It's Been Awhile!

Hello, my long, lost blogging friends! :) So you may have noticed that it's been awhile since I posted. I was posting daily, then every few days, then once a week if I was lucky, and now it is way in between recently. Sorry, but a lot has been going on. Journaling and writing has always been something I enjoy, but I haven't taken the time for it lately so I am catching up today on several things. Bear with me. :)

Well, I almost posted around Valentine's Day. My thoughts were filled with Tori that week and I really was missing her. I thought back to how festive her room was last year for Valentine's Day! We always had things for her for Christmas, New Years, Valentine's, etc. Some friends of mine gave her some Valentine onesie outfits that she wore over and over those few weeks. I will cherish them always. It's weird how things like that you just don't forget about. I remember her getting "valentine's" from our friends, church family and people we didn't even know. We decorated for her to see and I even remember reading them to her one time. Oh, how I would love to look into her eyes one more time and read a Valentine, a book, anything to her!!

Valentine's Day came and went, and I thought about how in the few weeks following valentine's day last year, I never knew they would be my last ones with her. Between February 14th and March 8th, she began to decline slowly but surely. Two weeks before her death, we had some great times with her. Easter came much earlier last year so we bought the girls matching Easter dresses and decided to let them wear them and take their pictures, and boy, am I glad we did. Tori didn't live until Easter, so we would have missed our chance if we would have waited. Now, I have pictures of them dressed up together and I will always cherish those!! I specifically remember Savannah being ill and restless that morning and Josh saying maybe we should just wait, and I said no, let's just go ahead and get them today. That was only one of 3 or 4 times Savannah got to see her baby sister, so I am glad we picked that day to let her do so. It ended up being a day I'll never forget seeing my girls together. Someone had given Tori a book and Savannah "read" it to her that day...so precious and such sisterly love she had for her! :)

In those few weeks following Valentine's Day before her death, I was also able to lay in the bed with Tori as I had never done before, and she was awake and alert and I was laying somewhat behind her because she was turned on her side some and I was talking to her and holding her hand and just loving on her, and she would be looking up at her mother, following my voice, her oxygen stats stabilized, she was so calm on the monitors and we couldn't believe it! She needed that time with her mommy as much as her mommy needed that time with her!! That, too, will be a day with her I will never forget. There are so many "unforgettable days" that were so bad, but raw and real until I "refeel" them each time I recall them in my mind. But there were also very good days with Tori like the two I mentioned above that I will also recall and "refeel" forever. I don't doubt for one moment that God gave me those days during the last few weeks with her as memories to last for a lifetime. Thank you, Lord, for your mercy and your thoughtfulness...I truly know you are always looking out for good on my behalf. For example....

Back in October, I had a friend who started selling Premier Jewelry. When she told me about it, I was REALLY interested and wanted to do it "now." I went to some meetings with her, talked with some other "Premier ladies" and thought it was a GREAT opportunity. However, my husband was not on board at the time, it didn't work out for us financially at the time, and I was SO discouraged. Several of the Premier ladies told me to pray about it, wait for God's timing and see what happens. Do we EVER want to WAIT on something?? I don't know about you, but I don't. I wanted it then, only saw the benefits, it was something I would enjoy, something I thought I could do well and there was no reason not to...in my mind.

Little did I know in the months to follow that initial introduction to Premier, that God would definitely work yet another thing out for my good and in HIS timing. I saw how well my friend did with Premier and at times, I would get frustrated and say to God (like my 3 year old does while throwing a temper tantrum), "It's NOT FAIR!" He would then humble me and even made me realize that I was actually coveting something because I was desiring it so badly for myself against His will. I didn't understand why my husband couldn't be on board, after all, it was working out so well for these other ladies and their husbands were behind them all the way. Yep, I was coveting. I confessed that to God and asked Him to change my view on it all. I even put it out of my mind after awhile because I didn't want to be wrongly desiring something God obviously hadn't brought to fruition in my life. I was reminded over and over that I want GOD'S will for my life...that surrendering my own desires is what I had been trying to do for some time, so why not do it with this, too?? So, I started to put my words into practice.

Let me just tell you, it was the most awesome joy and worth the waiting when my husband CAME TO ME last week and said "If you would like to do premier and think you can do a good job at it, I want you to do it." If you just knew my husband and how skeptical he was at the beginning, you would be as floored as I was. When I called to tell my friend, she couldn't even understand what I was saying I was so ecstatic. I had prayed and told God that if He ever DID want me to do it, I wanted Josh to be 100% behind it. Only the Lord changed His mind and gave me this affirmation about it because of my specific request for this. I did NOT want it to be something that I begged Josh to let me invest my time and money in and him resent me later for it. I wanted it to be a team effort and something he would be behind me on. "Thank you, Lord, for reminding me of what it really means to surrender and wait on You. I don't know why I tend to doubt your plan and desires for my life, but I need to realize, if even through a waiting period, that this is more important than what I want at the time. Thank you for working once again!"

I also love the timing that the Lord brings for another reason....this time of year I have been challenged spiritually to succumb and give into the depression that my daughter is really gone. I'm just being honest. Why anniversaries and holidays are always hard, I don't know, but they are. I now understand why they say the holidays are the hardest time of the year although I wasn't able to before losing her. I don't doubt that God has given me this opportunity at this time of the year to help keep me joyful, keep me busy, and counteract the negative thoughts with positive ones. I still feel sad, lonely and tiresome about it all sometimes, but this opportunity to become an Independent Distributor for Premier Jewelry has kept me busy and on my toes (another reason I haven't had a lot of time to post).

