Prayer Requests

I'd like to ask you to pray for two families that we came to "know" through the hardest tragedy in our lives.

One is the family of Matthew Litchfield (www.caringbridge.org/visit/matthewlitchfield). Matthew passed away earlier this evening. We were staying at the Ronald McDonald House the same time as them last fall/winter when he was much better than he recently was. His dad says tonight on his caringbridge the same thing that happened with Tori. He said that as they were saying their "goodbyes," Matthew opened his eyes and looked at him as if to acknowledge what he was saying and kept them open for a minute and then closed them as he took his last breath. This, too, was similar to Tori's last moments with us. She opened her eyes while I was laying in bed with with her as if to tell me she knew I was there and layed with them open for a minute, and as heart begin to slow and she closed them again, it was then that I took her out of the bed and held her in my arms when she took her last breath. Reading their blog tonight brought back so many vivid memories. My heart breaks for them because I know the feelings they will be experiencing on this new journey after fighting for and with him for so long. PLEASE keep this family in your prayers.

Another family is the Gill family (www.caringbridge.org/visit/calebgill). His mother was one of Tori's many nurses while we were still here at HH NICU, and they found out a couple of months ago that he had a brain tumor. Some of you may remember that we had special prayer for him at Tori's celebration of Life. I am proud to say that he is well enough to go home for the weekend, until he has to return to Vandy for more treatments next week, and they have been staying at the RMcD House, too, as he has been in and out of the hospital. What I am asking prayer for is that his body will be healed, yes, but also for sweet little Caleb not to be discouraged or down, but that the Lord will encourage his heart and mind and mold him back into the joyous, vibrant 6 year old he was before all this. Debbie's post today gave GREAT news, but it also said that he had not smiled or laughed these past few months. That breaks my heart. No 6 year old should have to feel what he does right now, so please pray that the Lord will restore his joy and allow him to enjoy life as children should be able to. Please continue to pray for his full healing, too.

Thank you all, faithful prayer warriors.

Emotions Running Wild

The title in itself is enough to make some men not read any further. LOL. Most men anyway (not picking on men, just stating the facts). Feelings and such are not something men, and even some women, care much about expressing, nor are they very good at it.

Going to grief counseling has caused me to FEEL a lot more than I was. I have actually been able to FEEL and to deal with those feelings at the same time and it's working out well for me.

Since working at a pediatrics office part time, the Lord has brought SEVERAL people into my path where I have been able to share Tori's story and my reliance on God. I'm serious; just last week I talked with 3 different strangers about it in the most unexpected ways. I constantly see babies, several have had the name Victoria, and it sometimes strikes a conversation. I have been able to share with them that my faith is the only thing that has gotten me through. WOW. Nothing incredible on my part, just God putting others in my path and using my BAD for His GOOD. He promised me that, and He is fulfilling it over and over in many different ways and for that I am thankful.

I am thankful for those GOOD times, but I still have plenty of the BAD and the UGLY. For instance, tonight was one of the BAD times. For no reason at all, my wondering mind started thinking on various things about Tori and I had an emotional breakdown on my way home. It's been a week or so since I cried, so I was due. :) Reality hits me sometimes and I think about how I will NEVER hold her on this earth again, nor will I kiss her sweet face, or watch her little eyes staring at her red bird on her mobile going round and round.

It just HURTS and getting it out and FEELING it and allowing myself to cry was what I needed to get me past that moment. I also called my mom and she listened as always. We don't talk about Tori everyday, but I know that when I do need to talk about her, my mom is always there willing and ready to listen. There's something about grandchildren that I hope and pray that I get to experience one day. Tori meant so much to all of our family.

