2 months

Well, it's been almost 2 months since i last posted! I've gone from posting daily, to every few days, to weekly, then monthly, and now 2 months...what's the deal?! Well, i'm glad you asked...so let me just tell you. :)

Well, it was the end of March when I last posted so after that, I was so busy in April with my new business, Premier Designs Jewelry, and it definitely showed, because that is my best month so far! I seemed to be on the go in April non stop. Easter also contributed to the busy times as I'm sure it did for everyone. Then came May and Mother's Day. I started to post around mother's Day, but it was a really bad week for me leading up to it, so I decided against posting because I was so emotional and it would have probably been this deep, dark post that I've done many times before, I'm sure. I know, I know, some people may say THAT'S when you need to write the most, and get your feelings out, but to be honest, that was the first time in a long time that I felt better to actually NOT get out everything I was feeling. You never know how you're going to feel with grief...even a year later after a death. Some days you're totally okay about talking about it all, and then others you're not even in the mood to think about it. It's an undescribable thing for sure.

One way that I was able to help deal with my grief more effectively is by attending a "Time for Remembering" ceremony today in honor of Tori and many other children who died last year at Vanderbilt's Children Hospital. We went to Nashville today for this ceremony and planted flowers in memory of the child we were there "remembering." There were a few names and families I knew and recognized, that had passed away before, after, or around the same time as Tori had. They were children all the way from babies like Tori, to pre teens, like Matthew Litchfield. I am sure next year they will invite Caleb Gill's family, the one I had asked you to pray for, because he passed away 9 months after his diagnosis last August. He was there in the Ronald McDonald house for awhile, which we went by today to drop off some pop tops off cans, and it was weeeeeeird. Felt like I had never left in a way. It was the same at the hospital....

Josh and I both were pretty silent a lot of the time, we didn't know how we would react or respond when we had planned to go. We hadn't been back to the hospital since the day she passed away, and it was like a lump in my throat a lot of the day until after the ceremony. We walked around the hospital and looked at everything, still the same as the day we left. It was Sunday, so I knew it wouldn't be near as crowded as it is during the week, so we walked and went to all the places we used to on a daily basis just for reminiscing sake. Savannah remembered where we were after we told her where we were walking into. She remembered riding in a wagon around the hospital, going in and kissing Tori in her bed, watching the train, and lots of other things. After being there for as long as we were, it was our home away from home for awhile so we felt right back at "Home" so to speak. The only difference was, she wasn't there.

The fact that she wasn't there kept coming to mind. When we pulled up to the place where we loaded our car with all of her many stuffed animals, clothes, blankets, cards, etc that last day when she died, I could see it all so clearly again. I wished at that moment that I could rewind time to that snowy morning and not see her heart start to slow and her breaths become slower and longer as she lay in my arms. But, that wouldn't have brought a lot of the things that the Lord has brought into my life, although i can't say that I didn't think that, even for a split second.

During the ceremony, when the chief of pediatrics spoke, he said several things that hit home to me. He talked about how he believed it took great courage for everyone to come back to this place today....this place where you saw your child take his or her's last breath, that you said your final goodbyes to, and left this place without your child going home with you...something you never thought you'd have to do. That was the truth, though...it did take great courage. My parents met us there later before the ceremony started, but all day i had already been thinking about how we all almost didn't come. We all thought it would be too much. We thought of how WE would feel. But i remember telling my mom that it wasn't right for us to not honor Tori's life by not going because of how WE would feel. Imagine if you died and no one wanted to go to a memorial ceremony and plant flowers in your memory all because of how bad or inconvenient it may be for them to feel that way for the day. I said, no, we're not going to not go. We're doing this for HER, no matter how difficult it may be. Then when he talked about that, i was like, yeah, that's exactly how we all felt...scared to come for all those reasons he mentioned.

He talked about a lot of other things, and there was a song, and special responsive litany we read aloud, all of the names were announced and i just cried when they read "Victoria Leigh Wilhoit" because I was so proud to hear my baby's name out loud over a speaker in an auditorium because it meant she had a name, a purpose, a life that touched myself and many others. She had been REAL, not something i just got upset about and cried over as a figment of my imagination. She was being honored in front of all those families, as were their babies to all of us. It was just a great time.

We then planted flowers in the Children's Garden at the hospital. It was sweet and beautiful to see everyone planting flowers in memory of their child. A note in the program talked about why do we plant flowers if they're only going to die in the winter? It went on to explain that it was the same as our child's lives...short, but meaningful, so we should plant them and let them bring beauty to others during their short time here, just as our children brought joy and beauty to ours and others lives while they were here. WOW.

So, it was a bittersweet but great day. One that I will treasure forever. I'm so appreciative to Vanderbilt for doing this for families as they continue to grieve the loss of their children. I know it meant a lot to so many other families as well.

I will try not to be so long about posting again, but need to go for now. Thanks for taking the time to "catch up" and read my blog. Hope you all are doing well. if you have a facebook and we're not friends, I check that and my email everyday if you'd like to stay in touch even when I'm not blogging. Talk to you all soon....