Last Post of 2008

Well, this is it. The final day of 2008 and my final post of the year along with it. When I started this blog, it was because Caring Bridge was more about updating on Tori's progress as we were going through everything at the hospital in Nashville. After she died, I updated for a month on there and then realized I needed something different than CB to express my feelings and thoughts as I dealt with the grief I was feeling. This blog has been a great outlet. Through it, I have "met" some wonderful people....mostly ladies who share in the grief I am experiencing and I have been able to read their blogs as well. We all share something in common: the pain you feel after losing your infant child. Each situation is different, but they are all still similar and leave us feeling the same. I've said to a few of them that I think it is so awesome that the Lord has brought us into each other's lives to uplift, encourage and pray for one another through the hardest thing we've ever endured. When I was pregnant with Tori, I expected to have a normal pregnancy, normal birth and normal childhood just like Savannah's. Never did I think that a year later, I would be corresponding with mothers who have lost their babies or talking with my friends and family about the pain I've been feeling through a blog.

I can attest to the fact that we never know what the Lord has in store for us and what He can make out of our heartbreaks, difficulties, or tragedies. I am excited, scared, apprehensive, and yet feel total peace about what the Lord has in store for me in 2009 and years to come. I so badly want to be a loving and supportive wife, mother to a few children, a reliable and trustworthy friend, and overall, the woman that He wants me to be in my career, etc. I want to be sensitive to what He has for me, and commit to spend more time falling in love with Him this next year so that our relationship is even sweeter and blessings are overflowing! Yes, blessings! Have you ever prayed the Prayer of Jabez? It was a popular book several years ago, and before some of the points in it, I always thought it odd to pray for blessings for yourself, but God's word clearly elaborates. Read below:

"And Jabez called on the God of Israel saying, "Oh that You would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evil, that I may not cause pain!" So God granted him what he requested." 1 Chronicles 4:9-10(NKJV)

It's not praying and asking God to give you whatever you want, a formula for success, or even that if you pray it, God will give you all the desires of your heart. I mentioned in a couple of posts ago that the Lord has shaped HIS desires into being my own. What I wanted, my desires, with Tori's life, didn't happen. However, He has changed my desires to be the same as His and my mindset is changing. He has poured out his BLESSINGS on me in that aspect. We have nice cars, a nice home, etc., but it's not the tangible, materialistic blessings that I am talking about praying for. Praying a chant, believing that God is going to give you everything your heart desires if you do, is misleading. We could go into lots of theological issues here, but back to my point....make your prayer that of Jabez's this next year and as you honor the Lord with your life, even in your heartaches, see if you don't see your "territory enlarged and His hand with you" through it all.

A New Year

Well, I specifically remember writing on CB at this time last year saying that I could not wait to see 2007 go and bring in 2008 in hopes of a better year. Only a few months after writing that, my daughter passed away. That is not what I had hoped or expected 2008 to bring, but it did. 2008 will be a year I will never forget. It has been full of many ups and downs for me and my family. We have been tested, discouraged, uplifted, encouraged, saddened, depressed, happy, glad, thankful, and so many more emotions that don't quite grasp what I have felt in a matter of 12 months. I am thankful for 2008 just the same, for it has been a pivotal year in my life and taught me many things about my relationship with God as well as others. It has strengthened me through various circumstances, and left me feeling very down on other days. In sad or happy times, though, this past year has helped shape me into the person I am today. Some things I want to change or strengthen, but nevertheless, I am who I am today because of things that have happened in 2008.

Am I ready for a new year, though? A fresh start? Something better? You bet. I feel like I need a "facelift," a "pick me up." It reminds me of what my dad was saying this morning about not ever being content with what and how we are today, but instead focus on changing, growing and getting "better." He said it well by saying that we should constantly be accepting change in our life, never trying to focus on the past but instead on the future. For there is no FAITH in looking to the past, but there is when looking towards the future. There is also no HOPE if you dwell on the past, but there is for the future. I am determined to "step out" this next year....out of my comfort zone and in faith. I know God has some big things in store for me and my family, and I want to see Him continue to work in our lives in 2009.

