I Consider It Pure Joy

James 1:2-4 says:

"My brothers, consider it pure joy when you face trials of many kinds, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience (perseverance). But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing."

Are you JOYFUL about it when you are facing a trial?? Probably not. I can honestly say that I was NOT when Tori was so sick...I just wanted her to get better, to grow and mature, and come home with her mommy and daddy, case closed. I can honestly tell you that I wasn't even joyful with the aftermath I was left with after her death. If I told you all the ways Satan has tried to attack me and my family behind the scenes since her death, you might ask how did I not give up! I have accepted the Lord's perfect will and know He has a plan for it all, but I haven't always been able to say that I consider it pure JOY as I was going through it.....

Now, on the flip side of it, I can honestly say I consider it pure JOY (let me explain before you think I'm claiming to have it all together)! Is everything perfect and peachy keen in my life now? NO...Not by a long shot! What I'm saying is that I see now that everything that happened with Tori, this whole experience of losing a child, experiencing the grief and heartache afterwards that has taken a toll on my marriage, my friendships, etc., has taught me SO much and for that I am THANKFUL! I am even JOYFUL about it! I never in a million years thought I'd hear myself say that!

The testing truly has helped produce perseverance in my life (I love when His promises are revealed as evident TRUTH in our lives)! Now, I still continue to fail miserably and have to ask God daily to help remind me of all this (because I'll never be perfect on this earth), but I can truly say this all has helped and grown me in one way or another. I used to think I had it all together, just pleasing myself and doing whatever I felt like. Now, I find myself trying to saturate my thoughts to be in alignment with His. I think about what the Lord would want, not my own fleshly, selfish desires. That mindset has helped me in so many different areas! It's amazing to me that it all started with a baby born prematurely, that people started praying for her little life, that she got sick and died, and now the whole experience is still continuing to impact her mother's life and teach very valuable lessons!

If the Lord wanted me to come away from this desiring to have what HE wants for my life more than what I want, it was worth it. There is more joy because I choose to make the desires of my heart what He wants, instead of what I choose for myself. I know He is glorified and lifted up when each of us lay our own desires down at His feet and willingly we say, "Lord, YOUR will be done." I have never thought the Lord's Prayer is as meaningful as it is now....

"Our Father, who art in heaven,
hallowed be your name.
Your Kingdom come,
YOUR will be done,
on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us today our daily bread.
Forgive us our sins,
as we forgive those who sin against us.
Lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.
For the kingdom, the power and the glory are yours.
Forever and ever. Amen."

**I would just like to put a disclaimer and say in no way, form or fashion am I saying that I am "holier than thou," I just like to reflect and look back on what the Lord has taught me and am SO thankful for it until it gets me excited!! As a mother or father, I would hope you could understand that if your child's life was ended, you wouldn't want it to be in vain and you would want to spend the rest of your life honoring him/her and make it worthwhile!!

**Also, if I ultimately had the choice, I would want Victoria Leigh here with me of course, you all know that. When I see others with their babies and don't realize how lucky they are, I just want to tell them. I hope they know it, but I want to tell them nonetheless. I don't expect anyone to feel sorry for or have a pity party for me, but I so desperately want them to know and understand the undescribable pain and gut wrenching grief I've felt and how blessed they are to not have ever felt that!! SO, if you have a baby boy or girl, be so appreciative for the blessing the Lord has given you...as I am for Savannah...I tell her all the time how thankful I am for her...she will probably get tired of hearing it by the time she's 16...lol....