Please Help...

I am asking for some help with a very important cause. I have already asked some of our close friends and people we go to church with, but now I am also asking people I have not ever met in person, but know that they have been so loving and generous to our family through such a difficult time in our lives. I have seen and felt the generosity and kindness from complete strangers until it absolutely overwhelmed me! I am asking for your generosity to now help benefit a very important cause here locally in the Huntsville area. Let me explain.

When Tori was born, she was 1 lb 9 oz and was lacking the ability to be able to maintain her own body temperature. There were a lot of things that were still underdeveloped and not completely done forming yet. For example, I remember that when she was born, the cartilage in her ears had not formed yet, so her little ears would fold over if she layed on them for too long. Her lungs were not fully developed causing her to be on the vent for the first 5 days of life and after that on a CPAP and nasal canula until she became sick again. She was then put back on the vent in Nashville. Because of her prematurity, she also had to be fed through a line in her belly button for a week or two and then through a tube in her mouth because she did not have a sucking reflex yet.

Probably one of the most important things I mentioned that were very premature, was her inability to keep her body warm on her own. The beds they put them in are VERY warm until we as parents would get hot sitting beside her for hours on end. That is how much help they need to keep their body temp up. I remember being told our first week in the NICU that she was in a Giraffe Omnibed. I thought "Okay, that's great," but didn't truly understand the difference in those and the other beds there. I soon found out, though.

Her bed kept her body temp just where it should be, and with her temp probe, it would alert the bed if she was getting too cold, causing an alarm to sound and the temp would be adjusted. The other neat part about it is that it has two doors on both sides allowing nurses, doctors and parents to be able to get to the baby without having to always take her out and risk her getting cold. That is why it was very rare that I held her and she was 2 weeks old before I ever did. If she did need to be gotten to quicker than that, though, the top electrically comes up and the baby is right there at easy access. There is a foot pedal at the bottom that electrically moved the bed up and down to put the bed at just the right heighth for whoever needed a good view of the baby as they changed a diaper, took her temp, etc.

Because these beds are over $40,000 each, Huntsville is trying to purchase these beds as funds are raised through things like Swim For Melissa. You can go to Amy George's blog and read more about her story in case you haven't heard it. Three years ago, she had twins and they were in the Huntsville NICU. Ann Catherine survived, but Melissa did not. Now in Melissa's memory, she raises money for these lifesaving beds that helped babies as tiny as mine and hers!

My dad had emailed and later met Amy after Tori was born, thanking her for the work she is doing and providing these awesome pieces of lifesaving equipment for babies like ours. We never even knew what a Giraffe Omnibed was, much less did we think we'd ever have to use one!

I desire even more so to see more of these purchased for HH NICU because of the situation I saw while we were there. The tiniest and most critical babies got these beds first, and what if there was another baby a little bigger that needed one just as much? Well, let's work together to alleviate that dilemma.

We have personally set a goal of $1500 and I believe we can reach it. We donated the first $10 and I am asking for another 139 people to donate $10 to reach the rest of our goal. I have had a few people already donate more than that, and that was a great start! We have 44 days left to raise the rest of our goal, will you sacrifice a couple of fast food meals this week and give your $10 to this great cause instead? I understand as well as anyone that money is tight and the cost of gas, food, etc. are rising daily. But I know that I could afford at least $10 to give to this very worthy cause.

I am personally doing this in memory of my sweet baby Tori. She was able to survive as long as she did because of equipment like these beds. I want another baby to have that same opportunity, too. If you will click on the link below and donate on the screen under our goal. When you're done, please forward this link to your family and friends and ask them to donate as well. I thank you in advance for helping us. It means a lot to me!

Tori's "Swim for Melissa" donation page:
https://www.swimformelissa.org/mypage.php?p=13

"Long time, no see"

I have had several emails written over these past 10 days asking if everything is okay here because I haven't posted anything. I guess when a regular blogger doesn't post in over a week, one might be curious as to why. So, if you were worried for any reason, don't be, I was simply on a mini vacation! :) Yep, that's right! Two days after I wrote last, I went with a friend of mine and our kids to her hometown in MS for a week. We just hung out with her family while our kids had a blast getting spoiled by the grand and adopted grandparents! :)

We then ventured to Birmingham on our way back and went to a water park, Alabama Adventures (some of you may know it), and again, the kids had a blast! It is so much fun to just see Savannah having the time of her life! I watch her and soak it all up knowing she won't be this little forever. I also think of Tori a lot and what she would be like at that age. I have lots of bittersweet feelings and thoughts all at once the more Savannah grows and enjoys life, although it is without her sister along for it all.

