Monday, March 23, 2009

Heartbreaking Moments

It's moments like last night when Tori's death is hard. Josh went into Tori's room (it is still set up as her room except for our full size bed now) and saw Savannah standing there still looking at all of Tori's pictures in the frames. Josh startled her because she was in deep thought looking at them when he asked what she was doing. I promise with every fiber of my being, this is what this precious baby said: "I want Tori here. Can we go to the hospital and get her?" And before Josh could answer, it was like it hit her that she knew that wasn't right...because then she said, "No, she isn't there, is she? She's in heaven." Her daddy agreed and told her yes, she was indeed in Heaven with Jesus. She then asked if we could fly on birds and go to Heaven, too. How do you explain this to a 3 year old? I've tried many times, and told her that because Jesus died on the cross for us, we can go to heaven one day and see her again. She then went on to tell me that time that she wanted to die on a cross, too, so she could go to Heaven. I told her she didn't have to do that, that Jesus did it for us. So confusing to her and I don't try to make her fully comprehend just now, but it hurts me as her and Tori's mother because she doesn't understand. Later on last night, she asked me if she could have another baby sister. WOW.

So, my heart is left in shambles when I think on all this childlike innocence and how bittersweet her longing for Tori is, how she still remembers her and so many details, and how she longs for that sisterly companion, too. I praise the Lord for not letting my heart stay in this broken place all the time. He gives me so much joy to outweigh the sad times like this. Because trust me, there's plenty sad times when I don't expect them. For instance, this song I heard on the radio yesterday as we were traveling home from out of town. I was just numb after hearing it. It's called "Sissy's Song."


Why did she have to go
So young I just don't know why
Things happen half the time
Without reason without rhyme
Lovely, sweet young woman
(could've been a) Daughter, wife and mother
Makes no sense to me
I just have to believe

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me

Loved ones she left behind
Just trying to survive
And understand the why
Feeling so lost inside
Anger shot straight at God
Then asking for His love
Empty with disbelief
Just hoping that maybe

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me

It's hard to say goodbye
Her picture in my mind
Will always be of times I'll cherish
And I won't cry 'cause

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me
Don't worry 'bout me
Don`t worry 'bout me


Monday, March 16, 2009

Spirit Filled

Yesterday's sermon was on living a spirit filled life and being a spiritually minded Christian! What do you think it means to be spirit filled and how should it guide our everyday walk through this earthly life? We talked about the fruits of the Spirit that would be evident if we are living the spirit filled life ("they will know you by your fruits...") and I must admit that some of the fruits are very hard for me to constantly show in my own life....

LOVE- do I show LOVE when someone cuts me off on the highway and I yell at them how stupid they are?? do I show LOVE when I bite my husband's head off on the way to church and then act like nothing's wrong when I greet others at church?? do I show LOVE when I am offended or hurt by someone and instead of "loving" them as Jesus would, I hold resentment and bitterness towards them in my heart?? NO ONE would know I was a Christian if they saw this as the fruit I constantly was bearing from my tree.

JOY- this has been a tough one for me in the past. I have battled with depression for several years, and Satan always seems to come through and try to steal my joy at just the right time. But REAL JOY, the JOY from the LORD, not from any earthly high, would be evident despite our circumstances that may have us feeling otherwise. Now I'm not saying you're not allowed to have a bad day, a bad attitude, a sad mood, or anything like that...but is your fruit showing that you are a pleasant, happy person or a sad, down in the dumps person where circumstances steal your joy from day to day? We can CHOOSE to have joy- after all, we have been Redeemed by our Creator Himself....what more could you need to have lasting joy??

PEACE- do you have peace when you're worrying about your finances?? Do you have peace when you are sitting at home worrying about your child or spouse...wondering what they're doing and putting all your hope, faith and trust in them instead of the Lord Almighty?? Something to think about. Only HE can give TRUE peace when our world is falling apart in the world's eyes.

PATIENCE- I mess up at this one everyday. When I am so quick to get angry with my 3 year old, I am reminded that I am NOT having the patience that I want the Lord to have with me! God forbid I be so hard on and unforgiving with others when I expect the Lord to be SO patient with me and unconditionally loving and forgiving!

KINDNESS- Do we just smile fakely at others and say hello or are we really KIND? Are we generous or do we hoard up our earthly possessions wanting to share them with no one? Do we think we're better than other people because they look, smell or act different than us? All people are looking for is to know someone cares about them. They want to be LOVED, and it is our job, as His church, to "Be the Church" to these people and show JESUS' KINDNESS to them...even when we don't feel like it or really want to.

GOODNESS- this kind of ties in with the kindness I think. Do we show HIS goodness to those around us? Or are we back biting, mean spirited, and revenge seeking? We should be filled with His Goodness and let it consume our thoughts and hearts! If we were driven by being in His image, we would have a total mind transformation!

