Oppression

Well, it's been over a week now since I've blogged. I was thinking back to something I wrote about before while doing my recent Beth Moore Study, "Stepping Up." Oppression. I know, I know, I could have chosen a much more cheery, joyous topic to talk about, but this subject came to mind today so allow me to go here for a moment if you will.

When we feel oppressed, it may be because of something we've done to ourselves and it has in turn caused us to feel oppressed and beaten down, or it could simply be the consequences to our sin causing us to feel that oppression? But what about oppression being brought on by circumstances beyond our control? What about oppression leading to DEpression? A feeling of hopelessness or wanting to just throw in the towel? I mean more than just the occasional bad day or blue mood? Maybe you don't know what I'm talking about. Maybe you haven't ever felt in your spirit the kind of oppression I am referring to. I have. I felt this way all too recently. Let me explain.

My baby would have been a year old in a month from yesterday. As that day approaches, I am more and more saddened. Since her birth, so much has changed and I have definitely felt the state of being oppressed several times. Since her death, I have come to accept it better than I ever thought I would, and through the encouragement of all my readers, I have felt like keeping on keeping on, but mostly through the grace,strength and comfort from our Lord. However, I intentionally haven't always blogged about all the hard times. I've mostly blogged (all the way back to her caring bridge page) about all the positive and uplifting times and days when I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. I've honestly tried not to dwell so much on the bad. People have commented on this, but they haven't always seen the other side. I am human. I have fallen and I have been weak. I have thankfully gotten up every time I fell, but lately I feel very weary and am trying my hardest to beat this sense of "oppression."

I so desperately want Tori's legacy to be one that's positive, strong, uplifiting, encouraging and life changing. I want the devil to be defeated and to personally come out on the other side as a victor in Him. To be honest, though, some days I don't feel that that's been the case in some ways. I don't doubt my God or what He's allowed to happen AT ALL, but I do wonder (and actually know) if Satan is trying to use things and people to affect everything that's happened in a negative way. He wants nothing more than for myself and others to feel oppressed because of this.

I covet your prayers in the days ahead as I am constantly reminded lately of where I was a year ago at this time, not knowing that right around this time period, my body quit feeding Tori and she did not have nutrients for about a month before she was born. I began to get sick as a result. When she was about to be delivered, it was even life threatening for us both to a degree. Thank the Lord for wise doctors of knowing when and what to do, but it all brings back unpleasant memories to say the least.

Along with Steven Curtis Chapman's wife knowing and accepting God's will, I still wish my baby was here with me ultimately, and that we were planning for her first birthday with presents and cake galore celebrating her little life! I urge you to watch this clip below of an interview of SCC and his wife in their home. I broke down when I saw this, because I could totally relate, and it hurt me for her as well. Please take a few minutes and watch what an awesome testimony they have. I hope and pray to be able to say and do the same. Some may say we have, but as we've grieved, I've not personally given myself any leniency in this because I don't ever want to become, and as a result, stay mad at God. I have questions, sure, just like SCC says, but that's what faith is, not having answers to your questions and yet trusting anyway. I know that it is far too easy for Satan to plant that seed and run with it in people's minds that God is to blame, so I haven't even let myself go there. I trust that He had a bigger plan, and as hard as it is sometimes, not my will be done....but HIS.

I want my baby's life to have counted for something, to mean something, to have made a difference...not cause oppression...bottom line.