Reminiscing

My birthday is a week from Monday and I was thinking back to my birthday last year with sweet Tori. It was WONDERFUL! That morning right as we got to the hospital, she self extubated herself (pulled out her breathing tube) and breathed on her own (with a little help from a nasal canula) for 36 hours before being put back on the vent again. They tried to rentubate her immediately but she literally bit down on the instrument the doctor needed to use to keep her mouth open and she would NOT let them do it! She was a fiesty one like her momma, I know! :) I just know she would've been a strong willed fighter for sure!!!

Since she fought it and they couldn't get it back in, she was doing well off of it so they decided to see what she could do on her own. She went 36 hours without the vent and it helped make her lungs stronger! Anything babies can do on their own (if even for awhile) helps them get stronger. We were so encouraged after this day. After seeing what she could do on her own, the doctors aggressively tried to get her off the vent after that day.

In the weeks that followed, they attempted to bring her oxygen levels way down and she did well at times. Her liver had just gotten so large because it was failing finally after not having real nutrition for awhile, so it became harder to breathe on her own. It is shocking to me in a way to think how well she did in that aspect and they were really shooting to let her eventually breathe on her own soon, and yet only a month and a half later, she died. It went down hill fast...like in a matter of 2 weeks. It was a major turn around from just a month before on my birthday.

All in all, I know God allowed these experiences so that as I reflect back on them, I see that His Hand was on us all the time, despite the outcome. She constantly did things (through Him) that couldn't be explained (although WE knew why). She defied the odds several times, when they thought she was too frail to go any further. I am thankful for all the experiences through Tori's life and what all it taught me.

"Tori, you are still and will forever be missed. I wish you were here for Mommy's birthday this year, but I know you are having the best party ever in Heaven and I can't wait to join you one day!!"

I've Been Held

I was awakened by our sweet puppies at 4:30 this morning and couldn't go back to sleep, so of course I laid there reflecting on what was going through my mind 2 years ago this morning as I was laying in bed. If you read my last post, you know why. I don't want to rehash all of it, but I do want to say this. I know God had a purpose for calling Aiden home early on, and I know He knew Tori's life would then be knitted together in my womb 2 months later only to call her home early, too. I look back and think that He knew both losses would happen, but WHY?? Not a WHY in the aspect of "Why did this have to happen to me," but a WHY as in "Why did He allow it and what does He want to use from it?"

These last few days have been filled with prayer more than usual. I am burdened for other people in my life: my husband, my families, other mothers who have lost their babies, and others. I have been asking God to give peace beyond all comprehension to these named people and to comfort them in a real, personal way. As I reflect on what happened two years ago, am I over the pain? No. I don't feel like I actually had time to grieve losing this first baby before getting pregnant with Tori again and getting my hopes up with her. But, somehow, 2 years later....I find myself so concerned with these people mentioned above and my pain seems to have peace cover it. It's hard to explain.

Instead of wallowing in my loss, I honestly just find myself wanting to help others. I don't say that at all for a pat on the back, but because I believe that the Lord has brought me to this place I could've never traveled to on my own. I'm reminded of Natalie grant's song, "Held," and how that's exactly what's been done to me....I've been HELD by God Himself. Here's the video to the song, I hope you'll take a minute and listen even if you've heard it before. I recently made it one of my ringtones because I love it so much.



I covet your prayers for the people I mentioned that are close to my heart lately, too. I fully believe that our Lord and Savior is pleased when He sees and hears His people having enough faith in Him to all call out to Him in their time of need or for any request we may have. He is pleased that we have that faith in Him and I believe He honors it. He may not always answer the way we'd like, but I know for certain He answers in a way that will work together for good.

I'd like to say something and no one comment on my faith, how much they admire me, etc., etc., for I am nothing but a sinner that continues mess up royally, but nonetheless I am saved by grace and so thankful for it!! I was thinking this week how Paul said we should be thankful for trials and rejoice in them...some might say: what??? Seriously, I have come to the point where I have said THANK YOU, Lord for allowing these things in my life for they have done what Romans 5:3 says they will...."we REJOICE in our sufferings for suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." AMEN!!

