Emotions Running Wild

The title in itself is enough to make some men not read any further. LOL. Most men anyway (not picking on men, just stating the facts). Feelings and such are not something men, and even some women, care much about expressing, nor are they very good at it.

Going to grief counseling has caused me to FEEL a lot more than I was. I have actually been able to FEEL and to deal with those feelings at the same time and it's working out well for me.

Since working at a pediatrics office part time, the Lord has brought SEVERAL people into my path where I have been able to share Tori's story and my reliance on God. I'm serious; just last week I talked with 3 different strangers about it in the most unexpected ways. I constantly see babies, several have had the name Victoria, and it sometimes strikes a conversation. I have been able to share with them that my faith is the only thing that has gotten me through. WOW. Nothing incredible on my part, just God putting others in my path and using my BAD for His GOOD. He promised me that, and He is fulfilling it over and over in many different ways and for that I am thankful.

I am thankful for those GOOD times, but I still have plenty of the BAD and the UGLY. For instance, tonight was one of the BAD times. For no reason at all, my wondering mind started thinking on various things about Tori and I had an emotional breakdown on my way home. It's been a week or so since I cried, so I was due. :) Reality hits me sometimes and I think about how I will NEVER hold her on this earth again, nor will I kiss her sweet face, or watch her little eyes staring at her red bird on her mobile going round and round.

It just HURTS and getting it out and FEELING it and allowing myself to cry was what I needed to get me past that moment. I also called my mom and she listened as always. We don't talk about Tori everyday, but I know that when I do need to talk about her, my mom is always there willing and ready to listen. There's something about grandchildren that I hope and pray that I get to experience one day. Tori meant so much to all of our family.

I still haven't moved the majority of the things in her room since we brought it all home from the hospital. After 6 months in a hospital, one acquires a lot of stuff. I am hoping to get to this point eventually, and at least take her crib down and put a bed back in for our guests. Although she never slept in her crib at home, it is still symbolic of her and I have the hardest time even thinking about taking it down. I have decided that when I do go through and organize and put away her things, I will leave the paint and her name and pictures on the wall just as it was ready for her. We all still refer to it as "Tori's room." There is a dresser in it that holds some of Savannah's clothes and we will say "Let's go to Tori's room and get your pajamas." She will always have a place in our home, as well as our hearts.

Like I said, there is no apparent reason of WHY I have been feeling this way lately and especially today, other than the fact that as time goes by, things get a little easier....except when it hits, and then it hits HARD. Thanks so much for your continued thoughts, prayers and friendships.

I have also had 3-4 emails lately from people that have found my blog through different avenues. It thrills my heart and encourages my soul to hear them say they found my blog, read about my sweet Tori and just wrote to encourage me. Thank you all, for you know who you are. As time passes, people's lives change and get busy, and they forget about people's situations (just a fact of life) that yet leave others unforgettably changed.

The Lord always sends new encouragers (and even lifelong friends that have been made through this tragedy in my life) just when I need you. This blog, and Tori's caring bridge page, have been the most therapeutic things I could have done. Not only that, but it has touched others in His name, and that's more wonderful. Thanks for listening. Even though I don't blog near as much as I was, I still email friends everyday, so if you ever want to chat, you can email me at savannahsmom@mchsi.com Thanks for staying in touch!