then when he talked about that, i was like, yeah, that's exactly how we all felt...scared to come for all those reasons he mentioned.

He talked about a lot of other things, and there was a song, and special responsive litany we read aloud, all of the names were announced and i just cried when they read "Victoria Leigh Wilhoit" because I was so proud to hear my baby's name out loud over a speaker in an auditorium because it meant she had a name, a purpose, a life that touched myself and many others. She had been REAL, not something i just got upset about and cried over as a figment of my imagination. She was being honored in front of all those families, as were their babies to all of us. It was just a great time.

We then planted flowers in the Children's Garden at the hospital. It was sweet and beautiful to see everyone planting flowers in memory of their child. A note in the program talked about why do we plant flowers if they're only going to die in the winter? It went on to explain that it was the same as our child's lives...short, but meaningful, so we should plant them and let them bring beauty to others during their short time here, just as our children brought joy and beauty to ours and others lives while they were here. WOW.

So, it was a bittersweet but great day. One that I will treasure forever. I'm so appreciative to Vanderbilt for doing this for families as they continue to grieve the loss of their children. I know it meant a lot to so many other families as well.

I will try not to be so long about posting again, but need to go for now. Thanks for taking the time to "catch up" and read my blog. Hope you all are doing well. if you have a facebook and we're not friends, I check that and my email everyday if you'd like to stay in touch even when I'm not blogging. Talk to you all soon....

Heartbreaking Moments

2009-03-23T08:50:00.004-05:00

It's moments like last night when Tori's death is hard. Josh went into Tori's room (it is still set up as her room except for our full size bed now) and saw Savannah standing there still looking at all of Tori's pictures in the frames. Josh startled her because she was in deep thought looking at them when he asked what she was doing. I promise with every fiber of my being, this is what this precious baby said: "I want Tori here. Can we go to the hospital and get her?" And before Josh could answer, it was like it hit her that she knew that wasn't right...because then she said, "No, she isn't there, is she? She's in heaven." Her daddy agreed and told her yes, she was indeed in Heaven with Jesus. She then asked if we could fly on birds and go to Heaven, too. How do you explain this to a 3 year old? I've tried many times, and told her that because Jesus died on the cross for us, we can go to heaven one day and see her again. She then went on to tell me that time that she wanted to die on a cross, too, so she could go to Heaven. I told her she didn't have to do that, that Jesus did it for us. So confusing to her and I don't try to make her fully comprehend just now, but it hurts me as her and Tori's mother because she doesn't understand. Later on last night, she asked me if she could have another baby sister. WOW.

So, my heart is left in shambles when I think on all this childlike innocence and how bittersweet her longing for Tori is, how she still remembers her and so many details, and how she longs for that sisterly companion, too. I praise the Lord for not letting my heart stay in this broken place all the time. He gives me so much joy to outweigh the sad times like this. Because trust me, there's plenty sad times when I don't expect them. For instance, this song I heard on the radio yesterday as we were traveling home from out of town. I was just numb after hearing it. It's called "Sissy's Song."

Why did she have to go
So young I just don't know why
Things happen half the time
Without reason without rhyme
Lovely, sweet young woman
(could've been a) Daughter, wife and mother
Makes no sense to me
I just have to believe

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me

Loved ones she left behind
Just trying to survive
And understand the why
Feeling so lost inside
Anger shot straight at God
Then asking for His love
Empty with disbelief
Just hoping that maybe

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me

It's hard to say goodbye
Her picture in my mind
Will always be of times I'll cherish
And I won't cry 'cause

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me
Don't worry 'bout me
Don`t worry 'bout me

Spirit Filled

2009-03-16T15:39:00.005-05:00

Yesterday's sermon was on living a spirit filled life and being a spiritually minded Christian! What do you think it means to be spirit filled and how should it guide our everyday walk through this earthly life? We talked about the fruits of the Spirit that would be evident if we are living the spirit filled life ("they will know you by your fruits...") and I must admit that some of the fruits are very hard for me to constantly show in my own life....

LOVE- do I show LOVE when someone cuts me off on the highway and I yell at them how stupid they are?? do I show LOVE when I bite my husband's head off on the way to church and then act like nothing's wrong when I greet others at church?? do I show LOVE when I am offended or hurt by someone and instead of "loving" them as Jesus would, I hold resentment and bitterness towards them in my heart?? NO ONE would know I was a Christian if they saw this as the fruit I constantly was bearing from my tree.

JOY- this has been a tough one for me in the past. I have battled with depression for several years, and Satan always seems to come through and try to steal my joy at just the right time. But REAL JOY, the JOY from the LORD, not from any earthly high, would be evident despite our circumstances that may have us feeling otherwise. Now I'm not saying you're not allowed to have a bad day, a bad attitude, a sad mood, or anything like that...but is your fruit showing that you are a pleasant, happy person or a sad, down in the dumps person where circumstances steal your joy from day to day? We can CHOOSE to have joy- after all, we have been Redeemed by our Creator Himself....what more could you need to have lasting joy??

PEACE- do you have peace when you're worrying about your finances?? Do you have peace when you are sitting at home worrying about your child or spouse...wondering what they're doing and putting all your hope, faith and trust in them instead of the Lord Almighty?? Something to think about. Only HE can give TRUE peace when our world is falling apart in the world's eyes.

PATIENCE- I mess up at this one everyday. When I am so quick to get angry with my 3 year old, I am reminded that I am NOT having the patience that I want the Lord to have with me! God forbid I be so hard on and unforgiving with others when I expect the Lord to be SO patient with me and unconditionally loving and forgiving!

KINDNESS- Do we just smile fakely at others and say hello or are we really KIND? Are we generous or do we hoard up our earthly possessions wanting to share them with no one? Do we think we're better than other people because they look, smell or act different than us? All people are looking for is to know someone cares about them. They want to be LOVED, and it is our job, as His church, to "Be the Church" to these people and show JESUS' KINDNESS to them...even when we don't feel like it or really want to.

GOODNESS- this kind of ties in with the kindness I think. Do we show HIS goodness to those around us? Or are we back biting, mean spirited, and revenge seeking? We should be filled with His Goodness and let it consume our thoughts and hearts! If we were driven by being in His image, we would have a total mind transformation!

FAITHFULNESS- The Lord is SO faithful to us....are we faithful to Him and others? Do we stay committed or can we not be counted on? I have been horrible about keeping promises in the past, so I'm so thankful that the Lord remains faithful to me in His love for me even when I haven't returned the same thing! He promises us SO many things in His word, and He says it won't return void, so we can count on Him for everything we need....can we be counted on???

GENTLENESS- this lines up with patience for me. I need to be gentle in my words, my actions, and let others know that I am not quick to speak but want to be gentle and not harsh. Jesus was point blank a lot of the time, but He has commanded us to love others as He loves us, so that must mean He wants us to be GENTLE as He is SO gentle with us! He does show His wrath and justice, but He is also a just God and rightfully so...we have NO right to carry out His justice....He promises in His word that justice will be His.

SELF CONTROL- Do we have self control when we eat? Do we have self control when we're watching something on TV? Do we have self control when we're surfing the internet? Everyone has different temptations and weaknesses that we MUST ask the Lord to help us have self control over....we CANNOT do it on our OWN!!!!

So, these were all things I thought of when discussing the fruits of the Spirit. If I were to do a survey of my own life, or better yet a complete stranger do one of the fruits that are evident in my life, would there be enough fruit to convict me of being spirit filled??? Spiritually minded??? or self minded??? Do a survey for yourself and reflect on it and pray to God asking for His help in these areas of your life as I had to. I have found that when I am committed to loving Him and following Him more than other things, I am more "spiritually aware" of having these fruits in my life and making them apart of my "spiritual DNA." I want my make up to be in His image, so I will continue to strive daily (although I'll never be perfect) to constantly learn about, change and grow closer to Him....hence having much more of these fruits growing on my tree.

I Consider It Pure Joy

2009-03-11T10:24:00.003-05:00

James 1:2-4 says:

"My brothers, consider it pure joy when you face trials of many kinds, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience (perseverance). But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing."

Are you JOYFUL about it when you are facing a trial?? Probably not. I can honestly say that I was NOT when Tori was so sick...I just wanted her to get better, to grow and mature, and come home with her mommy and daddy, case closed. I can honestly tell you that I wasn't even joyful with the aftermath I was left with after her death. If I told you all the ways Satan has tried to attack me and my family behind the scenes since her death, you might ask how did I not give up! I have accepted the Lord's perfect will and know He has a plan for it all, but I haven't always been able to say that I consider it pure JOY as I was going through it.....

Now, on the flip side of it, I can honestly say I consider it pure JOY (let me explain before you think I'm claiming to have it all together)! Is everything perfect and peachy keen in my life now? NO...Not by a long shot! What I'm saying is that I see now that everything that happened with Tori, this whole experience of losing a child, experiencing the grief and heartache afterwards that has taken a toll on my marriage, my friendships, etc., has taught me SO much and for that I am THANKFUL! I am even JOYFUL about it! I never in a million years thought I'd hear myself say that!

The testing truly has helped produce perseverance in my life (I love when His promises are revealed as evident TRUTH in our lives)! Now, I still continue to fail miserably and have to ask God daily to help remind me of all this (because I'll never be perfect on this earth), but I can truly say this all has helped and grown me in one way or another. I used to think I had it all together, just pleasing myself and doing whatever I felt like. Now, I find myself trying to saturate my thoughts to be in alignment with His. I think about what the Lord would want, not my own fleshly, selfish desires. That mindset has helped me in so many different areas! It's amazing to me that it all started with a baby born prematurely, that people started praying for her little life, that she got sick and died, and now the whole experience is still continuing to impact her mother's life and teach very valuable lessons!

If the Lord wanted me to come away from this desiring to have what HE wants for my life more than what I want, it was worth it. There is more joy because I choose to make the desires of my heart what He wants, instead of what I choose for myself. I know He is glorified and lifted up when each of us lay our own desires down at His feet and willingly we say, "Lord, YOUR will be done." I have never thought the Lord's Prayer is as meaningful as it is now....

"Our Father, who art in heaven,
hallowed be your name.
Your Kingdom come,
YOUR will be done,
on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us today our daily bread.
Forgive us our sins,
as we forgive those who sin against us.
Lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.
For the kingdom, the power and the glory are yours.
Forever and ever. Amen."

**I would just like to put a disclaimer and say in no way, form or fashion am I saying that I am "holier than thou," I just like to reflect and look back on what the Lord has taught me and am SO thankful for it until it gets me excited!! As a mother or father, I would hope you could understand that if your child's life was ended, you wouldn't want it to be in vain and you would want to spend the rest of your life honoring him/her and make it worthwhile!!

**Also, if I ultimately had the choice, I would want Victoria Leigh here with me of course, you all know that. When I see others with their babies and don't realize how lucky they are, I just want to tell them. I hope they know it, but I want to tell them nonetheless. I don't expect anyone to feel sorry for or have a pity party for me, but I so desperately want them to know and understand the undescribable pain and gut wrenching grief I've felt and how blessed they are to not have ever felt that!! SO, if you have a baby boy or girl, be so appreciative for the blessing the Lord has given you...as I am for Savannah...I tell her all the time how thankful I am for her...she will probably get tired of hearing it by the time she's 16...lol....

It's Here...One Whole Year

2009-03-08T07:16:00.006-05:00

Well, I don't know that I really have any profound words to say, or anything very inspiring; I'm just "here," hanging out in this place they call grieving. It has been a year today since Tori died, almost down to the minute...it was 6:55 a.m. when she died and it's a little after 7 a.m. as I write this. Lot's of different thoughts run through my mind on this bittersweet morning.....

The first thought actually is "Blessed Be the Name of the Lord!" That is the honest to God truth. I don't say that to be some spiritual heroin. Everytime we have sang that song in church or I've listened to it in my car, I have always thought that is what I will still CHOOSE to say, despite the "desert place" I had to walk through at such a young age in life. All we are put here for is to give Him the glory He so rightfully deserves and to have a relationship with Him. I sometimes stink at diligently and daily studying His word and pursuing that relationship like I should, something I'm very convicted about and want to do better at and MAKE TIME FOR HIM just like I do other things in my life. I honestly want to give Him all the glory, though, having no pride or haughtiness on my own selfish, fleshly pleasure. So anything you read or see in me, is simply a work of God. I am NOT a perfect person, don't claim to be. Just a sinner saved by grace, and I'm asking Him to mold and change me every step of the way. I will CHOOSE to say BLESSED BE THE NAME OF THE LORD because it COULD be really easy to be upset, disappointed in and angry with God, but I know His plans and thoughts are higher than mine, therefore I will accept them. I will not argue or question them, for He knows the number of hairs on my head...who else could possibly have such wisdom?? No one. So, I will continue to lean on Him, trust in Him, strive to walk daily with Him and finish the race that I've started!!

The second thought is how grateful I am for what all the Lord has taught me over the past year, and for all of the people He has brought into my life during that time as well. Satan literally has tried to steal my joy, kill my marriage, and destroy my faith over the past year. He meant SO much bad over the past year since Tori's last breath in my arms, but the Lord has turned it around for so much good. Slowly but surely, I see things that were SO bad that have started to come around in a different direction. I have recently been convicted about praying for my husband and daughter like I should be, and am adamant about committing to praying for them like I should. I have been so fearful of death since Tori died, and am going to HAVE to daily give that to God if I expect to receive peace over it.

Someone asked me just yesterday did I think the one year anniversary of her death is harder than the holidays were? I replied yes. The reason is because in my mind I think about the fact that it has been one whole year since I last held her, kissed her, touched her hand, saw her breathe, and had her right there in front of me. She was "real." She was alive. Still here and able for me to be with her. Today marks one year since I've been able to do any of those things and it hurts. I don't want to forget that freshness of seeing her on that last day, of taking her out in the snow in Nashville and what it was like to hold her for the last time. (BTW- I thought it was so ironic that it snowed here a week before her death last year when it snowed then, too.)

Back to the being thankful for people the Lord has placed in my life.....I received flowers from one my blogger friends on Friday....white roses....they are beautiful. She took the time out of her busy schedule and spent her money on flowers to reach out and encourage someone she had never even met. I thought that was so incredibly compassionate of her and very encouraging to me to know someone cares about me and hasn't forgotten my baby's life and the raw pain I feel because of her death. We also received the sweetest card from another friend who has followed Tori's story since caringbridge....she is such an encouragement and has been every step of the way. The Lord knew I needed her and her gift of encouragement in my life. I also correspond through email with Baby Reed's mom through email and look forward to meeting her in a couple of weeks. Her due date with him would've been Friday, so please pray for her. Despite that, she wrote me to encourage ME. After receiving these things from these ladies, I just thanked the Lord for all the people and friends He has brought into my life and His provisions along the way!

There's so much I could say about Tori....her beautiful eyes, the way she loved her mobile, how she recognized and followed her mother's voice, and how beautiful she was. I only wish I could've brought her home for even one day and had a chance at real life with her. Away from all the hospitals, nurses, tubes, needles, etc. However, that wasn't God's plan. He used all of those things I mentioned to grow my faith, expand my knowledge of what parents and families go through and made me stronger because of it. I would have NEVER dreamed of being where I am now than where I was before Tori's birth. I was just going through life, being a lukewarm Christian, not really appreciating my salvation like I should or thinking anything in life could ever go really wrong...this wrong....and that I had it all together. WRONG ANSWER. The Lord literally shook me....transformed my faith and restored my vision....set my focus on Him. I may stray and have to be reminded of His faithfulness and goodness from time to time, but I can honestly say for the long haul, my feet are planted in deep and I am walking the rest of the way with Him. I won't look back or waiver to the crooked path....I've already been there and I don't want to go back. Satan, get under my feet!!

If you will, just pray for me, my husband, our marriage, my family, my daughter and all who loved our precious Victoria Leigh Wilhoit. She was truly a gift from God, her name meant Victory, and I truly believe that even in death, she had the Victory through Jesus Christ! I have no doubt where she is, and I know I will see her again one day because of my salvation. I cried and could barely tear myself away from her little coffin at her funeral as they were going to put the top on because I knew that would be the last time I would see her little face on this earth....but the next time I see it, it will be even more beautiful, and she will have a perfect and healthy body. Thank you, God! Blessed Be the Name of the Lord!

Here is a very personal video from about two weeks before Tori died. I was able to lay in the bed with her, and there's no audio on it right now, but she was looking up following my voice as I was talking to her and her oxygen sats stabilized and she was the happiest, calmest when i was laying with her. There is also a snippet of the day Savannah visited at the beginning. Soemthing I'm so thankful to have on video.

Leaving my Baggage Behind

2009-03-03T07:20:00.003-06:00

I went on a Ladies Retreat with our church this past weekend and I don't think I'm still fully recovered in the sleep aspect. I only got 3 hours of sleep because I was up running my mouth as usual with some wonderful ladies! It was a great time even with the sleep deprivation! :)

Our focus was on this journey in life...how to PAY ATTENTION as we are going through this journey....do we have packed what we need on our trip....do we have the right passengers with us.....and so on. Of course, all of those had spiritual parallels to how they compared with our journey in life, but the biggest one for me was some of the unneccessary baggage we take through life...much like some of the things I took on the retreat and didn't even use. That was an EXTRA load I had to carry, something I didn't need to bring along.

SO, some of the baggage we talked about was self reliance, loneliness (someone pointed out that her self reliance caused the loneliness...interesting and valid thought), disappointment (in God), and the 2 that I felt God spoke to JUST ME about (although I know there were many others) was WORRY (surely I don't worry??) and Fear....of death.

Worrying and anxiety have ALWAYS been an issue for me. Someone shared that they just have an overly anxious spirit at times, while some just go with the flow and don't really worry at all. I was right there with her....I worry and get anxious about too many things....things out of my control. SO, we were asked to right on our "trash wall" I liked to call it, the stuff we were leaving behind. WORRY was the first one, because I am determined to abide by Proverbs 3:5-6 better and let HIM handle things for me, even in the small things I worry about.

The other was FEAR OF DEATH. You might say, if you're a Christian, you know where you're going so why are you worried? I have never really worried before until Tori died. Death became a harsh reality because of the pain it brings. I'm not worried about dying and where I'll go, I;m worried about my daughter dying, my husband dying, my family and people I love dying, so quickly and suddenly that I would have to hurt and feel that pain even more. I live it in some form day to day when it comes to Tori. Some people may think I should be "over" it in a sense, after all this weekend has been a year. NOT EVEN CLOSE. That precious baby was apart of me, and always will be.

I'm afraid of my own personal death only because I don't want to leave Savannah without a mother. I think of how I feel without a daughter, so how much greater would a girl going through her whole life without a mother be? Some of you may have experienced that and can relate to my thoughts on this. Either way, I have been worrying about death for awhile now as I've heard about some friends and people we knew that have died at a young age, suddenly and how hard it is on the families. Do I not serve a sovereign God who has brought me this far and would see me through any future death or heartache? THAT is what else I had to leave behind. I am determined not to let Satan win and keep me in fear and doubt of me or my family members dying and the pain behind it.

SO, that was the highlight of the retreat for me. Also the fact that a few hispanic ladies were there and when we all stood shoulder to shoulder, holding hands, praying to Abba Father, she prayed out loud in spanish and it was awesome. You could hear the tears in her voice and how sincere she was as she prayed to the same God we served, despite the language barrier. I heard GRACIAS several times so she was constantly THANKING her creator! How awesome. It was humbling to think about God's love for so many different types of people, and how he hears us all when we call on Him, not just Americans or english speaking people.

"Thank you Father, for your love and your guidance! Please continue daily to take my worries, anxieties and fears of death out of my heart and mind and make me pure, focused on you, without anything to cloud my view. I love you Father and want to serve and praise you! Thank you for taking a filthy, dirty, sinful heart like mine and continuing to forgive, make it new and pure. I love you."

It's Been Awhile!

2009-02-22T09:22:00.003-06:00

Hello, my long, lost blogging friends! :) So you may have noticed that it's been awhile since I posted. I was posting daily, then every few days, then once a week if I was lucky, and now it is way in between recently. Sorry, but a lot has been going on. Journaling and writing has always been something I enjoy, but I haven't taken the time for it lately so I am catching up today on several things. Bear with me. :)

Well, I almost posted around Valentine's Day. My thoughts were filled with Tori that week and I really was missing her. I thought back to how festive her room was last year for Valentine's Day! We always had things for her for Christmas, New Years, Valentine's, etc. Some friends of mine gave her some Valentine onesie outfits that she wore over and over those few weeks. I will cherish them always. It's weird how things like that you just don't forget about. I remember her getting "valentine's" from our friends, church family and people we didn't even know. We decorated for her to see and I even remember reading them to her one time. Oh, how I would love to look into her eyes one more time and read a Valentine, a book, anything to her!!

Valentine's Day came and went, and I thought about how in the few weeks following valentine's day last year, I never knew they would be my last ones with her. Between February 14th and March 8th, she began to decline slowly but surely. Two weeks before her death, we had some great times with her. Easter came much earlier last year so we bought the girls matching Easter dresses and decided to let them wear them and take their pictures, and boy, am I glad we did. Tori didn't live until Easter, so we would have missed our chance if we would have waited. Now, I have pictures of them dressed up together and I will always cherish those!! I specifically remember Savannah being ill and restless that morning and Josh saying maybe we should just wait, and I said no, let's just go ahead and get them today. That was only one of 3 or 4 times Savannah got to see her baby sister, so I am glad we picked that day to let her do so. It ended up being a day I'll never forget seeing my girls together. Someone had given Tori a book and Savannah "read" it to her that day...so precious and such sisterly love she had for her! :)

In those few weeks following Valentine's Day before her death, I was also able to lay in the bed with Tori as I had never done before, and she was awake and alert and I was laying somewhat behind her because she was turned on her side some and I was talking to her and holding her hand and just loving on her, and she would be looking up at her mother, following my voice, her oxygen stats stabilized, she was so calm on the monitors and we couldn't believe it! She needed that time with her mommy as much as her mommy needed that time with her!! That, too, will be a day with her I will never forget. There are so many "unforgettable days" that were so bad, but raw and real until I "refeel" them each time I recall them in my mind. But there were also very good days with Tori like the two I mentioned above that I will also recall and "refeel" forever. I don't doubt for one moment that God gave me those days during the last few weeks with her as memories to last for a lifetime. Thank you, Lord, for your mercy and your thoughtfulness...I truly know you are always looking out for good on my behalf. For example....

Back in October, I had a friend who started selling Premier Jewelry. When she told me about it, I was REALLY interested and wanted to do it "now." I went to some meetings with her, talked with some other "Premier ladies" and thought it was a GREAT opportunity. However, my husband was not on board at the time, it didn't work out for us financially at the time, and I was SO discouraged. Several of the Premier ladies told me to pray about it, wait for God's timing and see what happens. Do we EVER want to WAIT on something?? I don't know about you, but I don't. I wanted it then, only saw the benefits, it was something I would enjoy, something I thought I could do well and there was no reason not to...in my mind.

Little did I know in the months to follow that initial introduction to Premier, that God would definitely work yet another thing out for my good and in HIS timing. I saw how well my friend did with Premier and at times, I would get frustrated and say to God (like my 3 year old does while throwing a temper tantrum), "It's NOT FAIR!" He would then humble me and even made me realize that I was actually coveting something because I was desiring it so badly for myself against His will. I didn't understand why my husband couldn't be on board, after all, it was working out so well for these other ladies and their husbands were behind them all the way. Yep, I was coveting. I confessed that to God and asked Him to change my view on it all. I even put it out of my mind after awhile because I didn't want to be wrongly desiring something God obviously hadn't brought to fruition in my life. I was reminded over and over that I want GOD'S will for my life...that surrendering my own desires is what I had been trying to do for some time, so why not do it with this, too?? So, I started to put my words into practice.

Let me just tell you, it was the most awesome joy and worth the waiting when my husband CAME TO ME last week and said "If you would like to do premier and think you can do a good job at it, I want you to do it." If you just knew my husband and how skeptical he was at the beginning, you would be as floored as I was. When I called to tell my friend, she couldn't even understand what I was saying I was so ecstatic. I had prayed and told God that if He ever DID want me to do it, I wanted Josh to be 100% behind it. Only the Lord changed His mind and gave me this affirmation about it because of my specific request for this. I did NOT want it to be something that I begged Josh to let me invest my time and money in and him resent me later for it. I wanted it to be a team effort and something he would be behind me on. "Thank you, Lord, for reminding me of what it really means to surrender and wait on You. I don't know why I tend to doubt your plan and desires for my life, but I need to realize, if even through a waiting period, that this is more important than what I want at the time. Thank you for working once again!"

I also love the timing that the Lord brings for another reason....this time of year I have been challenged spiritually to succumb and give into the depression that my daughter is really gone. I'm just being honest. Why anniversaries and holidays are always hard, I don't know, but they are. I now understand why they say the holidays are the hardest time of the year although I wasn't able to before losing her. I don't doubt that God has given me this opportunity at this time of the year to help keep me joyful, keep me busy, and counteract the negative thoughts with positive ones. I still feel sad, lonely and tiresome about it all sometimes, but this opportunity to become an Independent Distributor for Premier Jewelry has kept me busy and on my toes (another reason I haven't had a lot of time to post).

SO, my request is that you would pray for me as I begin this endeavor that I can honestly say that I prayed about, waited to hear specifically from God through my husband (who was 110% against me doing it 6 months ago) and now it is financially a better option for us and a much sweeter reward than it would have been had I done it MY way back then. If you'd like more information on the Premier incentives (either to become a jeweler yourself or to earn some FREE jewelry...I earned $350 in free jewelry when I hosted a party for my friend and only paid tax and shipping...please contact me and I'd be glad to talk with you!) Thank you, friends, and sorry for such a lengthy post!!

Reminding Me of His Goodness

2009-02-08T15:08:00.003-06:00

I tend to have moments where the reality hits me of what I've lost....a daughter, a sister to my firstborn, a lifelong friendship with my child, and lots of future memories that could have been. It really hits me hard at those times and I get discouraged. Last night was one of those times.

I envisioned my daughter's laying in bed together (as me and my sister often did) reading books together, giggling and squealing in such sisterly fun and oh, even the sister squabbles..."She's touching me! She's looking at me!" and so on and so on. All those different moments run wild in my mind sometimes and it makes me tear up which usually leads to a good 'ole cry and then you just feel defeated. However, I woke up this morning and felt better after a good night's rest and also after praying briefly last night, telling the Lord that I KNOW He has something better in store because He KNOWS how much this hurts me....how much of a lifetime of pain and void that will be there....how this has hurt my husband, too, and I just want to heal his heart as well, but it will be worth it because I know He will work it all together for my good, but oh, how it would be nice to feel some uplifting from it all right about now!

So, today I read THREE emails I had received from a few high school and childhood friends asking about Tori, sharing how they had found my blog, and were blessed by her story and my faith. It was the perfect medicine to all I had been feeling the night before. WOW, how good God is to remind me of his GOODNESS. It wasn't even in all they said, but in my response to them that I was able to share with them what has happened and yet I have hope and faith to what will become of it all. What an awesome testimony and chance to give God full credit and all the glory, but also a wonderful reminder to myself.

"Thank you, Lord, for allowing me to have this relationship with you, and please forgive me for all the times I take it for granted and don't appreciate being able to come to you for any and everything. Thank you for always coming through for me and taking care of me...although I don't deserve it. Thank you for showing your mercy, goodness and love every step of the way. I thank you for being my Father and my heart overflows knowing I will see you one sweet day...along with my precious children! So thankful for that hope I have!!"

It's Pouring

2009-02-04T21:13:00.004-06:00

I know you've heard the saying, "When it Rains, it Pours." It's so "funny" how when we were going through something SOOOO big with Tori and being in the hospital months on end that I was able to cling to my faith and rely on Him and yet when the "small" things hit, I seem to freak out and "breakdown" wondering what am I going to do?? Do I honestly believe that God can only handle the BIG things in my life?? No. I know full well that He is BIG enough to handle all the small, everyday things as well, so Father, help me give them to you instead of trying to fix them all myself!!

On New Years Day, we had a small fire get out of control and lets just say with fireworks in the mix, it wasn't pretty. Four yards ended up getting burnt (grass will grow back, no biggie, I know) but it was a close call between ours and our neighbors house at one point. There was some minimal damage to the siding on our neighbors house that we've offered to replace but nothing else was damaged. The fire department (yes, SEVERAL trucks and cars came, so embarrassing) got there and put it out and for that we are thankful. No one got hurt, and it was a big accident, but it still hurt us in the pocketbook. Not only do we have to replace the siding, but our water bill was quadrupeled because they hooked the hoses up to our water line in the yard. Yeah, do you know how many gallons pump through those hoses so fast? Well, my water bill says A LOT. So, what a way to start off the year. Woo hoo.

Then, a couple of weeks ago (all in the month of January, mind you) we came home to a half of our house flooded from where a pipe had busted where there was NO insulation in the wall around it. The plumber clearly told us it was because there was no insulation. Now, we're not fighting people, so we didn't pursue it any further...until our heat went out tonight. In case you haven't stepped outside in our neck of the woods tonight, let me tell you it's currently 19 degrees outside. yeah, pretty cold. Now, most people would think that is bad luck, oh well, gotta get it fixed. Nope, it's more than that. This is the 5th or 6th time since our house was built 2 years ago that we've had this SAME problem. The first time was in the dead heat of summer when I was pregnant with Tori and I remember standing outside in 90 something heat because it was cooler than the inside of my house was.