I watched Savannah love on a baby today at the church I'm working at, and she rubbed her arms, her legs, held her hand, kissed her hand and said "momma, look at me loving this baby!" It is a neat thing for her to experience, but all the time I'm thinking in my mind, "yes, baby, I see you loving on her. And I wish to God that you had your baby sister here to do that with everyday." She doesn't understand it all, so I never do say that, but it crosses my mind. I just want her to be able to know and love that precious baby that was here on this earth for almost 6 months. I want her to know that she had a sister, that was just like that precious little baby she was loving on today.

On another note, I am beginning the newest Beth Moore Bible Study with a wonderful group of ladies within our church. I was out last week due to vacation, so today was my first time to be present in class. I thoroughly enjoy Beth Moore, and encourage you to do this newest study if at all possible! Beth speaks so well and relates to exactly what women are feeling and going through until she is able to encourage you spiritually in a way you might have only dreamed possible! I cannot explain it well enough- you just need to check it out for yourself. It is called "stepping up," and I'm so looking forward to where God plans to take me through this journey. It focuses on the Psalms and I knew I always liked them, but I am reading and seeing them differently now than I ever have before!

In the Psalms there are all kinds of tones being expressed. There are complaints being said to God, there are sorrows being expressed, there are praises to His name for His wonderful works, there is sadness over losses, their is comfort and security and many more. I don't see how anyone could not read Psalms and there not be a specific verse (or probably more than one) that is fitting for them in their current journey in this life. I found several.

On yet another note, I am really burdended for quite a few people at this time. I made several friends throughout this journey with Tori, some of whom I've never even met in person, but know through an email relationship. Nonetheless, these people are dear to my heart because they cared enough for me and my sweet baby girl and they prayed me through the most difficult time in my life. One of those people is a friend of mine, Natashya, and her family. They got together at their church and had a prayer time one day where Tori was covered in prayer at a critical point. Her family were great prayer warriors on Tori's behalf. Many of my readers probably know her and the situation at hand, but if you don't, let me share as best as I can and ask you to pray.

Natashya's mom had been sick and they then thought she had a bad gallbladder infection, so they went in to take the gallbladder out hoping to solve the problem. While doing this surgery, the doctor discovers what he thinks may be liver cancer. Just to be honest, I am appalled at this the first time of hearing it all! I was one of those psalmists complaining at first. I think, no, Lord! This family has been an encouragement to me and I do not want them to suffer or feel the pain I have felt!! I begin to weep and pray. It really, really burdened me for some reason.

I then think about my best friends in Dothan, and his dad, having to have major surgery at UAB, when doctors in Dothan were very worried for his life. He has come through surgery and I thank the many of you within our church and other friends of mine for praying for him. Please continue to pray for him as this major heart surgery has changed a lot in his day to day life. We are thankful for the doctors ability to do the surgery well, but we ask for victory and healing in his everyday life! I was very upset to first hear of this all back then, though, remembering what a blessing this entire family was to me as they prayed me through a time in my life when all I could do was lean on their prayers.

There are countless other stories I could tell, such as the Smith's who lost their daughter right after Tori died, and how their nephew died of SIDS last month at 2 months of age. Completely healthy, beautiful little baby boy. Just a horrible "accident" (but then God makes no accidents, right?). What a lot for that family to endure, losing two precious babies within weeks of each other.

