It's Here...One Whole Year

Well, I don't know that I really have any profound words to say, or anything very inspiring; I'm just "here," hanging out in this place they call grieving. It has been a year today since Tori died, almost down to the minute...it was 6:55 a.m. when she died and it's a little after 7 a.m. as I write this. Lot's of different thoughts run through my mind on this bittersweet morning.....

The first thought actually is "Blessed Be the Name of the Lord!" That is the honest to God truth. I don't say that to be some spiritual heroin. Everytime we have sang that song in church or I've listened to it in my car, I have always thought that is what I will still CHOOSE to say, despite the "desert place" I had to walk through at such a young age in life. All we are put here for is to give Him the glory He so rightfully deserves and to have a relationship with Him. I sometimes stink at diligently and daily studying His word and pursuing that relationship like I should, something I'm very convicted about and want to do better at and MAKE TIME FOR HIM just like I do other things in my life. I honestly want to give Him all the glory, though, having no pride or haughtiness on my own selfish, fleshly pleasure. So anything you read or see in me, is simply a work of God. I am NOT a perfect person, don't claim to be. Just a sinner saved by grace, and I'm asking Him to mold and change me every step of the way. I will CHOOSE to say BLESSED BE THE NAME OF THE LORD because it COULD be really easy to be upset, disappointed in and angry with God, but I know His plans and thoughts are higher than mine, therefore I will accept them. I will not argue or question them, for He knows the number of hairs on my head...who else could possibly have such wisdom?? No one. So, I will continue to lean on Him, trust in Him, strive to walk daily with Him and finish the race that I've started!!

The second thought is how grateful I am for what all the Lord has taught me over the past year, and for all of the people He has brought into my life during that time as well. Satan literally has tried to steal my joy, kill my marriage, and destroy my faith over the past year. He meant SO much bad over the past year since Tori's last breath in my arms, but the Lord has turned it around for so much good. Slowly but surely, I see things that were SO bad that have started to come around in a different direction. I have recently been convicted about praying for my husband and daughter like I should be, and am adamant about committing to praying for them like I should. I have been so fearful of death since Tori died, and am going to HAVE to daily give that to God if I expect to receive peace over it.

Someone asked me just yesterday did I think the one year anniversary of her death is harder than the holidays were? I replied yes. The reason is because in my mind I think about the fact that it has been one whole year since I last held her, kissed her, touched her hand, saw her breathe, and had her right there in front of me. She was "real." She was alive. Still here and able for me to be with her. Today marks one year since I've been able to do any of those things and it hurts. I don't want to forget that freshness of seeing her on that last day, of taking her out in the snow in Nashville and what it was like to hold her for the last time. (BTW- I thought it was so ironic that it snowed here a week before her death last year when it snowed then, too.)

Back to the being thankful for people the Lord has placed in my life.....I received flowers from one my blogger friends on Friday....white roses....they are beautiful. She took the time out of her busy schedule and spent her money on flowers to reach out and encourage someone she had never even met. I thought that was so incredibly compassionate of her and very encouraging to me to know someone cares about me and hasn't forgotten my baby's life and the raw pain I feel because of her death. We also received the sweetest card from another friend who has followed Tori's story since caringbridge....she is such an encouragement and has been every step of the way. The Lord knew I needed her and her gift of encouragement in my life. I also correspond through email with Baby Reed's mom through email and look forward to meeting her in a couple of weeks. Her due date with him would've been Friday, so please pray for her. Despite that, she wrote me to encourage ME. After receiving these things from these ladies, I just thanked the Lord for all the people and friends He has brought into my life and His provisions along the way!

There's so much I could say about Tori....her beautiful eyes, the way she loved her mobile, how she recognized and followed her mother's voice, and how beautiful she was. I only wish I could've brought her home for even one day and had a chance at real life with her. Away from all the hospitals, nurses, tubes, needles, etc. However, that wasn't God's plan. He used all of those things I mentioned to grow my faith, expand my knowledge of what parents and families go through and made me stronger because of it. I would have NEVER dreamed of being where I am now than where I was before Tori's birth. I was just going through life, being a lukewarm Christian, not really appreciating my salvation like I should or thinking anything in life could ever go really wrong...this wrong....and that I had it all together. WRONG ANSWER. The Lord literally shook me....transformed my faith and restored my vision....set my focus on Him. I may stray and have to be reminded of His faithfulness and goodness from time to time, but I can honestly say for the long haul, my feet are planted in deep and I am walking the rest of the way with Him. I won't look back or waiver to the crooked path....I've already been there and I don't want to go back. Satan, get under my feet!!

If you will, just pray for me, my husband, our marriage, my family, my daughter and all who loved our precious Victoria Leigh Wilhoit. She was truly a gift from God, her name meant Victory, and I truly believe that even in death, she had the Victory through Jesus Christ! I have no doubt where she is, and I know I will see her again one day because of my salvation. I cried and could barely tear myself away from her little coffin at her funeral as they were going to put the top on because I knew that would be the last time I would see her little face on this earth....but the next time I see it, it will be even more beautiful, and she will have a perfect and healthy body. Thank you, God! Blessed Be the Name of the Lord!

Here is a very personal video from about two weeks before Tori died. I was able to lay in the bed with her, and there's no audio on it right now, but she was looking up following my voice as I was talking to her and her oxygen sats stabilized and she was the happiest, calmest when i was laying with her. There is also a snippet of the day Savannah visited at the beginning. Soemthing I'm so thankful to have on video.