I will admit I slightly got in the flesh tonight when I called our builder and left him a nice, sweet message to call us FIRST thing tomorrow morning. :) And then I said God Bless You, come visit me at church Sunday. Ok, so I just lied. I'm sorry, I'm human and I'll apologoze to the man later, but for now, I'm ticked. We have our emergency heat on now, so we're staying warm, but have you ever looked at your utility bill after using ER heat for an extended amount of time?? Not a pretty picture next month either.

SO, why do I vent and gripe and complain about all this?? Well, journaling/blogging helps me get stuff off my chest and no one has to physically hear me complaining about it, so it's all good. I mostly wanted to write it all and remind myself, "Melissa, God is still in control. He was in control when you lost Tori and He knew the heartache you would face and the financial dilemmas you would run into. He's always supplied, though, and He won't stop now. He doesn't only care about the BIG, miraculous things. He cares about the "small" things that you can't fix, that make you mad and that you worry constantly about. STOP worrying. Give it to Him. You can't choose to trust Him in certain areas of your life. A relationship with Him doesn't work that way. Claim His promises over your life and know that He will come through for you. This awful, stinky, corrupt, dying, sinful world is NOT your home! Keep your eyes fixed on what lies ahead for you and that is your heavenly home... where the heat will never break and fires won't burn up the yard or house! :) Now go reflect on how He's been faithful and know He will do it again...just like the song says. Good night." (I think that about sums it up, no comments neccessary. LOL. But feel free to add to it if you'd like..hehe!)

Reminiscing

2009-01-25T08:24:00.003-06:00

My birthday is a week from Monday and I was thinking back to my birthday last year with sweet Tori. It was WONDERFUL! That morning right as we got to the hospital, she self extubated herself (pulled out her breathing tube) and breathed on her own (with a little help from a nasal canula) for 36 hours before being put back on the vent again. They tried to rentubate her immediately but she literally bit down on the instrument the doctor needed to use to keep her mouth open and she would NOT let them do it! She was a fiesty one like her momma, I know! :) I just know she would've been a strong willed fighter for sure!!!

Since she fought it and they couldn't get it back in, she was doing well off of it so they decided to see what she could do on her own. She went 36 hours without the vent and it helped make her lungs stronger! Anything babies can do on their own (if even for awhile) helps them get stronger. We were so encouraged after this day. After seeing what she could do on her own, the doctors aggressively tried to get her off the vent after that day.

In the weeks that followed, they attempted to bring her oxygen levels way down and she did well at times. Her liver had just gotten so large because it was failing finally after not having real nutrition for awhile, so it became harder to breathe on her own. It is shocking to me in a way to think how well she did in that aspect and they were really shooting to let her eventually breathe on her own soon, and yet only a month and a half later, she died. It went down hill fast...like in a matter of 2 weeks. It was a major turn around from just a month before on my birthday.

All in all, I know God allowed these experiences so that as I reflect back on them, I see that His Hand was on us all the time, despite the outcome. She constantly did things (through Him) that couldn't be explained (although WE knew why). She defied the odds several times, when they thought she was too frail to go any further. I am thankful for all the experiences through Tori's life and what all it taught me.

"Tori, you are still and will forever be missed. I wish you were here for Mommy's birthday this year, but I know you are having the best party ever in Heaven and I can't wait to join you one day!!"

I've Been Held

2009-01-23T06:02:00.006-06:00

I was awakened by our sweet puppies at 4:30 this morning and couldn't go back to sleep, so of course I laid there reflecting on what was going through my mind 2 years ago this morning as I was laying in bed. If you read my last post, you know why. I don't want to rehash all of it, but I do want to say this. I know God had a purpose for calling Aiden home early on, and I know He knew Tori's life would then be knitted together in my womb 2 months later only to call her home early, too. I look back and think that He knew both losses would happen, but WHY?? Not a WHY in the aspect of "Why did this have to happen to me," but a WHY as in "Why did He allow it and what does He want to use from it?"

These last few days have been filled with prayer more than usual. I am burdened for other people in my life: my husband, my families, other mothers who have lost their babies, and others. I have been asking God to give peace beyond all comprehension to these named people and to comfort them in a real, personal way. As I reflect on what happened two years ago, am I over the pain? No. I don't feel like I actually had time to grieve losing this first baby before getting pregnant with Tori again and getting my hopes up with her. But, somehow, 2 years later....I find myself so concerned with these people mentioned above and my pain seems to have peace cover it. It's hard to explain.

Instead of wallowing in my loss, I honestly just find myself wanting to help others. I don't say that at all for a pat on the back, but because I believe that the Lord has brought me to this place I could've never traveled to on my own. I'm reminded of Natalie grant's song, "Held," and how that's exactly what's been done to me....I've been HELD by God Himself. Here's the video to the song, I hope you'll take a minute and listen even if you've heard it before. I recently made it one of my ringtones because I love it so much.

I covet your prayers for the people I mentioned that are close to my heart lately, too. I fully believe that our Lord and Savior is pleased when He sees and hears His people having enough faith in Him to all call out to Him in their time of need or for any request we may have. He is pleased that we have that faith in Him and I believe He honors it. He may not always answer the way we'd like, but I know for certain He answers in a way that will work together for good.

I'd like to say something and no one comment on my faith, how much they admire me, etc., etc., for I am nothing but a sinner that continues mess up royally, but nonetheless I am saved by grace and so thankful for it!! I was thinking this week how Paul said we should be thankful for trials and rejoice in them...some might say: what??? Seriously, I have come to the point where I have said THANK YOU, Lord for allowing these things in my life for they have done what Romans 5:3 says they will...."we REJOICE in our sufferings for suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." AMEN!!

My Sweet Aiden

2009-01-17T12:20:00.005-06:00

I have been dreading this next week just to be honest. Friday, January 23rd will be 2 years since I miscarried. When I say miscarried, some people just think of a minor passing of a baby, where the mother sometimes doesn't even know she's miscarried until she goes to the doctor and there's no heartbeat detected. That is a tragic loss in itself, and I don't mean to minimize the pain felt through it AT ALL. I'm just saying when I miscarried, I was the week before being out of my first trimester. I already had a little pooch and my jeans were definitely a little tighter than 3 months before. I had gained a few pounds and was looking forward to my morning sickness subsiding soon because the next week I would be out of the morning sickness period. I say all that to explain that I was far enough along that when it happened, it was the most AWFUL thing I've ever experienced, not an undetectable passing of a baby.

Little did I know when I woke up one cold Tuesday morning, while getting ready for work (where I now work again), my life would forever be changed in just a couple of hours. I woke up that morning with mild cramps. They seemed to get worse as I was getting dressed. My doctor's office wasn't open yet, so I went ahead and got ready and dropped Savannah off. As I was driving to work, I remember the cramps getting exceedingly worse. I planned to go on to work and then call my doctor at 8 am sharp and then them tell me to come on in then so they could check me and see what was going on. I tried not to panic is what I'm saying, and knew that I was right there close to my doctor's office as well.

I remember it being moments before 8:00 when I arrived at work and going up the elevator to the 3rd floor. I felt even worse by then. I thought, "I've just got to get to the doctor now." (My thoughts had changed this entire morning the worse I got to feeling, so yes, I was a little indecisive.) So, I decided to walk down to the second floor and tell the other secreataries that I had to go, but there wasn't time.

As I was huddled over walking down the hallway, because my pain had progressed so much by then (now knowing that it was contractions all morning, getting worse with time), my water broke. I looked down in shock and thought immediately "it is over." I knew my baby was going to die if not already. There is no way that a baby less than 20 weeks, not even hardly developed, could live. That was my first thought, that my baby was GONE: it was OVER.

I will never forget the horrific moments after that. I ran as well as I could downstairs (pardon the details, but it's apart of childbirth, so I'm over the modesty of it all) with amniotic fluid and blood continuing to come out, and crying, screaming, "NO! This can't be happening! I can't handle this! etc." I opened the office door and immediately told Deborah to take me to the hospital and we made our way to her car. We might should have called an ambulance, but we were right there near my doctor in Huntsville, and in a moment of chaos, she did what I asked and helped me into the car and rushed me there instead of arguing the point with me. (I am so thankful that she was there to help me that day.)

I've blogged about Deborah before and how special she is to me. We had gotten close while working there, but this bonded us immensely even more. I remember in all my crying and babbling in the car apologizing because her seats would be ruined! Even in all that, I was concerned about ruining her seats. She, of course, could've cared less. We got to the doctor and I had lost A LOT Of blood at this point. We had called my doctor on the way (NOT the one I go to now- Dr. Wheeler- he is wonderful!!) and told her exactly what had happened and she had me come to her office (which is connected to the hospital) despite all the blood loss and pain I was in. Deborah had to find a wheelchair and blanket to try and cover the blood, and wheeled me up. They took me back and I don't think they understood the severity of it until they saw me. They took me into an ultrasound room and the doctor came in and asked me some questions (by this time, I could barely talk because of the pain) and she simply patted my hand and said, "Well, this was just nature's way of taking care of a pregnancy that wasn't meant to be." If I would have had any strength in my body at all or in my coherent mind, I would have come off that table and given her a piece of my mind! Let's just I get in the flesh when I think back to that moment. How DARE you tell me that WHILE I'm laying here going through this, much less waiting til afterwards like it was no big deal.

So, she sent me over to the hospital and let me tell you in the nicest description possible (my husband and dad who had showed up by then, and Deborah, could vouch for me) that it looked like an animal had been slaughtered in that office. Looking back, I had lost so much blood and she said she still had patients to see and sent me over for them to prep me for surgery. By the time we got over there, I was passing clots as big as a baby itself and on the last one, the anthesiologist had enough and said, "Okay, put the doctor on the phone and let me tell her myself to get over here NOW." I am SO thankful for that anthesiologist! If he had not been there at that moment and made that call, there's no telling what the end result could've been. Nurses told us after I woke up that they see miscarriages everyday and even they were getting panicky and shaky.

There were 5-6 nurses working on me before the D&C and one I know was a Christian. During all the trauma, she had slipped out for a moment and then came back. Before they took me away to the D&C, she grabbed my hand and slipped something in it. It was a compressed nickel with an angel on it. She said she lost a baby, too, and she wanted me to have that because it had brought her comfort and that she would be praying for me. WOW is all I can say. "Thank you, Lord, for putting these people in my path as I look back and reflect on it all! You never left me or had forsaken me! Your presence, comfort and reminders that you would be there were there all along the way!"

So, after such a detailed post, that is where the name Aiden comes in. We felt with all our hearts that it was a boy, although they said the tissue was so thin, he didn't come out as a whole baby so there was no way to know. If it was a girl, though, we figured Aiden could be a girl's name, too, but I just loved the name and wanted to give him/her a name so they were real, and not just a fetus that some people might say you lost. He was a real, human, just too small, but with a heartbeat and body forming (Jeremiah 1:5).

I can't believe it's been 2 years, because honestly, that's when my story starts I feel like. Before that point, we were "normal" people. We had a daughter, good jobs, nice home and no real tragedy or problem had ever struck before. We thought, "that would never happen to ME." After January 23, though, life didn't seem so gentle and kind. I began to look at it as the RAW, painful thing it could sometimes be. The worse pain would came only months later, after I found out in March that I was pregnant again.

I hadn't even gotten back on birth control yet and was shocked. We didn't think it would ever happen like that. I remember being very SCARED, though, but after changing doctors (a MUST) we talked about the statistics of it happening again and I felt better. I did have some early on scares when I was pregnant with Tori, and they suspected I had actually lost a twin because of how severe the problems were and yet I had not miscarried Tori. I came to grips with the fact that I had lost 2 babies, but I had to still be strong for this other baby still inside my womb.

I remember praising Jesus, thanking Him for this life after our 20 week ultrasound revealing that all looked great and that we were expecting a baby GIRL!! It was Labor Day of 07 when we spent our day off painting the nursery. I knew I would be getting even bigger those last few months and wanted to be able to help with some things, so we painted and got it all ready that Monday. We already had the bedding from when Savannah was a baby, so it was easier to complete Tori's nursery this time. Little did I know that 3 weeks later, I would give birth to Tori 3 months early and so Tori's story begins there.

So when I say the last 2 years have been tiresome, trying and difficult, this is why. It seems like a whirlwind at times, and then when I journal like this, it seems like just yesterda and it is all still so clear again. There are MANY things I've questioned to God along the way like when I miscarried, I was 7 days away from having new insurance coverage so they didn't cover a dime of my surgery, hospital stay, nothing. We had been trying to get ahead financially, so not only had we lost our child, we have thousands in medical bills that racked up that we still make a monthly payment to. The same with Tori. She was a $3 million dollar baby. :) Now, I am very well aware that money is not the most important thing here, I'm just saying for a young couple who's trying to make it and get their finances in order, not only have we been hit with the blow of losing 3 children, but all the financial pressure that comes along with it. Hope that makes sense....

I KNOW, KNOW, KNOW God has a plan for me, though. There is a reason why I didn't bleed to death on January 23, 2007. There is a reason why I didn't die on September 20th when they were worrisome for my life and had to do an emergency c-section. Our worship leader said something last week that made me think about this time in my life and what God has in store for me. He said, "It's not so much about the destination sometimes, but about the journey along the way."

Maybe its not how many children I will or won't have or what I will have accomplished at the end of my life, but how I've used tragedies, flaws and struggles along the way. Will I use them for good in ways like encouraging other mom's like Reed's mom, who lost her son? Will I agree to minister to other ladies who are faced with some of the same things I've experienced? I want the answer to be YES. I want to be so sensitive to what God wants and how He can make a materpiece out of what seems to be a mess.

A little bit of Everything...

2009-01-12T18:46:00.003-06:00

So, there's a little bit of everything I'd like to say in this post. First, about my new picture....the puppies and me....they are our newest additions: Molly and Max. Molly was supposed to be an early Birthday present for me, and when we went to pick her up, our friend said if we wanted him, too, she'd make us a good deal :) I thought at first, "Nah, Josh will never go for it and I'm not going to push the issue." However, I looked at him with my own puppy dog eyes and after seeing them together and I think his heart melted at that point, he said "If you want both of them, that's fine." Yipee! Now, they're malte-poo's (maltese and poodle mix) so the biggest they'll get is probably a little more or less of 10 lb. They will eat a tenth of what our lab outside eats and they have each other to play with and it's WONDERFUL! Now, neither one of us could imagine one without the other. Molly has officially become "Savannah's dog" so it's a good thing we got Max so I could actually have a birthday present. haha. I think Savannah and Molly will be lifelong friends! Molly loves to be carried, and well, we can't get Savannah to put her down half of the time. They are both doing REALLY well at potty training..thank God!! That was my only reservation about it all. They are doing better than Savannah was and is at times :) SO, that's the scoop on my new babies!!

Secondly, If you read my last post, you know that Reed Putman passed away last night. I CANNOT explain it, but after you go through the loss of a child, you have this bond with other mothers and families who experience it. You so desperately feel for them....a kind of compassion that I have never felt before. I went to Tori's grave today to sign some papers (we still owe a couple thousand on it :( and I of course went to her grave while I was there. I don't know if you looked outside today, but the sky was BEAUTIFUL! The clouds were parting in two from where I was standing at her grave and it was the bluest of blue skies I'd ever seen! It was perfect. I was there for awhile, just thinking and looking and listening to the silence (is that possible??) and how peaceful it all was at that moment. I didn't want to leave. I imagined Tori and Reed singing and praising Jesus together at that very moment. I believe with all of my heart that is the case and one day I will join in with them. I have been a little sad and down today I'll admit....I am getting a cold I think and Reed's passing just hurt me really bad, too. My spirits have been kinda down. But at that moment in the cemetery, I felt peace and contentment. Nothing else mattered. It was really a special moment. I will never forget it. Even after I left, I turned my music off in my car and rode in the silence all the way home. It was nice.

While I was at the office in the cemetery, I asked Brooke, who is a dear sweet lady, about the newest plot in the row right below Tori's. I had noticed the plot was a child's plot, too, and what the story was. She said she had been meaning to tell us, but there was a story behind it. There was a 6 month old baby (same age as Tori) who died from SIDS and when picking a place, Brooke had told them that Tori's spot was a baby that had died, too, and all about her story and what had happened. The mom immediately said we'll take the one right here below hers so they can be beside each other. I was in shock. The mom said to make sure she told us. I thought that was just a really neat and special thing, and Lord willing, maybe we'll both be visiting our daughter's graves at the same time one day and I'll get to meet and talk with her. That's my hopes. Please pray in advance for this to be the case....I have been convicted about not witnessing like I should, and what better opportunity to once again use Tori's life for the Lord's glory??? It gets me excited to say the least!!

Lastlt, Reed's visitation is tomorrow night and the funeral is Wednesday. I don't know if I'll be able to make it to the funeral on Wednesday because I have to work, but I plan on going to the visitation tomorrow night with a friend of mine. This will be the first time that I have been to a funeral home since Tori died or saw a baby in a casket either, so I am a little apprehensive. However, I know that with God's strength I can go and be an encouragement to this family just as so many did for me that I had never even met. I said on my CB page today that God allowed this in my life for a reason and I'm not going to pass any oppotunity up to use it for His glory. Your prayers for their family and my words to say or not say is appreciated.

Thank you prayer warriors. I love you all dearly.

Baby Reed is with Jesus

2009-01-11T22:41:00.004-06:00

My heart is broken into a million pieces for the Putman family tonight. His caringbridge page has not been updated yet, but I was told earlier tonight that Reed passed away around 6 PM tonight. I know God was glorified all throughout his 2 months of life. His parent's strong faith impacted many people by showing how the Lord can work through the trials in our lives if we glorify Him through it all. The Lord knew exactly how many days Reed had on this earth, just as He knew the same for Tori, and just as He knows for you and I. Still, on this night, I know their hearts are broken; his parents, grandparents and extended family members as well. I ask you to pray for them all tonight and in the days ahead.

I can only think back to the morning Tori passed away. It was a snowy, cold morning in Nashville and I remember how beautiful it was outside, but it was the complete opposite inside. I remember her taking her last breath right in my arms and the gut wrenching, heart breaking pain I felt. I know Tina feels this same way as a mother tonight. I don't know the arrangements or what they will do next, but I do ask you as my blog readers to reach out and encourage this family by simply leaving them a note on their caringbridge page if nothing else. In the days ahead, as they deal with the grief they will feel as they wake up to their son no longer being at the hospital to visit, their lives will never be the same to say the least. Losing your child is the worst pain ever I truly believe!!!

Another side note...PLEASE pray for Tina and Jonathan's marriage in the days to come. They are strong Christians, I know, but losing a child and dealing with grief takes a toll on your marriage. I'm just being honest and transparent with you....You both grieve differently and you never want to begin blaming each other or pushing each other away through the hardest thing a young married couple can ever endure...Satan tries to use things like the death of a child to break up marriages. I never understood until after losing Tori of why they told us 75% of couples divorce after losing a child. I thought "that number is entirely too high." Neither person knows how they are going to react or what the pain that grief brings you will do to you. Right after Tori died, it drew Josh and I closer, we were able to be there for each other during the hardest time in our lives. But after you make all the arrangements, have the visitation, go through the funeral and graveside service, take care of things days after it all, you are left with this numbness in your body and you don't know where to start first. I remember thinking, "Okay, what now??" It all sinks in and you're never prepared with what you'll do after losing a child. NO ONE is prepared to grieve a loved one until you're actually doing it. There's not a class you take to prepare you for it, but the only hope for me was knowing Jesus as my personal Lord and Savior. He truly gave me a peace beyond anything I could have comprehended....even on the really bad days that I STILL have, nearly a year later.

All that to say that they WILL need prayer for their marriage in the upcoming days and that their hearts will be comforted, their faith will be strengthened, their joy restored and their marriage to stand strong through it all. I pray that they never blame God or pull away from Him. It is so easy to do. I pray that He gives them that same peace that I know only He can give. It is such a sweet, sweet peace and can only come from Him. Nothing else on this earth will be able to fill that void.

Thank you for listening, family and friends, and for praying for this sweet family. I have no doubt that God had a plan for Reed's life and his conception, birth, and 2 months of life on this earth were not a coincidence. Conception in itself is a miracle and the fact that he was ever formed together by God in his mother's womb says so much (Psalm 139:13). God had a plan for him even then (just as He does for each of us--Jer. 29:11)!!

5:45 p.m. Central Tonight

2009-01-07T13:28:00.006-06:00

Do you believe in Matthew 18:19-20??? “Again I say to you that if two of you agree on earth concerning anything that they ask, it will be done for them by My Father in heaven. For where two or three are gathered together in My name, I am there in the midst of them.” If you do, please join me in praying at 5:45 tonight for baby Reed Putman.

I have asked my readers to pray for him already about a month ago. He is now very critical, as they believe his kidneys and liver are no longer working well at all. Tori became just this swollen and sick and I remember so vividly what it was like to see and experience it all at this point. As a mother, you feel helpless and know all you can do is PRAY. (don't you know that He wants us to get this to point where we are totally helpless and reliant on Him???) You know the Lord will work this out for good, but you want to be faithful and ask Him to heal and spare your baby's life, too!!!

If the Lord has taught me anything through Tori's 6 months on this earth and through her death, He has taught me about true compassion. I only thought I was compassionate for people before. Reed and his family are weighing heavy on my heart, and I want nothing more than to see the Lord do a miracle here in his life. However, we will accept His will whatever he decides. Until we know the outcome, though, we will gather together and PRAY!! So, at 5:45 p.m. central tonight, please stop, even for a moment, and lift little Reed up! His parents will be praying over him in the NICU as well as family and friends praying in the waiting room. Claim Matthew 18:19-20 and pray fervently. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, and I know from the Putman family.

www.caringbridge.org/visit/reedputman

His Unfailing Presence

2009-01-06T15:08:00.005-06:00

As some of you may know, I am one of the part time secretary's at a church here in town and I love what I do. I love designing publications, creating powerpoint presentations for the services, etc. I like to be creative and "play" around on a computer as my job; it can be quite fun! One of the things I like to do is find neat poems, quotes, clip art, etc. and it usually ends up encouraging ME instead of just encouraging others. One of those was a poem I used yesterday. It was titled: His Unfailing Presence. I have a lot of things on my heart and mind for 2009 and it's almost like a clean slate where I am asking God to write out the plan. I am anxious to see what He's got in store. This poem was just perfect with how I'm feeling about it all. Have a read.

His Unfailing Presence
Another year I enter
Its history unknown;
Oh, how my feet would tremble
To tread its paths alone!
But I have heard a whisper,
I know I shall be blest;
"My presence shall go with thee,
And I will give thee rest."

What will the New Year bring me?
I may not, must not know;
Will it be love and rapture,
Or loneliness and woe?

Hush! Hush! I hear His whisper;
I surely shall be blest;
"My presence shall go with thee,
And I will give thee rest."

Pretty simple, I know. But pretty encouraging to know He will be there through everything 2009 brings and that I shouldn't worry about it all. I was reading Philippians 4:6 today, "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God." This should be my life verse!!

Letting Him Lead

2009-01-03T16:44:00.003-06:00

So, I'll be perfectly honest and admit that at times I can be a control freak. I'm not much of a follower, and was always that strong willed child that the book is written about. I pretty much make up my mind about something, and that's that. People have told me before, "That's good, at least you can stand up for what you believe and not have people run all over you." Unfortunately, that's not always been the case. I am just as much a people pleaser at times- where I want to make peace and please others, even though I have my own thoughts or ideas. Some may call that humbleness, but really it can be straight out people pleasing, not always a good thing either. So, if you're strong willed like me, or have a domineering personality, you may have a problem letting God LEAD at times. Our strong willed spirit CAN be used for good and make us a good leader, administrator, etc., but it can also be very BAD if we use it the wrong way. The worst way is if we think WE can lead GOD. Not happening.

A friend of mine sent me the poem below and I just loved it. I thought it was perfect to use as my resolution for 2009. I have lots of thoughts, plans, dreams and desires I'd like to see come through for this year, but all of those things for Him may be completely different. The question is, will I let Him lead?? It's almost a daily struggle for me, something that has be worked at, tweaked, and a challenge to overcome at times in various situations. The strong willed spirit in me sometimes has to take a backseat to what He has planned for my life instead. Tori's life is a wonderful testament of that. I couldn't have stopped her death, but how I responded afterwards was the option that I had control over.

In 2009, I would like to give the Lord the steering wheel, truly let Him LEAD, over MY life, my husband's life, my child's life and everything in our paths such as our church, our jobs, etc. I hope you'll read the poem below and LET HIM LEAD. (sometimes easier said than done, I know, but trust me, you'll reap better rewards in the end if you do)

Dancing With God
When I meditated on the word Guidance,
I kept seeing 'dance' at the end of the word.
I remember reading that doing God's will is a lot like dancing.
When two people try to lead, nothing feels right.
The movement doesn't flow with the music,
and everything is quite uncomfortable and jerky.
When one person realizes that, and lets the other lead,
both bodies begin to flow with the music.
One gives gentle cues, perhaps with a nudge to the back
or by pressing Lightly in one direction or another.
It's as if two become one body, moving beautifully.
The dance takes surrender, willingness, and attentiveness from one person and gentle guidance and skill from the other.
My eyes drew back to the word Guidance.
When I saw 'G: I thought of God, followed by 'u' and 'i'.
'God, 'u' and 'i' dance.'
God, you, and I dance.
As I lowered my head,
I became willing to trust that I would get guidance about my life.
Once again, I became willing to let God lead.
My prayer for you today is that God's blessings and mercies be upon you on this day and everyday.
May you abide in God as God abides in you.
Dance together with God,
trusting God to lead and to guide you through each season of your life. This prayer is powerful and one of the best gifts we can receive.
There is no cost but a lot of rewards;
so let's continue to pray for one another.

Author Unknown

Last Post of 2008

2008-12-31T08:49:00.005-06:00

Well, this is it. The final day of 2008 and my final post of the year along with it. When I started this blog, it was because Caring Bridge was more about updating on Tori's progress as we were going through everything at the hospital in Nashville. After she died, I updated for a month on there and then realized I needed something different than CB to express my feelings and thoughts as I dealt with the grief I was feeling. This blog has been a great outlet. Through it, I have "met" some wonderful people....mostly ladies who share in the grief I am experiencing and I have been able to read their blogs as well. We all share something in common: the pain you feel after losing your infant child. Each situation is different, but they are all still similar and leave us feeling the same. I've said to a few of them that I think it is so awesome that the Lord has brought us into each other's lives to uplift, encourage and pray for one another through the hardest thing we've ever endured. When I was pregnant with Tori, I expected to have a normal pregnancy, normal birth and normal childhood just like Savannah's. Never did I think that a year later, I would be corresponding with mothers who have lost their babies or talking with my friends and family about the pain I've been feeling through a blog.

I can attest to the fact that we never know what the Lord has in store for us and what He can make out of our heartbreaks, difficulties, or tragedies. I am excited, scared, apprehensive, and yet feel total peace about what the Lord has in store for me in 2009 and years to come. I so badly want to be a loving and supportive wife, mother to a few children, a reliable and trustworthy friend, and overall, the woman that He wants me to be in my career, etc. I want to be sensitive to what He has for me, and commit to spend more time falling in love with Him this next year so that our relationship is even sweeter and blessings are overflowing! Yes, blessings! Have you ever prayed the Prayer of Jabez? It was a popular book several years ago, and before some of the points in it, I always thought it odd to pray for blessings for yourself, but God's word clearly elaborates. Read below:

"And Jabez called on the God of Israel saying, "Oh that You would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evil, that I may not cause pain!" So God granted him what he requested." 1 Chronicles 4:9-10(NKJV)

It's not praying and asking God to give you whatever you want, a formula for success, or even that if you pray it, God will give you all the desires of your heart. I mentioned in a couple of posts ago that the Lord has shaped HIS desires into being my own. What I wanted, my desires, with Tori's life, didn't happen. However, He has changed my desires to be the same as His and my mindset is changing. He has poured out his BLESSINGS on me in that aspect. We have nice cars, a nice home, etc., but it's not the tangible, materialistic blessings that I am talking about praying for. Praying a chant, believing that God is going to give you everything your heart desires if you do, is misleading. We could go into lots of theological issues here, but back to my point....make your prayer that of Jabez's this next year and as you honor the Lord with your life, even in your heartaches, see if you don't see your "territory enlarged and His hand with you" through it all.

A New Year

2008-12-28T14:56:00.006-06:00

Well, I specifically remember writing on CB at this time last year saying that I could not wait to see 2007 go and bring in 2008 in hopes of a better year. Only a few months after writing that, my daughter passed away. That is not what I had hoped or expected 2008 to bring, but it did. 2008 will be a year I will never forget. It has been full of many ups and downs for me and my family. We have been tested, discouraged, uplifted, encouraged, saddened, depressed, happy, glad, thankful, and so many more emotions that don't quite grasp what I have felt in a matter of 12 months. I am thankful for 2008 just the same, for it has been a pivotal year in my life and taught me many things about my relationship with God as well as others. It has strengthened me through various circumstances, and left me feeling very down on other days. In sad or happy times, though, this past year has helped shape me into the person I am today. Some things I want to change or strengthen, but nevertheless, I am who I am today because of things that have happened in 2008.

Am I ready for a new year, though? A fresh start? Something better? You bet. I feel like I need a "facelift," a "pick me up." It reminds me of what my dad was saying this morning about not ever being content with what and how we are today, but instead focus on changing, growing and getting "better." He said it well by saying that we should constantly be accepting change in our life, never trying to focus on the past but instead on the future. For there is no FAITH in looking to the past, but there is when looking towards the future. There is also no HOPE if you dwell on the past, but there is for the future. I am determined to "step out" this next year....out of my comfort zone and in faith. I know God has some big things in store for me and my family, and I want to see Him continue to work in our lives in 2009.