My Sweet Aiden

I have been dreading this next week just to be honest. Friday, January 23rd will be 2 years since I miscarried. When I say miscarried, some people just think of a minor passing of a baby, where the mother sometimes doesn't even know she's miscarried until she goes to the doctor and there's no heartbeat detected. That is a tragic loss in itself, and I don't mean to minimize the pain felt through it AT ALL. I'm just saying when I miscarried, I was the week before being out of my first trimester. I already had a little pooch and my jeans were definitely a little tighter than 3 months before. I had gained a few pounds and was looking forward to my morning sickness subsiding soon because the next week I would be out of the morning sickness period. I say all that to explain that I was far enough along that when it happened, it was the most AWFUL thing I've ever experienced, not an undetectable passing of a baby.

Little did I know when I woke up one cold Tuesday morning, while getting ready for work (where I now work again), my life would forever be changed in just a couple of hours. I woke up that morning with mild cramps. They seemed to get worse as I was getting dressed. My doctor's office wasn't open yet, so I went ahead and got ready and dropped Savannah off. As I was driving to work, I remember the cramps getting exceedingly worse. I planned to go on to work and then call my doctor at 8 am sharp and then them tell me to come on in then so they could check me and see what was going on. I tried not to panic is what I'm saying, and knew that I was right there close to my doctor's office as well.

I remember it being moments before 8:00 when I arrived at work and going up the elevator to the 3rd floor. I felt even worse by then. I thought, "I've just got to get to the doctor now." (My thoughts had changed this entire morning the worse I got to feeling, so yes, I was a little indecisive.) So, I decided to walk down to the second floor and tell the other secreataries that I had to go, but there wasn't time.

As I was huddled over walking down the hallway, because my pain had progressed so much by then (now knowing that it was contractions all morning, getting worse with time), my water broke. I looked down in shock and thought immediately "it is over." I knew my baby was going to die if not already. There is no way that a baby less than 20 weeks, not even hardly developed, could live. That was my first thought, that my baby was GONE: it was OVER.

I will never forget the horrific moments after that. I ran as well as I could downstairs (pardon the details, but it's apart of childbirth, so I'm over the modesty of it all) with amniotic fluid and blood continuing to come out, and crying, screaming, "NO! This can't be happening! I can't handle this! etc." I opened the office door and immediately told Deborah to take me to the hospital and we made our way to her car. We might should have called an ambulance, but we were right there near my doctor in Huntsville, and in a moment of chaos, she did what I asked and helped me into the car and rushed me there instead of arguing the point with me. (I am so thankful that she was there to help me that day.)

I've blogged about Deborah before and how special she is to me. We had gotten close while working there, but this bonded us immensely even more. I remember in all my crying and babbling in the car apologizing because her seats would be ruined! Even in all that, I was concerned about ruining her seats. She, of course, could've cared less. We got to the doctor and I had lost A LOT Of blood at this point. We had called my doctor on the way (NOT the one I go to now- Dr. Wheeler- he is wonderful!!) and told her exactly what had happened and she had me come to her office (which is connected to the hospital) despite all the blood loss and pain I was in. Deborah had to find a wheelchair and blanket to try and cover the blood, and wheeled me up. They took me back and I don't think they understood the severity of it until they saw me. They took me into an ultrasound room and the doctor came in and asked me some questions (by this time, I could barely talk because of the pain) and she simply patted my hand and said, "Well, this was just nature's way of taking care of a pregnancy that wasn't meant to be." If I would have had any strength in my body at all or in my coherent mind, I would have come off that table and given her a piece of my mind! Let's just I get in the flesh when I think back to that moment. How DARE you tell me that WHILE I'm laying here going through this, much less waiting til afterwards like it was no big deal.

So, she sent me over to the hospital and let me tell you in the nicest description possible (my husband and dad who had showed up by then, and Deborah, could vouch for me) that it looked like an animal had been slaughtered in that office. Looking back, I had lost so much blood and she said she still had patients to see and sent me over for them to prep me for surgery. By the time we got over there, I was passing clots as big as a baby itself and on the last one, the anthesiologist had enough and said, "Okay, put the doctor on the phone and let me tell her myself to get over here NOW." I am SO thankful for that anthesiologist! If he had not been there at that moment and made that call, there's no telling what the end result could've been. Nurses told us after I woke up that they see miscarriages everyday and even they were getting panicky and shaky.