I know that is just life, and things happen like this contantly in people's day to day lives, but I have to be honest and admit that I'm not always "okay with it" at first when hearing about it all. When we first learned that my dad might have cancer again, but I couldn't tell you all yet, I thought "God, you have GOT to be joking me, right??" I can't lose him, too! But somehow through all these crazy, sorrowful, sad things I mentioned, God has a purpose for each life, for each family, for each person affected by each one of these. I've said it before, but He is omnipotent, onniscient God preparing the way for our lives, and as it was reinforced to me through my Bible Study so far, He always has our best interest at heart. It may not always seem like it, but He does. That is why I was able to turn my "upsetness" and complaining into praise and thanksgiving followed by my requests being told to God.

I ask you to pray for each of these families, and also an unspoken on my heart and mind. Satan is really trying to mess with me in some ways the closer I get to my Creator, and he doesn't like it all one bit. I ask the Lord to safeguard my mind and my heart that I will be able to do things like this Bible Study without being torn down or discouraged by different things.

One last thing, I am going to begin a really organized prayer journal. I wanted to ask if there were any really urgent or serious requests like I mentioned above that you are really struggling with yourself or within your family. People have been so diligent to pray for me, until I only want to give that much back in return times 100! You can comment it so others can read it and pray for you, too, or you can email it to me and I will keep it confidential. I had someone do this awhile back and I really am glad she shared it with me and asked me to pray. Please feel like you can do the same. Love to you all. I do feel like it's been awhile.... :)

VBS

We just finished up Vacation Bible School at our church and I was honored to be able to teach 3rd graders this year. When I was a child, I always said "When I grow up, I want to be a teacher, and I want to teach 3rd grade." I thought they were old enough to read and follow directions, but not "too old" yet. Well, I finally got to teach 3rd grade- little did I know that God would use me to do so in VBS!

I thoroughly enjoyed my kids- they were a great group! I probably learned just as much from them this week as they did from all of us! The majority of my group were very familiar with all the Bible stories we talked about, they knew exactly where books in the Bible were when we did something similar to Bible drills, and many shared about their salvation. I had 2 girls that did not know alot of these things, but I am thrilled to say, they accepted Jesus as their Savior on Wednesday!! I was so ecstatic to know that I will now see these 2 girls in Heaven one day, along with my sweet baby Tori!! The Lord is still using Tori's life in small ways, just as He did this week.

Tori's life and death have become so much apart of who I am, because of the experience, feelings, etc., until I can't help but think of and share it all when it comes to various issues. Especially heaven, and especially salvation. Let me explain. As the 2 girls and I talked about the plan of salvation, heaven, etc., I also shared with them that I have a baby in Heaven and that I will be able to see her again one day in her perfect body when I get there. I explained that the only way I will get to see her is because I am saved and have that relationship with Jesus Christ. I hoped that made them understand more about Heaven, that it's real, because it's a real, tangible thing I will get to experience because of what I believe and that I am saved. I know it really clicked with one of the girls about what salvation meant, that she believed everything I had taught, and that heaven seemed real because of what she told me the next day. As she was leaving the classroom, she said something I will never forget. It may not sound that profound to anyone but Tori's mother, but that's okay.

We had all clapped and celebrated hers and the other little girl's salvation and told them how excited and happy we were for them. As she was leaving the room after that, I said "Deborah, everyone is so happy for you to know that you'll be going to Heaven with us all one day!" Her reply was that she was excited too, and that she would now get to see Jesus and my baby, too. WOW. It really clicked with her. Heaven seemed untangible to her through some of the questions she was asking me that day, but when I shared what I did with her, it seemed real.

The Holy Spirit drew that little girl to the place in her heart where she knew that she needed Him. Her mother told me at Family Night that some of the questions she had had were confirmed and she was so glad that she finally understood and had accepted Him! I will pray for her, that the Lord will grow her throughout the years and remind her of this committment she made at VBS all those many years ago.

These that I shared were only 2 of 11 salvations this week, PRAISE THE LORD!! All of the hard work decorating, planning lessons, craft preparation, snack donations, everything done by any of our volunteers this year helped plant a seed in these 11 children's lives. I am humbled that the Lord allowed me to be apart of it all. I look forward to next year!!