I still haven't moved the majority of the things in her room since we brought it all home from the hospital. After 6 months in a hospital, one acquires a lot of stuff. I am hoping to get to this point eventually, and at least take her crib down and put a bed back in for our guests. Although she never slept in her crib at home, it is still symbolic of her and I have the hardest time even thinking about taking it down. I have decided that when I do go through and organize and put away her things, I will leave the paint and her name and pictures on the wall just as it was ready for her. We all still refer to it as "Tori's room." There is a dresser in it that holds some of Savannah's clothes and we will say "Let's go to Tori's room and get your pajamas." She will always have a place in our home, as well as our hearts.

Like I said, there is no apparent reason of WHY I have been feeling this way lately and especially today, other than the fact that as time goes by, things get a little easier....except when it hits, and then it hits HARD. Thanks so much for your continued thoughts, prayers and friendships.

I have also had 3-4 emails lately from people that have found my blog through different avenues. It thrills my heart and encourages my soul to hear them say they found my blog, read about my sweet Tori and just wrote to encourage me. Thank you all, for you know who you are. As time passes, people's lives change and get busy, and they forget about people's situations (just a fact of life) that yet leave others unforgettably changed.

The Lord always sends new encouragers (and even lifelong friends that have been made through this tragedy in my life) just when I need you. This blog, and Tori's caring bridge page, have been the most therapeutic things I could have done. Not only that, but it has touched others in His name, and that's more wonderful. Thanks for listening. Even though I don't blog near as much as I was, I still email friends everyday, so if you ever want to chat, you can email me at savannahsmom@mchsi.com Thanks for staying in touch!

Only 60 days left

I love this time of year (FALL) and knowing Christmas is right around the corner...only 60 days left til Christmas day to be exact! Some of you may be thinking "Oh, no, is it almost THAT time of year again??" I love it for new and different reasons this year, though.

Last Christmas, we were not able to attend church services around Christmas time because the month of December is when Tori was so sick and we feared to leave her side most of that month. Our church choir (who does a FABULOUS job at everything they put on) did a great musical that we only heard about, and I really missed being able to be there for it. I look forward to Christmas time at church this year and celebrating what Christmas first and foremost means. Our Savior's birth is something I am thankful for more than ever.

We also weren't able to have Christmas decorations, a tree, nothing in our new home. We had moved into our house a few months before Tori was born, so we've never had Christmas here in this home before. At Christmas time last year, I wanted nothing more than to be at home with my two girls celebrating Christmas in our home instead of a hospital room. We made the most of it, though, despite that being Savannah's first Christmas where she really understood everything and I so much wanted to have normalcy for her. I look forward to celebrating with her this year, and giving her the family Christmas' I grew up loving and cherish to this day. A piece of my heart won't be there with us, though, and that's sad to say the least.

The gifts are no longer a main focus for me as I've gotten older and also because of what last Christmas taught me. You don't need gifts to make Christmas special and worthwhile. We learned that on Thanksgiving day last year.

My whole family and I had Thanksgiving dinner outside of a family members home for the first time ever last year. We wanted to get out of the hospital for lunch, but the only place we could find serving Turkey and dressing closeby was...you won't believe it...Hard Rock Cafe. I assure you it was a Thanksgiving dinner like no other. We joked about making it a yearly tradition then, but I think we'll stay closer to home instead. :)

The fact that we were all together was all that mattered. We didn't need the fancy china or elaborate food traditions. When it came Christmas time, we realized having each other was more important than any gift we could give each other. I am reminded of that this year and will hold these lessons near and dear to my heart. I hope you will be reminded of the REASON FOR THE SEASON as well in the days to come.

There are still people just like us, that are where we were last year. I am not quick to forget about them. I think of all the children who will be in the hospital for Christmas this year with life threatening diseases, such as Cancer or complications like Tori had. Please pray for these families even now that their hearts will be comforted around this time of year. Tori had surgery last year and wasn't expected to live past December 12th, but the Lord brought her through that then and gave her a few more months to impact people's lives, most of all mine. So December is still a memorable month for me.

