Pictures from Tori's Celebration of Life -- Part 2

***The captions are above describing the picture below.***

This was hanging on my hospital door a year ago to the day as we reused it at the celebration of her life party.



Josh said he remembered writing this on it just like it was yesterday....my, how time flies.



We had a book at the entrance that people wrote sweet and encouraging messages in to Josh and I. We will cherish this book and it's words for years to come.



Chatting with some of our guests.



Amy George blogged about how we just cried and hugged when we saw each other, and this is a picture that Emily, my friend and photograpger, got of that sweet moment. Amy and I had only corresponded through email and mail before this day, so it was a real joy to finally meet such a kindred spirit through the most difficult thing in my life. She has been an inspiration and encouragement to me through what she's done through her own daughter's life, Melissa, and how she has kept her memory alive since. Doing something good in our precious babies name is a wonderful way to help others, yes, but to also help us heal as we grieve for them.

I was fortunate to meet a few other people this day whom I had never met in person, either. They had followed Tori's story on caringbridge for several months, and we had emailed and "met" that way, but when they gave of their time and resources to come this day to encourage a stranger, a sister whom they had never met, it was awesome. Thank you for you few who did this, you know who you are.



The kids were enjoying watching baby Tori on the TV! Cayden is pointing at her in excitement.



Stuffing my face for the first time all day! and chatting my special friends who have walked this road before us...Dave and Gracie and their little boy, Ronald, whom they have adopted since being in our shoes. They are currently trying to adopt another little girl, too. I think it's awesome to do that and give of yourself in this capacity. You are giving another human being a chance at a better life and loving them like they're your own, never thinking for a moment that they're not. I think adoption is pretty amazing...

By the way, if you have followed my blogging for any time at all, you will recall me meeting Gracie while standing in line for a consignment sale in Huntsville before Tori died. She walked up to me, a complete stranger, and asked, "Are you Tori's mom?" She had been given our website and recognized me that day. What a wonderful way God brought us together. They lost a baby at 9 weeks old due to similar circumstances, and it has been encouraging to know her since we met. She came to Tori's visitation and funeral and was a real blessing and encouragement to me. God has defnitely put Tori in other people's lives for a reason, and then other people in our lives as well. I love to look back on how God orchestrates things and does things without us ever knowing what's going to happen! I never knew standing in line one cold, early morning that I would find a lifelong friend.



Such a faker!



Ellie is the first baby girl that Josh has held since Tori. She came right to him and as it was for me the first time I held a baby again, I think it was really good for him.



Cutting and serving Tori's cake



As people came and went, they had an opportunity to watch Tori's video (below).




More mingling and chatting with special friends! Lori is due right near Tori's due date, please pray for her for a safe delivery.



(Hershey's) Hugs and Kisses from Tori for children that attended!



My dad gave Ellie a rose and she was being a "flower girl" by shaking petals everywhere. It was cute!

Pictures from Tori's Celebration of Life -- Part 1

Our "theme" was "Tori was a precious gift from God." Her cake was in the shape of a gift and it was her signature color, pink. There was a small wooden cross beside it that said "Every good and perfect gift is from above." She was truly a good gift in our lives, and her body is now perfect in Heaven. I thought this "theme" was only appropriate because we were asking others to bring "gifts" to the NICU as well. It all worked well together.



Our beautiful display of refreshments we had. I had the best friends as volunteers that helped me so much this day!





All of my family members present and I released butterflies together on the back deck. Everyone gathered around us as my friend, Stephanie, shared about how a butterfly symbolizes how a mother has lost her child and is willing to let it go. I had first heard this from another friend of mine, Deborah, and after looking online, I found some beautiful quotes about it. Read two posts on Amy George's blog about the butterflies that day. She puts it into words well. It was beautiful and sentimental to say the least.





Deanna knitted some hats small enough to fit on 1 pound babies! Tori received and wore several of these when she was in the unit. What a blessing all of these past and present knitters are!



My brother, Micah, watching Tori's video that we had playing (that you can watch below as well.) It was special and heartbreaking to look back on where she was, where she had come to and what our prayers and thoughts were at that point. It was made a week before she died.