I wanted to mention something that has been on my heart and mind. I know I don't have to justify this to anyone, because what people think really doesn't matter, but for my own sake, I wanted to say this in love.
It has been said before along the lines of that because Tori didn't come home from the hospital like most babies, that because she didn't get to do things like most babies, that she was "handicapped" or that her quality of life made her like a vegetable, meaning that it was better off that she went to be with Jesus despite it being hard, sad or difficult on us.

Let me clarify.........Tori was born 12 weeks early, that's 3 months, and although she was very tiny, she was NOT handicapped or anything wrong with her at birth. Her body was completely formed, although her systems were premature, she just had to play catch up and grow, but mentally, nothing was wrong with her. As she got older, she would respond to my voice, watch her mobile, "cry," interact by holding our hands and many more things, as much as tolerated, despite her getting sick. Yes, because she was in the hospital so long, her motor skills were not that of a regular baby her age because she couldn't get up and play, but she was not mentally retarded, a vegetable, or anything of the sort.

She became sick because she had been on nutritional support for so long due to not keeping down her food well enough. That made her sicker. That was the root issue and what caused everything, not a handicap or disease. She was a baby with a personality, a human being who loved to be loved on, and had specific likes and dislikes that made her happy or mad just like all babies, and knew who her mommy and daddy were!!

I just felt the need to clear this up because I never thought people may have viewed her as this, because I assumed they knew her as I did, but they didn't. Some close friends and family got to see and hold her, but not the majority of our church family, friends, etc. Her death was just like any other death....a stillborn infant, a child that died from cancer, a teenager in a car crash, a husband that died from a heart attack, a mom that died from breast cancer, or any other death. Every situation named is different, but her death had the same result and feeling on our hearts.

Just because she never left the hospital (because she got sick) does not mean she never had a chance at a good quality of life. She never had any brain bleeds, bowel obstructions, heart problems, or tons of other things that most preemies face. She was completely healthy, just very tiny and never could tolerate feedings because of it. Until you are around it all the time, you can't possibly understand the full aspect of it. I sure didn't until NICU life. Anyway, I was just thinking about this and wanted to mention it. Sorry for turning this post into a novel, but thanks for taking the time to read.

I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas and will have a blessed New Year. Remember to keep Christ at the center of everything, and it shouldn't be a problem....no matter what obstacles you face....I promise. It won't be easy, and you will mess up and fall down, but His grace is there to see you through if you will call on Him and let Him be your all in all.

"Be Still and Know That I Am God"

The above title is not something I am very good at...'being still.' I have been really discouraged, depressed, down in the dumps, whatever you want to call it, the closer it's gotten to Christmas it seems. It's not a constant feeling, but it comes and goes more than usual lately. I really think it is in anticipation of Christmas and all that the holiday season brings with the lack of having Tori here, and it is really taking a toll on me emotionally. I now understand why they say the holidays can be some of the hardest/worst times of the year for people. I truly never understood that until now.

So, this morning I had a mini breakdown about it all. Something specific triggered it, but once the tears started, I couldn't stop. I texted my group of special-heaven sent-prayer warrior-loving friends and asked them to say a prayer for me, that it was a tough day already. I have great girlfriends that have been there through this whole tragedy and I am so blessed to have them. I also called my mom and shared my heart with her. We can have our disagreements, but she is always there to listen when I need a friend. Her wisdom always comes in handy (although you never want to admit that to your mother...ha,ha,ha!) and she said when she feels the way I'm feeling about Tori, that she has to go "get alone with God, be still and quiet, and pour her heart out to Him, asking Him to remind her of all the blessings He's given." Something I knew I should do, but I was hurt and hadn't turned to Him first this morning but vented to others instead. It's okay to talk to others about our hurts, but He should definitely be our ultimate source of comfort over anyone else.

