Heartbreaking Moments

It's moments like last night when Tori's death is hard. Josh went into Tori's room (it is still set up as her room except for our full size bed now) and saw Savannah standing there still looking at all of Tori's pictures in the frames. Josh startled her because she was in deep thought looking at them when he asked what she was doing. I promise with every fiber of my being, this is what this precious baby said: "I want Tori here. Can we go to the hospital and get her?" And before Josh could answer, it was like it hit her that she knew that wasn't right...because then she said, "No, she isn't there, is she? She's in heaven." Her daddy agreed and told her yes, she was indeed in Heaven with Jesus. She then asked if we could fly on birds and go to Heaven, too. How do you explain this to a 3 year old? I've tried many times, and told her that because Jesus died on the cross for us, we can go to heaven one day and see her again. She then went on to tell me that time that she wanted to die on a cross, too, so she could go to Heaven. I told her she didn't have to do that, that Jesus did it for us. So confusing to her and I don't try to make her fully comprehend just now, but it hurts me as her and Tori's mother because she doesn't understand. Later on last night, she asked me if she could have another baby sister. WOW.

So, my heart is left in shambles when I think on all this childlike innocence and how bittersweet her longing for Tori is, how she still remembers her and so many details, and how she longs for that sisterly companion, too. I praise the Lord for not letting my heart stay in this broken place all the time. He gives me so much joy to outweigh the sad times like this. Because trust me, there's plenty sad times when I don't expect them. For instance, this song I heard on the radio yesterday as we were traveling home from out of town. I was just numb after hearing it. It's called "Sissy's Song."


Why did she have to go
So young I just don't know why
Things happen half the time
Without reason without rhyme
Lovely, sweet young woman
(could've been a) Daughter, wife and mother
Makes no sense to me
I just have to believe

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me

Loved ones she left behind
Just trying to survive
And understand the why
Feeling so lost inside
Anger shot straight at God
Then asking for His love
Empty with disbelief
Just hoping that maybe

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me

It's hard to say goodbye
Her picture in my mind
Will always be of times I'll cherish
And I won't cry 'cause

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me
Don't worry 'bout me
Don`t worry 'bout me