FAITHFULNESS- The Lord is SO faithful to us....are we faithful to Him and others? Do we stay committed or can we not be counted on? I have been horrible about keeping promises in the past, so I'm so thankful that the Lord remains faithful to me in His love for me even when I haven't returned the same thing! He promises us SO many things in His word, and He says it won't return void, so we can count on Him for everything we need....can we be counted on???

GENTLENESS- this lines up with patience for me. I need to be gentle in my words, my actions, and let others know that I am not quick to speak but want to be gentle and not harsh. Jesus was point blank a lot of the time, but He has commanded us to love others as He loves us, so that must mean He wants us to be GENTLE as He is SO gentle with us! He does show His wrath and justice, but He is also a just God and rightfully so...we have NO right to carry out His justice....He promises in His word that justice will be His.

SELF CONTROL- Do we have self control when we eat? Do we have self control when we're watching something on TV? Do we have self control when we're surfing the internet? Everyone has different temptations and weaknesses that we MUST ask the Lord to help us have self control over....we CANNOT do it on our OWN!!!!

So, these were all things I thought of when discussing the fruits of the Spirit. If I were to do a survey of my own life, or better yet a complete stranger do one of the fruits that are evident in my life, would there be enough fruit to convict me of being spirit filled??? Spiritually minded??? or self minded??? Do a survey for yourself and reflect on it and pray to God asking for His help in these areas of your life as I had to. I have found that when I am committed to loving Him and following Him more than other things, I am more "spiritually aware" of having these fruits in my life and making them apart of my "spiritual DNA." I want my make up to be in His image, so I will continue to strive daily (although I'll never be perfect) to constantly learn about, change and grow closer to Him....hence having much more of these fruits growing on my tree.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

I Consider It Pure Joy

James 1:2-4 says:

"My brothers, consider it pure joy when you face trials of many kinds, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience (perseverance). But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing."

Are you JOYFUL about it when you are facing a trial?? Probably not. I can honestly say that I was NOT when Tori was so sick...I just wanted her to get better, to grow and mature, and come home with her mommy and daddy, case closed. I can honestly tell you that I wasn't even joyful with the aftermath I was left with after her death. If I told you all the ways Satan has tried to attack me and my family behind the scenes since her death, you might ask how did I not give up! I have accepted the Lord's perfect will and know He has a plan for it all, but I haven't always been able to say that I consider it pure JOY as I was going through it.....

Now, on the flip side of it, I can honestly say I consider it pure JOY (let me explain before you think I'm claiming to have it all together)! Is everything perfect and peachy keen in my life now? NO...Not by a long shot! What I'm saying is that I see now that everything that happened with Tori, this whole experience of losing a child, experiencing the grief and heartache afterwards that has taken a toll on my marriage, my friendships, etc., has taught me SO much and for that I am THANKFUL! I am even JOYFUL about it! I never in a million years thought I'd hear myself say that!

The testing truly has helped produce perseverance in my life (I love when His promises are revealed as evident TRUTH in our lives)! Now, I still continue to fail miserably and have to ask God daily to help remind me of all this (because I'll never be perfect on this earth), but I can truly say this all has helped and grown me in one way or another. I used to think I had it all together, just pleasing myself and doing whatever I felt like. Now, I find myself trying to saturate my thoughts to be in alignment with His. I think about what the Lord would want, not my own fleshly, selfish desires. That mindset has helped me in so many different areas! It's amazing to me that it all started with a baby born prematurely, that people started praying for her little life, that she got sick and died, and now the whole experience is still continuing to impact her mother's life and teach very valuable lessons!

If the Lord wanted me to come away from this desiring to have what HE wants for my life more than what I want, it was worth it. There is more joy because I choose to make the desires of my heart what He wants, instead of what I choose for myself. I know He is glorified and lifted up when each of us lay our own desires down at His feet and willingly we say, "Lord, YOUR will be done." I have never thought the Lord's Prayer is as meaningful as it is now....

"Our Father, who art in heaven,
hallowed be your name.
Your Kingdom come,
YOUR will be done,
on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us today our daily bread.
Forgive us our sins,
as we forgive those who sin against us.
Lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.
For the kingdom, the power and the glory are yours.
Forever and ever. Amen."

**I would just like to put a disclaimer and say in no way, form or fashion am I saying that I am "holier than thou," I just like to reflect and look back on what the Lord has taught me and am SO thankful for it until it gets me excited!! As a mother or father, I would hope you could understand that if your child's life was ended, you wouldn't want it to be in vain and you would want to spend the rest of your life honoring him/her and make it worthwhile!!