So, I got to thinking about it, and I went to Tori's room, shut the door, and I began pouring my heart out to Him. As I looked around her room at all her pictures, her stuffed animals, her blankets and her outfits, I was reminded of something I thought of that morning. Six of our Christmas cards hanging up this year are from people we met through Tori's life. Those are six lives or families that were somehow touched, impacted or simply brought into our lives through my precious baby girl's life that God blessed us with. Although that fact doesn't take away my pain or bring her back, knowing these people, and many more, through this tragedy has enriched my life. I have lifelong friends that have blossomed into wonderful friendships and I will cherish them always and how our relationship came to be. All of the memories I have of Tori are more than some mothers ever get to have unfortunately, but I am thankful for the six months I had with her. Although she was in pain and not healthy the whole time, we formed a bond that only mother's and their babies can have. I am thankful beyond words for that.

I asked the Lord this morning (as I have countless times before) to heal mine and Josh's broken hearts, to comfort us and give us continued peace. In my last post, I said that I will have to take comfort in knowing that He knew better than I did for the plan of Tori's life, but it doesn't stop there. Not only did He know better than I did, but He is helping me accept His plan as my own. Let me explain. I have prayed before that my desires will be His, and although Tori dying was not my desire, He is teaching me through each hard day like today that His will was carried out and that I want what He wants. That does NOT mean I wanted my daughter to die, but it simply means that I want SO badly to give of myself and my desires, that I want to sarcifice any desire I might have over Him, and put it to the backseat compared to what He has planned. I want a baby girl like a lot of my friends have. I want two girls to celebrate Christmas together this year. I want a family of four and it to feel "complete" in our home. I want this hole in my heart to be filled. I want Tori back. But if I truly mean what I say I believe, I will willingly sacrifice those desires and ultimately accept His instead.

Am I always this selfless in my thinking?! Unfortunately not. It's a growing process, something that it takes a lot of heartache and conviction to bring me to this place. It definitely isn't the best travel, but the journey is worth the end result, I'm sure. Like I told my mom this morning, I'm just ready to see what the end result of all this is....the joy that comes in the morning....because it just doesn't all make sense. That probably won't happen until I reach heaven, though, so I will have to wait. Things like knowing the people (some of you) that sent us Christmas cards and correspond with me regularly now, help with that waiting, though.

Thank you for listening, and I urge you to "be still and know that He is God." Really. It's not just a cliche saying. It's real and it works. All of the pain in my heart isn't gone after this morning, but talking to Him did remind me of a lot of the blessings in my life, a major one being Savannah, and then lots of other things He's done and worked in my life these past two years and before. Like I said, I'm not "STILL" near enough with the hussle and bussle of our busy lives, but man when I am, the outcome is sweet.

My First Christmas in Heaven

I read this as I was trying to stay optimistic about not having Tori here for Christmas this year. I wanted to share it with all of you who may have lost a child or a loved one since last Christmas. All I can say is that at least they're not suffering anymore and that comforts my heart. However, it would comfort my heart even more to have her whole and here with me. I will have to hang onto the hope that He knew better than I did, though.

I see the countless Christmas trees,
around the world below.
With tiny lights, like Heaven's stars,
reflecting on the snow.

The sight is so spectacular,
please wipe away the tear.
For I am spending Christmas,
with Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs,
that people hold so dear.
But the sounds of music can't compare,
with the Christmas choir up here.

I have no words to tell you,
the joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description,
to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me,
I see the pain inside your heart.
But I am not so far away,
We really aren't apart.

So be happy for me, dear ones,
You know I hold you dear.
And be glad I'm spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.

I sent you each a special gift,
from my heavenly home above.
I sent you each a memory,
of my undying love.

After all, love is a gift more precious,
than the purest gold.
It was always most important,
in the stories Jesus told.

Please love and keep each other,
my Father said to do.
I can't count the blessing or love,
He has for each of you.

So have a Merry Christmas,
and wipe away that tear.
Remember, I am spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.

Author Unknown

Prayer for a NICU Baby

A nurse and friend of mine introduced me to Reed Putman via his caring bridge page and I'd like to ask all you faithful prayer warriors to pray for little Reed. His parents are Christians and are praying that God does a work in little Reed's body as he is having a lot of similiar struggles that Tori had this time last year. To read his mom's journal brought back a lot of memories of how Tori looked with all the fluid and remembering things like changing such tiny diapers, etc.



(This picture is of Tori before she started to get sick last November. This is before all the fluid build up when she could still wear the tiny diapers.)