With Fall brings a transition...to the cool weather we are now enjoying, as well as holidays such as Halloween, Thanksgiving and then Christmas. This is by far my favorite time of year, but also a sentimental one as this was when Tori first became so sick and begin to change my life more than ever. It's hard to believe it's been almost a year since we went to vanderbilt (november 17th) and she began to get so sick. A lot of memories come back as I think about it all. It seems like just yesterday for me. I am thankful that the Lord has brought me this far, though, for it has truly been longer than just yesterday.

October 15th (continued)

I hope you had the chance to visit the website I posted about earlier this morning. It explains what October 15th stands for and that is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day. There are SO many people that I have come in contact with over this past year and a half since first having my miscarriage and then losing Tori, one being Angie Smith, who lost her daughter the month after Tori died.

I read her blog after posting this morning, and thought she had offered a wonderful idea. If you are reading this and have a lost a child of your own, in any way, please leave a comment and share your story with us. Every child that has died had a purpose in this world, even if their life was very short or never even got started outside the womb. It is only fair for us to recognize and honor their precious little lives to make them count for something. Angie invited others to do this, and you can read her blog under Bring the Rain on my side column. I, too, invite you to do it in the form of a comment on this blog. I will share my story first, and hope to hear from you, too. Every person's loss is important and worth sharing.

My name is Melissa Wilhoit. I lost a baby when I was 13 weeks pregnant. On January 23, 2007, my water broke that morning at work. My friend and coworker rushed me to the hospital where I had to have a D&C done. I was almost in my second trimester and was already beginning to show a little bit. It was amazing to read at the time what all had developed and what my baby was doing at only 13 weeks gestation.

In March of that same year, I unexpectedly became pregnant again. This time I became very sick around 24 weeks and did not know it was pre-eclampsia. When I went into the hospital at 28 weeks, they told me I was too sick and would be admitted into the hospital until my baby was born. Tori was born 5 days later which was 3 months early. She weighed 1 lb 9 oz when she was born and over 11 lb when she died on March 8, 2008. She fought for nearly 6 months and then her little body was too weak to fight anymore, and the Lord called her home at 6:55 a.m. on a snowy morning in Nashville, TN at Vanderbilt Children's Hospital.

It was the saddest and most memorable day of my life. I will never forget looking into my sweet child's eyes moments before she died, feeling her warm body in my arms and seeing her breathe when only minutes later, she laid cold in my arms, still, no longer breathing with her eyes closed.

It was the most surreal moment ever and one I will never forget. No mother should ever have to lose an infant child in this way or any other way for that matter. However, we live in a sinful, dying world where the Lord allows things like this to happen in our lives for a reason. I accept that, but it's still hard. I miss her dearly, as well as the other life I never had the privilege of holding, kissing, or seeing, although one day I will. I look forward to that day and am encouraged that she is there if she can't be here with me!

Your story doesn't have to be as detailed or as long, however, make it as personable, with or without as many details as you'd like. I'd love to share this experience with you today. We should stand together and be there for one another. If you haven't ever had the experience of losing a child, thank God and hug your children you do have a little tighter tonight. Our babies would have grown up to be children just like that.

October 15th

I found a website that has been set up in honor of National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Rememberance Day. You can check it out below. Most people aren't even aware of what this day is, but once you've lost a child by miscarriage, stillborn or infant loss, it means a little more to you to honor that life in any way possible. For us, we tried to honor Tori's life on her first birthday and do something good in her name. This day was set up for things just like that. For all mothers to honor and remember their baby they lost who is now in Heaven is a very good thing to do. Please pray for all the mothers out there today who feel the sorrow and yet rejoice over the fact that one day they will see their baby again.

www.october15th.com

Will post more on this subject tonight...

Political Issues

I just finished watching the debate. "What is our country coming to," is all I can say? I know with what I am about to say may not be what you personally agree with politically, but since this is MY blog, I thought I'd speak openly. To clear up the question you may be thinking: I don't agree with the moral issues Barack Obama stands for at ALL and will be voting for John McCain in 3 weeks, so now that that's out of the way, let me say what got me thinking about posting this blog.