I wanted to mention something that has been on my heart and mind. I know I don't have to justify this to anyone, because what people think really doesn't matter, but for my own sake, I wanted to say this in love.
It has been said before along the lines of that because Tori didn't come home from the hospital like most babies, that because she didn't get to do things like most babies, that she was "handicapped" or that her quality of life made her like a vegetable, meaning that it was better off that she went to be with Jesus despite it being hard, sad or difficult on us.

Let me clarify.........Tori was born 12 weeks early, that's 3 months, and although she was very tiny, she was NOT handicapped or anything wrong with her at birth. Her body was completely formed, although her systems were premature, she just had to play catch up and grow, but mentally, nothing was wrong with her. As she got older, she would respond to my voice, watch her mobile, "cry," interact by holding our hands and many more things, as much as tolerated, despite her getting sick. Yes, because she was in the hospital so long, her motor skills were not that of a regular baby her age because she couldn't get up and play, but she was not mentally retarded, a vegetable, or anything of the sort.

She became sick because she had been on nutritional support for so long due to not keeping down her food well enough. That made her sicker. That was the root issue and what caused everything, not a handicap or disease. She was a baby with a personality, a human being who loved to be loved on, and had specific likes and dislikes that made her happy or mad just like all babies, and knew who her mommy and daddy were!!

I just felt the need to clear this up because I never thought people may have viewed her as this, because I assumed they knew her as I did, but they didn't. Some close friends and family got to see and hold her, but not the majority of our church family, friends, etc. Her death was just like any other death....a stillborn infant, a child that died from cancer, a teenager in a car crash, a husband that died from a heart attack, a mom that died from breast cancer, or any other death. Every situation named is different, but her death had the same result and feeling on our hearts.

Just because she never left the hospital (because she got sick) does not mean she never had a chance at a good quality of life. She never had any brain bleeds, bowel obstructions, heart problems, or tons of other things that most preemies face. She was completely healthy, just very tiny and never could tolerate feedings because of it. Until you are around it all the time, you can't possibly understand the full aspect of it. I sure didn't until NICU life. Anyway, I was just thinking about this and wanted to mention it. Sorry for turning this post into a novel, but thanks for taking the time to read.

I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas and will have a blessed New Year. Remember to keep Christ at the center of everything, and it shouldn't be a problem....no matter what obstacles you face....I promise. It won't be easy, and you will mess up and fall down, but His grace is there to see you through if you will call on Him and let Him be your all in all.

"Be Still and Know That I Am God"

2008-12-20T17:58:00.005-06:00

The above title is not something I am very good at...'being still.' I have been really discouraged, depressed, down in the dumps, whatever you want to call it, the closer it's gotten to Christmas it seems. It's not a constant feeling, but it comes and goes more than usual lately. I really think it is in anticipation of Christmas and all that the holiday season brings with the lack of having Tori here, and it is really taking a toll on me emotionally. I now understand why they say the holidays can be some of the hardest/worst times of the year for people. I truly never understood that until now.

So, this morning I had a mini breakdown about it all. Something specific triggered it, but once the tears started, I couldn't stop. I texted my group of special-heaven sent-prayer warrior-loving friends and asked them to say a prayer for me, that it was a tough day already. I have great girlfriends that have been there through this whole tragedy and I am so blessed to have them. I also called my mom and shared my heart with her. We can have our disagreements, but she is always there to listen when I need a friend. Her wisdom always comes in handy (although you never want to admit that to your mother...ha,ha,ha!) and she said when she feels the way I'm feeling about Tori, that she has to go "get alone with God, be still and quiet, and pour her heart out to Him, asking Him to remind her of all the blessings He's given." Something I knew I should do, but I was hurt and hadn't turned to Him first this morning but vented to others instead. It's okay to talk to others about our hurts, but He should definitely be our ultimate source of comfort over anyone else.

So, I got to thinking about it, and I went to Tori's room, shut the door, and I began pouring my heart out to Him. As I looked around her room at all her pictures, her stuffed animals, her blankets and her outfits, I was reminded of something I thought of that morning. Six of our Christmas cards hanging up this year are from people we met through Tori's life. Those are six lives or families that were somehow touched, impacted or simply brought into our lives through my precious baby girl's life that God blessed us with. Although that fact doesn't take away my pain or bring her back, knowing these people, and many more, through this tragedy has enriched my life. I have lifelong friends that have blossomed into wonderful friendships and I will cherish them always and how our relationship came to be. All of the memories I have of Tori are more than some mothers ever get to have unfortunately, but I am thankful for the six months I had with her. Although she was in pain and not healthy the whole time, we formed a bond that only mother's and their babies can have. I am thankful beyond words for that.

I asked the Lord this morning (as I have countless times before) to heal mine and Josh's broken hearts, to comfort us and give us continued peace. In my last post, I said that I will have to take comfort in knowing that He knew better than I did for the plan of Tori's life, but it doesn't stop there. Not only did He know better than I did, but He is helping me accept His plan as my own. Let me explain. I have prayed before that my desires will be His, and although Tori dying was not my desire, He is teaching me through each hard day like today that His will was carried out and that I want what He wants. That does NOT mean I wanted my daughter to die, but it simply means that I want SO badly to give of myself and my desires, that I want to sarcifice any desire I might have over Him, and put it to the backseat compared to what He has planned. I want a baby girl like a lot of my friends have. I want two girls to celebrate Christmas together this year. I want a family of four and it to feel "complete" in our home. I want this hole in my heart to be filled. I want Tori back. But if I truly mean what I say I believe, I will willingly sacrifice those desires and ultimately accept His instead.

Am I always this selfless in my thinking?! Unfortunately not. It's a growing process, something that it takes a lot of heartache and conviction to bring me to this place. It definitely isn't the best travel, but the journey is worth the end result, I'm sure. Like I told my mom this morning, I'm just ready to see what the end result of all this is....the joy that comes in the morning....because it just doesn't all make sense. That probably won't happen until I reach heaven, though, so I will have to wait. Things like knowing the people (some of you) that sent us Christmas cards and correspond with me regularly now, help with that waiting, though.

Thank you for listening, and I urge you to "be still and know that He is God." Really. It's not just a cliche saying. It's real and it works. All of the pain in my heart isn't gone after this morning, but talking to Him did remind me of a lot of the blessings in my life, a major one being Savannah, and then lots of other things He's done and worked in my life these past two years and before. Like I said, I'm not "STILL" near enough with the hussle and bussle of our busy lives, but man when I am, the outcome is sweet.

My First Christmas in Heaven

2008-12-17T15:01:00.003-06:00

I read this as I was trying to stay optimistic about not having Tori here for Christmas this year. I wanted to share it with all of you who may have lost a child or a loved one since last Christmas. All I can say is that at least they're not suffering anymore and that comforts my heart. However, it would comfort my heart even more to have her whole and here with me. I will have to hang onto the hope that He knew better than I did, though.

I see the countless Christmas trees,
around the world below.
With tiny lights, like Heaven's stars,
reflecting on the snow.

The sight is so spectacular,
please wipe away the tear.
For I am spending Christmas,
with Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs,
that people hold so dear.
But the sounds of music can't compare,
with the Christmas choir up here.

I have no words to tell you,
the joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description,
to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me,
I see the pain inside your heart.
But I am not so far away,
We really aren't apart.

So be happy for me, dear ones,
You know I hold you dear.
And be glad I'm spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.

I sent you each a special gift,
from my heavenly home above.
I sent you each a memory,
of my undying love.

After all, love is a gift more precious,
than the purest gold.
It was always most important,
in the stories Jesus told.

Please love and keep each other,
my Father said to do.
I can't count the blessing or love,
He has for each of you.

So have a Merry Christmas,
and wipe away that tear.
Remember, I am spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.

Author Unknown

Prayer for a NICU Baby

2008-12-13T10:48:00.008-06:00

A nurse and friend of mine introduced me to Reed Putman via his caring bridge page and I'd like to ask all you faithful prayer warriors to pray for little Reed. His parents are Christians and are praying that God does a work in little Reed's body as he is having a lot of similiar struggles that Tori had this time last year. To read his mom's journal brought back a lot of memories of how Tori looked with all the fluid and remembering things like changing such tiny diapers, etc.

(This picture is of Tori before she started to get sick last November. This is before all the fluid build up when she could still wear the tiny diapers.)

It seems like no time ago that was US there in the NICU praying and hoping for a miracle as we sat by our daughter's bedside day in and day out. You don't ever think about this being the way children enter this world, but everyday there are babies born early like this, facing complications due to prematurity. This is why it's so important to be involved in things like the Melissa George Fund where lifesaving equipment is bought for the NICU because you never know if it is going to be YOU or someone you know that may need it one day.

(This is how tiny some babies start out. This was Tori's hand holding my finger.)

Please visit Reed's page and pray for him and his family. As we celebrate Christmas this year, I think of all the families who will spend it in the hospital with their children instead of at home. If you have a healthy baby that came home from the hospital with you, count your blessings and hug them a little tighter.

www.caringbridge.org/visit/reedputman

(This is our family at Christmas time in the hospital last year. Many families spend the holidays with their children in the hospital each year.)

Stressed Out and Sleep Deprived

2008-12-12T14:54:00.005-06:00

I know everyone has busy, stressful things happening or going on in their lives, and mine is nothing more important than yours, but I feel out of the ordinary stressed out lately. It's from the smallest things to the biggest things, most of which I don't have a lot of control over. Some are legitimate things to be concerned about, but I've always been a worry wart and am doing so more than ever it seems! To top it all off, I am not sleeping well either, so instead of relying on Ambien, I would like to try other alternatives. Anyone have any suggestions that has the same problem?? Reading scripture is always a good idea. Any other ideas are welcome.

Through my grief counseling, we have also talked about my anxiety level after Tori's loss because it seems to be at an all time high since she's died. So through prayer, medication, trying to stay positive, etc., I am trying to overcome this worrisome spirit! However, I am not succeeding very well today, and so I thought, what better way than to ask my blog readers to say a prayer for me...that my nerves will be calmed, that I won't worry, but instead let God handle things, and keep thinking positively.

On another note, my sister is coming home from Japan today for Christmas! We are all so excited! For those who don't know, she got married in May and moved to Japan where her husband is stationed in the Air Force. She will be home for 2 weeks and we are all looking forward to it! SO, we are off to the airport this afternoon to pick her up! She has requested one of our favorite Mexican restaraunts for dinner and then we're off to a live nativity! It should be a good night as we welcome her home (and hopefully stress free..lol)!! :)

Thanks for the prayers. Have a good weekend.

Happy Holidays

2008-12-07T14:54:00.005-06:00

I picked a new background because I really liked the style of it. It's simple and yet has just the right flair I was looking for! The only thing that I wanted to mention is that it says HAPPY HOLIDAYS instead of MERRY CHRISTMAS. Now I remember when we used to say HAPPY HOLIDAYS and a second thought was never given. However, with the day and age we live in, people are trying to take CHRIST out of everything, so we as Christians try to make sure we say MERRY CHRISTMAS vs. HAPPY HOLIDAYS now. It's sad that it's come to that, because I really liked to say "Happy Holidays," because it sums up Christmas and New Years, is quicker, and even has a nice ring to it. I try to always emphasize Merry Christmas now, though.

I really enjoy the Christmas classic, "Happy Holidays, Happy Holidays, Happy Holidaaaaaays...toooooooo....yoooooooouuuu!" I hope you know the one I'm singing in my head :) So, please know that I wish you a very MERRY Christmas, as well as Happy Holidays, but first and foremost, the reason we celebrate this time of year is because of CHRIST and that will NEVER be taken out of Christmas for me!! BTW- don't these people that hate CHRIST in CHRISTMAS know that they can change all the commercials and stores to say "Season's Greetings" or "Happy Holidays" but they still haven't changed the calendar to December 25th to read HOLIDAY or anything other than CHRISTMAS. That's what it was when they celebrated as a child, and what it always will be! :)

**P.S. It's sad that the above cartoon may become a reality one day and already is in some places!!! I read about how some people aren't allowed to say MERRY CHRISTMAS in their workplace. I think I'd find a new job. Pronto. No ifs, ands, or buts about it.

Heaven Sent Friends

2008-12-05T22:18:00.005-06:00

You've probably heard the term before..."she/he is heaven sent, a treasure from above." Well, I have been blessed with several "heaven sent friends" and they mean so much to me. I try not to take them for granted. I realize how much they mean to me, especially at this time of the year, and how blessed I am to have them in my life.

I have friends like Shannon, whom I've never met, only corresponded with via email but feel like I know her and Lord willing, one day I will. She found Tori's story back in the beginning and has followed it daily, praying for her and encouraging me along the way. She has met others through my blog and even attended a Bible study done by of one of the ladies on my blog, Angie (the Beth Moore, Stepping Up study I did this past summer) and I know she was blessed through that.

Tori's legacy didn't stop with people who heard and were impacted by her story alone. Her life, and me being able to share it with others, led those people to other people, and they were then touched down the road long after Tori was gone. That is so awesome to me. It encourages a grieving mother's heart in ways words can't express. Shannon sent me the most precious ornament last week that I will cherish always. I want to publicly say thank you, Shannon, for it meant so much to me when I opened the package and really thought about the meaning. You can see the ornament below:

It reads: "You may miss me, but I'm spending Christmas with Jesus this year." WOW- is all I could say for I was speechless when I opened it. Someone who has never met me in person, saw this and said they thought of Tori, and then took the time to mail it to me. It made me stop and imagine the greatest Christmas ever- when we will stand face to face with Him and celebrate Him all day long. Wouldn't that be THE best Christmas ever?? How sad it is for me some days and I get down in the dumps, but it's things like this that lift my spirits back up. Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart for your encouragement so many times, Shannon.

I have other friends like Jill, whom I've known since middle school, and she can always make me laugh! She wrote "Tori's thoughts" to add a little smile to my updates on caringbridge and so many people were able to smile, too. She is definitely the ideal HAPPY person, easygoing (as well as outgoing), and encourages me with her positive outlook on life. She always listens to my negatives, any venting I need to do, and never criticizes me in return. To have the gift of JOY like she does, I would think by now she would have gotten tired of hearing my disappointments, hurts and fears, but she never complains, just helps me smile and laugh through it all! Thank you, Jilly, I love you!

I have older friends where age doesn't matter to me AT ALL. Not all my friends are in their 20's, in fact, the majority of our friends have always been older than us. Our kids are not the same age, we're not at the same stage in life, and the fact that they are wiser and more experienced probably helps me a lot. Deborah, (whom I blogged about, her and her family, on Thanksgiving), is like a second mother and yet a friend to me of the truest kind. I have never known a better servant's heart nor kinder spirit than hers. The list could go on here with friends in this category. I have several older friends, yet they are very close to me until age means nothing. I am so blessed to have all of them in my life.

Why did I blog about this? Am I trying to get brownie points with these select few I mentioned? Heaven's, no! Let me get to my point...there are friends that we may not have ever met if you've been in a situation like me...but they are someone who has prayed for and with you, a kindred spirit; there are friends you've known since you were a kid, and you can tell all your deepest, darkest secrets to and be accepted anyway; then there are friends that have come into your life more recently than others, some that may be at different stages in life than you, but you still have much in common. Why do you think the Lord puts each unique, individual person in your life? Is it coincidence? Does it happen by chance? I don't think so.

I have always had a lot of acquaintances, but only a handful of good friends. Good, loyal, true friendships are hard to build and even harder to keep...and if you guard your heart like I have, it's even harder. It's not until going through what I've been through with Tori and the aftermath of it all, that I've realized who my true friends are. Reminds me of the country song, "You Find out who your friends are." If you can stand a country song, listen to the lyrics below.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vk1mxUKiTN8&feature=related

My point is that I cherish the friendships that the Lord has placed in my life (all of you!!), and more importantly, I see what I want to be to others in a friendship. I'll never be the perfect friend. I may forget to send a card for their birthday, be in a bad mood some days, not return their call until a few days later, or even make them upset about something, but I want to be aware of these things and take good care of the friendships I have. Kind of like taking care of my car. I want to make sure I get the oil changed and the tires rotated and balanced to keep it running good. The same thing with my friendships.

I want to say THANK YOU to all of you for being my friend, no matter what level or type of friendship we share. I am thankful for you, and your friendship is one of the greatest gifts I treasure at Christmas!

"A friend loves at all times and a brother is born for adversity." Proverbs 17:17

Merry Christmas from the Wilhoit Elves

2008-12-04T08:05:00.002-06:00

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Goodbye November, Hello December

2008-11-30T16:39:00.006-06:00

Being shocked when I say, "I can't believe tomorrow is December 1st," is an understatement. It's hard for me to believe that spring has come and gone, as well as the hot summer, fall is quickly ending, and winter is here to stay. I've been getting in the Christmas spirit and anticipating the holidays for a couple of weeks now, but saying December 1st is tomorrow is like...WOW...it's really here! It will be tax time before you know it and 2008 will be a thing of the past.

In 3 short months (almost to the day) it will be a year that my sweet Tori has been gone. While a year may sound like a long time to some, in my life it hasn't been. Living with the memory of Tori and the effect her loss has had on me and my family has constantly made it seem like just a few months ago. When the truth is, a few months have turned into several months, and several months have turned into nearly a year. I can't believe it.

We finally took her crib down this last week and put a bed in its place. I needed a place for company to be able to sleep other than an air mattress or the couch, so her crib is now "in the past." It was sad to be taking the sheets, bedding, etc down, knowing it hadn't been touched since the day I set it all up anticipating her arrival soon. That day has come and gone, and now she has, too. I miss her so much. I wonder what she would be like this Christmas. Her original due date was December 11th, and then the 8th. So she should ultimately be turning a year old this month if all had gone right. I know it went "right" according to God's plan, but my plans weren't the same as His unfortunately.

I'm not really quite sure what the point of this post was other than I was thinking about "time," how quickly life really does pass us by and how it seems like no time ago we were at Vanderbilt with her for days and weeks on end. Last Christmas, we were living out of the Ronald McDonald house. Last Christmas, our only tree was a tiny one my friend bought for Tori's first Christmas. Last Christmas, we weren't sure if she would make it another day.

December 12, 2007 is a day I'll never forget. It was the day of her major surgery when they didn't plan for her to live for more than a few hours afterwards. She was tough and sure showed them, though. She lost so much blood that day and was so critical. I know it was the Lord that sustained her, but often times Josh and I have asked ourselves, "Why didn't he just take her then? Why did she continue to suffer and hurt only to have this kind of outcome? Did we do the right thing pushing her for various surgeries and procedures? We were only trying to give her every chance possible. Did it hurt her more than help her, though?"

To be honest, those are not questions I have voiced out loud a lot of times. I have accepted the sovereign plan of God and known all the answers to those questions truly aren't most important. However, as a parent that loved my child more than anything, I still wonder. I am HUMAN. I am at PEACE with her passing, but because my mind can't comprehend His ways (His thoughts are Higher than my thoughts; His ways higher than my ways), it's still a question that seems to linger sometimes.

Please pray for those who have lost their children, their loved ones, and even friends this past year. This will be our first Christmas without Tori since she came into our lives, so knowing how difficult it is for us, I can only imagine how it is for others in the same boat. Everyone grieves and reacts differently. My heart truly goes out to those who can't fully enjoy this Christmas season because they don't see much hope or light at the end of the tunnel. As Christians, we have hope and "light at the end of the tunnel," but it can still seem bleak at times, so I understand how they might feel. I hope you have a blessed Christmas season!

He Gives and Takes Away

2008-11-26T19:14:00.008-06:00

While I am reflecting on Thanksgiving being tomorrow and what it means, I think about all the Lord has given me. He has blessed me immensely, beyond what I deserve.

I have a wonderful family, both on mine and my husband's side- they are very supportive, loving and always there for Josh and I when we need them. I have wonderful friends. I have been through very difficult things over the past 2 years, and I can honestly attest to the country song, "You Find Out Who Your Friends Are." During rough times, you find out who "sticks closer than a brother." We are so blessed with some of the most supportive friends ever. I have a nice house, nice car, nice clothes, and the list goes on. I take these things for granted everyday. I have never gone hungry- I have no idea what it's like to not have food on the table and I also take that for granted more than I realize. We are a blessed nation, despite all the economic hardship we are enduring. I'd say, overall, I have much to be thankful for.

Last Thanksgiving, we had turkey and dressing at Hard Rock Cafe in Nashville since that was the only place we could find nearby serving it (other than the hospital cafeteria, which we were tired of). It will forever be the most memorable Thanksgiving etched in my mind. It was my one and only Thanksgiving to share with Tori. I am so thankful that I got to spend that day with her. I was reminded this week of just how much I miss her and how much I yearn to have her here this Thanksgiving. Let me explain.

My very good friend, coworker, and second mother, Deborah, has become near and dear to my heart, as well as her family. She has accepted me as her own and we've even had others mistake us for mother and daughter a few times. :) I KNOW the Lord brought us together at the right time in our lives. I can tell her anything, never be judged, and she always listens and offers godly advice/encouragement.

When I began working at UBC with Deborah, Savannah was 3 months old. Now Savannah has just turned 3 years old, so she's seen my daughter grow up so far. Her family has welcomed mine with open arms throughout our hardships, and I am blessed to have friendships with her children and daughter in laws as well. You never know who the Lord is going to bring in your path and what kind of lifelong friendships can flourish when needed most.

A year after working at UBC, I miscarried on January 23, 2007. Deborah was the one who rushed me to the hospital when my water broke. It was quite an experience to say the least, a very scary one, to the point where the anesthesiologist said I could've bled to death if the doctor didn't come "NOW." Yes, I'm serious. Going through something like that with someone makes you closer for sure.

A couple of months later, I became pregnant with Tori. Deborah was a constant source of encouragement and prayer warrior on Tori's behalf after she was born early and then became so sick. Her family encouraged me, too, as so many of you did. After Tori died, Deborah and I openly shared some of the same feelings and questions for God. "WHY?" was the major question and feelings of anger and hurt were openly expressed and never judged. We both struggled as we studied Job and discussed things honestly. I am so thankful for that brutal honesty about our fears, pains and disappointments with Tori's death. It's been almost 9 months since Tori died, and in that time, He's done lots of wonderful things and is working on healing mine, Deborah's, and so many of my family member's hearts.

In those 9 months, he has created two precious baby girls. Both of Deborah's daughter in laws became pregnant...both with baby girls. You can ask any of my friends who had baby's around the same time or after Tori: being around newborns has been VERY hard on me and Josh both. As babies get older and grow, it's become a little easier, but the tiny ones remind me SO much of Tori until it's been almost unbearable to be around them. I feared that would be the case with these two, and although it left me thinking of Tori a lot afterwards, it filled my heart with JOY to welcome Isabella Grace Clem into the world this week!

Bella was born Monday night and I was SO excited for their family! They have waited so long for this healthy, beautiful baby girl to arrive! I did something that I have NOT been able to do, nor want to do, since Tori died, and that was go to the hospital and even held her. I wanted nothing more than for them to have a healthy baby that they could love, take home in 2 days and share the rest of their lives with, and I wanted to be there to support and love on them all the best I knew how. After all, they have done that for me more than I can say. Deborah has always been sensitive to my feelings, but I assure her that I am happy for them and coudln't wait for them to get here, and I couldn't/can't! (Eden will be here in January!)

Below are some pictures of me holding Bella and Savannah watching over her. I hadn't mentioned Tori at all before we went and Savannah didn't say a word about her either.....at first. After holding Bella for awhile, I opened up her blanket to show Savannah her tiny fingers and that was what triggered Tori in Savannah's mind.

She looked at Bella's fingers and clearly said, "Tori has tiny fingers like that." I smiled and replied, "Yes, Tori did have tiny fingers like this, didn't she?" Savannah went on to ask, "Is Tori here at the hospital, too?" I said with a solemn thought, "No, baby, she's not here; where is she? You know where she is." She quickly replied, "She's in Heaven!" Again, I said, "yes, that's right, she's in Heaven with Jesus." She then looked up at me and asked, "Momma, can we go to Heaven and see her?" Thinking, how do I explain this to her, I said, "No, baby, not today; but one day we'll go to Heaven and see her." That was an end to her questions, but the continuing cycle of my heart so badly desiring to have Tori here with Savannah!

After I left the hospital, I thought about the phrase "He gives and takes away." I thought about how a new baby has been born after one baby has died. One family has suffered loss and heartache, when only a season later, another family celebrates birth and joy! I thought about how the world constantly changes, nothing stays the same, and people are born while others die everyday. The cycle of life, right?! Well, through all that cycling, one thought came to mind...."You give and take away; You give and take away. My heart will choose to say, "Lord, Blessed be Your Name."

That's what I want my prayer to be this Thanksgiving....blessing His name for all He gives....despite what He has chosen to "take away" at this time in my life. So many times I lose sight of the "big picture" and my eyes get focused on other things. I have nothing to complain about, I am so blessed. Although He has chosen to "take away" at this time in my life, He promises Joy in the morning and I look forward to the days when my joy is restored! He has already been faithful to do so in many ways, and I only look forward to what He has in store for the future, too.

Hope you and your family have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Christmas Season Kickoff

2008-11-22T22:21:00.011-06:00

Well, we have truly kicked off the Christmas season this weekend! Never in my life have I done it before Thanksgiving (it's been some kind of mental no-no), but this year was different! I was just so excited to get things going (the music, the decorations, etc.) until I couldn't wait a whole 'nother week! :) I really think it is because we did not have any type of normal Christmas last year- it was spent in the hospital mostly, as well as Thanksgiving, so it's really been 2 years since we've done any of it. Savannah is just as psyched as I am, so I guess it's fair to say that I've been like a child at Christmas so far! :)

There's always the bittersweet part of not having Tori here, but I try not to dwell on it in a negative way, but instead remember her in a positive light as we're doing things this Christmas. For instance, pink was her color and I've gotten several angel collectibles since she's died, so it was only fitting that I bought a pretty pink, sparkly, angel ornament in memory of her to hang on our tree this year. I also thought as we were putting our angel on top of our tree this year how she is truly in the presence of angels right now. If you stop and think about it, it's pretty awesome to say the least. We put lights in our yard today, too, and to think that she's seeing the prettiest lights ever....I am certain heaven is full of light, along with shiny streets of gold, etc. My baby is seeing all that right now!! I still wish she was here to sing Christmas songs with her sister, but I will have to take comfort in remembering she is singing even greater songs to the King of Kings in His very presence!! WOW- is all I can say.

Last night we went to Red Robin at Bridge Street and had dinner with our family. We enjoyed great food and great conversation. We haven't done that with my parents and brother in quite awhile. Although we live very close to them, we don't see them hardly at all it seems. We all get too busy and have different schedules, but we need to make family time more of a priority like we did last night. We always enjoy being together.

After dinner, we froze our heiney's (sp?) off and stood outside waiting on the tree lighting ceremony to begin, when lo and behold, they had "technical difficulties" and couldn't get it to light/stay lit at first. We had fun, freezing mind you, but fun indeed. We walked around and window shopped, listened to the carolers, went to the carousel where Savannah and Micah wrote letters to Santa and lot's more! Here are some pictures below. Let me just tell you, Savannah L-O-V-E-D the carolers. We were all walking along when she stopped in front of the whole crowd that had stopped to listen to the carolers, and she was in awe. They were true carolers and went from place to place, so we saw them several times throughout the evening. One time, they even asked her to join them, so I got some good pictures of Savannah doing just that, singing along. (Once I get my new and improved camera!!, I will be able to show you even better pictures! Don't think I didn't point this out to the family several times throughout the evening because my camera is a piece of junk that is just trying to die on me....that, and my brother dropped it last night, causing it to have an even shorter life span now.)

Tonight, we went and got our tree. We get a live, frasier fir every year. It's traditional to have a LIVE tree vs. a "fake tree" in my family, so I am carrying on the tradition each year and plan to continue to do so. However, my mom finally caved two years ago since my sister and I were grown and out of the house and my brother could care less if it was real or not, and got a NICE fake tree. In case you're wondering, yes, there are different levels of niceness on fake trees. Just look at the prices. My mom lucked up and got a nice one with her employee discount that year because she was the decorating manager at a store where she did Interior decorating at Christmas and decided to invest in one then. Other than that, we've always had a real tree, and I refuse to change....for now. :) The good part is there's not AS many needles that fall off (in my opinion) with a frasier fir vs. a regular ole pine needle tree. Anywho, that's the long drawn out version, and we got ours tonight. There are some pictures below of our fantastic evening together. I told my husband that my night was complete....decorating our Christmas tree together as a family, "cardboard pizza" for dinner (what we call our cheap, boxed pizza we love!), and my Mariah Carey Christmas CD...what else could a girl want?!

Needless to say, it's been a good weekend! Tell me about yours if you've been getting in the Christmas (not holiday) spirit, too! Merry Christmas!

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

2008-11-20T20:00:00.004-06:00

I LOVE Christmas in case you didn't know! NOT because of receiving gifts, although unfortunately that wasn't always the case as a child and even teenager. I have truly discovered and cherish the true meaning of Christmas, and first and foremost that is that the greatest gift of all is celebrated at Christmas time....and that is the birth of our Savior. Without His birth, and in the coolest way possible I might add, Christmas would be pointless. Who would have ever expected a King to come in a manger in a bed of straw?? You would expect the best hospital, personal nursing care, and all the things money could buy. No, He came humbly and willing even then. He loved us that much to sacrifice even a grand entrance. Have you ever thought of it that way? I say it that way because I'm sure He could have changed that, don't you think?! Because He was the Son of God, He even had the power to get off that cross when he died, but He chose not to. He sacrificially gave of Himself. Wow, He loves us that much. So, that is the MOST important thing about Christmas, but guess what else makes Christmas important and special to me?? Well, I'm glad you asked...just let me tell you....