March 8, 2008

As I've told you before, I am working 4 days a week this summer at a church here in town watching their 2 year olds. I am there for 4 hours in the afternoon and relieve the all day people. At that time, a baby teacher leaves, too, and there are usually 1-2 babies left. I have now held a baby since being there and today I held a different baby. She seemed really tiny, like she couldn't possibly be but a few months old, but I didn't really know just how old. I studied her chubby little feet, with the tiniest toes squirming around. I looked at her hands, they were so tiny. I hadn't seen hands and feet this tiny, this close up, since Tori's. It was so neat to look at them, and yet so hard in a sense. I asked one of the girls how old she was, and she had just seen something that day saying that her birthday was March 8, 2008. My heart sank. I thought back to that snowy day in Nashville, and how dreadfully cold it was that day. It was snowing in March! I didn't remember the date because of the snow, though; but instead because it was the day that my baby girl saw Heaven for the first time!

I thought back to that morning, and how I saw her that last time, that last hour, that last minute, taking her last breath. I thought about how this baby took her first breath, her first cry, her entrance into this world the same day that a baby an hour and a half away was taking her last. I was reminded of the song we sing that I love so much...."He gives and takes away, He gives and takes away, my heart will choose to say, Lord, blessed be your name!" I realized that I was holding a baby that came into this world on the same day that I felt like mine was falling apart. What gave this baby more of a reason to stay here rather than Tori? I'll probably never fully know that answer until I reach heaven. I would be lying if I said that thought didn't enter my mind, though.

All I do know is that His word is true and He promises to never leave me nor forsake me when He does see fit to take away. Do I understand it all? No. Is it easy to accept everyday? No. Do I praise Him anyway? YES. Do I know that He has a plan for my life, for Tori's, even for this baby that I was holding today? Yes. He has a plan for each of us. Some may call it coincidence, but I think of things like this happening today as blessings...in the midst of my storm. There are little things like this everyday that teach me mini lessons, even when I'm not expecting them. I was thankful, as well as sad at the same time, when all this rushed into my mind this afternoon.

I was also faced with something else today, and I hope to explain more in the upcoming days, of why God would "take away" someone we love if He is such a caring, loving God. Try explaining this to a nonbeliever, or even someone who may be a believer, but is so blinded with anger, hurt, confusion and doubt in such a dark time.

I found out today that I work with the sister of a girl who was killed a few weeks ago on Jeff Rd. She was in a bad car accident and was killed instantly. She and her husband had just bought "church clothes" that week, with them all layed out to go to our church the next day. He ended up wearing his new suit and tie to her funeral instead. They have a 1 and 3 year old. He is very angry and upset with God right now. The sister put it to me that He wants to know why a loving God would take away a 25 year old wife and mother? She was going back to school, had lots of plans and her whole life ahead of her. In that moment, as I listened to what she was saying, I felt his pain. I was mad, too, that my daughter will never have the chance to go to her first day of kindergarten, lose her first tooth, paint her first picture, have her first sleepover, go on her first date, get married or ever have children of her own. I felt his anger, but Higher than that, I felt a peace that He doesn't have in his life.

The ironic thing to all this is that my dad preached her funeral. They asked my dad to do it, because they had planned to come to our church and hear my dad speak that next day. Unfortunately, she was killed before she was ever able to come and hear the good news. She may or may not have accepted Christ as her savior, but as far as we know, she had not. She desired to be there, wanting something different for her life, though. Sadly, so sadly, she didn't have long enough.

We may never know the day that it may be our last, or our neighbor's, or a family members. We never know when He may allow things to happen in our lives and "take away," but how will we respond if and when that happens? I had to explain to her briefly, but will share more in the future for sure, that although He "allowed" it to happen, things like this ultimately happen because of the sinful world we live in. Yes, I fully believe God could have prevented that wreck and spared her life. I fully believe that He could have healed Tori's body and made her a completely healthy baby girl. However, He did not see fit to do either of those. He chooses to give, just as he did with this baby's life that I held today, and He chooses to take away, just as he did with this wife and mother and Tori.

I ask for earnest prayer that the Lord will prepare my words, my path and my direction in the days ahead...that He will ordain every word and action as I speak about His love despite all the bad things, the pain, the heartache and trials in this life. I would love to see this man come to Christ, knowing that it was not the Lord's "ungoodness" for this happening, but instead let him know that He is a God who loves him, wanting to wrap him in his arms and be there for him and his 2 children during this time.