**Also, if I ultimately had the choice, I would want Victoria Leigh here with me of course, you all know that. When I see others with their babies and don't realize how lucky they are, I just want to tell them. I hope they know it, but I want to tell them nonetheless. I don't expect anyone to feel sorry for or have a pity party for me, but I so desperately want them to know and understand the undescribable pain and gut wrenching grief I've felt and how blessed they are to not have ever felt that!! SO, if you have a baby boy or girl, be so appreciative for the blessing the Lord has given you...as I am for Savannah...I tell her all the time how thankful I am for her...she will probably get tired of hearing it by the time she's 16...lol....

Sunday, March 8, 2009

It's Here...One Whole Year


Well, I don't know that I really have any profound words to say, or anything very inspiring; I'm just "here," hanging out in this place they call grieving. It has been a year today since Tori died, almost down to the minute...it was 6:55 a.m. when she died and it's a little after 7 a.m. as I write this. Lot's of different thoughts run through my mind on this bittersweet morning.....


The first thought actually is "Blessed Be the Name of the Lord!" That is the honest to God truth. I don't say that to be some spiritual heroin. Everytime we have sang that song in church or I've listened to it in my car, I have always thought that is what I will still CHOOSE to say, despite the "desert place" I had to walk through at such a young age in life. All we are put here for is to give Him the glory He so rightfully deserves and to have a relationship with Him. I sometimes stink at diligently and daily studying His word and pursuing that relationship like I should, something I'm very convicted about and want to do better at and MAKE TIME FOR HIM just like I do other things in my life. I honestly want to give Him all the glory, though, having no pride or haughtiness on my own selfish, fleshly pleasure. So anything you read or see in me, is simply a work of God. I am NOT a perfect person, don't claim to be. Just a sinner saved by grace, and I'm asking Him to mold and change me every step of the way. I will CHOOSE to say BLESSED BE THE NAME OF THE LORD because it COULD be really easy to be upset, disappointed in and angry with God, but I know His plans and thoughts are higher than mine, therefore I will accept them. I will not argue or question them, for He knows the number of hairs on my head...who else could possibly have such wisdom?? No one. So, I will continue to lean on Him, trust in Him, strive to walk daily with Him and finish the race that I've started!!


The second thought is how grateful I am for what all the Lord has taught me over the past year, and for all of the people He has brought into my life during that time as well. Satan literally has tried to steal my joy, kill my marriage, and destroy my faith over the past year. He meant SO much bad over the past year since Tori's last breath in my arms, but the Lord has turned it around for so much good. Slowly but surely, I see things that were SO bad that have started to come around in a different direction. I have recently been convicted about praying for my husband and daughter like I should be, and am adamant about committing to praying for them like I should. I have been so fearful of death since Tori died, and am going to HAVE to daily give that to God if I expect to receive peace over it.


Someone asked me just yesterday did I think the one year anniversary of her death is harder than the holidays were? I replied yes. The reason is because in my mind I think about the fact that it has been one whole year since I last held her, kissed her, touched her hand, saw her breathe, and had her right there in front of me. She was "real." She was alive. Still here and able for me to be with her. Today marks one year since I've been able to do any of those things and it hurts. I don't want to forget that freshness of seeing her on that last day, of taking her out in the snow in Nashville and what it was like to hold her for the last time. (BTW- I thought it was so ironic that it snowed here a week before her death last year when it snowed then, too.)


Back to the being thankful for people the Lord has placed in my life.....I received flowers from one my blogger friends on Friday....white roses....they are beautiful. She took the time out of her busy schedule and spent her money on flowers to reach out and encourage someone she had never even met. I thought that was so incredibly compassionate of her and very encouraging to me to know someone cares about me and hasn't forgotten my baby's life and the raw pain I feel because of her death. We also received the sweetest card from another friend who has followed Tori's story since caringbridge....she is such an encouragement and has been every step of the way. The Lord knew I needed her and her gift of encouragement in my life. I also correspond through email with Baby Reed's mom through email and look forward to meeting her in a couple of weeks. Her due date with him would've been Friday, so please pray for her. Despite that, she wrote me to encourage ME. After receiving these things from these ladies, I just thanked the Lord for all the people and friends He has brought into my life and His provisions along the way!


There's so much I could say about Tori....her beautiful eyes, the way she loved her mobile, how she recognized and followed her mother's voice, and how beautiful she was. I only wish I could've brought her home for even one day and had a chance at real life with her. Away from all the hospitals, nurses, tubes, needles, etc. However, that wasn't God's plan. He used all of those things I mentioned to grow my faith, expand my knowledge of what parents and families go through and made me stronger because of it. I would have NEVER dreamed of being where I am now than where I was before Tori's birth. I was just going through life, being a lukewarm Christian, not really appreciating my salvation like I should or thinking anything in life could ever go really wrong...this wrong....and that I had it all together. WRONG ANSWER. The Lord literally shook me....transformed my faith and restored my vision....set my focus on Him. I may stray and have to be reminded of His faithfulness and goodness from time to time, but I can honestly say for the long haul, my feet are planted in deep and I am walking the rest of the way with Him. I won't look back or waiver to the crooked path....I've already been there and I don't want to go back. Satan, get under my feet!!


