March 8, 2008

As I've told you before, I am working 4 days a week this summer at a church here in town watching their 2 year olds. I am there for 4 hours in the afternoon and relieve the all day people. At that time, a baby teacher leaves, too, and there are usually 1-2 babies left. I have now held a baby since being there and today I held a different baby. She seemed really tiny, like she couldn't possibly be but a few months old, but I didn't really know just how old. I studied her chubby little feet, with the tiniest toes squirming around. I looked at her hands, they were so tiny. I hadn't seen hands and feet this tiny, this close up, since Tori's. It was so neat to look at them, and yet so hard in a sense. I asked one of the girls how old she was, and she had just seen something that day saying that her birthday was March 8, 2008. My heart sank. I thought back to that snowy day in Nashville, and how dreadfully cold it was that day. It was snowing in March! I didn't remember the date because of the snow, though; but instead because it was the day that my baby girl saw Heaven for the first time!

I thought back to that morning, and how I saw her that last time, that last hour, that last minute, taking her last breath. I thought about how this baby took her first breath, her first cry, her entrance into this world the same day that a baby an hour and a half away was taking her last. I was reminded of the song we sing that I love so much...."He gives and takes away, He gives and takes away, my heart will choose to say, Lord, blessed be your name!" I realized that I was holding a baby that came into this world on the same day that I felt like mine was falling apart. What gave this baby more of a reason to stay here rather than Tori? I'll probably never fully know that answer until I reach heaven. I would be lying if I said that thought didn't enter my mind, though.

All I do know is that His word is true and He promises to never leave me nor forsake me when He does see fit to take away. Do I understand it all? No. Is it easy to accept everyday? No. Do I praise Him anyway? YES. Do I know that He has a plan for my life, for Tori's, even for this baby that I was holding today? Yes. He has a plan for each of us. Some may call it coincidence, but I think of things like this happening today as blessings...in the midst of my storm. There are little things like this everyday that teach me mini lessons, even when I'm not expecting them. I was thankful, as well as sad at the same time, when all this rushed into my mind this afternoon.

I was also faced with something else today, and I hope to explain more in the upcoming days, of why God would "take away" someone we love if He is such a caring, loving God. Try explaining this to a nonbeliever, or even someone who may be a believer, but is so blinded with anger, hurt, confusion and doubt in such a dark time.

I found out today that I work with the sister of a girl who was killed a few weeks ago on Jeff Rd. She was in a bad car accident and was killed instantly. She and her husband had just bought "church clothes" that week, with them all layed out to go to our church the next day. He ended up wearing his new suit and tie to her funeral instead. They have a 1 and 3 year old. He is very angry and upset with God right now. The sister put it to me that He wants to know why a loving God would take away a 25 year old wife and mother? She was going back to school, had lots of plans and her whole life ahead of her. In that moment, as I listened to what she was saying, I felt his pain. I was mad, too, that my daughter will never have the chance to go to her first day of kindergarten, lose her first tooth, paint her first picture, have her first sleepover, go on her first date, get married or ever have children of her own. I felt his anger, but Higher than that, I felt a peace that He doesn't have in his life.

The ironic thing to all this is that my dad preached her funeral. They asked my dad to do it, because they had planned to come to our church and hear my dad speak that next day. Unfortunately, she was killed before she was ever able to come and hear the good news. She may or may not have accepted Christ as her savior, but as far as we know, she had not. She desired to be there, wanting something different for her life, though. Sadly, so sadly, she didn't have long enough.

We may never know the day that it may be our last, or our neighbor's, or a family members. We never know when He may allow things to happen in our lives and "take away," but how will we respond if and when that happens? I had to explain to her briefly, but will share more in the future for sure, that although He "allowed" it to happen, things like this ultimately happen because of the sinful world we live in. Yes, I fully believe God could have prevented that wreck and spared her life. I fully believe that He could have healed Tori's body and made her a completely healthy baby girl. However, He did not see fit to do either of those. He chooses to give, just as he did with this baby's life that I held today, and He chooses to take away, just as he did with this wife and mother and Tori.

I ask for earnest prayer that the Lord will prepare my words, my path and my direction in the days ahead...that He will ordain every word and action as I speak about His love despite all the bad things, the pain, the heartache and trials in this life. I would love to see this man come to Christ, knowing that it was not the Lord's "ungoodness" for this happening, but instead let him know that He is a God who loves him, wanting to wrap him in his arms and be there for him and his 2 children during this time.

The extended family of the lady killed visited our church Sunday. They wanted to see where and what she was wanting to go for. I pray that the Lord will work in their lives as a family over these next several weeks. I know that March 8, 2008 was not in vain. I know that the Lord had something greater in mind when he called Tori home. I know that she heard Him calling, and she went to be with Him. Unfortunately, I can't say for sure that this dear lady is in Heaven tonight.

I hope that this may cause someone to wake up, allowing them to see that they don't have forever, that we never know when our last day will be our last. If you haven't accepted Him, I encourage you to tonight. If you have, join me in prayer for this man and his family that they can experience what we have. I am clinging to the Lord's promises through this ever changing and emotional time in my own life...as He continues to bring things and people in my path like this that need Him...that through Tori's life, He can use me to reach. This is also what "being the Church" is all about....to those unchurched, hurting people out there. Join me in this desire to make an impact for the cause of CHRIST.

Blessed be your name
In the land that is plentiful
Where the streams of abundance flow
Blessed be your name

Blessed be your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be your name

Every blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name

Blessed be your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be
Blessed be your name

Blessed be your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be your name

Every blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, Blessed be your name