SO, my request is that you would pray for me as I begin this endeavor that I can honestly say that I prayed about, waited to hear specifically from God through my husband (who was 110% against me doing it 6 months ago) and now it is financially a better option for us and a much sweeter reward than it would have been had I done it MY way back then. If you'd like more information on the Premier incentives (either to become a jeweler yourself or to earn some FREE jewelry...I earned $350 in free jewelry when I hosted a party for my friend and only paid tax and shipping...please contact me and I'd be glad to talk with you!) Thank you, friends, and sorry for such a lengthy post!!

Reminding Me of His Goodness

I tend to have moments where the reality hits me of what I've lost....a daughter, a sister to my firstborn, a lifelong friendship with my child, and lots of future memories that could have been. It really hits me hard at those times and I get discouraged. Last night was one of those times.

I envisioned my daughter's laying in bed together (as me and my sister often did) reading books together, giggling and squealing in such sisterly fun and oh, even the sister squabbles..."She's touching me! She's looking at me!" and so on and so on. All those different moments run wild in my mind sometimes and it makes me tear up which usually leads to a good 'ole cry and then you just feel defeated. However, I woke up this morning and felt better after a good night's rest and also after praying briefly last night, telling the Lord that I KNOW He has something better in store because He KNOWS how much this hurts me....how much of a lifetime of pain and void that will be there....how this has hurt my husband, too, and I just want to heal his heart as well, but it will be worth it because I know He will work it all together for my good, but oh, how it would be nice to feel some uplifting from it all right about now!

So, today I read THREE emails I had received from a few high school and childhood friends asking about Tori, sharing how they had found my blog, and were blessed by her story and my faith. It was the perfect medicine to all I had been feeling the night before. WOW, how good God is to remind me of his GOODNESS. It wasn't even in all they said, but in my response to them that I was able to share with them what has happened and yet I have hope and faith to what will become of it all. What an awesome testimony and chance to give God full credit and all the glory, but also a wonderful reminder to myself.

"Thank you, Lord, for allowing me to have this relationship with you, and please forgive me for all the times I take it for granted and don't appreciate being able to come to you for any and everything. Thank you for always coming through for me and taking care of me...although I don't deserve it. Thank you for showing your mercy, goodness and love every step of the way. I thank you for being my Father and my heart overflows knowing I will see you one sweet day...along with my precious children! So thankful for that hope I have!!"

It's Pouring

I know you've heard the saying, "When it Rains, it Pours." It's so "funny" how when we were going through something SOOOO big with Tori and being in the hospital months on end that I was able to cling to my faith and rely on Him and yet when the "small" things hit, I seem to freak out and "breakdown" wondering what am I going to do?? Do I honestly believe that God can only handle the BIG things in my life?? No. I know full well that He is BIG enough to handle all the small, everyday things as well, so Father, help me give them to you instead of trying to fix them all myself!!

On New Years Day, we had a small fire get out of control and lets just say with fireworks in the mix, it wasn't pretty. Four yards ended up getting burnt (grass will grow back, no biggie, I know) but it was a close call between ours and our neighbors house at one point. There was some minimal damage to the siding on our neighbors house that we've offered to replace but nothing else was damaged. The fire department (yes, SEVERAL trucks and cars came, so embarrassing) got there and put it out and for that we are thankful. No one got hurt, and it was a big accident, but it still hurt us in the pocketbook. Not only do we have to replace the siding, but our water bill was quadrupeled because they hooked the hoses up to our water line in the yard. Yeah, do you know how many gallons pump through those hoses so fast? Well, my water bill says A LOT. So, what a way to start off the year. Woo hoo.

Then, a couple of weeks ago (all in the month of January, mind you) we came home to a half of our house flooded from where a pipe had busted where there was NO insulation in the wall around it. The plumber clearly told us it was because there was no insulation. Now, we're not fighting people, so we didn't pursue it any further...until our heat went out tonight. In case you haven't stepped outside in our neck of the woods tonight, let me tell you it's currently 19 degrees outside. yeah, pretty cold. Now, most people would think that is bad luck, oh well, gotta get it fixed. Nope, it's more than that. This is the 5th or 6th time since our house was built 2 years ago that we've had this SAME problem. The first time was in the dead heat of summer when I was pregnant with Tori and I remember standing outside in 90 something heat because it was cooler than the inside of my house was.

I will admit I slightly got in the flesh tonight when I called our builder and left him a nice, sweet message to call us FIRST thing tomorrow morning. :) And then I said God Bless You, come visit me at church Sunday. Ok, so I just lied. I'm sorry, I'm human and I'll apologoze to the man later, but for now, I'm ticked. We have our emergency heat on now, so we're staying warm, but have you ever looked at your utility bill after using ER heat for an extended amount of time?? Not a pretty picture next month either.

SO, why do I vent and gripe and complain about all this?? Well, journaling/blogging helps me get stuff off my chest and no one has to physically hear me complaining about it, so it's all good. I mostly wanted to write it all and remind myself, "Melissa, God is still in control. He was in control when you lost Tori and He knew the heartache you would face and the financial dilemmas you would run into. He's always supplied, though, and He won't stop now. He doesn't only care about the BIG, miraculous things. He cares about the "small" things that you can't fix, that make you mad and that you worry constantly about. STOP worrying. Give it to Him. You can't choose to trust Him in certain areas of your life. A relationship with Him doesn't work that way. Claim His promises over your life and know that He will come through for you. This awful, stinky, corrupt, dying, sinful world is NOT your home! Keep your eyes fixed on what lies ahead for you and that is your heavenly home... where the heat will never break and fires won't burn up the yard or house! :) Now go reflect on how He's been faithful and know He will do it again...just like the song says. Good night." (I think that about sums it up, no comments neccessary. LOL. But feel free to add to it if you'd like..hehe!)