The extended family of the lady killed visited our church Sunday. They wanted to see where and what she was wanting to go for. I pray that the Lord will work in their lives as a family over these next several weeks. I know that March 8, 2008 was not in vain. I know that the Lord had something greater in mind when he called Tori home. I know that she heard Him calling, and she went to be with Him. Unfortunately, I can't say for sure that this dear lady is in Heaven tonight.

I hope that this may cause someone to wake up, allowing them to see that they don't have forever, that we never know when our last day will be our last. If you haven't accepted Him, I encourage you to tonight. If you have, join me in prayer for this man and his family that they can experience what we have. I am clinging to the Lord's promises through this ever changing and emotional time in my own life...as He continues to bring things and people in my path like this that need Him...that through Tori's life, He can use me to reach. This is also what "being the Church" is all about....to those unchurched, hurting people out there. Join me in this desire to make an impact for the cause of CHRIST.

Blessed be your name
In the land that is plentiful
Where the streams of abundance flow
Blessed be your name

Blessed be your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be your name

Every blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name

Blessed be your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be
Blessed be your name

Blessed be your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be your name

Every blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, Blessed be your name

3 months

Today has been 3 months since I saw my sweet baby girl with her eyes open or held her in my arms. It's been 3 months since her heart beat or her lungs took a breath. In those 3 months, I've cried, I've laughed; I've been sad, I've been happy; I've had bad days, I've had good days. I've seen good and bad things happen; I've celebrated my sisters wedding, I've found out that my dad has some health problems and been praying privately that it wasn't cancer. I've seen and felt a lot of different things to say the least. I've gotten up every day, and I've faced each one with His grace and His help. Not a day has gone by that He hasn't had to help me get through.

His peace is amazing to me. I can even see the difference in how I felt then, on that day, 3 months ago, and how I feel now. He continues to grow me and work in me as time goes by. I didn't think that was even as possible as it has been, but it is.

I miss her SO much. I look at her pictures and her locks of soft "chicken hair" and I yearn to bathe that little girl, feed her a bottle, do everything a mother is supposed to do for her baby. I see babies everywhere. I wonder if Tori would be doing what they're doing. I wonder if she would be smiling, cooing or how she may have progressed by now. I know the Lord could have healed her and had her home by now, helping her get through any setbacks if it would have been His will.

Until I see her again, I will think of her everyday, on every holiday and birthday, she will be very remembered and cherished. She was such a sweet girl that fought so hard and was so brave. She had a little personality all of her own. She was so special.

A special thank you to all of you who have shown your support to Josh and I over these past 3 months. We received hundreds of sweet cards, generous gifts and many prayers that have definitely sustained us during this time. Thank you to all my close friends who have either listened to me if I chose to talk about this all, or those who have stood by as I chose to be silent a lot of the time. Grief is never what you expect and you never know how you will respond to a loss. I'm just glad that I still got up everyday. I appreciate all of my friends' patience, support and prayers.

"Tori, I miss you so much tonight. I wish that you would have been here on your Aunt Mere's wedding day. I would have loved to have dressed you up in a little white dress to match your big sister. We still have your room just as it was when you left us, I can't bring myself to change it. Savannah, and daddy and I, still call it "tori's room" and probably always will. I wish you were here for your big sister to get to know you. She would have loved a baby to play with. She plays with a baby at her new "school" and just laughs and laughs with her. It broke my heart the first time since holding you that I held a baby again, which was about 2 weeks ago. I saw you and thought of you only. It was very difficult, but I had to do it at the moment. Now, I'm glad I did. Doing that and actually using your name everyday by talking to a little girl in my class named Tori, makes me think of you often and I think it even makes the pain a little less to bear every time. No one will ever replace you, though. Nothing will ever fill the void in my heart. You are my precious angel that I wish I could see just one more time, but I know your place is in Heaven now. I look forward to the day that I can see you again. I can't wait for your sister to meet you. Your daddy misses you and talks about you often. You are daddy's girl, just like your big sissy. I hope you know how much I fought for you, stayed by your side and loved you more than anything in this world. Much love my baby girl. Always and Forever, Momma"

I Surrender All

I shared this video with my church family and many responded that it was what they needed at just the right time, so I thought I would pass it on to any blog readers that might want to see it, too.


