3 months

Today has been 3 months since I saw my sweet baby girl with her eyes open or held her in my arms. It's been 3 months since her heart beat or her lungs took a breath. In those 3 months, I've cried, I've laughed; I've been sad, I've been happy; I've had bad days, I've had good days. I've seen good and bad things happen; I've celebrated my sisters wedding, I've found out that my dad has some health problems and been praying privately that it wasn't cancer. I've seen and felt a lot of different things to say the least. I've gotten up every day, and I've faced each one with His grace and His help. Not a day has gone by that He hasn't had to help me get through.

His peace is amazing to me. I can even see the difference in how I felt then, on that day, 3 months ago, and how I feel now. He continues to grow me and work in me as time goes by. I didn't think that was even as possible as it has been, but it is.

I miss her SO much. I look at her pictures and her locks of soft "chicken hair" and I yearn to bathe that little girl, feed her a bottle, do everything a mother is supposed to do for her baby. I see babies everywhere. I wonder if Tori would be doing what they're doing. I wonder if she would be smiling, cooing or how she may have progressed by now. I know the Lord could have healed her and had her home by now, helping her get through any setbacks if it would have been His will.

Until I see her again, I will think of her everyday, on every holiday and birthday, she will be very remembered and cherished. She was such a sweet girl that fought so hard and was so brave. She had a little personality all of her own. She was so special.

A special thank you to all of you who have shown your support to Josh and I over these past 3 months. We received hundreds of sweet cards, generous gifts and many prayers that have definitely sustained us during this time. Thank you to all my close friends who have either listened to me if I chose to talk about this all, or those who have stood by as I chose to be silent a lot of the time. Grief is never what you expect and you never know how you will respond to a loss. I'm just glad that I still got up everyday. I appreciate all of my friends' patience, support and prayers.

"Tori, I miss you so much tonight. I wish that you would have been here on your Aunt Mere's wedding day. I would have loved to have dressed you up in a little white dress to match your big sister. We still have your room just as it was when you left us, I can't bring myself to change it. Savannah, and daddy and I, still call it "tori's room" and probably always will. I wish you were here for your big sister to get to know you. She would have loved a baby to play with. She plays with a baby at her new "school" and just laughs and laughs with her. It broke my heart the first time since holding you that I held a baby again, which was about 2 weeks ago. I saw you and thought of you only. It was very difficult, but I had to do it at the moment. Now, I'm glad I did. Doing that and actually using your name everyday by talking to a little girl in my class named Tori, makes me think of you often and I think it even makes the pain a little less to bear every time. No one will ever replace you, though. Nothing will ever fill the void in my heart. You are my precious angel that I wish I could see just one more time, but I know your place is in Heaven now. I look forward to the day that I can see you again. I can't wait for your sister to meet you. Your daddy misses you and talks about you often. You are daddy's girl, just like your big sissy. I hope you know how much I fought for you, stayed by your side and loved you more than anything in this world. Much love my baby girl. Always and Forever, Momma"