They both disappointed me tonight when they stayed on the issue of negative campaigning far too long and seemed to bicker about it. I thought, "This is ridiculous!" There were so many other issues to discuss, and it's something that is about to be over in 3 weeks anyway. I hate when it all becomes like a soap opera. I despise politics for this very reason...there is so much bickering, slandering, backstabbing, etc., until it becomes down right disgusting. I can't stand how cut throat it becomes. You can't control what your supporters will say or do, although one should never agree with comments like "Kill Obama," etc. and I think McCain should encourage Americans that things like that are tacky and unneccessary.

Speaking of the election, we have a McCain/Palin sign in our yard, and our neighbor across the street had an Obama sign in hers. The next day after putting hers up, someone stole the sign out of the metal stand. I thought that was ridiculous. I choose to say, "we may disagree, but you have the right to have your opinion and I am not going to be hateful about it and steal your sign, etc."

I thought to myself "that's what ruins our reputations as Christians so many times....we claim to be or live one way with our mouths, and then we turn right around with our actions and do the exact opposite." What do you think doing that said to my neighbor about republicans? She was turned off even more and fairly disgusted with them I'd say. I know I would be upset if someone stole my McCain sign basically saying that you don't have a right to display your opinion!

We must be cautious while having heated debates with others at work, church, etc. We have to say what we believe, but we also have to display Christ by being respectful, loving and even accepting of others who see it differently than we do. One of my very best friends is voting for Obama, and although I jokingly gave her a hard time about it, I did dispute what I believe and why I think what he believes is wrong. We agreed to disagree and I believe that we both were the better for it.

As Christians, I believe that we should stand for what we believe, especially at times like this. Someone said to me recently, "what's the point in voting for McCain? It's all going to happen anyway so we're not going to make a difference in these moral issues by voting for him?" I was enraged inside because that was a BELIEVER asking me this! If that is your mindset, why not just give up now? For God's sake, please don't call yourself a Christian. The day that we say, "well, they're going to do it anyway, so we might as well not stand up for abortion being wrong" is the day we accept murder and mock God's word. The day we say that we aren't going to stand up against homosexuality and fight to keep this a country of mommy's and daddy's vs. 2 mommy's or daddy's for our children to learn about and accept is the day we accept filth for our children's minds and mock God's words again.

No, my one vote may not change the fate of the country, but standing for what I believe matters to me and I can assure you it matters to the most important person of all, and that is our Savior, Jesus Christ. I already am going to stand before Him so unworthy, ashamed of all I didn't do while I had the chance to live for Him....but I need to be striving and standing for what's right and I believe that is even in the form of voting according to what His word would have me to stand for. So seek what the Lord would have you do on this issue. Any comments are welcome. However, I forewarn you that I am not kept abreast on every single issue with these candidates, but the major issues I am familiar with. I do stand for what I believe in and I think that is the bottom line.

Brutal Honesty with God

Here is yet another devotional from Crosswalk that hit real close to home today. I LOVE seeing how God puts things in my path when I need them. If you read my blog last night, you will see how I need to be doing more of this...respectfully and humbly...but be very honest and open with God, instead of suppressing how I feel. I've shared this before but someone once told me throughout all this, "God is a big God, and He can take all your fears, disappointments, anger, etc." Why we think we can't tell Him something when He already knows every inner part of our being is beyond me?! Go have a nice, long talk with God after reading this...

October 8, 2008

Gut-Honest Prayers
Rachel Olsen

"The LORD has heard my cry for mercy; the LORD accepts my prayer."

Psalm 6:9 (NIV)


Devotion:

Have you ever grown frustrated with God over situations in your life? Have you gone to Him and poured out those feelings in prayer?



If so, you'll be able to relate to the prophet Habakkuk, who lived roughly 600 years before Christ. His book of the Bible begins with this complaint: "How long, O Lord, must I call for help, but you do not listen? Or cry out to you, "Violence!" but you do not save me. Why do you make me look at injustice? Why do you tolerate wrong?" (Hab.1:2-3, NIV).