There were 5-6 nurses working on me before the D&C and one I know was a Christian. During all the trauma, she had slipped out for a moment and then came back. Before they took me away to the D&C, she grabbed my hand and slipped something in it. It was a compressed nickel with an angel on it. She said she lost a baby, too, and she wanted me to have that because it had brought her comfort and that she would be praying for me. WOW is all I can say. "Thank you, Lord, for putting these people in my path as I look back and reflect on it all! You never left me or had forsaken me! Your presence, comfort and reminders that you would be there were there all along the way!"

So, after such a detailed post, that is where the name Aiden comes in. We felt with all our hearts that it was a boy, although they said the tissue was so thin, he didn't come out as a whole baby so there was no way to know. If it was a girl, though, we figured Aiden could be a girl's name, too, but I just loved the name and wanted to give him/her a name so they were real, and not just a fetus that some people might say you lost. He was a real, human, just too small, but with a heartbeat and body forming (Jeremiah 1:5).

I can't believe it's been 2 years, because honestly, that's when my story starts I feel like. Before that point, we were "normal" people. We had a daughter, good jobs, nice home and no real tragedy or problem had ever struck before. We thought, "that would never happen to ME." After January 23, though, life didn't seem so gentle and kind. I began to look at it as the RAW, painful thing it could sometimes be. The worse pain would came only months later, after I found out in March that I was pregnant again.

I hadn't even gotten back on birth control yet and was shocked. We didn't think it would ever happen like that. I remember being very SCARED, though, but after changing doctors (a MUST) we talked about the statistics of it happening again and I felt better. I did have some early on scares when I was pregnant with Tori, and they suspected I had actually lost a twin because of how severe the problems were and yet I had not miscarried Tori. I came to grips with the fact that I had lost 2 babies, but I had to still be strong for this other baby still inside my womb.

I remember praising Jesus, thanking Him for this life after our 20 week ultrasound revealing that all looked great and that we were expecting a baby GIRL!! It was Labor Day of 07 when we spent our day off painting the nursery. I knew I would be getting even bigger those last few months and wanted to be able to help with some things, so we painted and got it all ready that Monday. We already had the bedding from when Savannah was a baby, so it was easier to complete Tori's nursery this time. Little did I know that 3 weeks later, I would give birth to Tori 3 months early and so Tori's story begins there.

So when I say the last 2 years have been tiresome, trying and difficult, this is why. It seems like a whirlwind at times, and then when I journal like this, it seems like just yesterda and it is all still so clear again. There are MANY things I've questioned to God along the way like when I miscarried, I was 7 days away from having new insurance coverage so they didn't cover a dime of my surgery, hospital stay, nothing. We had been trying to get ahead financially, so not only had we lost our child, we have thousands in medical bills that racked up that we still make a monthly payment to. The same with Tori. She was a $3 million dollar baby. :) Now, I am very well aware that money is not the most important thing here, I'm just saying for a young couple who's trying to make it and get their finances in order, not only have we been hit with the blow of losing 3 children, but all the financial pressure that comes along with it. Hope that makes sense....

I KNOW, KNOW, KNOW God has a plan for me, though. There is a reason why I didn't bleed to death on January 23, 2007. There is a reason why I didn't die on September 20th when they were worrisome for my life and had to do an emergency c-section. Our worship leader said something last week that made me think about this time in my life and what God has in store for me. He said, "It's not so much about the destination sometimes, but about the journey along the way."

Maybe its not how many children I will or won't have or what I will have accomplished at the end of my life, but how I've used tragedies, flaws and struggles along the way. Will I use them for good in ways like encouraging other mom's like Reed's mom, who lost her son? Will I agree to minister to other ladies who are faced with some of the same things I've experienced? I want the answer to be YES. I want to be so sensitive to what God wants and how He can make a materpiece out of what seems to be a mess.

A little bit of Everything...

