"Be Still and Know That I Am God"

The above title is not something I am very good at...'being still.' I have been really discouraged, depressed, down in the dumps, whatever you want to call it, the closer it's gotten to Christmas it seems. It's not a constant feeling, but it comes and goes more than usual lately. I really think it is in anticipation of Christmas and all that the holiday season brings with the lack of having Tori here, and it is really taking a toll on me emotionally. I now understand why they say the holidays can be some of the hardest/worst times of the year for people. I truly never understood that until now.

So, this morning I had a mini breakdown about it all. Something specific triggered it, but once the tears started, I couldn't stop. I texted my group of special-heaven sent-prayer warrior-loving friends and asked them to say a prayer for me, that it was a tough day already. I have great girlfriends that have been there through this whole tragedy and I am so blessed to have them. I also called my mom and shared my heart with her. We can have our disagreements, but she is always there to listen when I need a friend. Her wisdom always comes in handy (although you never want to admit that to your mother...ha,ha,ha!) and she said when she feels the way I'm feeling about Tori, that she has to go "get alone with God, be still and quiet, and pour her heart out to Him, asking Him to remind her of all the blessings He's given." Something I knew I should do, but I was hurt and hadn't turned to Him first this morning but vented to others instead. It's okay to talk to others about our hurts, but He should definitely be our ultimate source of comfort over anyone else.

So, I got to thinking about it, and I went to Tori's room, shut the door, and I began pouring my heart out to Him. As I looked around her room at all her pictures, her stuffed animals, her blankets and her outfits, I was reminded of something I thought of that morning. Six of our Christmas cards hanging up this year are from people we met through Tori's life. Those are six lives or families that were somehow touched, impacted or simply brought into our lives through my precious baby girl's life that God blessed us with. Although that fact doesn't take away my pain or bring her back, knowing these people, and many more, through this tragedy has enriched my life. I have lifelong friends that have blossomed into wonderful friendships and I will cherish them always and how our relationship came to be. All of the memories I have of Tori are more than some mothers ever get to have unfortunately, but I am thankful for the six months I had with her. Although she was in pain and not healthy the whole time, we formed a bond that only mother's and their babies can have. I am thankful beyond words for that.

I asked the Lord this morning (as I have countless times before) to heal mine and Josh's broken hearts, to comfort us and give us continued peace. In my last post, I said that I will have to take comfort in knowing that He knew better than I did for the plan of Tori's life, but it doesn't stop there. Not only did He know better than I did, but He is helping me accept His plan as my own. Let me explain. I have prayed before that my desires will be His, and although Tori dying was not my desire, He is teaching me through each hard day like today that His will was carried out and that I want what He wants. That does NOT mean I wanted my daughter to die, but it simply means that I want SO badly to give of myself and my desires, that I want to sarcifice any desire I might have over Him, and put it to the backseat compared to what He has planned. I want a baby girl like a lot of my friends have. I want two girls to celebrate Christmas together this year. I want a family of four and it to feel "complete" in our home. I want this hole in my heart to be filled. I want Tori back. But if I truly mean what I say I believe, I will willingly sacrifice those desires and ultimately accept His instead.

Am I always this selfless in my thinking?! Unfortunately not. It's a growing process, something that it takes a lot of heartache and conviction to bring me to this place. It definitely isn't the best travel, but the journey is worth the end result, I'm sure. Like I told my mom this morning, I'm just ready to see what the end result of all this is....the joy that comes in the morning....because it just doesn't all make sense. That probably won't happen until I reach heaven, though, so I will have to wait. Things like knowing the people (some of you) that sent us Christmas cards and correspond with me regularly now, help with that waiting, though.

Thank you for listening, and I urge you to "be still and know that He is God." Really. It's not just a cliche saying. It's real and it works. All of the pain in my heart isn't gone after this morning, but talking to Him did remind me of a lot of the blessings in my life, a major one being Savannah, and then lots of other things He's done and worked in my life these past two years and before. Like I said, I'm not "STILL" near enough with the hussle and bussle of our busy lives, but man when I am, the outcome is sweet.