God answered Habakkuk by telling him to be patient and to watch, that He will do amazing things and usher in justice -- but only in His timing.



Passionate, honest, gut-level prayers have been recorded through out the Bible. Habakkuk wasn't the only one to complain. Moses, Gideon, and Elijah all questioned God. Job even cursed the day God made him and said, "I loathe my very life; therefore I will give free rein to my complaint and speak out in the bitterness of my soul." (Job 10:1, NIV).



In his anguish, Job accused God of afflicting people for no reason (Job 9:17), overwhelming them with misery (Job 9:18), and not caring about injustice (Job 9:22, 24). Job even wondered if maybe God was laughing at the pain of the innocent (Job 9:22). None of these accusations are accurate -- far from it -- but we can sometimes feel that way in times of severe suffering or testing. God knows our deepest thoughts and feelings, so it's futile to think we can hide them from Him. Better to come clean with how we really feel, get it off our chest in prayer, and hopefully clear the way to hear and receive God's reply or comfort.



I've complained to God in the past for allowing my loved ones to die or fall deep into sin, for allowing valuable things to be stolen from me, for allowing my reputation to be unfairly tarnished, for allowing physical suffering in my body, or for not allowing what I felt I deserved. My goal is to be a woman of faith who can take such things in stride with Him. But when I'm losing that stride, I've found the best thing I can do is honestly take these feelings to God where they can be traded for His perspective and His comforting assurance.



Though God does not always change my circumstances the way I want Him to, He can and does change my perspective on those circumstances -- enabling me to endure them.



God listens when we complain about injustice. He understands when we feel shortchanged or opposed. Read through the gospel accounts of Jesus' life and you'll be reminded of just how much Jesus can relate to undeserved opposition!



Be honest before God in prayer today. While maintaining a holy respect for Him and thanksgiving for His saving grace, pour out the good, the bad and the ugly of your feelings. As Habakkuk, Job and others discovered, God can handle our intense emotions and questions. He may not explains Himself fully to us -- perhaps because we can't fully understand -- but He will flood us with His love when we come humbly and honestly before Him and pour out our heart.



Dear Lord, it is often hard for me to deal graciously with the difficult situations in my life. Help me to see them through Your eyes. Help me to endure, with grace, all that You allow into my life. Fill me with Your peace and love today. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Grief Counseling

So as my readers know by now, I am a pretty honest and open person about my feelings and thoughts and am therefore not ashamed to tell you the following. I have been going to grief/individual counseling for a few months now. After losing Tori, I at first dealt with it all pretty well I thought. But I realized I was supressing a lot of my feelings and it wasn't doing me much good. It was affecting some relationships and not allowing me to deal with some things head on as I should be.

I feel like so many times I appear to have it all together on the outside, mostly because I have been much like a presidential candidate's family (I'm watching the debate as I type this, so it seemed like an appropriate parallel in my mind), where likewise the spotlight is often times on the pastor and his family, putting all of their actions under a microscope to be scrutinized by others. I am used to it and expect it by now, to the point where I don't even think about it much anymore, but nevertheless it is something I conform to unfortunately too many times. Now that I am married and have my own family, it is not so much of an issue, but at times it still is. I have thought about this fact again during counseling.

I feel that I have to be the strong person and not a weak victim, so I have in turn supressed some of my feelings. Now don't get me wrong, I have found ENORMOUS strength in HIM (that is the ONLY way I have been able to go on a single day) but I have often times tried to put on a mask (yes, I'm admitting it) and smile through the pain underneath that mask.

I am human and I suffered something very traumatic...I lost a child, my daughter, who had her own little personality and makeup. She was a unique individual and she was a real person. She was not a fetus or a "pregnancy that was just not meant to be" as someone once told me after my miscarriage (yes, it's true). God brought that sweet baby girl into my life and I have felt the raw, real pain of having this loved one in my life one day, and gone the next. Any of you who have lost a loved one understand that pain.

