Leaving my Baggage Behind

I went on a Ladies Retreat with our church this past weekend and I don't think I'm still fully recovered in the sleep aspect. I only got 3 hours of sleep because I was up running my mouth as usual with some wonderful ladies! It was a great time even with the sleep deprivation! :)

Our focus was on this journey in life...how to PAY ATTENTION as we are going through this journey....do we have packed what we need on our trip....do we have the right passengers with us.....and so on. Of course, all of those had spiritual parallels to how they compared with our journey in life, but the biggest one for me was some of the unneccessary baggage we take through life...much like some of the things I took on the retreat and didn't even use. That was an EXTRA load I had to carry, something I didn't need to bring along.

SO, some of the baggage we talked about was self reliance, loneliness (someone pointed out that her self reliance caused the loneliness...interesting and valid thought), disappointment (in God), and the 2 that I felt God spoke to JUST ME about (although I know there were many others) was WORRY (surely I don't worry??) and Fear....of death.

Worrying and anxiety have ALWAYS been an issue for me. Someone shared that they just have an overly anxious spirit at times, while some just go with the flow and don't really worry at all. I was right there with her....I worry and get anxious about too many things....things out of my control. SO, we were asked to right on our "trash wall" I liked to call it, the stuff we were leaving behind. WORRY was the first one, because I am determined to abide by Proverbs 3:5-6 better and let HIM handle things for me, even in the small things I worry about.

The other was FEAR OF DEATH. You might say, if you're a Christian, you know where you're going so why are you worried? I have never really worried before until Tori died. Death became a harsh reality because of the pain it brings. I'm not worried about dying and where I'll go, I;m worried about my daughter dying, my husband dying, my family and people I love dying, so quickly and suddenly that I would have to hurt and feel that pain even more. I live it in some form day to day when it comes to Tori. Some people may think I should be "over" it in a sense, after all this weekend has been a year. NOT EVEN CLOSE. That precious baby was apart of me, and always will be.

I'm afraid of my own personal death only because I don't want to leave Savannah without a mother. I think of how I feel without a daughter, so how much greater would a girl going through her whole life without a mother be? Some of you may have experienced that and can relate to my thoughts on this. Either way, I have been worrying about death for awhile now as I've heard about some friends and people we knew that have died at a young age, suddenly and how hard it is on the families. Do I not serve a sovereign God who has brought me this far and would see me through any future death or heartache? THAT is what else I had to leave behind. I am determined not to let Satan win and keep me in fear and doubt of me or my family members dying and the pain behind it.

SO, that was the highlight of the retreat for me. Also the fact that a few hispanic ladies were there and when we all stood shoulder to shoulder, holding hands, praying to Abba Father, she prayed out loud in spanish and it was awesome. You could hear the tears in her voice and how sincere she was as she prayed to the same God we served, despite the language barrier. I heard GRACIAS several times so she was constantly THANKING her creator! How awesome. It was humbling to think about God's love for so many different types of people, and how he hears us all when we call on Him, not just Americans or english speaking people.

"Thank you Father, for your love and your guidance! Please continue daily to take my worries, anxieties and fears of death out of my heart and mind and make me pure, focused on you, without anything to cloud my view. I love you Father and want to serve and praise you! Thank you for taking a filthy, dirty, sinful heart like mine and continuing to forgive, make it new and pure. I love you."