Family....togetherness....traditions.....carols....GIVING gifts.....kindness....compassion....and the list goes on. Although Christmas has become very commercialized through the years, I love all the decorating, the family and friend get togethers, the singing Christmas music in our cars, our homes, our church's, our schools, and the feeling that comes with this time of year by the majority of people. I LOVE buying gifts for others. Although money is really tight this year, I love bargain shopping and finding good deals on gifts I think family members will really love, especially Savannah. That is one of the things I love most about Christmas: giving Savannah the kinds of Christmas' I grew up having and now cherish as I think back on them.

The sad part to this perfect sounding story for me this year....Tori is not here to share it with us. I wish with all my heart that she was....nothing would thrill my heart more than to see my two girls wake up together on Christmas morning like my sister and I always did, and see their smiling faces Christmas day. As I see Savannah get excited about the lights, the Christmas music and what she wants to ask Santa for this year, I am constantly reminded that I should have TWO girls doing these things this year. This is why they say the Holidays can be some of the most depressing times of the year vs. the most wonderful time of the year. It is often times when people miss their loved ones who have died and long for them to still be here to share in the family traditions, etc.

One of the first things we will be doing to "kickoff" this Christmas season is to attend the first annual Christmas tree lighting and light show afterwards tomorrow night at Bridge Street Town Center, an outdoor, european style shopping center here in Huntsville, much like the Summit in B'ham. YES, I am aware that it is supposed to be FREEZING, but every Christmas season we go one night as a family (with my extended family) to dinner and do something special together. This year will be this event tomorrow night. Their will be caroling and warm drinks to accompany us! :) We will have dinner there, too. I am looking very forward to it and then also to putting our tree up Saturday night! We ALWAYS do it the weekend after Thanksgiving, but since we will be hosting family at our home the weekend on/after Thanksgiving, we are going to do it this weekend.

I hope you and your family are "catching the Christmas spirit" this year and are remembering the REASON FOR THE SEASON! Cherish each other and celebrate the fact that you are TOGETHER this year. If someone in your family is missing, hug the ones you do have a little tighter....

Camera Happy

2008-11-18T16:29:00.003-06:00

Doesn't the title of my blog usually mean that someone is taking a lot of pictures if they're being "camera happy?" Well, that's not so much what I mean today (but will in a few weeks), but rather that I am SO ecstatic about my upcoming Christmas present from my mom and hubby!

I have asked for NOTHING for Christmas. When my mom asked me last week what I wanted, I said NOTHING. I want it all to be about Savannah this year and nothing for myself. Weeeellll, that was until I had an offer today that I couldn't refuse! (I am blogging about it because I am SO excited and can't hardly believe it, so just appease me and read, thanks!!!)

I have priced Nikon D40's for awhile now because of how many pictures I take with Savannah and all, but thought "I'll NEVER be able to afford a camera like that." I do NOT have the extra cash to do so, because brand new D40's are priced around 500 and up. The D50's, one step up, are priced $650 and up. So, I've been drooling and dreaming over them.

My good friend, Emily, has had a D50 she's been using. She actually took our latest family pictures with it (one of which is the picture at the top of my blog). It is a dream come true (for us both) that she got a D80 for her Birthday and in casual conversation today she said she was going to be selling her old one for $250. I knew what a deal this was, even for a used one, and told her to hold off until I asked my mom and hubby if they'd like to make this my one and only Christmas present. They have both agreed to go in half and do this for me! Yipeeeeeee! That is all I want, and any Christmas money I get from anyone will go towards this $125 part Josh is going to put out for me as well (I always feel guilty buying anything for myself now that we have a child).

I only wish that I could go back and take a lot of Savannah's pictures as a baby with my upcoming Christmas gift! I will have to make up for lost time now and am sure you'll be seeing plenty of crisp, clear pictures of her in the future!! :)

Copycat

2008-11-17T15:25:00.004-06:00

Thanks to my friend Christy, I have an idea. I'll tell you some things about me, but then you have to share some things about YOU! I don't open up to others enough, so this is a good chance to do so....as well as get to know you all better :) ALSO- I have been wanting to post this for awhile and keep forgetting, but if you have a blog, please let me know so I can read it and keep up with you! I don't know who a lot of my readers are anymore, my blogpatrol says they are from all over, but I'd like to read your thoughts as well. Thanks!! Look forward to "meeting" you!

I am a very detailed and organized person. I have a lot of OCD tendencies, don't worry...not crazy, off the wall things, but like wanting to keep the house neat, things organized, etc. I like to have things planned most of the time, but wish I was more sporatic! (Working on this) I DO take Zoloft to help with depression and anxiety, though. Not ashamed, either.
I am a DIET COKE ADDICT. My kidneys will probably shut down any day now. I HAVE to have a diet coke...like...all the time. Not good, I know. I've tried to cut back, but continue to fail. Do you think they could make Diet Coke patches like nicotene patches??
I have a VERY hard time opening up to people and trusting in general. Okay, so you probably knew this from my previous posts, but thought I would throw it out there.
I was almost 200 pounds when I had Savannah! There, you have it! A woman told her weight...and on a public site! I am not ashamed. I still haven't lost all my baby weight from her, my miscarriage, or Tori. Although I'd like to be several sizes smaller and am working at it, I've come to accept my figure for how it is now. My babies helped put it there, so I try to look at it that way :)
I AM a natural blonde, although the older I get, the darker my hair gets. I have to keep it highlighted these days. It's a pain in the butt, too....
I do NOT like CAKE or most sweets. I know, shocker, huh?! I HEART Cheesecake and certain other things, but I'm not a big chocolate fan. Can you believe it?! A woman that doesn't crave chocolate?? Let's just say it's a good thing, or I would still be near 200 pounds! :)
I LOVE singing to the radio and playing guitar Hero on EASY, but that's about as far as my musical talent goes. My husband rolls his eyes when we're driving down the road and I am jamming as loud as I can! :)
I want 2 more children but am really worried that this won't happen. It's not something I've rushed to talk or think about since Tori died, but this has always been my heart's desire, and I'm afraid I won't be able to. I am SO blessed to have just Savannah if that's what the Lord has for me, but I would LOVE to have another baby...or two. (I LOVE being a mother!!)
I don't like to read, so I have several books I've started and never finished. Kind of sad, because I have no clue how they end. One day, one day....I'll finish them.
I love Carrie Underwood and The Dixie Chick's old stuff. I heart Mariah Carey's Christmas CD...I could listen to it year round. I love Natalie Grant...I saw her singing at a church when she first started out. I love, love some good female vocalists...but definitely have some fave male vocalists, too!
The Notebook is my all time, favorite movie! The duck and rain scene is my favorite! (Yes, I'm a romantic at heart!) I love snuggling and quality time is definitely my love language!
When I'm down in the dumps, buying somethng makes me feel better...and it also gets me in trouble with my husband. Just buying groceries can be therapeutic for me! I know, weird, right??
I love my family and wished I lived in Danielsville, GA with lots of land and we all lived close to each other and had big huge dinners with our big huge families and big huge six digit salaries to live off of! :) *what a run on sentence, I know.

Okay, so I'm REALLY tired of talking about myself. I'm now ready to hear from YOU. Get busy.

Brighter Days

2008-11-16T06:25:00.003-06:00

Tomorrow I will begin a "new" job. I have actually had this job before, but when I was 6 months pregnant with Tori, I quit to be able to stay home with my 2 girls and work at MDO at our church part time where my kids could go with me. It was really a blessing in disguise that I quit I guess; there was no way I could have maintained a job while in Nashville with Tori for so long. They would have had to of found someone to replace me because I was out 6months with her. Not to mention the fact that I did NOT work again at all until the summer (a few hours a day at MDO at a local church) because I needed some time to just "be" after her death. I did that through the summer until the MDO at our church started back up in the fall where I am 2 days a week again.

Well, back in September, everything began to get much tighter for our family (with the economy the way it is, who isn't it tight for??). I knew I was going to have to add something else to the fire to help out. We went in for a sick visit with Savannah, and I decided to ask my previous job (which was before the secretarial position I am starting back tomorrow), my daughter's pediatrician's office, if they needed any help. I figured I could work there through the winter months (when they are most busy) and see what happens next spring or summer. It's NOT really what I "wanted" to do, but I was willing to do it. It was good because I knew the doctors and all the staff, how they do things and didn't have to learn anything, just start. I have been doing that 3 days a week since September, along with MDO 2 days a week to still be able to be home with Savannah some.

I got a phone call 2 weeks ago where all that changed for me, though. The job I am starting tomorrow is the secretarial position at University Baptist Church in Huntsville and I loved it when I was there! I loved my job and what I did (I love designing the bulletin, newsletter, powerpoint, etc.) and I also love the people there. They were all brought into my life for a reason, I know that without a shadow of a doubt, and it's NO coincidence that they are being brought back into my life again I know.

UBC is where I miscarried in January 2007. My water broke upstairs in the church and my dear friend/second mother rushed me to the hospital. This is where I have been in my life when I've lost 2 children, a very hard and difficult time in my life, but this church family has been much like my own, encouraging and praying for me all along the way. The staff is awesome. I love their "new" pastor. I say new because he came while I was there (which it has been a year and 4 months since I worked there...it seems like longer).

I am looking forward to going back, to an uplifting environment vs. all the wordly stuff that can drag you down at most jobs. It is good medicine for my soul to be around other believers at my job. Not something most people get to do, and don't get me wrong, we should definitely be around non believers to be able to impact them, but hopefully you know what I mean about not battling all the worldly things as much in this type of environment.

I will still be working MDO at our church 2 days a week for now, to be able to be home with Savannah more, but I am praying about what the Lord has in store for me. More to come later. I have lots of unanswered questions with God right now...prayer for wisdom, discernment and guidance would be helpful.

This is a true BLESSING that the Lord has given me again, and I don't take that lightly. "Thank you, Lord, for opening this door!" This was much more on a brighter note than my last post, but hey, at least I am trying to point out the positive. :)

When it Hits, it Hits Hard

2008-11-14T08:26:00.003-06:00

Last night I got home about 8:30 and after putting Savannah to bed, I actually had an evening that I didn't have a trillion things to do, so I decided to sit down and see what was on TV. Nothing out of the ordinary for most people, but I haven't been able to just sit and watch TV as I used to for time limitations and because I choose to do other things a lot of the time now. (Don't get me wrong, there are still my favorite shows that I DO make time for!) Anyway, the point is that it was the first time in awhile I just sat down and started flipping through the channels with no agenda in mind.

WHY?!? WHY did I have to flip to NBC and it be the beginning of ER. Now I've seen ER in previous seasons, and am not even sure if this was a rerun or a current episode because I don't follow it, but it was a lot of new characters that I don't remember being on it when I've seen it before. I decided to stay on the channel and within the first two minutes, before they even put the title of the show up, they showed a dad in the river that had gone off the sidewalk with his stroller and the baby was in the water somewhere and he couldn't find her. Her doll was floating to the top and he was screaming frantically trying to find her. Needless to say, I began to turn the channel because it was too heartbreaking for me to even think about, much less watch.

But as a few minutes passed, my interest was already sparked of how it turned out. (I really hope this was not a new episode and I am spoiling someone who has tivo'd it and not seen it yet! Man, I would feel bad!) SO, I turned back to watch it, even though the thought of a baby dying was incredibly painful and stressing me immensely at the moment. Coming to peace with your daughter dying is one thing, but when something like this strikes a place in your heart, it hits and it hits HARD emotionally out of the blue.

As I wacthed it, it was the doctor working on this little girl (which they did find in the water) that had lost her son suddenly to leukemia when he had a seizure and stroke and died after rushing him to the hospital and they never had a chance to say goodbye. Through all the trauma and drama going on between the girl that was in the river (which lived) and the doctor having constant flashbacks of her little boy dying, it was horrible. I screamed out, crying, actually bawling like a baby after it was over, because I felt that pain ALL OVER AGAIN.

She said something to a coworker at the end that hit home to me when she was asked "What happened in there when you were working on her? Did you have a patient that was a kid that died or something?" (She had been extra passionate and trying to fight for this little girl because all the time she was "flashing back" to the day her son died when only moments earlier he had been at the park throwing a ball and they had no idea he was sick- he had acute leukemia with no signs) She answered, "Yes, I did, that KID was my son. He died in Trauma 1 (which was the room down the hall and the coworker looked at her in disbelief)." He said he was so sorry, that he had no idea or what to say now, except that he was sorry for her loss. She replied with the statement that hurt my heart, "When you louse a spouse, you're called a widow, when you lose your parents, you're called an orphan, but when you lose your child, there's no word for that." All I could think was Motherless. Needless to say, I broke down.

I have been REALLY struggling lately. I UNfortunately have it down pat wearing the mask and hiding the pain all too often, but last night there was none of that. I was depressed after this episode and cried myself to sleep as I was home alone and I had thought back to the day Tori died in great detail, how sudden it was, how awful it felt and how unreal it was afterwards. I yelled some things to God, and I'm glad He just listens when we're emotional and understands our emotions, but I was also mad at Him at that moment to be honest. "It's so unfair," I thought! "I want her HERE this Christmas! Please give her back to me! I don't want to feel this pain forever, even if at sporatic times like this! I hate this!" All this just kind of tipped off all my struggling and depression lately. I have withdrawn from several friendships and things I usually participate in, for being tired emotionally and trying. Again, these are all things people can hide well in case this comes as a shock. Yes, I'm human.

I then got up this morning and read Matthew Litchfield's caring bridge page, the little boy we met at RMcD House last fall and who died just 2 weeks ago. It was his mom writing on the 2 week anniversary of his death and it broke my heart. I was right there with her with how unfair she thought it was, the sadness and anger she's feeling and I understood. I DO know that God allowed these two precious children, Tori and Matthew, go home early for a reason, although I don't know why. I will press on and live for Tori because that's the best way to honor her, but I still have weak moments like last night. Thanks for listening.

**I write this for my own journaling purposes, but if you're reading this, you can know that even though someone loses a child, a spouse, a loved one, etc. and "moves on" with life, doesn't mean that they don't still hurt behind the scenes months and even years later. Be sensitive and encourage others like Matthew's mom. www.caringbridge.org/visit/matthewlitchfield

Fall Fun

2008-11-10T19:48:00.006-06:00

This past weekend we went to Dothan, AL, where my husband's family is from (and where I lived for 5 years), and we had a BLAST! We took Savannah to the National Peanut Festival , a yearly tradition and a must for all Dothan residents! It's a huge fair, the biggest and best I've ever attended, and tons of family fun that we pack into one night! I "jokingly" said the only reason I go is for all the yummy food....from roasted corn to "The Corn Dog Man," boiled peanuts, candy apples, elephant ears, cotton candy, and cinnamon rolls (those are all MY Favorites and a yearly must for me, although there is TONS More!!).

This year was the second year that we have taken Savannah, but the first that she was big enough to do some things without an adult. (Last year we missed it for the first time in years because we were in Nashville with Tori) She had a ball and enjoyed riding all the rides for her age group, although mom, dad, Nana Lo and a family friend's little boy (Landon) did ride with her on most of them! She did drive a car all by herself as you will see in the picture below.

Needless to say, we had a good time and enjoyed being with our family and friends. What a blessing it was to be able to enjoy this time of the year with those we love...something I don't take for granted anymore and think about more than ever. I really missed Tori and although I didn't say it out loud to anyone, I sure wished she was there riding with her big sister this year. Those 2 girls would've been a sight! Tori would be 14 months old and Savannah just turned 3 in October. They would have been the best of playmates I'm sure...and even fought well, too. :) Not a day goes by that I don't long to see my girls together. I know the Lord knows what He was doing, but it still tugs at my heart and hurts nonetheless. Enjoy our pictures and God Bless!

Hiding our Junk

2008-11-06T06:41:00.004-06:00

We don't really hide our junk, do we? Oh, that's a big YES! I don't know why we as Christians tend to think sometimes that we are "holier than thou" or that certain faults can be overlooked because we're not living like "them" or it's not "that" bad. God help us. That's what's gotten our country into the mess we're in. When people, especially Christians, start to rationalize and justify sin....from gossip to abortion, there is a problem.

After reading this devotion this morning, I felt that I, too, need a "spiritual inventory." I "hide" or better yet justify certain things when really it is nothing but stinky, filthy sin in God's eyes. I hope that you, too, will examine your heart, mind and motives as she put it, as the Savior would, not an earthly person.

Hiding My Junk

"What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness
of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things.
I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ" Philippians 3:8-9 (NIV)

Devotion:

My husband and I put our house on the market this week. We've been prayerfully considering moving closer to our families, but couldn't settle in our hearts the ideal timing for such a change. God answered our prayers for clarification when we discovered that we are pregnant with our third child. That means three babies, three pregnancies, three varied and growing sets of stretch marks in less than four years. God has been so faithful and gracious. So, we are moving closer to home. Here we grow...

We spent all weekend cleaning our house to get it ready to show it. It's amazing how much more junk I notice when I think about strangers walking through and evaluating our home. It was a full day's work. We cleaned out, threw away and hid an obscene amount of really unnecessary stuff (i.e. junk). I have watched enough HGTV to make this process a little bit easier. I knew ahead of time that less stuff equals more open space. Without the visual interruption of clutter, the eye can take in the full size of the room, the bones and beauty of the space. We all know that buyers appreciate a clean slate. It's easier to see the good stuff without all the junk around. I know this, but in the midst of all the cleaning out, I still questioned if people really care.

Let me be a little more specific. Could a buyer overlook the winter coats and hats dropped in the bottom of my pantry floor? Would they mind the empty video game boxes stacked neatly in the corner? I know they'll look in my junk drawer to see empty medicine bottles, matches, broken sunglasses, playing cards and takeout menus. But doesn't everyone have a junk drawer? Surely, visitors won't mind boxes of the boys' winter clothes clogging up the closet space.

During the process, I couldn't help but wonder if it was time for a spiritual open house. I sense that I've been storing unsightly clutter for far too long. It's a lot of junk really. I think I could make a better use of the space if I'd just let some things go. I'm afraid when people look at my life they see spiritual clutter (i.e. sin). Can they appreciate the bones and beauty of the work of God in my life or does their eye stop on all the junk? Do they see an overcrowded life that squeezes out the space God longs to fill with His peace, presence and holiness? Will they notice good but unnecessary things that fill the void?

Let me be a little more specific. Could someone look past my too-often indulged habit of gossip? Will they really mind the irritability I often display with my husband, and what about the petty jokes made at his expense? I know they will look at me and see gluttony, pride, a love of television and a lack of discipline. But doesn't everyone have stuff they struggle with? Do they wonder about a woman who leads small group, teaches women's conferences and disciples youth, but has a hard time regularly sitting and being still before the Lord?

My personal challenge for the next few days is to look at my life not the way a perfect stranger would, but the way a Perfect Savior would. It's unlikely He will look past the things that I'm far too complacent about. Once I've taken a spiritual inventory I'm not going to just hide the junk. I don't know about you, but that junk always seems to reappear and at the worst possible time. No, I'm going to do my best to let my junk go. Friends, I'm moving closer to my Father. Here I grow...

Dear Lord, I want to live free of the junk of sin. Forgive me and help me make the move to living according to your Word. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

**On another note after the election...God IS still God...even though my candidate of choice didn't win. I was VERY upset about it and even a little afraid of what the world will come to now, but I keep reminding myself that HE is in control, not a man on this earth. And like I said before, if we truly are getting closer to the end times, then I'm ready to go!

God will still be God

2008-11-03T19:47:00.003-06:00

Well, not only is tomorrow my hubby's Birthday (he will be 26 years young!) but it is the day of the greatest talked about election I have seen in my lifetime. My OPINIONS are below:

-I will be voting for John McCain because I know in my heart that the morals he stands for is greater than any personality flaw or various detail that people tend to pick out.

-I fear that McCain will not get the presidency, though, due to recent polls I have seen online, and the so widely talked about support of Obama.

-Deep in my heart I feel that if Obama does get the presidency, we will see a decline in our country and our world...it may be a year or several years, but I have some personal thoughts on this subject that you can privately ask me about if you'd like. I fear to be too brave and make such prophetic claims publicly when I am no one of the sort to do so. Just my opinions.

The FACTS are below:

-Even if Obama gets the presidency, we shouldn't be too discouraged. Hear me out... YES! I fully believe that we should take a stand and vote for what we believe and know to be right, but scripture tells us that one day, evil will eventually corrupt our world, and I feel that more and more scripture is unveiling itself and we are living in more of the end times. EVEN IF Obama becomes the next US president, I have the assurance that even though laws and such may change, the BIBLE, GOD'S WORD, will NEVER change and is stronger than any two edged sword. It can cut through all the corruptness in this world and that gives me the peace about even though the ruler of our country may change, our God NEVER will.

-To be honest, I'm ready to go now if it be His will! To my heavenly home that is. There's much more to do still on this earth, but the worse things get and the closer it seems to this becoming reality sooner than later, I am more and more excited about that sweet day!! (This is not so much a fact except that there is lots to do before we are all called home so let's keep that in mind)

-The final fact is HE will still be our Savior, not our next president. Let us not be too quick to put all of our reliance on a human man, politics, our money or economical status but instead Who is in control of it all.

I struggle daily with keeping my eyes on the big picture and not letting my fleshly desires and mindset get in the way. I fall flat on my face too many times. I do try to stand for what's right and do what I should, though, and I know the Lord knows my heart. He doesn't want my (our) apathy, though. God help us when we begin to give excuses for our and our country's actions instead of doing something about it. I hope you will keep that in mind when you go to vote tomorrow.

Let HIM be at the center of every one of your thoughts and actions...and don't worry, there are four fingers pointing right back at me!!

Prayer Requests

2008-10-30T20:56:00.004-05:00

I'd like to ask you to pray for two families that we came to "know" through the hardest tragedy in our lives.

One is the family of Matthew Litchfield (www.caringbridge.org/visit/matthewlitchfield). Matthew passed away earlier this evening. We were staying at the Ronald McDonald House the same time as them last fall/winter when he was much better than he recently was. His dad says tonight on his caringbridge the same thing that happened with Tori. He said that as they were saying their "goodbyes," Matthew opened his eyes and looked at him as if to acknowledge what he was saying and kept them open for a minute and then closed them as he took his last breath. This, too, was similar to Tori's last moments with us. She opened her eyes while I was laying in bed with with her as if to tell me she knew I was there and layed with them open for a minute, and as heart begin to slow and she closed them again, it was then that I took her out of the bed and held her in my arms when she took her last breath. Reading their blog tonight brought back so many vivid memories. My heart breaks for them because I know the feelings they will be experiencing on this new journey after fighting for and with him for so long. PLEASE keep this family in your prayers.

Another family is the Gill family (www.caringbridge.org/visit/calebgill). His mother was one of Tori's many nurses while we were still here at HH NICU, and they found out a couple of months ago that he had a brain tumor. Some of you may remember that we had special prayer for him at Tori's celebration of Life. I am proud to say that he is well enough to go home for the weekend, until he has to return to Vandy for more treatments next week, and they have been staying at the RMcD House, too, as he has been in and out of the hospital. What I am asking prayer for is that his body will be healed, yes, but also for sweet little Caleb not to be discouraged or down, but that the Lord will encourage his heart and mind and mold him back into the joyous, vibrant 6 year old he was before all this. Debbie's post today gave GREAT news, but it also said that he had not smiled or laughed these past few months. That breaks my heart. No 6 year old should have to feel what he does right now, so please pray that the Lord will restore his joy and allow him to enjoy life as children should be able to. Please continue to pray for his full healing, too.

Thank you all, faithful prayer warriors.

Emotions Running Wild

2008-10-29T20:21:00.003-05:00

The title in itself is enough to make some men not read any further. LOL. Most men anyway (not picking on men, just stating the facts). Feelings and such are not something men, and even some women, care much about expressing, nor are they very good at it.

Going to grief counseling has caused me to FEEL a lot more than I was. I have actually been able to FEEL and to deal with those feelings at the same time and it's working out well for me.

Since working at a pediatrics office part time, the Lord has brought SEVERAL people into my path where I have been able to share Tori's story and my reliance on God. I'm serious; just last week I talked with 3 different strangers about it in the most unexpected ways. I constantly see babies, several have had the name Victoria, and it sometimes strikes a conversation. I have been able to share with them that my faith is the only thing that has gotten me through. WOW. Nothing incredible on my part, just God putting others in my path and using my BAD for His GOOD. He promised me that, and He is fulfilling it over and over in many different ways and for that I am thankful.

I am thankful for those GOOD times, but I still have plenty of the BAD and the UGLY. For instance, tonight was one of the BAD times. For no reason at all, my wondering mind started thinking on various things about Tori and I had an emotional breakdown on my way home. It's been a week or so since I cried, so I was due. :) Reality hits me sometimes and I think about how I will NEVER hold her on this earth again, nor will I kiss her sweet face, or watch her little eyes staring at her red bird on her mobile going round and round.

It just HURTS and getting it out and FEELING it and allowing myself to cry was what I needed to get me past that moment. I also called my mom and she listened as always. We don't talk about Tori everyday, but I know that when I do need to talk about her, my mom is always there willing and ready to listen. There's something about grandchildren that I hope and pray that I get to experience one day. Tori meant so much to all of our family.

I still haven't moved the majority of the things in her room since we brought it all home from the hospital. After 6 months in a hospital, one acquires a lot of stuff. I am hoping to get to this point eventually, and at least take her crib down and put a bed back in for our guests. Although she never slept in her crib at home, it is still symbolic of her and I have the hardest time even thinking about taking it down. I have decided that when I do go through and organize and put away her things, I will leave the paint and her name and pictures on the wall just as it was ready for her. We all still refer to it as "Tori's room." There is a dresser in it that holds some of Savannah's clothes and we will say "Let's go to Tori's room and get your pajamas." She will always have a place in our home, as well as our hearts.

Like I said, there is no apparent reason of WHY I have been feeling this way lately and especially today, other than the fact that as time goes by, things get a little easier....except when it hits, and then it hits HARD. Thanks so much for your continued thoughts, prayers and friendships.

I have also had 3-4 emails lately from people that have found my blog through different avenues. It thrills my heart and encourages my soul to hear them say they found my blog, read about my sweet Tori and just wrote to encourage me. Thank you all, for you know who you are. As time passes, people's lives change and get busy, and they forget about people's situations (just a fact of life) that yet leave others unforgettably changed.

The Lord always sends new encouragers (and even lifelong friends that have been made through this tragedy in my life) just when I need you. This blog, and Tori's caring bridge page, have been the most therapeutic things I could have done. Not only that, but it has touched others in His name, and that's more wonderful. Thanks for listening. Even though I don't blog near as much as I was, I still email friends everyday, so if you ever want to chat, you can email me at savannahsmom@mchsi.com Thanks for staying in touch!

Only 60 days left

2008-10-25T08:46:00.003-05:00

I love this time of year (FALL) and knowing Christmas is right around the corner...only 60 days left til Christmas day to be exact! Some of you may be thinking "Oh, no, is it almost THAT time of year again??" I love it for new and different reasons this year, though.

Last Christmas, we were not able to attend church services around Christmas time because the month of December is when Tori was so sick and we feared to leave her side most of that month. Our church choir (who does a FABULOUS job at everything they put on) did a great musical that we only heard about, and I really missed being able to be there for it. I look forward to Christmas time at church this year and celebrating what Christmas first and foremost means. Our Savior's birth is something I am thankful for more than ever.

We also weren't able to have Christmas decorations, a tree, nothing in our new home. We had moved into our house a few months before Tori was born, so we've never had Christmas here in this home before. At Christmas time last year, I wanted nothing more than to be at home with my two girls celebrating Christmas in our home instead of a hospital room. We made the most of it, though, despite that being Savannah's first Christmas where she really understood everything and I so much wanted to have normalcy for her. I look forward to celebrating with her this year, and giving her the family Christmas' I grew up loving and cherish to this day. A piece of my heart won't be there with us, though, and that's sad to say the least.

The gifts are no longer a main focus for me as I've gotten older and also because of what last Christmas taught me. You don't need gifts to make Christmas special and worthwhile. We learned that on Thanksgiving day last year.

My whole family and I had Thanksgiving dinner outside of a family members home for the first time ever last year. We wanted to get out of the hospital for lunch, but the only place we could find serving Turkey and dressing closeby was...you won't believe it...Hard Rock Cafe. I assure you it was a Thanksgiving dinner like no other. We joked about making it a yearly tradition then, but I think we'll stay closer to home instead. :)

The fact that we were all together was all that mattered. We didn't need the fancy china or elaborate food traditions. When it came Christmas time, we realized having each other was more important than any gift we could give each other. I am reminded of that this year and will hold these lessons near and dear to my heart. I hope you will be reminded of the REASON FOR THE SEASON as well in the days to come.

There are still people just like us, that are where we were last year. I am not quick to forget about them. I think of all the children who will be in the hospital for Christmas this year with life threatening diseases, such as Cancer or complications like Tori had. Please pray for these families even now that their hearts will be comforted around this time of year. Tori had surgery last year and wasn't expected to live past December 12th, but the Lord brought her through that then and gave her a few more months to impact people's lives, most of all mine. So December is still a memorable month for me.

With Fall brings a transition...to the cool weather we are now enjoying, as well as holidays such as Halloween, Thanksgiving and then Christmas. This is by far my favorite time of year, but also a sentimental one as this was when Tori first became so sick and begin to change my life more than ever. It's hard to believe it's been almost a year since we went to vanderbilt (november 17th) and she began to get so sick. A lot of memories come back as I think about it all. It seems like just yesterday for me. I am thankful that the Lord has brought me this far, though, for it has truly been longer than just yesterday.