So, there's a little bit of everything I'd like to say in this post. First, about my new picture....the puppies and me....they are our newest additions: Molly and Max. Molly was supposed to be an early Birthday present for me, and when we went to pick her up, our friend said if we wanted him, too, she'd make us a good deal :) I thought at first, "Nah, Josh will never go for it and I'm not going to push the issue." However, I looked at him with my own puppy dog eyes and after seeing them together and I think his heart melted at that point, he said "If you want both of them, that's fine." Yipee! Now, they're malte-poo's (maltese and poodle mix) so the biggest they'll get is probably a little more or less of 10 lb. They will eat a tenth of what our lab outside eats and they have each other to play with and it's WONDERFUL! Now, neither one of us could imagine one without the other. Molly has officially become "Savannah's dog" so it's a good thing we got Max so I could actually have a birthday present. haha. I think Savannah and Molly will be lifelong friends! Molly loves to be carried, and well, we can't get Savannah to put her down half of the time. They are both doing REALLY well at potty training..thank God!! That was my only reservation about it all. They are doing better than Savannah was and is at times :) SO, that's the scoop on my new babies!!

Secondly, If you read my last post, you know that Reed Putman passed away last night. I CANNOT explain it, but after you go through the loss of a child, you have this bond with other mothers and families who experience it. You so desperately feel for them....a kind of compassion that I have never felt before. I went to Tori's grave today to sign some papers (we still owe a couple thousand on it :( and I of course went to her grave while I was there. I don't know if you looked outside today, but the sky was BEAUTIFUL! The clouds were parting in two from where I was standing at her grave and it was the bluest of blue skies I'd ever seen! It was perfect. I was there for awhile, just thinking and looking and listening to the silence (is that possible??) and how peaceful it all was at that moment. I didn't want to leave. I imagined Tori and Reed singing and praising Jesus together at that very moment. I believe with all of my heart that is the case and one day I will join in with them. I have been a little sad and down today I'll admit....I am getting a cold I think and Reed's passing just hurt me really bad, too. My spirits have been kinda down. But at that moment in the cemetery, I felt peace and contentment. Nothing else mattered. It was really a special moment. I will never forget it. Even after I left, I turned my music off in my car and rode in the silence all the way home. It was nice.

While I was at the office in the cemetery, I asked Brooke, who is a dear sweet lady, about the newest plot in the row right below Tori's. I had noticed the plot was a child's plot, too, and what the story was. She said she had been meaning to tell us, but there was a story behind it. There was a 6 month old baby (same age as Tori) who died from SIDS and when picking a place, Brooke had told them that Tori's spot was a baby that had died, too, and all about her story and what had happened. The mom immediately said we'll take the one right here below hers so they can be beside each other. I was in shock. The mom said to make sure she told us. I thought that was just a really neat and special thing, and Lord willing, maybe we'll both be visiting our daughter's graves at the same time one day and I'll get to meet and talk with her. That's my hopes. Please pray in advance for this to be the case....I have been convicted about not witnessing like I should, and what better opportunity to once again use Tori's life for the Lord's glory??? It gets me excited to say the least!!

Lastlt, Reed's visitation is tomorrow night and the funeral is Wednesday. I don't know if I'll be able to make it to the funeral on Wednesday because I have to work, but I plan on going to the visitation tomorrow night with a friend of mine. This will be the first time that I have been to a funeral home since Tori died or saw a baby in a casket either, so I am a little apprehensive. However, I know that with God's strength I can go and be an encouragement to this family just as so many did for me that I had never even met. I said on my CB page today that God allowed this in my life for a reason and I'm not going to pass any oppotunity up to use it for His glory. Your prayers for their family and my words to say or not say is appreciated.

Thank you prayer warriors. I love you all dearly.

Baby Reed is with Jesus

My heart is broken into a million pieces for the Putman family tonight. His caringbridge page has not been updated yet, but I was told earlier tonight that Reed passed away around 6 PM tonight. I know God was glorified all throughout his 2 months of life. His parent's strong faith impacted many people by showing how the Lord can work through the trials in our lives if we glorify Him through it all. The Lord knew exactly how many days Reed had on this earth, just as He knew the same for Tori, and just as He knows for you and I. Still, on this night, I know their hearts are broken; his parents, grandparents and extended family members as well. I ask you to pray for them all tonight and in the days ahead.