I give God all the credit for any strength and supernatural peace I have shown and exhibited throughout this phase in my life. It is ONLY through Him (I cannot imagine how unbelievers get through something like this) that I have been able to get up everyday and not either A) want to end my life or B) not get up everyday and carry on with life. It would be so easy to give into the depression I have so much battled all my life. There is no doubt that God has been at work in my life and been my words, my thoughts and my actions when I had no strength to do so. I have said it before, and it was not just words, that there was NO way this was anything of MY doing- it is only through knowing Him as my personal Savior and Him carrying me (much like the infamous footprints poem).

The part I am referring to that we have been discussing in counseling is where I have tried to be strong ALL the time and not allow myself to feel this on a private level. I have discussed it in public, and more recently, much more comfortably. Likewise, I have tried to be strong for Josh. He was my rock the first 3 months, and since then, I have tried to be his. Being the strong superwoman I have attempted to be is not working on a private, personal level, though. I accept my human thoughts, pain and grief that even our heavenly Father felt when his Son died.

By the way, this IS Christian counseling. My counselor and I have discussed more open and intimate blogging as a type of "therapy" for me. I have expressed to her my love for writing in general, and she has encouraged me to be more open and honest in my blogging rather than holding back to simply appear strong when really I feel very weak. Like I said, I HAVE done this to an extent, but there has been an absence of blogging as well when I was feeling some of this. SO...I am taking her advice and doing my "homework" and blogging more often and more openly. Your unbiased thoughts (until you've gone through something like this) and prayers are greatly coveted as I continue to deal with and get through the hardest thing I have ever experienced and possibly ever will. This is where I can freely and openly express my thoughts, fears and/or anxieties...and this blogspot page is just that, mine.

Thank you for being understanding, loving and accepting. This loss is definitely not something you GET OVER. It is something that gets EASIER with time, but never truly get over. With prayer, being in God's word, counseling and even medication (yes, medication), I know this is something I can fully get through and live a victorious life on the other side of it all. I already experience much of the sovereign power God is pouring throughout my life...His Hand is so evident at work around me.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

***I truly hope Sonya doesn't mind me posting her email, but I wanted you all to see for yourself what joy and encouragement your gifts gave to parents in the NICU. It is NOTHING that we have done (I give this disclaimer anytime there is any credit given to Josh and I) but only made possible by HIM and in this case, using people like you and me. Thank you for being willing to give of your time, money and resources! I mean that from the bottom of my heart.



I think another neat thing Sonya said is at the end...that she hopes to be able to give to others, too, one day because of how someone gave to her. That's what "being the church" and ultimately a Christ follower is all about....showing HIS LOVE to others while we are temporarily here on this place called earth...and He has shown me how He equips us to do just that....He puts circumstances, situations and just the right people in our lives to give us the opportunity to shine His light and give Him the glory He so rightfully deserves.



Please pray for this little Tori...that God will continue to heal and strengthen her body as she does face many challenges ahead of her in years to come and also for her parents. Did I happen to say "thank you"?!***



Thank you to all of you who gave gifts to the HH NICU in Tori's memory. After taking it all and giving our contact information to the parents, we have received this email. "Ironically," one of the many babies we left a bag for was named Victoria, "Tori." I received an email from her mother and wanted to share it with you all so you could see first hand of what a blessing your gifts were. We couldn't have been a blessing without your thoughtfulness and generosity!! I have more items I am taking tomorrow and
am very excited to be able to do so again.



"Wilhoit family, Hi my name is Sonya Hamlin. I want to thank you for having such an amazing heart. Your kindness has touched so many people, I know it has deeply touched me, and I am a complete stranger.