October 15th (continued)

2008-10-16T18:43:00.004-05:00

I hope you had the chance to visit the website I posted about earlier this morning. It explains what October 15th stands for and that is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day. There are SO many people that I have come in contact with over this past year and a half since first having my miscarriage and then losing Tori, one being Angie Smith, who lost her daughter the month after Tori died.

I read her blog after posting this morning, and thought she had offered a wonderful idea. If you are reading this and have a lost a child of your own, in any way, please leave a comment and share your story with us. Every child that has died had a purpose in this world, even if their life was very short or never even got started outside the womb. It is only fair for us to recognize and honor their precious little lives to make them count for something. Angie invited others to do this, and you can read her blog under Bring the Rain on my side column. I, too, invite you to do it in the form of a comment on this blog. I will share my story first, and hope to hear from you, too. Every person's loss is important and worth sharing.

My name is Melissa Wilhoit. I lost a baby when I was 13 weeks pregnant. On January 23, 2007, my water broke that morning at work. My friend and coworker rushed me to the hospital where I had to have a D&C done. I was almost in my second trimester and was already beginning to show a little bit. It was amazing to read at the time what all had developed and what my baby was doing at only 13 weeks gestation.

In March of that same year, I unexpectedly became pregnant again. This time I became very sick around 24 weeks and did not know it was pre-eclampsia. When I went into the hospital at 28 weeks, they told me I was too sick and would be admitted into the hospital until my baby was born. Tori was born 5 days later which was 3 months early. She weighed 1 lb 9 oz when she was born and over 11 lb when she died on March 8, 2008. She fought for nearly 6 months and then her little body was too weak to fight anymore, and the Lord called her home at 6:55 a.m. on a snowy morning in Nashville, TN at Vanderbilt Children's Hospital.

It was the saddest and most memorable day of my life. I will never forget looking into my sweet child's eyes moments before she died, feeling her warm body in my arms and seeing her breathe when only minutes later, she laid cold in my arms, still, no longer breathing with her eyes closed.

It was the most surreal moment ever and one I will never forget. No mother should ever have to lose an infant child in this way or any other way for that matter. However, we live in a sinful, dying world where the Lord allows things like this to happen in our lives for a reason. I accept that, but it's still hard. I miss her dearly, as well as the other life I never had the privilege of holding, kissing, or seeing, although one day I will. I look forward to that day and am encouraged that she is there if she can't be here with me!

Your story doesn't have to be as detailed or as long, however, make it as personable, with or without as many details as you'd like. I'd love to share this experience with you today. We should stand together and be there for one another. If you haven't ever had the experience of losing a child, thank God and hug your children you do have a little tighter tonight. Our babies would have grown up to be children just like that.

October 15th

2008-10-16T07:45:00.004-05:00

I found a website that has been set up in honor of National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Rememberance Day. You can check it out below. Most people aren't even aware of what this day is, but once you've lost a child by miscarriage, stillborn or infant loss, it means a little more to you to honor that life in any way possible. For us, we tried to honor Tori's life on her first birthday and do something good in her name. This day was set up for things just like that. For all mothers to honor and remember their baby they lost who is now in Heaven is a very good thing to do. Please pray for all the mothers out there today who feel the sorrow and yet rejoice over the fact that one day they will see their baby again.

www.october15th.com

Will post more on this subject tonight...

Political Issues

2008-10-15T21:45:00.005-05:00

I just finished watching the debate. "What is our country coming to," is all I can say? I know with what I am about to say may not be what you personally agree with politically, but since this is MY blog, I thought I'd speak openly. To clear up the question you may be thinking: I don't agree with the moral issues Barack Obama stands for at ALL and will be voting for John McCain in 3 weeks, so now that that's out of the way, let me say what got me thinking about posting this blog.

They both disappointed me tonight when they stayed on the issue of negative campaigning far too long and seemed to bicker about it. I thought, "This is ridiculous!" There were so many other issues to discuss, and it's something that is about to be over in 3 weeks anyway. I hate when it all becomes like a soap opera. I despise politics for this very reason...there is so much bickering, slandering, backstabbing, etc., until it becomes down right disgusting. I can't stand how cut throat it becomes. You can't control what your supporters will say or do, although one should never agree with comments like "Kill Obama," etc. and I think McCain should encourage Americans that things like that are tacky and unneccessary.

Speaking of the election, we have a McCain/Palin sign in our yard, and our neighbor across the street had an Obama sign in hers. The next day after putting hers up, someone stole the sign out of the metal stand. I thought that was ridiculous. I choose to say, "we may disagree, but you have the right to have your opinion and I am not going to be hateful about it and steal your sign, etc."

I thought to myself "that's what ruins our reputations as Christians so many times....we claim to be or live one way with our mouths, and then we turn right around with our actions and do the exact opposite." What do you think doing that said to my neighbor about republicans? She was turned off even more and fairly disgusted with them I'd say. I know I would be upset if someone stole my McCain sign basically saying that you don't have a right to display your opinion!

We must be cautious while having heated debates with others at work, church, etc. We have to say what we believe, but we also have to display Christ by being respectful, loving and even accepting of others who see it differently than we do. One of my very best friends is voting for Obama, and although I jokingly gave her a hard time about it, I did dispute what I believe and why I think what he believes is wrong. We agreed to disagree and I believe that we both were the better for it.

As Christians, I believe that we should stand for what we believe, especially at times like this. Someone said to me recently, "what's the point in voting for McCain? It's all going to happen anyway so we're not going to make a difference in these moral issues by voting for him?" I was enraged inside because that was a BELIEVER asking me this! If that is your mindset, why not just give up now? For God's sake, please don't call yourself a Christian. The day that we say, "well, they're going to do it anyway, so we might as well not stand up for abortion being wrong" is the day we accept murder and mock God's word. The day we say that we aren't going to stand up against homosexuality and fight to keep this a country of mommy's and daddy's vs. 2 mommy's or daddy's for our children to learn about and accept is the day we accept filth for our children's minds and mock God's words again.

No, my one vote may not change the fate of the country, but standing for what I believe matters to me and I can assure you it matters to the most important person of all, and that is our Savior, Jesus Christ. I already am going to stand before Him so unworthy, ashamed of all I didn't do while I had the chance to live for Him....but I need to be striving and standing for what's right and I believe that is even in the form of voting according to what His word would have me to stand for. So seek what the Lord would have you do on this issue. Any comments are welcome. However, I forewarn you that I am not kept abreast on every single issue with these candidates, but the major issues I am familiar with. I do stand for what I believe in and I think that is the bottom line.

Brutal Honesty with God

2008-10-08T06:26:00.004-05:00

Here is yet another devotional from Crosswalk that hit real close to home today. I LOVE seeing how God puts things in my path when I need them. If you read my blog last night, you will see how I need to be doing more of this...respectfully and humbly...but be very honest and open with God, instead of suppressing how I feel. I've shared this before but someone once told me throughout all this, "God is a big God, and He can take all your fears, disappointments, anger, etc." Why we think we can't tell Him something when He already knows every inner part of our being is beyond me?! Go have a nice, long talk with God after reading this...

October 8, 2008

Gut-Honest Prayers
Rachel Olsen

"The LORD has heard my cry for mercy; the LORD accepts my prayer."

Psalm 6:9 (NIV)

Devotion:

Have you ever grown frustrated with God over situations in your life? Have you gone to Him and poured out those feelings in prayer?

If so, you'll be able to relate to the prophet Habakkuk, who lived roughly 600 years before Christ. His book of the Bible begins with this complaint: "How long, O Lord, must I call for help, but you do not listen? Or cry out to you, "Violence!" but you do not save me. Why do you make me look at injustice? Why do you tolerate wrong?" (Hab.1:2-3, NIV).

God answered Habakkuk by telling him to be patient and to watch, that He will do amazing things and usher in justice -- but only in His timing.

Passionate, honest, gut-level prayers have been recorded through out the Bible. Habakkuk wasn't the only one to complain. Moses, Gideon, and Elijah all questioned God. Job even cursed the day God made him and said, "I loathe my very life; therefore I will give free rein to my complaint and speak out in the bitterness of my soul." (Job 10:1, NIV).

In his anguish, Job accused God of afflicting people for no reason (Job 9:17), overwhelming them with misery (Job 9:18), and not caring about injustice (Job 9:22, 24). Job even wondered if maybe God was laughing at the pain of the innocent (Job 9:22). None of these accusations are accurate -- far from it -- but we can sometimes feel that way in times of severe suffering or testing. God knows our deepest thoughts and feelings, so it's futile to think we can hide them from Him. Better to come clean with how we really feel, get it off our chest in prayer, and hopefully clear the way to hear and receive God's reply or comfort.

I've complained to God in the past for allowing my loved ones to die or fall deep into sin, for allowing valuable things to be stolen from me, for allowing my reputation to be unfairly tarnished, for allowing physical suffering in my body, or for not allowing what I felt I deserved. My goal is to be a woman of faith who can take such things in stride with Him. But when I'm losing that stride, I've found the best thing I can do is honestly take these feelings to God where they can be traded for His perspective and His comforting assurance.

Though God does not always change my circumstances the way I want Him to, He can and does change my perspective on those circumstances -- enabling me to endure them.

God listens when we complain about injustice. He understands when we feel shortchanged or opposed. Read through the gospel accounts of Jesus' life and you'll be reminded of just how much Jesus can relate to undeserved opposition!

Be honest before God in prayer today. While maintaining a holy respect for Him and thanksgiving for His saving grace, pour out the good, the bad and the ugly of your feelings. As Habakkuk, Job and others discovered, God can handle our intense emotions and questions. He may not explains Himself fully to us -- perhaps because we can't fully understand -- but He will flood us with His love when we come humbly and honestly before Him and pour out our heart.

Dear Lord, it is often hard for me to deal graciously with the difficult situations in my life. Help me to see them through Your eyes. Help me to endure, with grace, all that You allow into my life. Fill me with Your peace and love today. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Grief Counseling

2008-10-07T21:18:00.003-05:00

So as my readers know by now, I am a pretty honest and open person about my feelings and thoughts and am therefore not ashamed to tell you the following. I have been going to grief/individual counseling for a few months now. After losing Tori, I at first dealt with it all pretty well I thought. But I realized I was supressing a lot of my feelings and it wasn't doing me much good. It was affecting some relationships and not allowing me to deal with some things head on as I should be.

I feel like so many times I appear to have it all together on the outside, mostly because I have been much like a presidential candidate's family (I'm watching the debate as I type this, so it seemed like an appropriate parallel in my mind), where likewise the spotlight is often times on the pastor and his family, putting all of their actions under a microscope to be scrutinized by others. I am used to it and expect it by now, to the point where I don't even think about it much anymore, but nevertheless it is something I conform to unfortunately too many times. Now that I am married and have my own family, it is not so much of an issue, but at times it still is. I have thought about this fact again during counseling.

I feel that I have to be the strong person and not a weak victim, so I have in turn supressed some of my feelings. Now don't get me wrong, I have found ENORMOUS strength in HIM (that is the ONLY way I have been able to go on a single day) but I have often times tried to put on a mask (yes, I'm admitting it) and smile through the pain underneath that mask.

I am human and I suffered something very traumatic...I lost a child, my daughter, who had her own little personality and makeup. She was a unique individual and she was a real person. She was not a fetus or a "pregnancy that was just not meant to be" as someone once told me after my miscarriage (yes, it's true). God brought that sweet baby girl into my life and I have felt the raw, real pain of having this loved one in my life one day, and gone the next. Any of you who have lost a loved one understand that pain.

I give God all the credit for any strength and supernatural peace I have shown and exhibited throughout this phase in my life. It is ONLY through Him (I cannot imagine how unbelievers get through something like this) that I have been able to get up everyday and not either A) want to end my life or B) not get up everyday and carry on with life. It would be so easy to give into the depression I have so much battled all my life. There is no doubt that God has been at work in my life and been my words, my thoughts and my actions when I had no strength to do so. I have said it before, and it was not just words, that there was NO way this was anything of MY doing- it is only through knowing Him as my personal Savior and Him carrying me (much like the infamous footprints poem).

The part I am referring to that we have been discussing in counseling is where I have tried to be strong ALL the time and not allow myself to feel this on a private level. I have discussed it in public, and more recently, much more comfortably. Likewise, I have tried to be strong for Josh. He was my rock the first 3 months, and since then, I have tried to be his. Being the strong superwoman I have attempted to be is not working on a private, personal level, though. I accept my human thoughts, pain and grief that even our heavenly Father felt when his Son died.

By the way, this IS Christian counseling. My counselor and I have discussed more open and intimate blogging as a type of "therapy" for me. I have expressed to her my love for writing in general, and she has encouraged me to be more open and honest in my blogging rather than holding back to simply appear strong when really I feel very weak. Like I said, I HAVE done this to an extent, but there has been an absence of blogging as well when I was feeling some of this. SO...I am taking her advice and doing my "homework" and blogging more often and more openly. Your unbiased thoughts (until you've gone through something like this) and prayers are greatly coveted as I continue to deal with and get through the hardest thing I have ever experienced and possibly ever will. This is where I can freely and openly express my thoughts, fears and/or anxieties...and this blogspot page is just that, mine.

Thank you for being understanding, loving and accepting. This loss is definitely not something you GET OVER. It is something that gets EASIER with time, but never truly get over. With prayer, being in God's word, counseling and even medication (yes, medication), I know this is something I can fully get through and live a victorious life on the other side of it all. I already experience much of the sovereign power God is pouring throughout my life...His Hand is so evident at work around me.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

2008-10-06T19:56:00.007-05:00

***I truly hope Sonya doesn't mind me posting her email, but I wanted you all to see for yourself what joy and encouragement your gifts gave to parents in the NICU. It is NOTHING that we have done (I give this disclaimer anytime there is any credit given to Josh and I) but only made possible by HIM and in this case, using people like you and me. Thank you for being willing to give of your time, money and resources! I mean that from the bottom of my heart.

I think another neat thing Sonya said is at the end...that she hopes to be able to give to others, too, one day because of how someone gave to her. That's what "being the church" and ultimately a Christ follower is all about....showing HIS LOVE to others while we are temporarily here on this place called earth...and He has shown me how He equips us to do just that....He puts circumstances, situations and just the right people in our lives to give us the opportunity to shine His light and give Him the glory He so rightfully deserves.

Please pray for this little Tori...that God will continue to heal and strengthen her body as she does face many challenges ahead of her in years to come and also for her parents. Did I happen to say "thank you"?!***

Thank you to all of you who gave gifts to the HH NICU in Tori's memory. After taking it all and giving our contact information to the parents, we have received this email. "Ironically," one of the many babies we left a bag for was named Victoria, "Tori." I received an email from her mother and wanted to share it with you all so you could see first hand of what a blessing your gifts were. We couldn't have been a blessing without your thoughtfulness and generosity!! I have more items I am taking tomorrow and
am very excited to be able to do so again.

"Wilhoit family, Hi my name is Sonya Hamlin. I want to thank you for having such an amazing heart. Your kindness has touched so many people, I know it has deeply touched me, and I am a complete stranger.

I came one night to do my nightly vigil at my daughters bedside in the NICU at Hunstville Hospital and I saw a gift bag at the bedside. I sat down opened the card and my eyes filled up with tears. Tori's story is so touching. I felt so blessed that you shared her story and gift with a complete stranger. I looked into my daughter's isolette and she was sleeping so soundly and I felt such peace. Ironically my daughter's name is Victoria Lowe Hamlin and we also call her Tori. Tori was born at 34 weeks with her twin brother Alex on Aug 23, 2008. Alex was a healthy 4 lbs 12 oz.
Tori weighed in at 2 lbs 10 0z. From the beginning of my pregnancy Tori was given a 0 % chance to survive the 1st trimester due to her size. My husband Scott and I prayed the doctors were wrong. Tori did hang in there to prove the doctors wrong. We never could find the reason she was so small until she arrived. Tori was born with a rare syndrome called VATERs. She was born with multiple anomalies. Including a TE fistula which means the bottom part of her esophagus was attached to her trachea and the top part was not connected to anything. On her second day of life she underwent surgery to repair the fistula, under the care of God they were able to successfully complete the repair which they thought they would not be able to do. She herself was on weeks of TPN until she was finally able to swallow. She is missing her right radial arm bone and the ulna bone is severely curved, the left radial bone is shorter than the left ulna bone. She also has a tethered spinal cord. She faces may struggles ahead of her. Tori is small but mighty, she is a true gift from God.She is 6 weeks old now. We were able to bring her home from the hospital last week.

I visited your website and I can't believe how strong you and your family are. I draw so much inspiration from you and your family. You are an amazing mother. I just want you to know that I deeply appreciate your kindness. Please thank all of your friends and family for all the generosity. I hope to pass on your love and gift of giving back. God Bless You.

I truly believe your Tori is watching over my Tori from heaven.

Love
Sonya,Scott,Will,Alex,and Tori Hamlin"

Happy Birthday, Savannah!

2008-10-05T13:22:00.006-05:00

My baby girl turned three years old yesterday (Saturday, October 4th). She had a "Princess Party at the Park" and all of her friends and her dressed up as princesses and had a fun day playing at the park! All I had heard was that she wanted a cake and to blow out her candles at the park, to dress up as a princess and twirl like a ballerina with Alaina and that she wanted a baby doll, Blues Clues toothbrush and gum for presents. My, how I wish the requests would be this simple all her life! :)

So, we did as she wanted, and she had a wonderful party with lots more presents than the few she requested (although she did get the things she asked for!) and she had a wonderful time. I am posting some pictures to show you of her special day.

I must admit it was sad to think of my sweet Tori not being there...to think that she would've just had her first birthday two weeks prior, and then Savannah would be turning three, and my girls would hopefully be the best of friends and playmates on this special day! I missed her immensely at the party yesterday.

Last night after her party I was watching some of the video, and saw a video of Tori and I the week before she died. We had not videoed very much all her short life, but instead took tons of pictures. I cannot put into words how precious and bittersweet it was to see her on video for the first time since she died, to see her hands moving, her eyes wide open looking around and responding to me talking to and laying in the bed with her. I know God gave us that special day together because that is all I have of a "real life picture" of her body moving and still being here with us. I will try to transfer it to my computer and show it to you all, it is SO incredibly sweet.

When I think of how Savannah came into this world 3 years ago, I truly took for granted then (as most people do until they've experienced what we have) the normalcy of her birth, with no complications, being able to bring her home 2 days later with me, and enjoying her first few months of life in the comfort of our own home and not a hospital. When she was born on Tuesday, October 4th, 2005 at 5:23 p.m., my life was forever changed. I am no longer the person I was before that precious baby came into my life. I now see how through every experience in our lives, God uses them to mold us and make us into the person that He has called us to be.

After having Savannah, I planned on having more children in the same way I did Savannah, with no complications and was ready for more because I had such an easy delivery and was encouraged by that. However, God had something different in mind. I am now truly thankful, and definitely don't take for granted, the health of my child and the three years I have had with her so far on this earth. I hope and pray that the Lord gives us many more years together, that I see her have children of her own (unless He chooses to come back first and I will be perfectly okay with that)! :)

Pictures from Tori's Celebration of Life -- Part 2

2008-09-28T18:45:00.017-05:00

***The captions are above describing the picture below.***

This was hanging on my hospital door a year ago to the day as we reused it at the celebration of her life party.

Josh said he remembered writing this on it just like it was yesterday....my, how time flies.

We had a book at the entrance that people wrote sweet and encouraging messages in to Josh and I. We will cherish this book and it's words for years to come.

Chatting with some of our guests.

Amy George blogged about how we just cried and hugged when we saw each other, and this is a picture that Emily, my friend and photograpger, got of that sweet moment. Amy and I had only corresponded through email and mail before this day, so it was a real joy to finally meet such a kindred spirit through the most difficult thing in my life. She has been an inspiration and encouragement to me through what she's done through her own daughter's life, Melissa, and how she has kept her memory alive since. Doing something good in our precious babies name is a wonderful way to help others, yes, but to also help us heal as we grieve for them.

I was fortunate to meet a few other people this day whom I had never met in person, either. They had followed Tori's story on caringbridge for several months, and we had emailed and "met" that way, but when they gave of their time and resources to come this day to encourage a stranger, a sister whom they had never met, it was awesome. Thank you for you few who did this, you know who you are.

The kids were enjoying watching baby Tori on the TV! Cayden is pointing at her in excitement.

Stuffing my face for the first time all day! and chatting my special friends who have walked this road before us...Dave and Gracie and their little boy, Ronald, whom they have adopted since being in our shoes. They are currently trying to adopt another little girl, too. I think it's awesome to do that and give of yourself in this capacity. You are giving another human being a chance at a better life and loving them like they're your own, never thinking for a moment that they're not. I think adoption is pretty amazing...

By the way, if you have followed my blogging for any time at all, you will recall me meeting Gracie while standing in line for a consignment sale in Huntsville before Tori died. She walked up to me, a complete stranger, and asked, "Are you Tori's mom?" She had been given our website and recognized me that day. What a wonderful way God brought us together. They lost a baby at 9 weeks old due to similar circumstances, and it has been encouraging to know her since we met. She came to Tori's visitation and funeral and was a real blessing and encouragement to me. God has defnitely put Tori in other people's lives for a reason, and then other people in our lives as well. I love to look back on how God orchestrates things and does things without us ever knowing what's going to happen! I never knew standing in line one cold, early morning that I would find a lifelong friend.

Such a faker!

Ellie is the first baby girl that Josh has held since Tori. She came right to him and as it was for me the first time I held a baby again, I think it was really good for him.

Cutting and serving Tori's cake

As people came and went, they had an opportunity to watch Tori's video (below).

More mingling and chatting with special friends! Lori is due right near Tori's due date, please pray for her for a safe delivery.

(Hershey's) Hugs and Kisses from Tori for children that attended!

My dad gave Ellie a rose and she was being a "flower girl" by shaking petals everywhere. It was cute!

Pictures from Tori's Celebration of Life -- Part 1

2008-09-28T07:49:00.017-05:00

Our "theme" was "Tori was a precious gift from God." Her cake was in the shape of a gift and it was her signature color, pink. There was a small wooden cross beside it that said "Every good and perfect gift is from above." She was truly a good gift in our lives, and her body is now perfect in Heaven. I thought this "theme" was only appropriate because we were asking others to bring "gifts" to the NICU as well. It all worked well together.

Our beautiful display of refreshments we had. I had the best friends as volunteers that helped me so much this day!

All of my family members present and I released butterflies together on the back deck. Everyone gathered around us as my friend, Stephanie, shared about how a butterfly symbolizes how a mother has lost her child and is willing to let it go. I had first heard this from another friend of mine, Deborah, and after looking online, I found some beautiful quotes about it. Read two posts on Amy George's blog about the butterflies that day. She puts it into words well. It was beautiful and sentimental to say the least.

Deanna knitted some hats small enough to fit on 1 pound babies! Tori received and wore several of these when she was in the unit. What a blessing all of these past and present knitters are!

My brother, Micah, watching Tori's video that we had playing (that you can watch below as well.) It was special and heartbreaking to look back on where she was, where she had come to and what our prayers and thoughts were at that point. It was made a week before she died.

This was sent to the funeral home for Tori and I have kept it on a table in my den because it gives me such comfort that my baby is truly now an angel in the hands of God! She is there with the greatest Protector and Healer of them all! Just think about it....

Savannah loves her "big girl friend," Abby.

This is me and ellie...the little girl of my friend, Stephanie, who helped me put this special day together and make it such a success. Stephanie and I were originally due a month apart, and then Tori was born 4 months before Ellie was. It was VERY difficult for me to be around babies in the beginning, and now it is still hard to be around newborn and smaller babies because in my mind, that's what Tori was when she died. But I can tell that I am healing and growing because I love holding and loving on Ellie! She is precious.

Stephanie and I with all of our girls! What a special day it was for us all!

The BIG Sister! Savannah was so funny and got me in a bind...she asked was Tori going to be there that day and blow out her candles...I said "No, baby, remember she is in Heaven with Jesus?!" She thought a minute and said, "well, is Jesus going to be there??" Oh my goodness, how do I explain this to a two year old!! :) It was cute. She did, however, tell someone that "Jesus isn't going to be there." Oh my.

Will display part 2 later. Got to get ready for church. Have a wonderful Lord's day!!

Week of Blessings

2008-09-26T19:52:00.003-05:00

This has been a good week. Considering where I was only a year ago at this time, we have come through a lot and are still coming through a lot, but we are at least getting somewhere I do believe.

After posting pictures of what all we received at Tori's Celebration and letting you know that we would be going that next day to deliver them, a lot has happened. We did go that next morning and met our nurse and friend, Amanda, there at the hospital and loaded all of our stuff onto a cart and wheeled it up to the unit. When the doors opened, it was sudden, but there we were, back in this place that I had come to know so well. Where I had spent hours and hours at, literally.

We saw several of the nurses and one of Tori's doctors, all of whom we recognized and they recognized us...when you're there as long as we were, you kind of have to get to know people! :) In a way, I felt like I had never left because as Josh and I walked around the unit, we immediately thought and told Amanda that all the beeps, alarms, smells, sights, etc. made us feel like we had never left. All at once, time seemed to stand still. Six months since we'd been in this type of atmosphere...it's hard to believe it's been that long when honestly, I always think it's just been a couple of months.

As we walked around, we had the chance to see and talk with several parents. I was afraid I would become too emotional, and didn't want to discourage any parents by saying, "Hi, I'm here because my daughter died." I wanted them to have hope, to know that their daughter or son DOES have a chance. I simply told them that we were there doing this because we have been where they are, walked in their shoes, and felt what they feel during this emotional roller coaster. Amanda was very good at helping me get out at times; I didn't really realize just how difficult it may be emotionally at times. It was healing for me, though, I truly believe.

We saw babies that were the same exact size as Tori was...one was 1 lb, 6 oz, almost exactly what she was when she was born. Although she had changed so much by the time she died, I could still see her face on that baby laying there, so tiny and petite. He had a long, narrow face with a tiny feeding tube out of his mouth...just like Tori did for so long in the beginning.

We saw another baby in the EXACT spot where Tori FIRST was in the unit, and I am not exaggerating, it looked JUST like her. It was a little girl that was very swollen just like Tori was when she got real sick and I literally had to do a double take. I could NOT take my eyes off of her. There are SO many different bed spaces in the unit, and she was in the exact one that Tori was first in when she was still in the Giraffe Omnibed!! It was weird, but sentimental to me.

The first mom that we talked to had a baby boy in the EXACT spot she was in her last few weeks there. I remembered sitting right where this mom was standing when they didn't give me much hope for my baby girl, and that is when we decided to do the transfer to Vanderbilt. That spot was where the Flight nurses and EMT came in and loaded my baby up. That was her last night at HH NICU. I truly, truly remembered it all like it was yesterday. It was very surreal.

It could have been very difficult, but I made it into a positive thing in my mind. It made me want to do more, somehow, in some way. I so badly wanted those families to know how much I cared about them, how bad I wanted to reach out and hug them and cry with them. For the sake of not looking crazy, I didn't yell out what I was thinking deep inside! I wanted to tell them so much, to encourage their hearts. I hope we were able to do just that in some small way. We gave each parent that was there a bag, with a note inside of Tori's story and how they could contact us if they would like. I told them what all of YOU had done by raising these items just for them. These parents were blown away and so thankful that a complete stranger (and many unseen others) would give of their time, money and resources to give to them and their precious baby. So again, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Sorry, just hold on through this post, it's going to be a lengthy one I can tell. I haven't filled you in all week, so I have a lot to tell...bear with me.

That day as we were getting in the car, Josh asked me a question we have asked ourselves several times, and that was, "So when are we going to hear something from Vanderbilt?!" Being there got us both to thinking about everything in the world I'm sure, and that was still a question on the top of our list we've had unanswered, and that is, what was Tori's diagnosis??

If you followed Tori's story for any time at all, you will recall her being so incredibly premature in the beginning, 712 grams to be exact. She was so small that she could not tolerate her feedings. I remember them telling us countless times that her body is not truly ready to be doing this just yet, so we are trying to force and train it to do something that it's just not ready for yet.

She just never could tolerate it. Every time we would try to increase how much feeds she was getting, she would vomit and have different issues. Needless to say, she was on TPN more than she was feeds. We tried everything, from breast milk to several special formulas, everything. Nothing worked. We wondered why she had so many feeding issues, and really, this was her only issue until we transferred to Vanderbilt and that is when she got real sick.

Back to our unanswered question, we were still waiting on Tori's autopsy results. We had it made up in our mind, because of all the unexplained things to so many physicians and specialists, that this was some type of metabolic or genetic issue. We had done several tests before she died, and everything had come back negative. They tested for everything they could possibly think to test for. If she matched a similarity in the smallest way, they tested for it. Well, they did the same thing after she died. They did extensive and thorough tissue sample testings which is what has taken so long. They tested for other genetic or possible causes and that's what we've been waiting to hear about.

Well, I say this has been a week of blessings because first of all Tori's party was a blessing to me. It was a blessing to see all of the people come and do something good in her name and in her memory. Then Sunday, we had a WONDERFUL time of praise and worship at Church. We did the musical, "Thank You, Lord," by Don Moen and it was powerful for me. I enjoyed it immensely and felt like I was at the throne of Jesus Himself, right with my daughter, praising Him together. Then Tuesday, we were able to go back into the NICU, a hard, but wonderful thing we got to do. I was so blessed just to be there and be a blessing! I would do that all the time if I had the money and the time. I love to give! Anyway, that afternoon was also a blessing in disguise.