I can only think back to the morning Tori passed away. It was a snowy, cold morning in Nashville and I remember how beautiful it was outside, but it was the complete opposite inside. I remember her taking her last breath right in my arms and the gut wrenching, heart breaking pain I felt. I know Tina feels this same way as a mother tonight. I don't know the arrangements or what they will do next, but I do ask you as my blog readers to reach out and encourage this family by simply leaving them a note on their caringbridge page if nothing else. In the days ahead, as they deal with the grief they will feel as they wake up to their son no longer being at the hospital to visit, their lives will never be the same to say the least. Losing your child is the worst pain ever I truly believe!!!

Another side note...PLEASE pray for Tina and Jonathan's marriage in the days to come. They are strong Christians, I know, but losing a child and dealing with grief takes a toll on your marriage. I'm just being honest and transparent with you....You both grieve differently and you never want to begin blaming each other or pushing each other away through the hardest thing a young married couple can ever endure...Satan tries to use things like the death of a child to break up marriages. I never understood until after losing Tori of why they told us 75% of couples divorce after losing a child. I thought "that number is entirely too high." Neither person knows how they are going to react or what the pain that grief brings you will do to you. Right after Tori died, it drew Josh and I closer, we were able to be there for each other during the hardest time in our lives. But after you make all the arrangements, have the visitation, go through the funeral and graveside service, take care of things days after it all, you are left with this numbness in your body and you don't know where to start first. I remember thinking, "Okay, what now??" It all sinks in and you're never prepared with what you'll do after losing a child. NO ONE is prepared to grieve a loved one until you're actually doing it. There's not a class you take to prepare you for it, but the only hope for me was knowing Jesus as my personal Lord and Savior. He truly gave me a peace beyond anything I could have comprehended....even on the really bad days that I STILL have, nearly a year later.

All that to say that they WILL need prayer for their marriage in the upcoming days and that their hearts will be comforted, their faith will be strengthened, their joy restored and their marriage to stand strong through it all. I pray that they never blame God or pull away from Him. It is so easy to do. I pray that He gives them that same peace that I know only He can give. It is such a sweet, sweet peace and can only come from Him. Nothing else on this earth will be able to fill that void.

Thank you for listening, family and friends, and for praying for this sweet family. I have no doubt that God had a plan for Reed's life and his conception, birth, and 2 months of life on this earth were not a coincidence. Conception in itself is a miracle and the fact that he was ever formed together by God in his mother's womb says so much (Psalm 139:13). God had a plan for him even then (just as He does for each of us--Jer. 29:11)!!

5:45 p.m. Central Tonight

Do you believe in Matthew 18:19-20??? “Again I say to you that if two of you agree on earth concerning anything that they ask, it will be done for them by My Father in heaven. For where two or three are gathered together in My name, I am there in the midst of them.” If you do, please join me in praying at 5:45 tonight for baby Reed Putman.

I have asked my readers to pray for him already about a month ago. He is now very critical, as they believe his kidneys and liver are no longer working well at all. Tori became just this swollen and sick and I remember so vividly what it was like to see and experience it all at this point. As a mother, you feel helpless and know all you can do is PRAY. (don't you know that He wants us to get this to point where we are totally helpless and reliant on Him???) You know the Lord will work this out for good, but you want to be faithful and ask Him to heal and spare your baby's life, too!!!

If the Lord has taught me anything through Tori's 6 months on this earth and through her death, He has taught me about true compassion. I only thought I was compassionate for people before. Reed and his family are weighing heavy on my heart, and I want nothing more than to see the Lord do a miracle here in his life. However, we will accept His will whatever he decides. Until we know the outcome, though, we will gather together and PRAY!! So, at 5:45 p.m. central tonight, please stop, even for a moment, and lift little Reed up! His parents will be praying over him in the NICU as well as family and friends praying in the waiting room. Claim Matthew 18:19-20 and pray fervently. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, and I know from the Putman family.