I came one night to do my nightly vigil at my daughters bedside in the NICU at Hunstville Hospital and I saw a gift bag at the bedside. I sat down opened the card and my eyes filled up with tears. Tori's story is so touching. I felt so blessed that you shared her story and gift with a complete stranger. I looked into my daughter's isolette and she was sleeping so soundly and I felt such peace. Ironically my daughter's name is Victoria Lowe Hamlin and we also call her Tori. Tori was born at 34 weeks with her twin brother Alex on Aug 23, 2008. Alex was a healthy 4 lbs 12 oz.
Tori weighed in at 2 lbs 10 0z. From the beginning of my pregnancy Tori was given a 0 % chance to survive the 1st trimester due to her size. My husband Scott and I prayed the doctors were wrong. Tori did hang in there to prove the doctors wrong. We never could find the reason she was so small until she arrived. Tori was born with a rare syndrome called VATERs. She was born with multiple anomalies. Including a TE fistula which means the bottom part of her esophagus was attached to her trachea and the top part was not connected to anything. On her second day of life she underwent surgery to repair the fistula, under the care of God they were able to successfully complete the repair which they thought they would not be able to do. She herself was on weeks of TPN until she was finally able to swallow. She is missing her right radial arm bone and the ulna bone is severely curved, the left radial bone is shorter than the left ulna bone. She also has a tethered spinal cord. She faces may struggles ahead of her. Tori is small but mighty, she is a true gift from God.She is 6 weeks old now. We were able to bring her home from the hospital last week.

I visited your website and I can't believe how strong you and your family are. I draw so much inspiration from you and your family. You are an amazing mother. I just want you to know that I deeply appreciate your kindness. Please thank all of your friends and family for all the generosity. I hope to pass on your love and gift of giving back. God Bless You.

I truly believe your Tori is watching over my Tori from heaven.

Love
Sonya,Scott,Will,Alex,and Tori Hamlin"

Happy Birthday, Savannah!

My baby girl turned three years old yesterday (Saturday, October 4th). She had a "Princess Party at the Park" and all of her friends and her dressed up as princesses and had a fun day playing at the park! All I had heard was that she wanted a cake and to blow out her candles at the park, to dress up as a princess and twirl like a ballerina with Alaina and that she wanted a baby doll, Blues Clues toothbrush and gum for presents. My, how I wish the requests would be this simple all her life! :)





So, we did as she wanted, and she had a wonderful party with lots more presents than the few she requested (although she did get the things she asked for!) and she had a wonderful time. I am posting some pictures to show you of her special day.





I must admit it was sad to think of my sweet Tori not being there...to think that she would've just had her first birthday two weeks prior, and then Savannah would be turning three, and my girls would hopefully be the best of friends and playmates on this special day! I missed her immensely at the party yesterday.





Last night after her party I was watching some of the video, and saw a video of Tori and I the week before she died. We had not videoed very much all her short life, but instead took tons of pictures. I cannot put into words how precious and bittersweet it was to see her on video for the first time since she died, to see her hands moving, her eyes wide open looking around and responding to me talking to and laying in the bed with her. I know God gave us that special day together because that is all I have of a "real life picture" of her body moving and still being here with us. I will try to transfer it to my computer and show it to you all, it is SO incredibly sweet.





When I think of how Savannah came into this world 3 years ago, I truly took for granted then (as most people do until they've experienced what we have) the normalcy of her birth, with no complications, being able to bring her home 2 days later with me, and enjoying her first few months of life in the comfort of our own home and not a hospital. When she was born on Tuesday, October 4th, 2005 at 5:23 p.m., my life was forever changed. I am no longer the person I was before that precious baby came into my life. I now see how through every experience in our lives, God uses them to mold us and make us into the person that He has called us to be.





After having Savannah, I planned on having more children in the same way I did Savannah, with no complications and was ready for more because I had such an easy delivery and was encouraged by that. However, God had something different in mind. I am now truly thankful, and definitely don't take for granted, the health of my child and the three years I have had with her so far on this earth. I hope and pray that the Lord gives us many more years together, that I see her have children of her own (unless He chooses to come back first and I will be perfectly okay with that)! :)