I got a call that afternoon, out of all afternoons, from Vanderbilt, and it was Tori's main attending physician wanting to give us the results of her autopsy. I was shocked. We had waited for months, and now, out of all days and weeks, it was today. I somewhat dreaded it to be honest, because I expected to hear the worst. He proceeded to tell me that it was NOTHING genetic. Did you hear me? Nothing. Everything they had tested for, both before and after, had come back negative. There was absolutely nothing else they could think to test for he said. He said all of her problems were linked from extreme prematurity. Let me explain.

I already told you above how she never could tolerate feeds. She never could get off the TPN. The report he sent me which I got today says that some infants experience liver damage as early as 15 days of being on the TPN. When I used to ask you all to pray for her to get off the TPN because time was not on her side, this was why. It said liver failure can actually occur in infants within just a few months of being on TPN for sole nutritional purposes. Her little liver was just not strong enough to take so much TPN. She needed it to keep her alive, but to be on it that long, it is not good for you. Because she was so premature, it was even worse and was like we never could counteract the damage it had already done.

Her cause of death was cirrhosis of the liver. Her liver weighed 354 grams when she died, which was half of what her whole body weighed when she was born. Because it affected her liver so badly, it in turn affected her spleen, which weighed 205 grams at death. This is why her stomach was so big. Her heart, bowels and everything else looked fine for the most part, except that they had fluid buildup and were a little inflamed because of all the bile backup in the liver. Her liver had affected everything else and was the main issue.

There are several other notes in the autopsy, but that's the gyst of it. After hearing this, Josh and I both were shocked. We expected, and even wanted, a firm diagnosis. We wanted a "REASON" of why this happened. We needed closure, it seemed, from these results. Instead, we were left with, "well, nothing genetic was wrong after all, no storage disorder or anything that we suspected. Instead, it was just her extreme prematurity and inability to be off the TPN which affected her liver and then it was too bad until it was irreversible and affected everything else." WOW.

After having some time to digest it, I felt like a heavy burden was lifted off of me. The doctor told me that this was hopefully "the silver lining in the midst of everything dark." I thought, you know, he's right. This means that nothing is wrong with Josh and I, praise God, and that if we chose to, we could have more children. I am too weary at this point to go there, because of how sick I was, and need some more facts about my health before I would even venture in that direction again, but it was just good to know that we could, if we wanted to. What a blessing.

It was then that I told Josh in so many words, "I know it could be easy to be mad at God for this, since it wasn't a disease or some type of disorder like we suspected, and wonder if we could have done something different, helped her in some way, but we couldn't have. God knew her EXACT number of days on this earth. He knew exactly what was going on with her body. He knew that nothing was genetically wrong, but none of these doctors did. He knew her purpose and everything that would take place during her journey. We saw firsthand all of the technology they have available, all of the wisdom these doctors have, and we expected and trusted they would "fix" our daughter in some way. The reality is, she was under 2 pounds, and although many babies have made it, it is still VERY hard for a baby with so many of the odds against them at 712 grams. (I had complete faith that God could have healed her, there was never a doubt in my mind. I'm just talking about the logic of when a baby is born that small and the prognosis they possibly give.) With her having strong lungs, no brain bleeds and looking healthy at birth other than her size, we expected and hoped for the best. Just as we should have as her parents. However, it was not what happened, and it's a blessing to know that I can still have children. That not one in four of my children may have something wrong with them." We talked about a lot of other things, but that was the highlight of it.

I called a few friends and family members to tell them the "good news," to know nothing was really "wrong," and while telling one friend, she brought to my attention, which I had not thought of at the time yet: "What a blessing to get this phone call TODAY, out of all days, out of all the months of waiting; the day you go to the NICU and do something for someone else; being a blessing to others." It hit me, that yes, when we are faithful, He shines His favor and blessings on our lives.

Now that statement is NOT to draw attention to myself or my actions, it is simply to testify to what God can do when and if we are willing to serve Him with what He gives us. I never, ever, ever expected to have a baby in the NICU and months later trying to encourage others who are now at where I've been, but I've tried to take what He's given me, and do what I think I should with it. I am NOT perfect, I WILL mess up, but I give HIM all the glory for any of the good that does come out of my life. Isn't that what we're here for...to love others as He's loved us, and bring others to Him as well?? I need to do a better job at it, but Lord willing, He will give me many more years to serve Him and attempt to do a better job at it everyday. The statement has never meant more to me before than it has this week..."Blessed and Highly favored."

Tori's Celebration

2008-09-22T21:36:00.007-05:00

We had a wonderful time Saturday. Our friend photographed the event and I will post some pictures as I receive them. Several people that couldn't attend have asked how it went, so I am more than happy to report that we raised A LOT of items for the Huntsville Hospital NICU and will be delivering those tomorrow to the families currently there. They have about 50 babies there right now, so I plan to have something for everyone! It wouldn't have been possible without your support, generosity and concern for our family. So many have asked, "What can we do for you?" and this was a great thing to have been apart of, so for that I say THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart.

Someone had previously asked why were we doing this, and I told someone else on Saturday that it would have been real easy for me to sit at home on what would have been Tori's first birthday and sulk, be depressed and cry all day...doing nothing good for someone else. Instead, I took the opportunity to honor her in the best way I could think of and be a blessing to someone else that is now in the same shoes I was in a year ago (to the week exactly). It was this week after her birth that I had no idea what was going to happen, why this had happened or what to expect. I had no idea that the NICU even existed before Tori's birth.

I have not been inside the NICU here at Huntsville since the night we transferred to Vanderbilt, so I know it will be really hard to do so tomorrow. If you read this before 11:00 a.m. on Tuesday, please say a special prayer for us that He will be our strength, that these gits of love will be an encouragement to these families, and most of all, plant a seed of God's love and what He has done in our lives, even through a tragedy.

I will know how these parents feel when I go in there tomorrow. I will see their faces as they "love through the glass" and understand how their hearts ache. I will know the desperation they have that their precious baby will be okay. I will pray silently, and out loud if possible, for and with these families. We will be there during their "care times," when the parents are allowed to change their diapers, take their temperature and sometimes bathe, dress or hold them. I hope that you will join me in praying for each person that will be receiving a gift tomorrow, and that they may even find Jesus through this if they don't already know Him, because I have a little card in each bag encouraging them to know Him and the love and providence He gives.

Again, this is not anything of me, I place myself to the side, simply being a willing vessel for Him. I have asked God to take this tragedy in my life, this painful, raw wound in my heart and to heal it and use it to glorify Him in some way, shape or form. I believe that tomorrow can be one of those ways to do so. I feel privileged and honored to even be able to do so. Again, this wouldn't be possible without your gifts of love. Thank You.

One last thing, we did a beautiful thing on Saturday which I wanted to share, and that was all of the members of my family present released one butterfly each. My friend shared that a butterfly symbolizes a mother who has lost her child and is willing to let it go. I thought it was beautiful and sentimental to see all of the butterflies flying peacefully, freely and without pain or entrapment. I envision Tori doing and being all of those things in Heaven...she is no longer confined to a hospital bed, unable to move, in pain or crying restlessly. She is with her Heavenly Father, dancing in His presence, singing praises to His name!

We had a musical at church on Sunday, and it was so powerful for me. Almost every song spoke to me in some way about what all I am feeling at this point in my life with Tori's death. When I saw the small girls dancing as we sang a song about praising Jesus, I couldn't help but think, "My Tori is in Heaven, dancing in Jesus' presence today just like those little girls. She is a beautiful angel, more beautiful than anything we've ever seen. She is praising Jesus right along with me!" How awesome and comforting.

"Angelversarys"

2008-09-17T21:36:00.003-05:00

I was looking online at some things that are special to do on the anniversary of your baby's birthday or death. I found something that a mother calls her "angelversary;" the "first anniversaries" for her "angel" that she lost (her baby). She also talks about why all the "firsts" are especially painful. It was encouraging to me because it put into words how I felt. I'm sure it doesn't affect everyone that way, though. Either way, you can click the link below if you would like to read her story; it is sweet.

http://shivere.wordpress.com/2008/08/11/pregnancy-loss-traditions-remembering-angelversaries/

What I was looking for was a quote that I had seen once before about butterflies. We plan to release butterflies at Tori's celebration on Saturday, because I have read that the butterfly symbolizes a mother who has lost her child. Ever since Tori's death and reading that quote, I have collected butterfly things. Angel things, too, but a lot of different butterfly things. Anyway, my good friend has found some butterflies to release, and although I hadn't planned on sharing it before hand, I found this tonight and thought it was special and had to share it. The lady I mentioned above talks about and has pictures of when their family released butterflies in their son's memory. It is neat. Check it out below.

http://shivere.wordpress.com/2008/08/27/memory-garden-butterfly-release-for-an-angel/

There was also a picture for her business and it is a baby in clouds. It may sound weird, but it was neat to see and think about Tori being in the clouds....in the most wonderful, safe, beautiful, lovely place I can imagine....and yet not even fathom, and that is Heaven. Oh, how I cannot wait to see her!!

http://shivere.files.wordpress.com/2008/02/logo-w.jpg

You're Invited...

2008-09-15T20:30:00.003-05:00

To a celebration to help us celebrate our sweet baby girl's 6 months of life with us here on this earth. The anniversary of her first birthday is this Saturday, September 20th, and we are hosting this event that afternoon and want to invite everyone that prayed for and followed Tori and our family during such a long journey.

All of my readers were very much a part of encouraging our family and so many felt like you knew Tori and myself through my daily posts. We would love nothing more than to meet you in person if we have never been given the opportunity, or see you again if we have, on this special day. It will be a difficult one, and bittersweet indeed, but special to celebrate her ever being with us...if even for a short time. It has already been a rough past few days, but I believe that doing this for Tori can help us honor her in a special way and help me feel better and more at peace with her going to heaven a lot earlier than I had wanted.

What we are asking is that everyone bring baby blankets and newborn/preemie outfits to give to the Huntsville Hospital NICU. This is where Tori was born and cared for the first few months of life and we would like to give back to them and help and encourage other families in the situation that we were in when she was born a year ago.

We recently helped raise money for the Swim for Melissa fundraiser, which we raised nearly $15oo in Tori's name to help buy equipment for premature babies and give them a better chance at life. We are also asking that you bring any loose change you have laying around and we will be "collecting change to help change a baby's life." We will be donating any change given to the Huntsville Hospital NICU as well.

Feel free to bring your children; there is a playground outside that your children can play on while you visit inside and stop by to visit with our family. We will have several special and memorable things for you to participate in and would love nothing more than for you all to help make this day special and uplifting for me and my family.

It would be VERY easy, more than you know, for this to simply be a sorrowful day and me do nothing to help her memory live on. However, I want very much to help her memory be beneficial to someone else. I have prayed several times for the Lord to use me, and us, in some way to minister and be His light to someone else in Tori's memory.

Her life was not in vain, the Lord knew her number of days on this earth, just as He knows yours and mine. I want to celebrate every single day that she was here...even when they weren't always good ones. She was important, special, a miracle and most importantly, a gift from God. That will be our theme for her celebration....that "every good and perfect gift is from above." I fully believe that, am thankful for that and want to do everything I can to honor that gift that was in my life...for 6 sweet months.

Please RSVP if you will be able to come or would like directions to where it will be held. We will be having refreshments and need to have a count of how many will be able to come. Thank you in advance for your support to the HH NICU in Tori's name.

Bittersweet Memories

2008-09-13T18:05:00.007-05:00

***WARNING! This is a very long post. Just thought I would prepare you. It was more for my journaling and coping purposes more than anything else. I am glad to share it with you all, too, though. Thanks for taking the time to read it.***

One year ago from Monday, on Saturday, September 15th, Josh and I were in a marriage conference all day at our church. I was almost 28 weeks pregnant and thought I was beginning to experience more severe pregnancy symptoms (that I didn't think much of because it happened later in my pregnancy with Savannah as well). It turns out that the increasing pain that I thought was severe heartburn, was not indigestion at all. We know now that the pain I was experiencing was my liver- my liver enzymes were severely elevated, my platelet count was plummeting dangerously low and my blood pressure was extremely high.

The couples that went to lunch with us that day could tell you how sick I was- I knew something was wrong- my stomach hurt so bad that I couldn't sit still the whole conference. I squirmed and wiggled because I was hurting SO bad, but wanted to persevere through it because we really needed to be there at that conference that day. To prove that, I will never forget our ride home that afternoon. Josh was so fired up about the things we had learned that day, the topics we had discussed, and he said how bad he wanted to change some things in our marriage. He was on fire and it wasn't that I was NOT, but I had been absolutely miserable the whole day just trying to take in everything that was discussed while hurting so bad in a way I can't begin to describe.

I now look back at that day, and think about how the Lord knew what was about to happen that very next day and that everything we learned at that conference that day would be put to a test. Satan knew that as well, and he has tried everything since that day to divide and conquer. Praise God that he hasn't won the battle, but our lives are definitely not the same since the day of that marriage conference.

That night when we got home, it all began. Savannah had her first stomach virus about a week and a half prior to all this, so when I started vomiting that night, all night, I thought I had caught it from her. I hurt all night, and can remember pacing the house because I could not lay still- and now know it was because my liver was hurting so bad and my blood pressure so high. I had also been having headaches more often, too, which was due to the high blood pressure and I was taking Tylenol constantly, which was also not good for my liver.

(I also remember a couple of nights the week before when my sickness had started and I didn't know it, not being able to lay still because I hurt from what I thought was severe indigestion. I had called my OB nurse one day, too, and it sounded like indigestion to them as well, so I started Nexium. I remember driving to my parents house one night at 2am because I could not sit or lay still any longer. I had to get out and do something to try and take my mind off the pain. It felt just like a really, really bad case of indigestion...acid reducers weren't helping and now I know why-that wasn't the problem. At that time, though, no one ever suspected I had pre-eclampsia. 3 weeks before all this, I was perfectly fine at my monthly check up. I was due to go back the week I had Tori, and we would have discovered it all then is my guess.)

Back to what I was saying- I figured I was dehydrated that next morning, which was a Sunday, because I had been vomiting all night. I remember laying in bed that morning and first calling the nurse; she said I needed to go to Labor & Delivery vs. the ER if I was going to go get fluids. I debated and debated if I should go (yes, even at this point, because never did we think it was more than a stomach virus or indigestion) and then asked Josh what he thought. Neither one of us wanted to spend a day at the hospital, but he said he would take me if I needed to go. I then called my parents and said we were going to drop Savannah off at church with them and go on to Labor and Delivery and get some fluids in me and then return home that afternoon. Well, that was OUR plan. God's was a little different.

We got to the triage room they put you in, and first things first, they ask you to lay down and begin to type in all your information. The doctor on call from my OB's office just happened to be in the hall, and he came in, asked about my vomiting and dehydration, said we will get fluids started and I should be good to go in awhile. (My pain had subsided at this point- it came and went- and I am still thinking it was INDIGESTION and was just worse at night!! I promise, we're not idiots, it's just that no one suspected this- it is usually worse with your first pregnancy and I had no history of this with Savannah.)

Our nurse was training another nurse this day, so she was typing in the information while the trainee was getting my blood pressure as she asked me questions. I remember her turning to the nurse and saying something to the effect of it wasn't working and could she help her. She repositioned the cuff and tried it again. I'll never forget the look on her face when it read about 195/110 and she looked to me and asked, "Have you been feeling funny lately; headaches, blurred vision, dizziness, pain?" I explained the symptoms I had been having and she immediately called for another nurse and another blood pressure machine. I freak out just a tad at this point, okay, a lot, and look at Josh sitting in a chair in the corner like "What is going on??" (I can remember this all clear as day.)

The 3rd nurse comes in, takes my blood pressure with the new machine and it's still just as high. She then checks my reflexes on my legs and feet...nothing. After asking me a few more questions, I will never, ever forget the next words out of her mouth....she says, "Okay, honey, you aren't leaving this hospital until you have this baby." My brain couldn't process the words she was saying. "No, you don't understand, I am only 28 weeks along, I still have 3 months to go. I can't be here for 3 months." These are just some of the things I was thinking. Just the day before, I was at a marriage conference and going about my everyday life, expecting a baby girl in 3 months, a younger sister to my sweet Savannah. Those words changed my whole life.

As the nurse explained to me what she was talking about, the on call doctor came walking back in, having been notified of what was going on. He tried to lighten the moment and said "Okay, you aren't following the plan now. This isn't what we had planned for today. Looks like you'll be staying with us for awhile after all." After getting a grasp of what was going on, I frantically asked Josh to call my parents and let them know. They explained that they would have to take the baby if my platelets dropped too low and would do an emergency C section.

I was in Labor and Delivery for 5 of the longest days of my life, on magnesium sulfate, one of the most horrible medicines ever. It was supposed to help counteract what my body was doing and keep everything down. They had to keep increasing the doasge, too, so I felt worse every time. I got stuck constantly from having to draw blood and watch my platelets so closely. I remember one night in the middle of the night just crying because it hurt so bad, my arms were black and nothing was coming out. It took 3 nurses trying that night before one could get all they needed.

I felt like I had epilepsy because my eyes wouldn't open all the way making me so groggy and feeling like I was drugged all the time, because I was. I cried several times knowing I couldn't do this for 3 months. I absolutely felt like I was going to die and everyday my platelets dropped a little more. I was so scared that they would reach that dangerous drop off level and it would be too late. They said if it did, I would be put to sleep and have an emergency C section.

My only cure was for me to deliver Tori; the placenta was attacking my body basically, but we needed to keep her in as long as possible. 28 weeks was the cutoff for most babies survival. Before then, things weren't developed enough for them to be outside the womb. Their lungs are the most underdeveloped thing that needs to be better before they are born at this point. I received two steroid shots during these 5 days, and they had to be given so many hours/days apart, and it was VERY important that I get the second one in before she was born and then for her to stay in long enough after it was given. It helped the maturity of her lungs develop faster.

I remember the morning of the day she was born, Thursday, September 20th, 2007. I had a horrible night the night before. I was restless, hurting and so weak. I remember crying because I was afraid to close my eyes for fear of dying. I didn't want to die, and I didn't want my baby to die. They checked my platelets at like 6am, and then planned to check them again in a couple of hours because they were pretty low. They said depending on what your count is this second time will determine whether we have to put you to sleep or not to do the C section.

I was terrified of being put to sleep because I feared I wouldn't wake up. I remember my mom trying to calm me down and was singing near my ear, "They that wait upon the Lord, shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings like an eagle, they will run and not grow weary, they shall walk, and not faint. Teach me, Lord, teach me, Lord, to wait." This was a song she had sang to me while rocking me to sleep when I was little, and although I had heard it several times before, I remember closing my eyes and quietly mumbling the words with all the strength I had. It was at this moment that I was reminded that the Lord was with me and was going to be my strength through whatever happened next.

The second time they came in and checked my platelets that morning, I remember the nurse and doctor coming in soon after saying that I was going to have this baby today and my C section was scheduled for 10 am but they didn't have to put me to sleep. I was relieved and yet terrified at the same time. My baby girl wasn't supposed to be here for another 3 months. I wasn't prepared for how tiny she was still. I remember my sweet nurses name, Melissa, and how good she was with me. She prayed over me before we went down to my C section, and I knew God had ordained all of this and was in control of everything about to happen.

We got to the OR, and in order to get my spinal, I had to sit up and bend over on the table so they could put it in my back. I had not been out of the bed or hardly moved at all for 5 days, nor had I been eating, so I had no strength whatsoever. I remember her moving my legs and arms for me, positioning me as I should be, pulling me up to her and falling over her shoulders like I was hugging her. She held me as I was like a limp little baby, and now thinking back, it was just as Christ holds us up. I was helpless on my own, needing her to take on all my weight for me and hold me up. Isn't that what Christ does for us, or what we should allow Him to do?! Hmmm...neat thought.

Anyway, she was there with me through the whole delivery, as was Josh. I didn't have a C section with Savannah, so I didn't know what to expect. I was ready to see that little angel, and yet feeling so sick at the same time. When she was delivered, I heard this little meowing and it was her tiny little cry. That was probably the loudest I ever heard her cry, and it was quite quiet. They then brought her over to me, wrapped in a blanket, and she was so tiny and so beautiful. That moment was one of the most precious moments of my life when they showed me that little miracle. She was breathing on her own, her apgar scores were good, and they said she looked very good to have had no nutrition for about a month. She looked completely normal and no one suspected an underlying issue until months later when she wouldn't feed well.

I didn't bounce back right after her birth, which is what usually solves the pre-eclampsia issue- my blood pressure stayed high for quite awhile and I even had to be on blood pressure meds until my 6 wk checkup. I had a few blood transfusions after her birth, too, and was very sick and weak after surgery. It wasn't until the next day when I was stable that they wheeled me up to see that precious baby. I was so sick and had been trying to get stable myself, until I couldn't really be in a complete mothering mindset that day. Let me explain.

Josh had already been up to the NICU to see her before I did and talked with her nurses. When I went up for the first time and saw the NICU which I had never even really known existed, I broke down in tears. I sat beside her bed that day and remember two nurses trying to console me and ask what I was feeling and thinking. I just remember not wanting her to die above everything else. I was thinking of all I had gone through fighting and hanging on for me and her both over the past week, and I didn't want it to be in vain.

Death was just looming in my thoughts at this point because of what a scary week I had just had. Josh would try and keep me thinking positive, but I remember not thinking the same as before the week I went in there. It was like I couldn't shake the reality of what all had happened over the past week. I am a realist and wanted to know exactly what was going to happen, what to expect and how to get through it and what to do. I am a perfectionist in many things and too many times like to get my hands in things, trying to fix it all. I couldn't control this and it was very scary. God has definitely taught me A LOT about waiting, self control, patience, and relying on Him instead of my own strength over this past year.

There are so many more things after this, which most of you have followed throughout my journaling over the past year, but I got to thinking about where I was a year ago at this time and wanted to get it out of my head and onto paper. Thanks for taking the time to read such a lengthy post if you got this far. Tori's life was NOT in vain; I know the Lord has much planned even now because of her existence in this world. He has already used everything she, and we, have gone through more than I could imagine. All of you readers are proof of that. People have grown closer to the Lord during this time, strengthened their prayer life, and some were even saved during this time.

I am thankful for her and this whole experience...yes, thankful. Everything she went through, seeing her suffer and hurt, was awful. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. It hurt my heart and I felt so helpless. Being physically sick myself was no fun either. Wondering if you're going to wake up is a little scary and eye opening to say the least. All of what we, and my entire family, has gone through, though, is worth it for all of the reasons I listed above. To know that it impacted someone for the cause of Christ, makes it worth it and not something I can't talk about and bottle up about it all. So thanks for being on the other end of that, and listening to me share my story and my heart.

Caleb Gill

2008-09-01T08:45:00.003-05:00

When Tori was in the hospital here at Huntsville and also in Nashville, we met SO many different people during that time and I know God worked in and through that and is still continuing to months later. We have often times wondered WHY (even recently) all this happened and what was and is God doing through this by allowing Tori to be in Heaven vs. here on this earth with her mommy and daddy. I will try to explain why I think so.

We met complete strangers who would pray for us, bring a meal, give a monetary gift, things that fellow believers are called to do for one another despite not knowing each other personally on this earth before a crisis hits. She had many nurses that went over and above the duties of their job and prayed for her while encouraging us along the way. One of those nurses that cared for her was Debbie Gill.

Debbie lost her husband a few years ago, and I remembered after Amanda (another HSV nurse who has become a dear friend) told me about Caleb that Debbie and I had talked about a lot of stuff before. She wasn't one of her regular nurses, but I know God brought each of these ladies into our paths for a reason during this season. Little did any of us know that as she was caring and praying for my daughter at that time, that months later I would be praying diligently for her son's healing.

Little Caleb, who is 6 years old, was shockingly (to us, not God) diagnosed with a brain tumor and had surgery a couple of weeks ago to remove it at Vanderbilt (where Tori was). I know what shock, fear, anixety, worry, etc. runs through a mother's mind when they find out their baby is so sick. I know that Debbie has supportive family and friends helping her through this while her other children are still at home and she is trying to balance being with Caleb in the hospital while he needs her, too. She is fighting right along side of him, the best thing a mother can do in her position. She stays strong and keeps the faith. I know the Lord will richly bless her for this.

PRAISE THE LORD that Caleb's recent scans have not shown cancer anywhere else and he is now beginning to say some words again. That was one of Debbie's major prayer requests that after his surgery that sight and speech would be restored. He begins radiation this next week, so I ask that you will join me in praying for him and his complete healing. My dad had radiation so I know the tiredness and effects it can have, so please pray that Caleb will be pain free, comfortable and that the Lord will heal him.

He was a normal, average, everyday little boy running and playing before all this, so it proves that this could happen to anyone at anytime. I hope you will hug your children tighter and love them deeper. I find myself trying to be a little more patient with my almost three year old because I know life is too short to worry about every little thing that I get upset about.

Please visit and stay updated on Caleb's progress through this journey. His caring bridge page is www.caringbridge.org/visit/calebgill I know what awesome prayer warriors prayed on Tori's behalf, so I am now asking that you do the same for Caleb. You can also go to the link below and send an Ecard to his room like so many of you did for Tori. http://www.vanderbiltchildrens.com/interior.php?mid=1985 I know how much it will brighten their day. Thank you so much in advance for your prayers and encouragement to this family.

While I'm Waiting

2008-08-25T15:28:00.003-05:00

Be honest for a minute and think about it...is WAITING really "fun?" Is it easy or what we WANT to do? Seriously, do you LIKE to wait in line at the bank, in the store or in the drive thru? NO. We are, by nature, very impatient creatures. Waiting and patience are not something we do very well the majority of the time. I know I sure don't.

I have been encouraged by one of my dear friends, Miranda, and her recent blogs on waiting on God and His timing while desiring HIS will and not ours. She talks about just being STILL and knowing He is God, which was "coincidentally" my devotion for today, and a verse that I have shared with a few friends that God has given me since Tori's death. I encourage you to read Miranda's recent blogs on this subject.

Why has WAITING on the Lord and BEING STILL and KNOWING HE IS GOD been brought to my heart and mind so much lately...hmmmm?? Probably because I'm so stubborn and strong willed until I am determined to do it MY way, when all the time God is watching and waiting on me to slow down so I can hear His voice and see His hand at work. If you're anything like me, you rush through life, with YOUR (our) agenda, YOUR plans, YOUR desires....when that is clearly not of God and what He desires for our lives.

If you remember from my recent post about the movie FIREPROOF, I recently went to the screening and was blown away and encouraged after leaving the theater. One of the songs, "While I'm Waiting," by John Waller is in the movie and plays at a very moving point of the movie. I would like to share the lyrics and the music with you. If you click on the link below, you can hear the song on myspace (you don't have to have an account), just scroll down and make sure "While I'm Waiting" is highlighted and playing on the music player to the right. Please take a couple of minutes to hear it. It is a very powerful song to me. I have listened to the soundtrack they gave us several times over and over in my car. Every song on there is absolutely wonderful.

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=15287549

This song is a challenge to me that even while I'm waiting on God to work, to move, to speak...will I wait?? Will I Serve Him?? Will I worship Him?? Will I stay faithful?? Be honest as I am being with you, and think of when you're waiting on someone or something (in a spiritual sense or not) if you are having to wait longer than normal, or longer than YOU think you should be waiting, or even not knowing what you're waiting on sometimes, is it easy to always stay faithful to the cause?! I mean, is it always easy to stick to it or do you just want to give up and forget the whole thing at times?!

I think of being in a drive thru waiting to place your order and the line doesn't budge for over 5 minutes, would you still be sitting there? Would you have even made it to the 5 minute mark? If you're like me, I would have driven off because I wouldn't have paid yet and then go to the next closest place instead? Isn't that what we do with God? When we wait too long or don't like what's happening in the interim, we "drive off" and go looking for the next best thing.

I don't know about you, but I don't want to settle for the next best thing when I know God has something better in store for me right where I am right now...and that is waiting on Him to reveal it to me. So, until He does, I will strive to stay faithful, persevere, continue worshipping and serving Him and pray for His help to do all of that well. There's NO way I can do all that on my own (Phil. 4:13).

Here are the lyrics to the song and what JW personally writes about them. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

While I’m Waiting - John Waller
Psalm 5:3, 27:14, 33:20, 37:7, 38:15, 40:1, Isaiah 30:18, Lamentations 3:24

"The explanation for this song is simple, I was waiting on God and I was hurting when I wrote the lyrics. I probably wouldn’t have written
a song if my friend, Mike, hadn't encouraged me to document what I was going through during that time. I’m sure there are few people
who can’t relate to this song, but the important thing to remember while we’re waiting on God is to not just wait but to actively wait.
Serve, worship and be faithful with what you have, where you are… “even while (you) wait.” John Waller

I’m waiting
I’m waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I’m waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience

While I’m waiting
I will serve You
While I’m waiting
I will worship
While I’m waiting
I will not faint
I’ll be running the race
Even while I wait

I’m waiting
I’m waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I’m waiting on You, Lord
Though it’s not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait

I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting
I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting
I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting on You, Lord

© 2007 Travelin’ Zoo Music (ASCAP) (admin. by EMI CMG Publishing)

Oppression

2008-08-21T20:29:00.006-05:00

Well, it's been over a week now since I've blogged. I was thinking back to something I wrote about before while doing my recent Beth Moore Study, "Stepping Up." Oppression. I know, I know, I could have chosen a much more cheery, joyous topic to talk about, but this subject came to mind today so allow me to go here for a moment if you will.