It seems like no time ago that was US there in the NICU praying and hoping for a miracle as we sat by our daughter's bedside day in and day out. You don't ever think about this being the way children enter this world, but everyday there are babies born early like this, facing complications due to prematurity. This is why it's so important to be involved in things like the Melissa George Fund where lifesaving equipment is bought for the NICU because you never know if it is going to be YOU or someone you know that may need it one day.



(This is how tiny some babies start out. This was Tori's hand holding my finger.)

Please visit Reed's page and pray for him and his family. As we celebrate Christmas this year, I think of all the families who will spend it in the hospital with their children instead of at home. If you have a healthy baby that came home from the hospital with you, count your blessings and hug them a little tighter.

www.caringbridge.org/visit/reedputman



(This is our family at Christmas time in the hospital last year. Many families spend the holidays with their children in the hospital each year.)

Stressed Out and Sleep Deprived

I know everyone has busy, stressful things happening or going on in their lives, and mine is nothing more important than yours, but I feel out of the ordinary stressed out lately. It's from the smallest things to the biggest things, most of which I don't have a lot of control over. Some are legitimate things to be concerned about, but I've always been a worry wart and am doing so more than ever it seems! To top it all off, I am not sleeping well either, so instead of relying on Ambien, I would like to try other alternatives. Anyone have any suggestions that has the same problem?? Reading scripture is always a good idea. Any other ideas are welcome.

Through my grief counseling, we have also talked about my anxiety level after Tori's loss because it seems to be at an all time high since she's died. So through prayer, medication, trying to stay positive, etc., I am trying to overcome this worrisome spirit! However, I am not succeeding very well today, and so I thought, what better way than to ask my blog readers to say a prayer for me...that my nerves will be calmed, that I won't worry, but instead let God handle things, and keep thinking positively.

On another note, my sister is coming home from Japan today for Christmas! We are all so excited! For those who don't know, she got married in May and moved to Japan where her husband is stationed in the Air Force. She will be home for 2 weeks and we are all looking forward to it! SO, we are off to the airport this afternoon to pick her up! She has requested one of our favorite Mexican restaraunts for dinner and then we're off to a live nativity! It should be a good night as we welcome her home (and hopefully stress free..lol)!! :)

Thanks for the prayers. Have a good weekend.

Happy Holidays

I picked a new background because I really liked the style of it. It's simple and yet has just the right flair I was looking for! The only thing that I wanted to mention is that it says HAPPY HOLIDAYS instead of MERRY CHRISTMAS. Now I remember when we used to say HAPPY HOLIDAYS and a second thought was never given. However, with the day and age we live in, people are trying to take CHRIST out of everything, so we as Christians try to make sure we say MERRY CHRISTMAS vs. HAPPY HOLIDAYS now. It's sad that it's come to that, because I really liked to say "Happy Holidays," because it sums up Christmas and New Years, is quicker, and even has a nice ring to it. I try to always emphasize Merry Christmas now, though.

I really enjoy the Christmas classic, "Happy Holidays, Happy Holidays, Happy Holidaaaaaays...toooooooo....yoooooooouuuu!" I hope you know the one I'm singing in my head :) So, please know that I wish you a very MERRY Christmas, as well as Happy Holidays, but first and foremost, the reason we celebrate this time of year is because of CHRIST and that will NEVER be taken out of Christmas for me!! BTW- don't these people that hate CHRIST in CHRISTMAS know that they can change all the commercials and stores to say "Season's Greetings" or "Happy Holidays" but they still haven't changed the calendar to December 25th to read HOLIDAY or anything other than CHRISTMAS. That's what it was when they celebrated as a child, and what it always will be! :)

**P.S. It's sad that the above cartoon may become a reality one day and already is in some places!!! I read about how some people aren't allowed to say MERRY CHRISTMAS in their workplace. I think I'd find a new job. Pronto. No ifs, ands, or buts about it.

Heaven Sent Friends

You've probably heard the term before..."she/he is heaven sent, a treasure from above." Well, I have been blessed with several "heaven sent friends" and they mean so much to me. I try not to take them for granted. I realize how much they mean to me, especially at this time of the year, and how blessed I am to have them in my life.

