I have officially entered into the blog world! :) I started a Caring Bridge page back in November 2007, which was to update on our daughter after we were transferred from Huntsville to Vanderbilt Children's Hospital in Nashville, but am now starting a blog of my own outside of that.
If you would like to get caught up on our daughter, Tori's, story and what's been happening in our lives these past 8 months, you can go back and start at the beginning of the journal on CB. Before CB and while we were still in Huntsville with Tori, I would update church family and close friends through email on a regular basis. That lasted for 2 months, but Tori's story quickly spread and the number of people to email and keep updated became too much to keep up with! I was introduced to CB by one of our nurses at Vandy because we were having so many phone calls and emails that I just couldn't answer every one of them individually to give updates. People took on our calling as Christians in a way I'd never seen before....
We had people email us daily, encouraging us and saying they were praying and that they had forwarded our story and asked others to pray as well. Tori was quickly put on about 20 church's prayer lists that I know of. There were people all over the nation and even a few across the seas praying. We were overwhelmed in amazement at all of this. That is the most IMPORTANT form of encouragement we experienced, but there were also so many other ways that our fellow believers took on the call to bear each others burdens and be Christ to one another....
We had people cut our grass while we were literally living in Nashville at the Ronald McDonald House for weeks on end. We had complete strangers come to the hospital and bring home cooked meals and even monetary gifts. Our church started a fund in Tori's name for our traveling and meal expenses, which turned into a fund for funeral expenses, and also for medical expenses which are now coming in. We had meals delivered to us and our family. We had people organize our garage (we had moved into a new house when I was pregnant with Tori, so a lot didn't get done before she got here sooner than expected). We had cards sent from all over....we hung each one in her room. Nurses and doctors said they had never seen so many cards for one small, little baby, but what they didn't know is that she was different. She was put here to leave a legacy. A legacy that I intend to talk about for her, for I am her voice now. Her little life spoke volumes to so many people. The Lord answered many prayers on her behalf, but ultimately saw fit that she would make a bigger impact by going Home to be with Him now, rather than later.
We don't understand why He chose this outcome for us. To be honest, we struggle with the WHY of it all sometimes. He knows that. He doesn't fault us for wondering why, because He knows that despite our wondering, we still trust His Hand and know that He knows best. We prayed for His will and trusted that even if it was different from what we wanted, we would accept it and have peace with it.
That is where all the prayior warriors came in on our behalf...when we were so tired and weary after months of fighting and battling with all the issues before us...people prayed for peace...and strength....and we were given just enough to get through each day. We couldn't do any of it on our own. The Holy Spirit was so obvious in my life so many times these past 8 months. There was no other explanation for things other than it was a peace that truly passed ALL understanding.
Some days I would wonder how we could keep going this way...how much could our marriage stand? We were so strained constantly having our family apart in distance and no normal routine to life whatsoever. We spent all our time and energy on Tori, away from home for so long, and yet we don't regret a second of it. We are thankful for those almost 6 months He gave us with her, despite them being the hardest times in our lives...ever.
I would give anything to be back in that Ronald McDonald House, Room 29, knowing that she was still in that hospital....on the 4th floor...in Pod C....in room 4423. THAT was our home. THAT was where my heart was. I knew the phone number to the nurse right outside her door and when I stepped out, I frequently speed dialed that number to check on her. She was our life in every possible way. We planned for her, awaited her homecoming and made her apart of our family.
Throughout these past (almost) 2 months since losing her, I have battled with many different emotions. I have felt anger and confusion- of WHY this had to happen. I have felt saddness and sorrow- that my baby girl is GONE. I have felt joy and excitement- that she IS in HEAVEN, rejoicing and praising my Lord and Savior and I WILL get to see her again! I have tried to clam up at times, not wanting to talk about any of this for fear that it will hurt too bad to do so. I have since realized that not talking about it and trying to just be "tough," doesn't allow healing to take place and my heart would become hard over something so sweet. I NEVER, EVER, EVER want Tori to be a bad memory. I must admit that I have felt that it was too painful to think about sometimes....that it felt unbearable and that I wouldn't be able to breathe if I allowed myself to really disect what's happened. I realize, though, that Tori was a gift from God, and a part of our family from the day she was conceived. Her memory will not be unbearable to talk about, but something I choose to talk about and to remember every day of my life.
Will I get sad? Of course. Will I have bad days? Yes; I've had a couple here lately as a matter of fact. But ultimately, I want Tori's life to COUNT, to mean something, to show that there IS a God who loves us and wants what's best for us. It obviously wasn't in our best interest to have Tori here for years to come, but I hope you will revisit this site as I share about things I remember from Tori's life, what all this has taught me and where I'm going from here.
This is why I chose the title I did for my blog, "Blessed in the Midst of a Storm." I have explained only a tid bit of how blessed we've been throughout this whole experience, and how much the Lord has provided and been good to us and our family. We have gone through a storm that some people would think of being the uncurable storm...the loss of a child. I know I thought so at one time. I used to say that I don't know how people get through losing a child. Well, now I do, and it's only with HIS help. No medication, physician, counselor, meeting, self help book or human being could ever fully comfort this kind of loss...this kind of pain. We have been BLESSED to know that comfort and that hope through our storm. Now I just want to post thoughts and lessons learned on Tori's behalf.
I have met and talked with many families experiencing the same types of feelings I am describing, and it is my prayer to be to future families that will feel this also, what these past families have been to me.
*For all of you who have been following Tori's story since the beginning, thank you for your continued support and your love and prayers for our family. We covet them still, and are grateful for ALL you've done throughout this journey with us.
Blessed,
Melissa
Park City Utah
2 years ago