When we feel oppressed, it may be because of something we've done to ourselves and it has in turn caused us to feel oppressed and beaten down, or it could simply be the consequences to our sin causing us to feel that oppression? But what about oppression being brought on by circumstances beyond our control? What about oppression leading to DEpression? A feeling of hopelessness or wanting to just throw in the towel? I mean more than just the occasional bad day or blue mood? Maybe you don't know what I'm talking about. Maybe you haven't ever felt in your spirit the kind of oppression I am referring to. I have. I felt this way all too recently. Let me explain.

My baby would have been a year old in a month from yesterday. As that day approaches, I am more and more saddened. Since her birth, so much has changed and I have definitely felt the state of being oppressed several times. Since her death, I have come to accept it better than I ever thought I would, and through the encouragement of all my readers, I have felt like keeping on keeping on, but mostly through the grace,strength and comfort from our Lord. However, I intentionally haven't always blogged about all the hard times. I've mostly blogged (all the way back to her caring bridge page) about all the positive and uplifting times and days when I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. I've honestly tried not to dwell so much on the bad. People have commented on this, but they haven't always seen the other side. I am human. I have fallen and I have been weak. I have thankfully gotten up every time I fell, but lately I feel very weary and am trying my hardest to beat this sense of "oppression."

I so desperately want Tori's legacy to be one that's positive, strong, uplifiting, encouraging and life changing. I want the devil to be defeated and to personally come out on the other side as a victor in Him. To be honest, though, some days I don't feel that that's been the case in some ways. I don't doubt my God or what He's allowed to happen AT ALL, but I do wonder (and actually know) if Satan is trying to use things and people to affect everything that's happened in a negative way. He wants nothing more than for myself and others to feel oppressed because of this.

I covet your prayers in the days ahead as I am constantly reminded lately of where I was a year ago at this time, not knowing that right around this time period, my body quit feeding Tori and she did not have nutrients for about a month before she was born. I began to get sick as a result. When she was about to be delivered, it was even life threatening for us both to a degree. Thank the Lord for wise doctors of knowing when and what to do, but it all brings back unpleasant memories to say the least.

Along with Steven Curtis Chapman's wife knowing and accepting God's will, I still wish my baby was here with me ultimately, and that we were planning for her first birthday with presents and cake galore celebrating her little life! I urge you to watch this clip below of an interview of SCC and his wife in their home. I broke down when I saw this, because I could totally relate, and it hurt me for her as well. Please take a few minutes and watch what an awesome testimony they have. I hope and pray to be able to say and do the same. Some may say we have, but as we've grieved, I've not personally given myself any leniency in this because I don't ever want to become, and as a result, stay mad at God. I have questions, sure, just like SCC says, but that's what faith is, not having answers to your questions and yet trusting anyway. I know that it is far too easy for Satan to plant that seed and run with it in people's minds that God is to blame, so I haven't even let myself go there. I trust that He had a bigger plan, and as hard as it is sometimes, not my will be done....but HIS.

I want my baby's life to have counted for something, to mean something, to have made a difference...not cause oppression...bottom line.

FOUR STARS ****

2008-08-13T15:23:00.004-05:00

Josh and I saw the screening of FIREPROOF last night, and I give it a full four stars!! It was awesome. Flywheel and Facing the Giants were good, too, and you should definitely get them on DVD if you haven't seen them already. Fireproof was definitely my favorite, though! Kirk Cameron did a great job, as did all the actors/actresses.

It was a movie I could relate to because it didn't sugarcoat marriage like Hollywood usually does...portraying life to be like it is in most movies where the spouses never fight, the children always get along,the pets are never in need of a bath, the house is always in order, the bills are always paid and life is grand....yeah right.

The facts of life, which Hollywood tends to leave out, is that life isn't always as simple or as grand and glorious as it's cracked out to be....the mortgage is due the same week you have an unexpected emergency you have to pay for; your spouse and you DON'T always see eye to eye; the kids DO fight and get in trouble at school; people get laid off at their jobs; and all sorts of difficult and stressful things.

This movie relates to how UNperfect people we really are and yet how we can not only survive, but prosper, and that is with the HOPE that Jesus Christ gives us through Salvation and what comes through committing our lives to Him. It also showed what HE can do through our committment to Him to make our marriages prosper despite how rough life can be.

Josh and I were very encouraged and refreshed after this movie; everyone needs a pick me up from time to time. With everything we've gone through these past two years, life has seemed overwhelming most of the time. We've held on and endured as best we knew how, but we've also both messed up many times along the way. I am thankful after seeing this movie how God can take all our mistakes, disappointments and broken hearts and make an abundant marriage out of it all.

After seeing the screening, we were given the information needed to rent out a showtime for our church members when the movie is released. We are in the process of looking into that because it is something that EVERY married couple needs to see (whether you've had marital problems or NOT), college and career students (as they prepare for future relationships), high school students (as they begin to date and wonder what to look for in a relationship), single and divorced men and women (it has something for EVERYONE!) and Christians and non-Christians (it's a great outreach tool and plants the seed of salvation).

As you can see, I'm a big supporter of it. I am praying that it will continue to make an impact in mine and Josh's lives and that we will "never leave our partner behind" (you've got to watch the movie to understand...) and that is my prayer for you all, too.

Take 2 minutes and watch the trailer below. It's awesome. Then check out the AWESOME music videos below. You will be blessed and encouraged.

FIREPROOF trailer

The link to the Warren Barfield music video "Love is not a Fight."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aivAVbmUQ7U&feature=user

SLOW FADE by CASTING CROWNS music video:

See the countdown on my page for how many days until you can see FIREPROOF in theatres for yourself!

Thank you!

2008-08-08T07:27:00.004-05:00

I just wanted to say a big THANK YOU to all of you who gave to the Swim for Melissa foundation in memory of Tori. I appreciate you all so much and your generous and caring spirits. This was DEFINITELY a good cause to give to, and every penny you gave will be used towards saving lives. Please be assured.

Today is the last day to give, but our final total as of this morning is $1,320! YAY! It is $180 short of our goal, but like I said, meeting our goal was not a competition for us, we just wanted to raise as much as we could to help and we did just that. Thank you again to all the willing donors.

You can check out the final stats here

Where Does My Help Come From?

2008-08-05T18:15:00.007-05:00

Well, where does it come from?! Hopefully you said the Lord. Although some people look to other sources- such as astrology, horoscopes, other people, the news, self help books, etc. You get my point. While some of those things aren't "bad," they are not what we should (myself included!) rely on as our sole source of help in times of trouble.

This verse I wanted to share with you today from my Beth Moore study came up several times during Tori's sickness. I had to often times remind myself that no doctor, nurse, medication, etc. could be what I solely relied on for strength, hope, and even a cure. To remind you of that time period and how well this applied, I read an old blog that I remembered writing about this very verse back when Tori was in the hospital. I can still remember looking out her hospital room window that day (she had a huge window in her room compared to most hospital rooms) and I always enjoyed reflecting on things such as this while looking out of it.

"I lift up my eyes to the hills—where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD,the Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip—he who watches over you will not slumber;
indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.
The LORD watches over you—the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day,nor the moon by night.
The LORD will keep you from all harm— he will watch over your life;
the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore." Psalm 121:1-8

As I read the way Beth drew a parallel to the fact that this passage is similar as an actual earthly journey and our everyday spiritual journey, I envisioned a traveler walking down a path with high mountains on both sides of him (just like I feel sometimes- overwhelming "giants" all around me), watching for thieves who try to steal from him (AKA "the Devil" for us), and yet the psalm he was still singing about his Protector, his Deliverer, his Savior -- and believing it was true. WOW.

What are some of the things that we want in our everydayjourneys that a traveler might want when their path is uncertain just as ours is? I listed security, protection, comfort, stability, reassurance, peace of mind, etc. The list could go on and on. The fact is, in verses 7 and 8 alone, it says the Lord will do all of those things for us. It says He will protect us, keep us, and guard us. If that doesn't give you comfort about Who holds your future, I don't know what will! (I must admit the words on these pages of the Bible haven't always been as real and exciting to me at previous times in my life, but they are now and I long to read more and more encouraging things like Psalm 121!)

Beth asked if there was a current need in our lives where we need these truths hammered into our heads; well I listed 3 different ones. I need to constantly be reminded of His promises; otherwise, I might have thrown in the towel by now. What about you? What situation do you need to remind yourself of and counter it with one of God's promises? I promise it will help to list them and then list a promise beside it that He has given to us.

In closing, I want to share something she said that really hit home to me about His protection in my everyday life: "God always protects His children. Yes, often from the physical threats of the world around us, but always in the unseen realm where demons hiss and the gates of hell quake. Our feet do not slip in a world so real, so vivid, that ours is a shadow by comparison. The Lord lets no harm befall us in the world where the truest threats lie." Bottom line, He doesn't allow anything to happen to us that we can't handle without His help. Trust me, I've wondered before how in the world He could trust me this much?? but there are so many things that we don't even see or comprehend that He protects us from because we are His children.

Won't you put your trust in Him wholeheartedly and look to Him for your help? He's proven over and over that He's the real deal.

One week left...

2008-08-03T17:34:00.006-05:00

We have a week left to earn $240 to meet our goal of $1500 for the Swim for Melissa Fundraiser. I have contacted everyone I have email addresses for I do believe, and I am extremely grateful for the overwhelming response we have had so far. I believe we could meet our goal, but if not, I am thrilled to know that we raised nearly $1500 to go towards buying a Giraffe Omnibed which costs about $40,000.

Like I've said before, you never expect you or anyone you know to have to use equipment like this, but if it does happen, you are thankful that it's available and that people like you have been so generous to give so that your baby has a greater chance at life. A couple of Tori's doctors and nurses have even given to this fund in memory of Tori and I know they have seen first hand how much of a neccessity these beds are for 1 pound nine ounce babies like Tori and Melissa George. Thank you to all of you who have never even had to use something like this (and I pray you never have to) but have cared enough to give anyway....families like ours are so blessed and so thankful.

https://www.swimformelissa.org/mypage.php?p=13

In Times of Distress

2008-07-31T08:16:00.006-05:00

When you're at your lowest point, feeling like you are defeated and distress is all around you, what do you do? Do you call out to Him? I must admit I have been guilty of not always doing so. Taking it to Him has in turn changed my thought process and often times calmed me down about the situation.

In day 2 of our Study, our context came from Psalm 120: "In my distress I called to the Lord, and He answered me. Lord, deliver me from lying lips and a deceitful tongue. What will He give you, and what will He do to you, you deceitful tongue? A warrior's sharp arrows, with burning charcoal! What misery that I have stayed in Meshech, that I have lived among the tents of Kedar! I have lived too long with those who hate peace. I am for peace; but when I speak, they are for war."

This first Psalm of Ascent was a distress call, and as Beth puts it, "not a bad place to start a journey. Sometimes the best motivation we'll ever have for going someplace new is distress over someplace old." She went on to say that a relationship is what the Lord desires, and not just an emergency response. He wants close interaction with us. I have been guilty of not making a personal relationship priority, but yet expecting God to give and bless my life. But how can we expect blessings when we don't bless God?? (more on that later)

In the NIV, it describes how the psalmist had a "woe is me" moment at the beginning of his journey. ("Woe to me that I dwell in Meshech, that I live among the tents of Kedar!" Ps. 120:5 NIV) Meshech and Kedar are not common places to us, but as Beth said, they describe a place where the psalmist felt as an alien, far from where he wished to be. The people around him in these places contributed to his feeling this way. The scripture says they hated peace and had deceitful tongues. He wanted out from all that! Do YOU have relationships like that? See what Beth says about this:

"We may have relationships with some people who don't highly prioritize integrity and who fight dirty, but somewhere along the way we've got to quit getting in the mud with them. Part of making our ascent is learning to take the high road. The process can begin by voicing to God the pain you've suffered on the low road. If you need to, have a biblical "woe to me" moment concering some difficult environments you're enduring. Sometimes you just need to get some things off your chest and know someone has listened. We can address God with some virtually impossible circumstances and personalities that surround us as we're trying to keep our spiritual act together. Some of you may feel as if you have so much stacked against you in your daily environment that it's no wonder you've lost your joy -- your holy passion, your effectiveness."

Have you been in YOUR "Meshech" too long? Have you dwelled among YOUR "tents of Kedar" and are ready to move on? If so, let me tell you what she says about doing this: "As you and I seek a higher road to walk on planet Earth, the time may have come to unlearn some things and sign up for some new lessons. Avoiding conflict is not the solution, but learning how to deal with it is. If we're willing, God will teach us. He will use His word, His Spirit, and on a good day, He will use His people. Meshech and Kedar were good places to begin on a journey upward. We must be honest about where we are before we can journey effectively to where we want to be."

Lesson well Learned

2008-07-30T08:26:00.003-05:00

Well, yesterday was sadly the last day of my 7 week Beth Moore Bible Study, Stepping Up. (I still encourage all ladies that can to participate in this study if at all possible.) I was VERY sad to see it end; I have looked forward to meeting each week and doing my homework during the week, too. It was the first time that homework wasn't dreaded!!

Looking back over my workbook and reading over the things I highlighted and underlined that were important and meaningful to me got me realizing even more that God has had His hand on my life these past 7 weeks. He has been preparing my heart and working in me for a purpose and to see that now is so amazing. To see God's hand at work is something you don't want to miss out on, I promise. I am so thankful that I learned some of these things that I'd like to share with you all if that's okay.

"Humility is the natural posture of anyone who grasps the greatness of God." She talked about humbling ourselves before God is not self-hatred, but getting on our hands and faces before God is an act of reverence and surrender. If we are not able to humble ourselves, but carry on with our prideful attitudes, how then are we able to grasp the greatness of God? That is something I want to definitely not miss out on.

"Has it been awhile since you've had a good jolt to jump start your journey again? Do you want to learn to take the high road in that ongoing situation or conflict that so often tempts you to take the low road?" Little did I know when I read this in the first session that I was going to need these things during this study, but I did and am so thankful that I did this study. These are things this study prepares you for, Ladies. I urge you again to do this Bible study if at all possible.

"Sometimes we don't know why we're on a certain road with God until miles have made their way to the soles of our feet." WOW. That's all I can say. Miles later into my journey in life and in this study, I see some of the things God used on this road to help prepare me and strengthen me. He can do the same for you. Will you trust Him as you walk this road?

"If we could only see beyond the veil of the natural world, look upon our true surroundings, see the kingdom in the distance, and behold the face of Jesus Christ, we'd realize the tragedy of ever settling into a stagnant, mediocre relationship with God. That you and I are still here drawing terrestrial breaths tells us that God still has appointments for us." Well when you put it like that, wow, how could you not feel convicted about what we've let our relationships with Him become? It challenged me to grow with Him and not be mediocre at best.

Sometimes I admit that I want to throw in the towel. I've struggled with depression and Satan hopes every time that I will want to just give up when the bottom seems to fall out. I have to think that there is still SOME reason, some PLAN, some PURPOSE that I am still here, enduring what I am, and He is in control of it all. I at least owe Him my faithfulness and perseverance until I do see Him face to face.

"John Calvin called the Psalms, "An Anatomy of all the parts of the soul." While studying in the Psalms, I saw how vividly that the Psalms described so many emotions I was feeling. As he put it, "the Holy Spirit has here drawn to the life all the griefs, sorrows, fears, doubts, hopes, cares, perplexities, in short, all the distracting emotions with which the minds of men are wont to be agitated." She talks about what if we turned all these emotions into an avenue of worship rather than distraction? The Lord could work in each of us in a mighty way if we used books like the Psalms to guide us as we experience emotions like these.

Well, this was only day one of week one. It kind of introduced what we would be studying and what to expect. I'll share more of the heart of it later. If you want to see for yourself the Psalms we studied, open your Bible to Psalm 120-134 and have a good read!

True to His Word

2008-07-26T11:58:00.004-05:00

I just a had brief thought, that I felt led to share. This week has been a horrific week for me and I have felt very discouraged. Though people and circumstances will disappoint us, let us down and we will do the same to others, aren't you glad that we have a loving Father that is there through it all? He promises to never leave or forsake us and I have taken Him at His word this week resting in the fact that that promise will be true in the days to come as well. I am so thankful that He is true to His word and that it never returns void. Some people need tangible proof that He is real and that the words of His book are true, but I'd like to share with them that first hand I know that it is all true and He is indeed real.

It is no coincidence that I have been doing an in depth Bible Study for the past 6 weeks on the Psalms of Ascent and "storing up," if you will, on His promises and provisions for my life. My flesh cries out at times and just wants to give up, but He has been faithful to bring me back to just the right scripture and person in my path to share it with me, too. When I feel so hopeless, He has been faithful to His word and draws me close to Him, comforting those who mourn, giving peace to the brokenhearted and loving me unconditionally. I am SO unworthy of this, but proud to be a child of the King and receive these gifts of love from my Father.

Won't you join me and receive the joy He gives to those who love Him? I have realized more than ever that I want to get out of the pit of oppression and live victoriously. I am going to mess up, even today after I write this blog, and I'm going to be hurt and disappointed by others, too, but I am so thankful for His Holy Spirit and His presence in my heart. I am so thankful that He is true to His word.

Through the Eyes of a Child

2008-07-20T21:54:00.004-05:00

I have forgotten what it's like for the most part to see things through the eyes of a child. All the simplicities and innocence we took for granted, or simply because we just didn't know any better, are really missed sometimes. We were so naive until we matured and grew into adults, but weren't things a lot easier then, too?!

I know that the Lord never meant for us to stay a child, or as the maturity of one, but to grow in Him and grow up, too! But haven't you ever thought, even jokingly, "I just wanna be a kid again! No responsibilities. No problems. No worries." Well, to be honest, the thought has crossed my mind before when something particular may have triggered the thought, especially like tonight.

As I was putting down Savannah for bed and saying our prayers tonight, I was doing what I usually do and that is to "help" her pray, while she adds in things here and there: "Pray for Papaw, pray for Mammie, pray for Nana Lo, etc." Well tonight after we finished and I was leaving her room, I heard her say "...and I pray for Tori, too; keep her safe." It was precious.

Savannah was old enough to grasp the concept that Baby Tori was her baby sister, that she was sick and that she was in the hospital and that's where Mommy and Daddy always went. But when she died and we tried to explain heaven to a two year old, it was nearly impossible. We couldn't explain death or where she was. When going to the cemetery with us one time, she wanted to know where Tori was because we had said we were going to see her. It's confusing to her I'm sure, but to know that she still thinks about her and even prays for her, it's precious.

Don't get me wrong, I want her to grow and know our Savior personally and understand what Heaven is all about, but I also thought it was sweet to keep her childlike faith and thoughts for as long as possible! No death, bad times, trials or struggles exist to her. How nice is that?!

We hadn't even discussed Tori to her today, so to think of that by herself tonight, I was surprised. Usually things will trigger her prayers, like if it's someone she had talked to on the phone or just seen. I already knew she was smart, but I guess it's actually a sign of her growing up after all, huh?

Anyway, there's no real "point" to my blog; her saying that tonight just got me thinking about what it was like to be a child and how nice it was to have my parents bear everything for me and me just enjoy life! Children have no concept of time, reality or things like that...when they're this young anyway. However, I remember thinking as a child one time that there weren't people in places I had never been, that only the ones I'd seen or places I'd visited even existed. :)

I guess this is also another reason I could have a trillion children- I love their innocence, how they think, their own "languages" and their perception of life is really quite simple and much happier!

Rather than try to explain it to Savannah tonight, I just kissed her forehead, told her that was sweet and goodnight. We will have plenty of time to tell her how wonderful her little sister really was. She has already heard that she is with Jesus and that is the best place she could be if she can't be here with her mommy and daddy! I can only imagine what her little, inquisitive mind makes of that!

Thank you!!

2008-07-19T09:03:00.003-05:00

I just wanted to say thank you for all the donations that have come in on Tori's behalf for Giraffe Omnibeds for Huntsville Hospital NICU. People we know and don't know have been so generous and given above and beyond what we ever expected. I want to say again that this has not been a competition for us, but a joy to know that we are helping make a difference for other babies born early just like Tori was!

I cannot explain the unfathomable feelings you have when you are in the situation of your baby being born 3 months early, too small to survive on it's own; you are grasping for any information or help possible. You as a parent are completely helpless on what you can do for your child for once, and you just have to rely on people who know what they can do and new and improving equipment like these beds that help babies so much more than I realized in the beginning.

I'd like to publicly share what the website shares, and that is the names that have given. You all are to be honored, although I know that's not why you gave, but I wanted to say THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart to each and every one of you. I have not been able to email you all individually, nor do I have a few of the people's email addresses, so please, please know that I appreciate your donation and it means so much to me and my family personally!!

We have 20 days left to raise $450. If you would still like to give, you can do so at https://www.swimformelissa.org/mypage.php?p=13 and we would appreciate it.

Thank you again!!

Janet Duff
Julie Golos
Susan Best
Teresa Frakes
Lois Wilhoit
Casey Cooper
Amanda Hoot
Monica Williams
Kathy Beasley
Tanya Dutton
Lisa M. Slater
Antonia Diaz
Sharron Horton
Trina Chunn
Jerri Landers
Doris Couch
Pam Fowler
Josephine Wampler
Sharon Bowers
Charline Bird
Janice Motes
Julie Jones
Chris And Vickie Gentle
Larissa Boyd
Alan And Vilera Mills
Robyn Curns
Patrick Jones
Kristy Ethridge
Shannon Cook
Christie Huggins
Paula Gushard
Gracie Clark
Tammila Akins

Friend or Foe

2008-07-18T09:31:00.003-05:00

Having been a PK all my life, I've unfortunately seen a lot of hurtful situations. I've seen personal attacks on my family as well as other church members and it is has always mindboggled me how people who call themselves Christians could act in such a way. When I was younger, I couldn't believe that adults, who seemed so much wiser than I, could ever do and say such things in church. Now that I am an adult, I see that we are still as stubborn as we were as children in some ways.

Why do I bring this up? Well the Lord has really been working on me for several years now about my trust and forgiveness issues. Some of you may not realize this has even been an issue for me, but it has. Because people that I've loved and had a relationship with before have publicly said hurtful things to my family and others I love, or done things secretly that caused pain, it has caused me to put walls up in my mind and around my heart before getting close to anyone. I have found this to be true through building many friendships and while getting closer to people. I didn't realize that it was as severe as it was before until one of my good friends bluntly asked me one day, "What kind of friendships have you had before? Good time friends? Well, guess what?! I am here to stay!" It hit me like a ton of bricks that I was still doing it...building walls, staying in my comfort zone, wearing my happy face even when my heart is breaking inside, because everyone knows a pastor's wife and kids have to be happy at all times :)

These trust issues have led me to not be quick to open up to others, not share my heart for fear of pain, have bitterness in my heart and even trouble forgiving others. It has caused me to be "on guard," looking at every person as a possible suspect and wondering if they're going to hurt me. What a horrible way to live life, I know! Now, I'm just sharing my heart, so bear with me, I promise I'm getting to a good ending! I have always been a very transparent person, even before my writings, so I'm not ashamed to share all this. I would probably say that all these things have gotten better since being at Wall Highway Baptist Church, though, where we attend now.

My dad has always longed to pastor a church like WHBC, where they have servant's hearts, people who share his vision to grow a church and follow his leadership. One of our church's where we lived for 10 years reminds me so much of WHBC in some ways. When we went there, there were probably 100 people, and it quadrupled until we had to move out of our sanctuary, that we quickly outgrew, into our family life center for services. God was moving and working. I saw it like never before. It was awesome! That is where I see the similarities with WHBC. Unfortunately, there were behind the scenes actions going on at that church that has caused a lot of the pain and inability to trust for me. And I was only a teenager, at a very impressionable age where I began to think all church members were this way! Thank the Lord that He has broken down those barriers in my heart and mind, though, and I have been blessed with lifelong friendships because of it!

The people who started that church or had been there for awhile didn't like the growth. They didn't like all the new faces. They stuck to the "Us 4 and no more" motto. I saw my friend's dad stand up in business meetings and slosh my dad. How was I to draw the line between my friendships and their family's personal attacks on my father? Since then, I have always struggled with being able to have my own relationships in the church because of thinking they might be anti the preacher and that makes for a hard place for me to be in....having a relationship I care about and yet defending my own flesh and blood, too. Even the not so personal attacks, but people getting mad and leaving have affected me personally.

I still deal with some of these things that I mentioned above, but not nearly as much as a few years back. I read a book right after coming to Wall Highway, "When you Can't Say I Forgive You" and it helped me immensely. Growing my own family and somewhat "detaching," if you will, from the pastor family limelight has helped as well. I always said "I will never marry anyone in the ministry!" and God has dealt with me many times on that statement. He has shown me that, "Yes, if I call you to do something, you will do it because you love me and want to follow me, not because of your own desires because of past hurts. I can turn those scars into a beautiful thing."

Growing physically (in age) and spiritually has also changed my view of viewing everyone as a "friend or foe." In Christ, we are all friends (brothers and sisters in Him) and are told to be there for each other, bearing each other's burdens, praying for each other, too. Through Tori's life, He spoke to me on all these issues I've had believe it or not. So many people showed me and my family the true meaning of Proverbs 17:17, "A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity."

I have said it before, but without being a PK, enduring even the hard times, we wouldn't have been so blessed with all the GOOD relationships that have come out of being in the ministry. I am so thankful for people that the Lord has put in our lives, teaching me that He is faithful even when I think there's no hope for a true friendship out there. It has also taught me (although I am by no means perfect at it!!) the qualities that I would want in a friend and how to be a better one. I am thankful for each of you reading this, because in some way, you have been brought into my life and our paths have crossed in one way or the other and I am so blessed.

Spiritual Warfare -- Part 2

2008-07-16T23:38:00.001-05:00

Not that it's a real big deal, but I put off finishing my part 2 blog from last week because I had a lot of different things going on and not really the right words to say at the moment. I don't know that I do, even now, but will try.

I feel like Satan attacks us in the sneakiest, slyest, and yet best ways. Actually, I know he does- he is truly the master of deceit. He knows how to get in, but it's not up to him whether or not we allow him to get the victory. We make a choice how to respond and what to say or do when in a situation. The Lord always makes an "out" for us when faced with temptation- and I mean even with the smallest things. I realize that more and more and actually see it firsthand as I am thinking more on my response to others before it just comes on out. I find that when being cautious about my tone or words when responding to others, makes for much less "negatives." Satan wants the opposite to be accomplished, though. He wants us to be selfish, demanding and plain mean.

I titled this spiritual warfare, because I know that we are constantly fighting a battle, especially in our day and age, against Satan and all his powers of darkness (Eph. 6:12). It may sound cliche to talk about putting on the armor of Christ, in every situation, but truly it's our only defense. What is the Full Armor of God? The Belt of TRUTH, Breastplate of RIGHTEOUSNESS, Shield of FAITH, Helmet of SALVATION, Sword of the SPIRIT and Feet prepared with the GOSPEL. Equipped with all this, knowing He is on our side, who can be against us????

I felt inclined to talk about all this last week because I felt like I was fighting a spiritual battle. I have mentioned this already, but I am doing this Beth Moore Study, and I told a friend of mine the other day, "It's really kicking my butt!" And I mean that in a good way!! I phrased it like that to emphasize that the Lord is really working on me and convicting me about some things, and Satan doesn't like it all one bit. He wants to try and use other people and circumstances to rob me of the joy, assurance, peace and security I am feeling from the Lord like never before.

I must admit that over the past month, I've been in a dark place most days. We learned this week about the oppressed and the oppressors in Psalm 129. It shed great light on my soul about some things and I no longer want to be the oppressor to others, and I also don't want to be oppressed. I realized that even if our oppression has been brought on by ourselves, He can and will still deliver us from it and for that I am so grateful. It proves His loyalty and His unconditional love for me. So, I am trusting God with my circumstances, fully handing them over to Him, rebuking Satan in the name of Jesus!, and also putting the people I love the most in the greatest Care that I ever could -- and that's with Him.

I believe with A LOT of prayer, faith, studying, perseverance and trusting, Satan can and will be overcome. I look forward to sharing some of the things I've learned in this study with my blog readers. I hope you all will continue to come back and read and share with me, too. I promise I haven't forgotten you all. It's been awhile because I've been dealing with some pretty heavy stuff for awhile now it seems. I thank you for your prayers and your caring spirits.

Money Well Spent

2008-07-09T22:26:00.003-05:00

We only have 30 days left to raise $985 which would complete our goal of $1500 to put towards buying Huntsville Hospital NICU more Giraffe Omnibeds (which is what Tori was in when she was born).

We aren't asking for you to give a whole lot, although we are SO thankful that people have been able to give above and beyond the $10 minimum we are asking for. If we had 98 people (which we know at least 98 more people) that would give $10, we would make our goal.

I want to emphasize that this is not a competition for us. We realize what an important thing this fundraiser is, and have seen first hand how important it is to have these beds available when you need one.

You never imagine that YOUR child, grandchild, niece, nephew or even friend will need equipment like this. We sure didn't. But now we're more aware and more grateful for things like this fundraiser that are in place that may help YOU or someone you know one day.

This is also an awesome way for us to do an honorable and memorable thing in Tori's name. This is one of the best ways that I can think of to honor her life, and that is to help another baby just like her that may need this in the future.

Tori was 1 pound 9 ounces when she was born, and so was Melissa George. They both were too small to keep up their own body temperature themselves, as well as other babies just like them that are born everyday. Equipment like these very important beds are what we can do to help all of these babies who so rightfully deserve a chance at life.