Todd Smtih "I Surrender All" from Matthew Singleton on Vimeo

Background information- Todd and Angie Smith lost their daughter after only 2 hours of birth. They knew around 20 weeks that she had some fatal issues, but they prayed for a miracle. I have shared their story with you all before, and Angie's blog is on the side column of mine, but to refresh your memory, the Lord saw fit to take Audrey home rather than heal her precious, little body on this earth. Instead, she is in heaven now with Tori, and they are singing, dancing, worshipping and playing together I fully believe!

The family was interviewed by a local church in Nashville and I have shared that video with you all as well. I have now seen the song that Todd sang that day, "I Surrender All," and I have never heard a more powerful version knowing what he had went through and yet being able to sing these words that day. He was able to surrender everything, even his daughter's life, willingly and without grudge, all for the glory of God. And my, the glory HE has receieved! What an awesome God we serve Who takes bad and turns it around for good. I can attest to that in my own life.

I hope I don't have you all thinking that my life is rosey all of the time, though. Because believe me, it's NOT. I am a work in progress, just like the rest of you. The Lord is working in me and showing me new things everyday. My levels of trust that I've had that I thought were so high, well let's just say that He makes sure I mean it! He must trust me an awful lot that I trust him! (lol) Seriously though, I find a new level of trust and what it means to TRULY walk with Him in every situation in a new and unexpected path that I never thought I'd travel before. I will share more at a later and more proper time in my life when I am able. All I can say now is....God wants to know if you surrender EVERYTHING. Not everything but "this," or everything but "that," but ALL of it.

We sang "Tis so sweet to Trust in Jesus" this past Sunday. I stopped singing for a moment and just read the words on the screen. I challenged myself with everything going on in my life, and said to myself, "Do you really believe that? Do you really take Him at His word? Is it really sweet to trust in Him despite everything around you?" I must say, sometimes it's not. But that's where the surrendering to Him comes in. If and when we surrender all, we can experience the JOY and the VICTORY He wants us to find on the other side of all the trials we face and so diligently learned to trust Him through.

God's Sense of Humor

I started a new job yesterday. It's just for the summer, and it's only 4 hours a day Monday thru Thursday, but it brings in a little money and gives me something to do while still being able to be with Savannah. She's actually in my class, too. I'm teaching 2 year olds at a church here in town. There's also another little girl in the class that I think I will be quite fond of. I watched her a lot yesterday, just staring into her big, blue eyes and looking at those big, brown ringlets bounce as she ran around. When I heard them call her "Tori," I froze.

Tori is not a common name. When we named Tori what we did, I knew NO ONE with that name and hadn't heard it in quite awhile. Out of all the classes there for me to be teaching, and the many kids' names out there, to have a Tori in my class had to be God showing me His sense of humor I thought at first! :)

After telling this to a friend of mine yesterday evening, she told me that she had prayed that there wouldn't be any difficult situations there for me to run into (meaning there would probably be babies there, and she prayed that it wouldn't be painful for me. That's another subject, but just to be honest, it hasn't been the easisest thing for me to be around them, but it's getting better). She went on to say that the Lord must know better than she did of what kind of challenges I must be up for! :)

I thought about that statement, and how this could be a growing thing for me as I continue to grieve. It may not all sound like a big deal, but just to call her name out loud, "Tori, come here," or even weirder, because Savannah is in my class, say "Savannah and Tori" in the same sentence. Just saying it out loud was weird in itself, but to watch her mannerisms and see her smile, is just like watching a 9 month old baby, which is what Tori would be this month. It's heart wrenching to say the least; it's amazing to say the most!

So many thoughts and emotions went through my head yesterday, and I don't mean to sound like I am saying that God was playing a big joke on me or torturing me by any means, but I think it's kind of humorous, or enlightening I guess, that He would allow a little girl to be in my class named Tori....a name that is not common and not really expected. But then God works through us in the unexpected, right? I pray that He will use me as I love on and minister to these little children...children are my heart and I love them dearly.