If you will, just pray for me, my husband, our marriage, my family, my daughter and all who loved our precious Victoria Leigh Wilhoit. She was truly a gift from God, her name meant Victory, and I truly believe that even in death, she had the Victory through Jesus Christ! I have no doubt where she is, and I know I will see her again one day because of my salvation. I cried and could barely tear myself away from her little coffin at her funeral as they were going to put the top on because I knew that would be the last time I would see her little face on this earth....but the next time I see it, it will be even more beautiful, and she will have a perfect and healthy body. Thank you, God! Blessed Be the Name of the Lord!
Here is a very personal video from about two weeks before Tori died. I was able to lay in the bed with her, and there's no audio on it right now, but she was looking up following my voice as I was talking to her and her oxygen sats stabilized and she was the happiest, calmest when i was laying with her. There is also a snippet of the day Savannah visited at the beginning. Soemthing I'm so thankful to have on video.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Leaving my Baggage Behind

I went on a Ladies Retreat with our church this past weekend and I don't think I'm still fully recovered in the sleep aspect. I only got 3 hours of sleep because I was up running my mouth as usual with some wonderful ladies! It was a great time even with the sleep deprivation! :)

Our focus was on this journey in life...how to PAY ATTENTION as we are going through this journey....do we have packed what we need on our trip....do we have the right passengers with us.....and so on. Of course, all of those had spiritual parallels to how they compared with our journey in life, but the biggest one for me was some of the unneccessary baggage we take through life...much like some of the things I took on the retreat and didn't even use. That was an EXTRA load I had to carry, something I didn't need to bring along.

SO, some of the baggage we talked about was self reliance, loneliness (someone pointed out that her self reliance caused the loneliness...interesting and valid thought), disappointment (in God), and the 2 that I felt God spoke to JUST ME about (although I know there were many others) was WORRY (surely I don't worry??) and Fear....of death.

Worrying and anxiety have ALWAYS been an issue for me. Someone shared that they just have an overly anxious spirit at times, while some just go with the flow and don't really worry at all. I was right there with her....I worry and get anxious about too many things....things out of my control. SO, we were asked to right on our "trash wall" I liked to call it, the stuff we were leaving behind. WORRY was the first one, because I am determined to abide by Proverbs 3:5-6 better and let HIM handle things for me, even in the small things I worry about.

The other was FEAR OF DEATH. You might say, if you're a Christian, you know where you're going so why are you worried? I have never really worried before until Tori died. Death became a harsh reality because of the pain it brings. I'm not worried about dying and where I'll go, I;m worried about my daughter dying, my husband dying, my family and people I love dying, so quickly and suddenly that I would have to hurt and feel that pain even more. I live it in some form day to day when it comes to Tori. Some people may think I should be "over" it in a sense, after all this weekend has been a year. NOT EVEN CLOSE. That precious baby was apart of me, and always will be.

I'm afraid of my own personal death only because I don't want to leave Savannah without a mother. I think of how I feel without a daughter, so how much greater would a girl going through her whole life without a mother be? Some of you may have experienced that and can relate to my thoughts on this. Either way, I have been worrying about death for awhile now as I've heard about some friends and people we knew that have died at a young age, suddenly and how hard it is on the families. Do I not serve a sovereign God who has brought me this far and would see me through any future death or heartache? THAT is what else I had to leave behind. I am determined not to let Satan win and keep me in fear and doubt of me or my family members dying and the pain behind it.

SO, that was the highlight of the retreat for me. Also the fact that a few hispanic ladies were there and when we all stood shoulder to shoulder, holding hands, praying to Abba Father, she prayed out loud in spanish and it was awesome. You could hear the tears in her voice and how sincere she was as she prayed to the same God we served, despite the language barrier. I heard GRACIAS several times so she was constantly THANKING her creator! How awesome. It was humbling to think about God's love for so many different types of people, and how he hears us all when we call on Him, not just Americans or english speaking people.

"Thank you Father, for your love and your guidance! Please continue daily to take my worries, anxieties and fears of death out of my heart and mind and make me pure, focused on you, without anything to cloud my view. I love you Father and want to serve and praise you! Thank you for taking a filthy, dirty, sinful heart like mine and continuing to forgive, make it new and pure. I love you."