Visit the site below to donate your $10 today. Time is running out!! THANK YOU SO MUCH.

https://www.swimformelissa.org/mypage.php?p=13

Spiritual Warfare -- Part 1

2008-07-07T22:22:00.003-05:00

Before I begin this post that's been on my heart for over a week now, but I just didn't know how to put it into words, let me share my testimony. I'd like to do so because I feel like after hearing a speaker at church Sunday, everyone's testimony is awesome, no matter how simple it may be, and it is worth sharing.

Let me back up to say that although I have hated and despised for it to define me in years past, it is indeed true that I am a PK (preacher's kid). I don't resent it like I did when I was in high school, but at times I would just like to be labeled as ME: "Melissa Leigh Wilhoit" and not "the pastor's daughter." If you do view me as that or have in the past, don't think I'm angry about it, because actually I'm not. I'm used to it and have come to accept it, although having my own identity would be nice. I do look at the other side of the spectrum, though: if my dad wasn't a called man of God to preach the word, would I have been involved in church like I have all my life and known all the people I know that helped get me through such an awful time in my life? We had people from past ministries and churches praying, emailing, sending cards, calling, etc when we needed church families the most. My dad's faithfulness has in turn reaped a lot of wonderful, godly relationships throughout the years that have given our family long lasting friendships and for that I am forever grateful.

Okay, so why do I bring up the fact that I'm a PK if I've hated it so much in the past? Well, to give you my background. I was raised in church...I went to the nursery in Shelton Beach Road Baptist Church in Saraland, AL (some of my readers live there), and was a toddler there where I distinctly remember going to all the church functions with my black patton purse in tow, asking various members for "monies." No, my dad didn't put me up to it, I guess I was just trying to get the offerings that didn't get given that day for myself. HA,HA. I hope everyone knows I'm kidding, although it is a funny story my family looks back on that I actually did do that as toddler. Anyway, my point to all that is, I was born and raised in church. I've never known anything different, and today, I can honestly say PRAISE GOD! that that's the case!

I said jokingly to someone the other day that I grew up having a flannel graph board view of what Christianity is all about. (Not I'm not picking on our teaching methods to our children, because that's where the seeds are planted I fully believe. Without the flannel graph, I wouldn't have known all the Bible stories at an early age like I do today!) Again, my point I hope I am making clear is that I wasn't a rebellious teenager that turned from a ton of awful sins and gave my life to Christ.

The night that I remember praying and asking the Lord to save me was a Sunday night after church. I questioned and quizzed my parents until I said I was ready to be saved. I remember the couch we were sitting on and where in our house that it was with both parents on each side of me, going through the plan of salvation with me after desiring to know and accept it. I remember praying and they have held me accountable until this day that I made a profession of faith that night. However, I can't honestly say that I have always been at peace with that "childlike faith decision" that I made at 5 years of age.

I have thought several times in my short 25 years of life that since I didn't have much to repent from at 5 years old, then how did I possibly understand I was sinner and repent if I didn't have much to repent from?! And that's not all. Because I was saved at a young age, I thought about how I didn't have a bunch of nasty habits to give up or turn my life around from. That is where the childlike faith comes in, and I believe that I did have that at 5 years of age. I believe that I knew at that time that Jesus was God's Son, that He loved me and died for me, that on the 3rd day He rose again that I may have eternal life. I believed that I was a sinner and knew that there was no other way to Him other than through the Father...not by anything I could do. That was the childlike faith that He asks us to come to Him with, and I believe I had it and He saved me when I called upon Him and asked Him to. I knew that I needed Him and that was that.

Well, because I was a PK and always in church, I got to middle school and the ridicule came. I heard it all, from thinking I was holier than everybody (which I didn't), that I was so religious (which I hate religion- I love Christianity- there is a difference), that I wasn't invited to this or that because of who my dad was, that I couldn't be apart of this or hear or do this because I probably wasn't allowed to; you name it, I heard and saw it, and although it is so petty looking back, I fell for it then. I thought I had to prove everybody wrong and be the exact opposite of what they thought. I made it my life's ambition over the next several years to try to NOT live up to what all they were saying. And for the most part, I was able to be involved in my youth group in and out (I remember being committed at a time, but that didn't always stick), and yet do the same ole thing, remaining unchanged.

So by the time I graduated High School, I wasn't near as severe, but I wasn't as sold out as I should have been either. I had a Christian fiance, thank God, but didn't appreciate it as much as I do now. To be unequally yoked would have to be abou the hardest thing I could think of. So, we got married, we each taught Sunday School (children and pre teens), he sang in the choir, we were faithful in Church. But the actual growing and maturing in Christ, the bearing of the fruits, weren't always the most important and always evident.

I very detailed have led you up to this point to say that I was in church all my life, knowing all the answers, accepting Christ at a young age, growing as a child into a teenager and choosing the world instead of growing and committing my life to Him, getting married and beginning my life while still being lukewarm at times, and then not until about 4 years ago did I begin to question my whole life, even my salvation.

I remembered what I did as a child, but I did (and still do sometimes) feel guilty about not having made my life count all those years. I knew that I didn't follow through with what a believer is supposed to do, and that is to change from your old ways because you are a new creature! I hope this is understandable of why one may think this way, but if not, I nailed it down then anyway and publicly professed it just to make sure I knew that I knew. I had a whole church body holding me accountable to me realizing that I had never made my life count after salvation, that I had been lukewarm, that I now needed to serve Him and make Him Lord, not just Savior. I feel that I did just that. I have realized time and time again, that salvation is not a certain worded prayer, that it is a heart issue. My dad had reminded me that no 2 salvations are exactly alike. People say it different ways when praying to Him. It's not an actual "come into my heart" prayer for everybody like I did at 5 years of age. Since then, I have committed my life to Him (while continuing to not let Him always be LORD, like He should) and know that I know that I will be in Heaven with Him one day. Satan has tried several times to discourage me and make me wonder again, but I always take it to the Lord and remind myself of what I believe and what I've done. (I have found vocally rebuking Satan is actually very helpful!)

So, if you're actually still reading this novel (thank you), I'm getting to my point, I promise. I feel like there is constant spiritual warfare going on...especially in my own life lately. What is spiritual warfare? I found a pretty good description of what I was trying to put into words at www.allaboutfollowingjesus.org and wanted to share it:

Spiritual Warfare: What is it?
Spiritual warfare exists in the unseen, supernatural dimension, where God is all-powerful and Satan is in revolt. As any Christian soon discovers, although spiritual warfare is unseen, it’s absolutely real. The Bible speaks of spiritual warfare in many places, but most directly in Ephesians 6:12, where Paul speaks of putting on the full armor of God:

“For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.”

Spiritual Warfare: How Do We Go Into Battle as Christians?
Spiritual warfare is an image that many of us would rather reject. However, since the Bible uses terms of warfare, it’s best that we accept God’s imagery, so that we’re properly prepared for real battle. As Christians, we’re going through more than a mere “struggle” on earth – and its seems that war imagery captures this reality better than anything else. Since it’s warfare, God instructs Christians to use a very specific set of armor and weapons in Ephesians 6:14-18:

“Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness; And your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace; Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God: Praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit...”

God’s list of weaponry is rather unique – these are “weapons of peace.”

Throughout the Bible, you will find examples of God’s weaponry in action. For instance, King Jehoshaphat sent out praise singers in front of his soldiers to cause disarray among the enemy; Joshua used singing and trumpets to bring down the great city of Jericho; and what better example of using faith in battle than David fighting Goliath with a slingshot. Of course, the lesson in all these examples (as in all spiritual warfare today) is that it’s only God who allows us to claim victory over evil!

Spiritual Warfare: Be Strong in the Lord
Spiritual warfare is a reality of the Christian life. But remember, we know the ending – our side wins. Since the Devil has already lost, he has nothing to lose in trying to take as many people with him in defeat. Therefore:

“Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord, and in the power of His might. Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil.” (Ephesians 6:10-11).

I have a lot more I want to share, but for now just wanted to share my testimony because I don't think I have with my blog readers, and also introduce something that is weighing heavy on my heart and mind. I am having the TIME OF MY LIFE as I have joined the ladies at our church in doing an awesome, new Beth Moore study, "Stepping Up," and I encourage EVERY lady to participate if at all possible. Since starting a personal, deep, daily study, "life" has hit me...from lots of different directions. Satan doesn't want me going deeper and growing with Him. Yes, I hide it well. I wear lots of "makeup" and "thick clothes" to hide my innermost hurts, fears, and pains, and I don't open up very easily believe it or not.

Satan has attacked me from different angles, being the clever thief that he is, trying to fill my head with lies, making me feel worthless and attacking those I love the most, too. Throughout these attacks, I am SO glad to say that I haven't given up or given in. Have I felt like it? Yep, as a matter of fact, I just told a friend today, "I'm just getting tired of it all. I'm trying, really trying, but I'm getting plain worn out." Faithfulness isn't about trying until it gets easy again though, is it? WOW. Hit me like a ton of bricks. It's about persevering through it all, no matter how hard the road to travel.

I also told someone at the beginning of this study that I feel like I shouldn't even be doing it because of stuff I'm going through (like it's all too much right now), but thankfully, they were wise enough to tell me that "No, this is actually the perfect time that you need to be doing this study, because God wants to grow you even more through it; He doesn't expect your life to be free of chaos and THEN you do this in depth study." WOW. Again, hit me like a load of 'em. Same thing as salvation; God does the picking up and dusting off, cleaning us up and making us new. He doesn't expect us to come to Him ONCE we've done it and achieved it ourselves; it's impossible.

So, if I've left you hanging, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to. I will be updating more on what's on my heart and mind soon. If you got this far, thanks for persevering yourself and reading such an unexpected long post. Have a good rest of the week.

Please Help...

2008-06-26T12:00:00.008-05:00

I am asking for some help with a very important cause. I have already asked some of our close friends and people we go to church with, but now I am also asking people I have not ever met in person, but know that they have been so loving and generous to our family through such a difficult time in our lives. I have seen and felt the generosity and kindness from complete strangers until it absolutely overwhelmed me! I am asking for your generosity to now help benefit a very important cause here locally in the Huntsville area. Let me explain.

When Tori was born, she was 1 lb 9 oz and was lacking the ability to be able to maintain her own body temperature. There were a lot of things that were still underdeveloped and not completely done forming yet. For example, I remember that when she was born, the cartilage in her ears had not formed yet, so her little ears would fold over if she layed on them for too long. Her lungs were not fully developed causing her to be on the vent for the first 5 days of life and after that on a CPAP and nasal canula until she became sick again. She was then put back on the vent in Nashville. Because of her prematurity, she also had to be fed through a line in her belly button for a week or two and then through a tube in her mouth because she did not have a sucking reflex yet.

Probably one of the most important things I mentioned that were very premature, was her inability to keep her body warm on her own. The beds they put them in are VERY warm until we as parents would get hot sitting beside her for hours on end. That is how much help they need to keep their body temp up. I remember being told our first week in the NICU that she was in a Giraffe Omnibed. I thought "Okay, that's great," but didn't truly understand the difference in those and the other beds there. I soon found out, though.

Her bed kept her body temp just where it should be, and with her temp probe, it would alert the bed if she was getting too cold, causing an alarm to sound and the temp would be adjusted. The other neat part about it is that it has two doors on both sides allowing nurses, doctors and parents to be able to get to the baby without having to always take her out and risk her getting cold. That is why it was very rare that I held her and she was 2 weeks old before I ever did. If she did need to be gotten to quicker than that, though, the top electrically comes up and the baby is right there at easy access. There is a foot pedal at the bottom that electrically moved the bed up and down to put the bed at just the right heighth for whoever needed a good view of the baby as they changed a diaper, took her temp, etc.

Because these beds are over $40,000 each, Huntsville is trying to purchase these beds as funds are raised through things like Swim For Melissa. You can go to Amy George's blog and read more about her story in case you haven't heard it. Three years ago, she had twins and they were in the Huntsville NICU. Ann Catherine survived, but Melissa did not. Now in Melissa's memory, she raises money for these lifesaving beds that helped babies as tiny as mine and hers!

My dad had emailed and later met Amy after Tori was born, thanking her for the work she is doing and providing these awesome pieces of lifesaving equipment for babies like ours. We never even knew what a Giraffe Omnibed was, much less did we think we'd ever have to use one!

I desire even more so to see more of these purchased for HH NICU because of the situation I saw while we were there. The tiniest and most critical babies got these beds first, and what if there was another baby a little bigger that needed one just as much? Well, let's work together to alleviate that dilemma.

We have personally set a goal of $1500 and I believe we can reach it. We donated the first $10 and I am asking for another 139 people to donate $10 to reach the rest of our goal. I have had a few people already donate more than that, and that was a great start! We have 44 days left to raise the rest of our goal, will you sacrifice a couple of fast food meals this week and give your $10 to this great cause instead? I understand as well as anyone that money is tight and the cost of gas, food, etc. are rising daily. But I know that I could afford at least $10 to give to this very worthy cause.

I am personally doing this in memory of my sweet baby Tori. She was able to survive as long as she did because of equipment like these beds. I want another baby to have that same opportunity, too. If you will click on the link below and donate on the screen under our goal. When you're done, please forward this link to your family and friends and ask them to donate as well. I thank you in advance for helping us. It means a lot to me!

Tori's "Swim for Melissa" donation page:
https://www.swimformelissa.org/mypage.php?p=13

"Long time, no see"

2008-06-24T21:57:00.002-05:00

I have had several emails written over these past 10 days asking if everything is okay here because I haven't posted anything. I guess when a regular blogger doesn't post in over a week, one might be curious as to why. So, if you were worried for any reason, don't be, I was simply on a mini vacation! :) Yep, that's right! Two days after I wrote last, I went with a friend of mine and our kids to her hometown in MS for a week. We just hung out with her family while our kids had a blast getting spoiled by the grand and adopted grandparents! :)

We then ventured to Birmingham on our way back and went to a water park, Alabama Adventures (some of you may know it), and again, the kids had a blast! It is so much fun to just see Savannah having the time of her life! I watch her and soak it all up knowing she won't be this little forever. I also think of Tori a lot and what she would be like at that age. I have lots of bittersweet feelings and thoughts all at once the more Savannah grows and enjoys life, although it is without her sister along for it all.

I watched Savannah love on a baby today at the church I'm working at, and she rubbed her arms, her legs, held her hand, kissed her hand and said "momma, look at me loving this baby!" It is a neat thing for her to experience, but all the time I'm thinking in my mind, "yes, baby, I see you loving on her. And I wish to God that you had your baby sister here to do that with everyday." She doesn't understand it all, so I never do say that, but it crosses my mind. I just want her to be able to know and love that precious baby that was here on this earth for almost 6 months. I want her to know that she had a sister, that was just like that precious little baby she was loving on today.

On another note, I am beginning the newest Beth Moore Bible Study with a wonderful group of ladies within our church. I was out last week due to vacation, so today was my first time to be present in class. I thoroughly enjoy Beth Moore, and encourage you to do this newest study if at all possible! Beth speaks so well and relates to exactly what women are feeling and going through until she is able to encourage you spiritually in a way you might have only dreamed possible! I cannot explain it well enough- you just need to check it out for yourself. It is called "stepping up," and I'm so looking forward to where God plans to take me through this journey. It focuses on the Psalms and I knew I always liked them, but I am reading and seeing them differently now than I ever have before!

In the Psalms there are all kinds of tones being expressed. There are complaints being said to God, there are sorrows being expressed, there are praises to His name for His wonderful works, there is sadness over losses, their is comfort and security and many more. I don't see how anyone could not read Psalms and there not be a specific verse (or probably more than one) that is fitting for them in their current journey in this life. I found several.

On yet another note, I am really burdended for quite a few people at this time. I made several friends throughout this journey with Tori, some of whom I've never even met in person, but know through an email relationship. Nonetheless, these people are dear to my heart because they cared enough for me and my sweet baby girl and they prayed me through the most difficult time in my life. One of those people is a friend of mine, Natashya, and her family. They got together at their church and had a prayer time one day where Tori was covered in prayer at a critical point. Her family were great prayer warriors on Tori's behalf. Many of my readers probably know her and the situation at hand, but if you don't, let me share as best as I can and ask you to pray.

Natashya's mom had been sick and they then thought she had a bad gallbladder infection, so they went in to take the gallbladder out hoping to solve the problem. While doing this surgery, the doctor discovers what he thinks may be liver cancer. Just to be honest, I am appalled at this the first time of hearing it all! I was one of those psalmists complaining at first. I think, no, Lord! This family has been an encouragement to me and I do not want them to suffer or feel the pain I have felt!! I begin to weep and pray. It really, really burdened me for some reason.

I then think about my best friends in Dothan, and his dad, having to have major surgery at UAB, when doctors in Dothan were very worried for his life. He has come through surgery and I thank the many of you within our church and other friends of mine for praying for him. Please continue to pray for him as this major heart surgery has changed a lot in his day to day life. We are thankful for the doctors ability to do the surgery well, but we ask for victory and healing in his everyday life! I was very upset to first hear of this all back then, though, remembering what a blessing this entire family was to me as they prayed me through a time in my life when all I could do was lean on their prayers.

There are countless other stories I could tell, such as the Smith's who lost their daughter right after Tori died, and how their nephew died of SIDS last month at 2 months of age. Completely healthy, beautiful little baby boy. Just a horrible "accident" (but then God makes no accidents, right?). What a lot for that family to endure, losing two precious babies within weeks of each other.

I know that is just life, and things happen like this contantly in people's day to day lives, but I have to be honest and admit that I'm not always "okay with it" at first when hearing about it all. When we first learned that my dad might have cancer again, but I couldn't tell you all yet, I thought "God, you have GOT to be joking me, right??" I can't lose him, too! But somehow through all these crazy, sorrowful, sad things I mentioned, God has a purpose for each life, for each family, for each person affected by each one of these. I've said it before, but He is omnipotent, onniscient God preparing the way for our lives, and as it was reinforced to me through my Bible Study so far, He always has our best interest at heart. It may not always seem like it, but He does. That is why I was able to turn my "upsetness" and complaining into praise and thanksgiving followed by my requests being told to God.

I ask you to pray for each of these families, and also an unspoken on my heart and mind. Satan is really trying to mess with me in some ways the closer I get to my Creator, and he doesn't like it all one bit. I ask the Lord to safeguard my mind and my heart that I will be able to do things like this Bible Study without being torn down or discouraged by different things.

One last thing, I am going to begin a really organized prayer journal. I wanted to ask if there were any really urgent or serious requests like I mentioned above that you are really struggling with yourself or within your family. People have been so diligent to pray for me, until I only want to give that much back in return times 100! You can comment it so others can read it and pray for you, too, or you can email it to me and I will keep it confidential. I had someone do this awhile back and I really am glad she shared it with me and asked me to pray. Please feel like you can do the same. Love to you all. I do feel like it's been awhile.... :)

VBS

2008-06-14T10:19:00.002-05:00

We just finished up Vacation Bible School at our church and I was honored to be able to teach 3rd graders this year. When I was a child, I always said "When I grow up, I want to be a teacher, and I want to teach 3rd grade." I thought they were old enough to read and follow directions, but not "too old" yet. Well, I finally got to teach 3rd grade- little did I know that God would use me to do so in VBS!

I thoroughly enjoyed my kids- they were a great group! I probably learned just as much from them this week as they did from all of us! The majority of my group were very familiar with all the Bible stories we talked about, they knew exactly where books in the Bible were when we did something similar to Bible drills, and many shared about their salvation. I had 2 girls that did not know alot of these things, but I am thrilled to say, they accepted Jesus as their Savior on Wednesday!! I was so ecstatic to know that I will now see these 2 girls in Heaven one day, along with my sweet baby Tori!! The Lord is still using Tori's life in small ways, just as He did this week.

Tori's life and death have become so much apart of who I am, because of the experience, feelings, etc., until I can't help but think of and share it all when it comes to various issues. Especially heaven, and especially salvation. Let me explain. As the 2 girls and I talked about the plan of salvation, heaven, etc., I also shared with them that I have a baby in Heaven and that I will be able to see her again one day in her perfect body when I get there. I explained that the only way I will get to see her is because I am saved and have that relationship with Jesus Christ. I hoped that made them understand more about Heaven, that it's real, because it's a real, tangible thing I will get to experience because of what I believe and that I am saved. I know it really clicked with one of the girls about what salvation meant, that she believed everything I had taught, and that heaven seemed real because of what she told me the next day. As she was leaving the classroom, she said something I will never forget. It may not sound that profound to anyone but Tori's mother, but that's okay.

We had all clapped and celebrated hers and the other little girl's salvation and told them how excited and happy we were for them. As she was leaving the room after that, I said "Deborah, everyone is so happy for you to know that you'll be going to Heaven with us all one day!" Her reply was that she was excited too, and that she would now get to see Jesus and my baby, too. WOW. It really clicked with her. Heaven seemed untangible to her through some of the questions she was asking me that day, but when I shared what I did with her, it seemed real.

The Holy Spirit drew that little girl to the place in her heart where she knew that she needed Him. Her mother told me at Family Night that some of the questions she had had were confirmed and she was so glad that she finally understood and had accepted Him! I will pray for her, that the Lord will grow her throughout the years and remind her of this committment she made at VBS all those many years ago.

These that I shared were only 2 of 11 salvations this week, PRAISE THE LORD!! All of the hard work decorating, planning lessons, craft preparation, snack donations, everything done by any of our volunteers this year helped plant a seed in these 11 children's lives. I am humbled that the Lord allowed me to be apart of it all. I look forward to next year!!

March 8, 2008

2008-06-09T21:58:00.003-05:00

As I've told you before, I am working 4 days a week this summer at a church here in town watching their 2 year olds. I am there for 4 hours in the afternoon and relieve the all day people. At that time, a baby teacher leaves, too, and there are usually 1-2 babies left. I have now held a baby since being there and today I held a different baby. She seemed really tiny, like she couldn't possibly be but a few months old, but I didn't really know just how old. I studied her chubby little feet, with the tiniest toes squirming around. I looked at her hands, they were so tiny. I hadn't seen hands and feet this tiny, this close up, since Tori's. It was so neat to look at them, and yet so hard in a sense. I asked one of the girls how old she was, and she had just seen something that day saying that her birthday was March 8, 2008. My heart sank. I thought back to that snowy day in Nashville, and how dreadfully cold it was that day. It was snowing in March! I didn't remember the date because of the snow, though; but instead because it was the day that my baby girl saw Heaven for the first time!

I thought back to that morning, and how I saw her that last time, that last hour, that last minute, taking her last breath. I thought about how this baby took her first breath, her first cry, her entrance into this world the same day that a baby an hour and a half away was taking her last. I was reminded of the song we sing that I love so much...."He gives and takes away, He gives and takes away, my heart will choose to say, Lord, blessed be your name!" I realized that I was holding a baby that came into this world on the same day that I felt like mine was falling apart. What gave this baby more of a reason to stay here rather than Tori? I'll probably never fully know that answer until I reach heaven. I would be lying if I said that thought didn't enter my mind, though.

All I do know is that His word is true and He promises to never leave me nor forsake me when He does see fit to take away. Do I understand it all? No. Is it easy to accept everyday? No. Do I praise Him anyway? YES. Do I know that He has a plan for my life, for Tori's, even for this baby that I was holding today? Yes. He has a plan for each of us. Some may call it coincidence, but I think of things like this happening today as blessings...in the midst of my storm. There are little things like this everyday that teach me mini lessons, even when I'm not expecting them. I was thankful, as well as sad at the same time, when all this rushed into my mind this afternoon.

I was also faced with something else today, and I hope to explain more in the upcoming days, of why God would "take away" someone we love if He is such a caring, loving God. Try explaining this to a nonbeliever, or even someone who may be a believer, but is so blinded with anger, hurt, confusion and doubt in such a dark time.

I found out today that I work with the sister of a girl who was killed a few weeks ago on Jeff Rd. She was in a bad car accident and was killed instantly. She and her husband had just bought "church clothes" that week, with them all layed out to go to our church the next day. He ended up wearing his new suit and tie to her funeral instead. They have a 1 and 3 year old. He is very angry and upset with God right now. The sister put it to me that He wants to know why a loving God would take away a 25 year old wife and mother? She was going back to school, had lots of plans and her whole life ahead of her. In that moment, as I listened to what she was saying, I felt his pain. I was mad, too, that my daughter will never have the chance to go to her first day of kindergarten, lose her first tooth, paint her first picture, have her first sleepover, go on her first date, get married or ever have children of her own. I felt his anger, but Higher than that, I felt a peace that He doesn't have in his life.

The ironic thing to all this is that my dad preached her funeral. They asked my dad to do it, because they had planned to come to our church and hear my dad speak that next day. Unfortunately, she was killed before she was ever able to come and hear the good news. She may or may not have accepted Christ as her savior, but as far as we know, she had not. She desired to be there, wanting something different for her life, though. Sadly, so sadly, she didn't have long enough.

We may never know the day that it may be our last, or our neighbor's, or a family members. We never know when He may allow things to happen in our lives and "take away," but how will we respond if and when that happens? I had to explain to her briefly, but will share more in the future for sure, that although He "allowed" it to happen, things like this ultimately happen because of the sinful world we live in. Yes, I fully believe God could have prevented that wreck and spared her life. I fully believe that He could have healed Tori's body and made her a completely healthy baby girl. However, He did not see fit to do either of those. He chooses to give, just as he did with this baby's life that I held today, and He chooses to take away, just as he did with this wife and mother and Tori.

I ask for earnest prayer that the Lord will prepare my words, my path and my direction in the days ahead...that He will ordain every word and action as I speak about His love despite all the bad things, the pain, the heartache and trials in this life. I would love to see this man come to Christ, knowing that it was not the Lord's "ungoodness" for this happening, but instead let him know that He is a God who loves him, wanting to wrap him in his arms and be there for him and his 2 children during this time.

The extended family of the lady killed visited our church Sunday. They wanted to see where and what she was wanting to go for. I pray that the Lord will work in their lives as a family over these next several weeks. I know that March 8, 2008 was not in vain. I know that the Lord had something greater in mind when he called Tori home. I know that she heard Him calling, and she went to be with Him. Unfortunately, I can't say for sure that this dear lady is in Heaven tonight.

I hope that this may cause someone to wake up, allowing them to see that they don't have forever, that we never know when our last day will be our last. If you haven't accepted Him, I encourage you to tonight. If you have, join me in prayer for this man and his family that they can experience what we have. I am clinging to the Lord's promises through this ever changing and emotional time in my own life...as He continues to bring things and people in my path like this that need Him...that through Tori's life, He can use me to reach. This is also what "being the Church" is all about....to those unchurched, hurting people out there. Join me in this desire to make an impact for the cause of CHRIST.

Blessed be your name
In the land that is plentiful
Where the streams of abundance flow
Blessed be your name

Blessed be your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be your name

Every blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name

Blessed be your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be
Blessed be your name

Blessed be your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be your name

Every blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, Blessed be your name

3 months

2008-06-08T21:45:00.002-05:00

Today has been 3 months since I saw my sweet baby girl with her eyes open or held her in my arms. It's been 3 months since her heart beat or her lungs took a breath. In those 3 months, I've cried, I've laughed; I've been sad, I've been happy; I've had bad days, I've had good days. I've seen good and bad things happen; I've celebrated my sisters wedding, I've found out that my dad has some health problems and been praying privately that it wasn't cancer. I've seen and felt a lot of different things to say the least. I've gotten up every day, and I've faced each one with His grace and His help. Not a day has gone by that He hasn't had to help me get through.

His peace is amazing to me. I can even see the difference in how I felt then, on that day, 3 months ago, and how I feel now. He continues to grow me and work in me as time goes by. I didn't think that was even as possible as it has been, but it is.

I miss her SO much. I look at her pictures and her locks of soft "chicken hair" and I yearn to bathe that little girl, feed her a bottle, do everything a mother is supposed to do for her baby. I see babies everywhere. I wonder if Tori would be doing what they're doing. I wonder if she would be smiling, cooing or how she may have progressed by now. I know the Lord could have healed her and had her home by now, helping her get through any setbacks if it would have been His will.

Until I see her again, I will think of her everyday, on every holiday and birthday, she will be very remembered and cherished. She was such a sweet girl that fought so hard and was so brave. She had a little personality all of her own. She was so special.

A special thank you to all of you who have shown your support to Josh and I over these past 3 months. We received hundreds of sweet cards, generous gifts and many prayers that have definitely sustained us during this time. Thank you to all my close friends who have either listened to me if I chose to talk about this all, or those who have stood by as I chose to be silent a lot of the time. Grief is never what you expect and you never know how you will respond to a loss. I'm just glad that I still got up everyday. I appreciate all of my friends' patience, support and prayers.

"Tori, I miss you so much tonight. I wish that you would have been here on your Aunt Mere's wedding day. I would have loved to have dressed you up in a little white dress to match your big sister. We still have your room just as it was when you left us, I can't bring myself to change it. Savannah, and daddy and I, still call it "tori's room" and probably always will. I wish you were here for your big sister to get to know you. She would have loved a baby to play with. She plays with a baby at her new "school" and just laughs and laughs with her. It broke my heart the first time since holding you that I held a baby again, which was about 2 weeks ago. I saw you and thought of you only. It was very difficult, but I had to do it at the moment. Now, I'm glad I did. Doing that and actually using your name everyday by talking to a little girl in my class named Tori, makes me think of you often and I think it even makes the pain a little less to bear every time. No one will ever replace you, though. Nothing will ever fill the void in my heart. You are my precious angel that I wish I could see just one more time, but I know your place is in Heaven now. I look forward to the day that I can see you again. I can't wait for your sister to meet you. Your daddy misses you and talks about you often. You are daddy's girl, just like your big sissy. I hope you know how much I fought for you, stayed by your side and loved you more than anything in this world. Much love my baby girl. Always and Forever, Momma"