I have friends like Shannon, whom I've never met, only corresponded with via email but feel like I know her and Lord willing, one day I will. She found Tori's story back in the beginning and has followed it daily, praying for her and encouraging me along the way. She has met others through my blog and even attended a Bible study done by of one of the ladies on my blog, Angie (the Beth Moore, Stepping Up study I did this past summer) and I know she was blessed through that.

Tori's legacy didn't stop with people who heard and were impacted by her story alone. Her life, and me being able to share it with others, led those people to other people, and they were then touched down the road long after Tori was gone. That is so awesome to me. It encourages a grieving mother's heart in ways words can't express. Shannon sent me the most precious ornament last week that I will cherish always. I want to publicly say thank you, Shannon, for it meant so much to me when I opened the package and really thought about the meaning. You can see the ornament below:



It reads: "You may miss me, but I'm spending Christmas with Jesus this year." WOW- is all I could say for I was speechless when I opened it. Someone who has never met me in person, saw this and said they thought of Tori, and then took the time to mail it to me. It made me stop and imagine the greatest Christmas ever- when we will stand face to face with Him and celebrate Him all day long. Wouldn't that be THE best Christmas ever?? How sad it is for me some days and I get down in the dumps, but it's things like this that lift my spirits back up. Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart for your encouragement so many times, Shannon.

I have other friends like Jill, whom I've known since middle school, and she can always make me laugh! She wrote "Tori's thoughts" to add a little smile to my updates on caringbridge and so many people were able to smile, too. She is definitely the ideal HAPPY person, easygoing (as well as outgoing), and encourages me with her positive outlook on life. She always listens to my negatives, any venting I need to do, and never criticizes me in return. To have the gift of JOY like she does, I would think by now she would have gotten tired of hearing my disappointments, hurts and fears, but she never complains, just helps me smile and laugh through it all! Thank you, Jilly, I love you!

I have older friends where age doesn't matter to me AT ALL. Not all my friends are in their 20's, in fact, the majority of our friends have always been older than us. Our kids are not the same age, we're not at the same stage in life, and the fact that they are wiser and more experienced probably helps me a lot. Deborah, (whom I blogged about, her and her family, on Thanksgiving), is like a second mother and yet a friend to me of the truest kind. I have never known a better servant's heart nor kinder spirit than hers. The list could go on here with friends in this category. I have several older friends, yet they are very close to me until age means nothing. I am so blessed to have all of them in my life.

Why did I blog about this? Am I trying to get brownie points with these select few I mentioned? Heaven's, no! Let me get to my point...there are friends that we may not have ever met if you've been in a situation like me...but they are someone who has prayed for and with you, a kindred spirit; there are friends you've known since you were a kid, and you can tell all your deepest, darkest secrets to and be accepted anyway; then there are friends that have come into your life more recently than others, some that may be at different stages in life than you, but you still have much in common. Why do you think the Lord puts each unique, individual person in your life? Is it coincidence? Does it happen by chance? I don't think so.

I have always had a lot of acquaintances, but only a handful of good friends. Good, loyal, true friendships are hard to build and even harder to keep...and if you guard your heart like I have, it's even harder. It's not until going through what I've been through with Tori and the aftermath of it all, that I've realized who my true friends are. Reminds me of the country song, "You Find out who your friends are." If you can stand a country song, listen to the lyrics below.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vk1mxUKiTN8&feature=related

My point is that I cherish the friendships that the Lord has placed in my life (all of you!!), and more importantly, I see what I want to be to others in a friendship. I'll never be the perfect friend. I may forget to send a card for their birthday, be in a bad mood some days, not return their call until a few days later, or even make them upset about something, but I want to be aware of these things and take good care of the friendships I have. Kind of like taking care of my car. I want to make sure I get the oil changed and the tires rotated and balanced to keep it running good. The same thing with my friendships.

I want to say THANK YOU to all of you for being my friend, no matter what level or type of friendship we share. I am thankful for you, and your friendship is one of the greatest gifts I treasure at Christmas!

"A friend loves at all times and a brother is born for adversity." Proverbs 17:17

Merry Christmas from the Wilhoit Elves

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