A New Year

Well, I specifically remember writing on CB at this time last year saying that I could not wait to see 2007 go and bring in 2008 in hopes of a better year. Only a few months after writing that, my daughter passed away. That is not what I had hoped or expected 2008 to bring, but it did. 2008 will be a year I will never forget. It has been full of many ups and downs for me and my family. We have been tested, discouraged, uplifted, encouraged, saddened, depressed, happy, glad, thankful, and so many more emotions that don't quite grasp what I have felt in a matter of 12 months. I am thankful for 2008 just the same, for it has been a pivotal year in my life and taught me many things about my relationship with God as well as others. It has strengthened me through various circumstances, and left me feeling very down on other days. In sad or happy times, though, this past year has helped shape me into the person I am today. Some things I want to change or strengthen, but nevertheless, I am who I am today because of things that have happened in 2008.

Am I ready for a new year, though? A fresh start? Something better? You bet. I feel like I need a "facelift," a "pick me up." It reminds me of what my dad was saying this morning about not ever being content with what and how we are today, but instead focus on changing, growing and getting "better." He said it well by saying that we should constantly be accepting change in our life, never trying to focus on the past but instead on the future. For there is no FAITH in looking to the past, but there is when looking towards the future. There is also no HOPE if you dwell on the past, but there is for the future. I am determined to "step out" this next year....out of my comfort zone and in faith. I know God has some big things in store for me and my family, and I want to see Him continue to work in our lives in 2009.

I wanted to mention something that has been on my heart and mind. I know I don't have to justify this to anyone, because what people think really doesn't matter, but for my own sake, I wanted to say this in love.
It has been said before along the lines of that because Tori didn't come home from the hospital like most babies, that because she didn't get to do things like most babies, that she was "handicapped" or that her quality of life made her like a vegetable, meaning that it was better off that she went to be with Jesus despite it being hard, sad or difficult on us.

Let me clarify.........Tori was born 12 weeks early, that's 3 months, and although she was very tiny, she was NOT handicapped or anything wrong with her at birth. Her body was completely formed, although her systems were premature, she just had to play catch up and grow, but mentally, nothing was wrong with her. As she got older, she would respond to my voice, watch her mobile, "cry," interact by holding our hands and many more things, as much as tolerated, despite her getting sick. Yes, because she was in the hospital so long, her motor skills were not that of a regular baby her age because she couldn't get up and play, but she was not mentally retarded, a vegetable, or anything of the sort.

She became sick because she had been on nutritional support for so long due to not keeping down her food well enough. That made her sicker. That was the root issue and what caused everything, not a handicap or disease. She was a baby with a personality, a human being who loved to be loved on, and had specific likes and dislikes that made her happy or mad just like all babies, and knew who her mommy and daddy were!!

I just felt the need to clear this up because I never thought people may have viewed her as this, because I assumed they knew her as I did, but they didn't. Some close friends and family got to see and hold her, but not the majority of our church family, friends, etc. Her death was just like any other death....a stillborn infant, a child that died from cancer, a teenager in a car crash, a husband that died from a heart attack, a mom that died from breast cancer, or any other death. Every situation named is different, but her death had the same result and feeling on our hearts.

Just because she never left the hospital (because she got sick) does not mean she never had a chance at a good quality of life. She never had any brain bleeds, bowel obstructions, heart problems, or tons of other things that most preemies face. She was completely healthy, just very tiny and never could tolerate feedings because of it. Until you are around it all the time, you can't possibly understand the full aspect of it. I sure didn't until NICU life. Anyway, I was just thinking about this and wanted to mention it. Sorry for turning this post into a novel, but thanks for taking the time to read.

I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas and will have a blessed New Year. Remember to keep Christ at the center of everything, and it shouldn't be a problem....no matter what obstacles you face....I promise. It won't be easy, and you will mess up and fall down, but His grace is there to see you through if you will call on Him and let Him be your all in all.