www.caringbridge.org/visit/reedputman

His Unfailing Presence

As some of you may know, I am one of the part time secretary's at a church here in town and I love what I do. I love designing publications, creating powerpoint presentations for the services, etc. I like to be creative and "play" around on a computer as my job; it can be quite fun! One of the things I like to do is find neat poems, quotes, clip art, etc. and it usually ends up encouraging ME instead of just encouraging others. One of those was a poem I used yesterday. It was titled: His Unfailing Presence. I have a lot of things on my heart and mind for 2009 and it's almost like a clean slate where I am asking God to write out the plan. I am anxious to see what He's got in store. This poem was just perfect with how I'm feeling about it all. Have a read.


His Unfailing Presence
Another year I enter
Its history unknown;
Oh, how my feet would tremble
To tread its paths alone!
But I have heard a whisper,
I know I shall be blest;
"My presence shall go with thee,
And I will give thee rest."

What will the New Year bring me?
I may not, must not know;
Will it be love and rapture,
Or loneliness and woe?

Hush! Hush! I hear His whisper;
I surely shall be blest;
"My presence shall go with thee,
And I will give thee rest."

Pretty simple, I know. But pretty encouraging to know He will be there through everything 2009 brings and that I shouldn't worry about it all. I was reading Philippians 4:6 today, "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God." This should be my life verse!!

Letting Him Lead

So, I'll be perfectly honest and admit that at times I can be a control freak. I'm not much of a follower, and was always that strong willed child that the book is written about. I pretty much make up my mind about something, and that's that. People have told me before, "That's good, at least you can stand up for what you believe and not have people run all over you." Unfortunately, that's not always been the case. I am just as much a people pleaser at times- where I want to make peace and please others, even though I have my own thoughts or ideas. Some may call that humbleness, but really it can be straight out people pleasing, not always a good thing either. So, if you're strong willed like me, or have a domineering personality, you may have a problem letting God LEAD at times. Our strong willed spirit CAN be used for good and make us a good leader, administrator, etc., but it can also be very BAD if we use it the wrong way. The worst way is if we think WE can lead GOD. Not happening.

A friend of mine sent me the poem below and I just loved it. I thought it was perfect to use as my resolution for 2009. I have lots of thoughts, plans, dreams and desires I'd like to see come through for this year, but all of those things for Him may be completely different. The question is, will I let Him lead?? It's almost a daily struggle for me, something that has be worked at, tweaked, and a challenge to overcome at times in various situations. The strong willed spirit in me sometimes has to take a backseat to what He has planned for my life instead. Tori's life is a wonderful testament of that. I couldn't have stopped her death, but how I responded afterwards was the option that I had control over.

In 2009, I would like to give the Lord the steering wheel, truly let Him LEAD, over MY life, my husband's life, my child's life and everything in our paths such as our church, our jobs, etc. I hope you'll read the poem below and LET HIM LEAD. (sometimes easier said than done, I know, but trust me, you'll reap better rewards in the end if you do)

Dancing With God
When I meditated on the word Guidance,
I kept seeing 'dance' at the end of the word.
I remember reading that doing God's will is a lot like dancing.
When two people try to lead, nothing feels right.
The movement doesn't flow with the music,
and everything is quite uncomfortable and jerky.
When one person realizes that, and lets the other lead,
both bodies begin to flow with the music.
One gives gentle cues, perhaps with a nudge to the back
or by pressing Lightly in one direction or another.
It's as if two become one body, moving beautifully.
The dance takes surrender, willingness, and attentiveness from one person and gentle guidance and skill from the other.
My eyes drew back to the word Guidance.
When I saw 'G: I thought of God, followed by 'u' and 'i'.
'God, 'u' and 'i' dance.'
God, you, and I dance.
As I lowered my head,
I became willing to trust that I would get guidance about my life.
Once again, I became willing to let God lead.
My prayer for you today is that God's blessings and mercies be upon you on this day and everyday.
May you abide in God as God abides in you.
Dance together with God,
trusting God to lead and to guide you through each season of your life. This prayer is powerful and one of the best gifts we can receive.
There is no cost but a lot of rewards;
so let's continue to pray for one another.

Author Unknown