Grief Counseling

So as my readers know by now, I am a pretty honest and open person about my feelings and thoughts and am therefore not ashamed to tell you the following. I have been going to grief/individual counseling for a few months now. After losing Tori, I at first dealt with it all pretty well I thought. But I realized I was supressing a lot of my feelings and it wasn't doing me much good. It was affecting some relationships and not allowing me to deal with some things head on as I should be.

I feel like so many times I appear to have it all together on the outside, mostly because I have been much like a presidential candidate's family (I'm watching the debate as I type this, so it seemed like an appropriate parallel in my mind), where likewise the spotlight is often times on the pastor and his family, putting all of their actions under a microscope to be scrutinized by others. I am used to it and expect it by now, to the point where I don't even think about it much anymore, but nevertheless it is something I conform to unfortunately too many times. Now that I am married and have my own family, it is not so much of an issue, but at times it still is. I have thought about this fact again during counseling.

I feel that I have to be the strong person and not a weak victim, so I have in turn supressed some of my feelings. Now don't get me wrong, I have found ENORMOUS strength in HIM (that is the ONLY way I have been able to go on a single day) but I have often times tried to put on a mask (yes, I'm admitting it) and smile through the pain underneath that mask.

I am human and I suffered something very traumatic...I lost a child, my daughter, who had her own little personality and makeup. She was a unique individual and she was a real person. She was not a fetus or a "pregnancy that was just not meant to be" as someone once told me after my miscarriage (yes, it's true). God brought that sweet baby girl into my life and I have felt the raw, real pain of having this loved one in my life one day, and gone the next. Any of you who have lost a loved one understand that pain.

I give God all the credit for any strength and supernatural peace I have shown and exhibited throughout this phase in my life. It is ONLY through Him (I cannot imagine how unbelievers get through something like this) that I have been able to get up everyday and not either A) want to end my life or B) not get up everyday and carry on with life. It would be so easy to give into the depression I have so much battled all my life. There is no doubt that God has been at work in my life and been my words, my thoughts and my actions when I had no strength to do so. I have said it before, and it was not just words, that there was NO way this was anything of MY doing- it is only through knowing Him as my personal Savior and Him carrying me (much like the infamous footprints poem).

The part I am referring to that we have been discussing in counseling is where I have tried to be strong ALL the time and not allow myself to feel this on a private level. I have discussed it in public, and more recently, much more comfortably. Likewise, I have tried to be strong for Josh. He was my rock the first 3 months, and since then, I have tried to be his. Being the strong superwoman I have attempted to be is not working on a private, personal level, though. I accept my human thoughts, pain and grief that even our heavenly Father felt when his Son died.

By the way, this IS Christian counseling. My counselor and I have discussed more open and intimate blogging as a type of "therapy" for me. I have expressed to her my love for writing in general, and she has encouraged me to be more open and honest in my blogging rather than holding back to simply appear strong when really I feel very weak. Like I said, I HAVE done this to an extent, but there has been an absence of blogging as well when I was feeling some of this. SO...I am taking her advice and doing my "homework" and blogging more often and more openly. Your unbiased thoughts (until you've gone through something like this) and prayers are greatly coveted as I continue to deal with and get through the hardest thing I have ever experienced and possibly ever will. This is where I can freely and openly express my thoughts, fears and/or anxieties...and this blogspot page is just that, mine.

Thank you for being understanding, loving and accepting. This loss is definitely not something you GET OVER. It is something that gets EASIER with time, but never truly get over. With prayer, being in God's word, counseling and even medication (yes, medication), I know this is something I can fully get through and live a victorious life on the other side of it all. I already experience much of the sovereign power God is pouring throughout my life...His Hand is so evident at work around me.