This was sent to the funeral home for Tori and I have kept it on a table in my den because it gives me such comfort that my baby is truly now an angel in the hands of God! She is there with the greatest Protector and Healer of them all! Just think about it....



Savannah loves her "big girl friend," Abby.




This is me and ellie...the little girl of my friend, Stephanie, who helped me put this special day together and make it such a success. Stephanie and I were originally due a month apart, and then Tori was born 4 months before Ellie was. It was VERY difficult for me to be around babies in the beginning, and now it is still hard to be around newborn and smaller babies because in my mind, that's what Tori was when she died. But I can tell that I am healing and growing because I love holding and loving on Ellie! She is precious.



Stephanie and I with all of our girls! What a special day it was for us all!



The BIG Sister! Savannah was so funny and got me in a bind...she asked was Tori going to be there that day and blow out her candles...I said "No, baby, remember she is in Heaven with Jesus?!" She thought a minute and said, "well, is Jesus going to be there??" Oh my goodness, how do I explain this to a two year old!! :) It was cute. She did, however, tell someone that "Jesus isn't going to be there." Oh my.



Will display part 2 later. Got to get ready for church. Have a wonderful Lord's day!!

Week of Blessings

This has been a good week. Considering where I was only a year ago at this time, we have come through a lot and are still coming through a lot, but we are at least getting somewhere I do believe.

After posting pictures of what all we received at Tori's Celebration and letting you know that we would be going that next day to deliver them, a lot has happened. We did go that next morning and met our nurse and friend, Amanda, there at the hospital and loaded all of our stuff onto a cart and wheeled it up to the unit. When the doors opened, it was sudden, but there we were, back in this place that I had come to know so well. Where I had spent hours and hours at, literally.

We saw several of the nurses and one of Tori's doctors, all of whom we recognized and they recognized us...when you're there as long as we were, you kind of have to get to know people! :) In a way, I felt like I had never left because as Josh and I walked around the unit, we immediately thought and told Amanda that all the beeps, alarms, smells, sights, etc. made us feel like we had never left. All at once, time seemed to stand still. Six months since we'd been in this type of atmosphere...it's hard to believe it's been that long when honestly, I always think it's just been a couple of months.

As we walked around, we had the chance to see and talk with several parents. I was afraid I would become too emotional, and didn't want to discourage any parents by saying, "Hi, I'm here because my daughter died." I wanted them to have hope, to know that their daughter or son DOES have a chance. I simply told them that we were there doing this because we have been where they are, walked in their shoes, and felt what they feel during this emotional roller coaster. Amanda was very good at helping me get out at times; I didn't really realize just how difficult it may be emotionally at times. It was healing for me, though, I truly believe.

We saw babies that were the same exact size as Tori was...one was 1 lb, 6 oz, almost exactly what she was when she was born. Although she had changed so much by the time she died, I could still see her face on that baby laying there, so tiny and petite. He had a long, narrow face with a tiny feeding tube out of his mouth...just like Tori did for so long in the beginning.

We saw another baby in the EXACT spot where Tori FIRST was in the unit, and I am not exaggerating, it looked JUST like her. It was a little girl that was very swollen just like Tori was when she got real sick and I literally had to do a double take. I could NOT take my eyes off of her. There are SO many different bed spaces in the unit, and she was in the exact one that Tori was first in when she was still in the Giraffe Omnibed!! It was weird, but sentimental to me.

The first mom that we talked to had a baby boy in the EXACT spot she was in her last few weeks there. I remembered sitting right where this mom was standing when they didn't give me much hope for my baby girl, and that is when we decided to do the transfer to Vanderbilt. That spot was where the Flight nurses and EMT came in and loaded my baby up. That was her last night at HH NICU. I truly, truly remembered it all like it was yesterday. It was very surreal.

It could have been very difficult, but I made it into a positive thing in my mind. It made me want to do more, somehow, in some way. I so badly wanted those families to know how much I cared about them, how bad I wanted to reach out and hug them and cry with them. For the sake of not looking crazy, I didn't yell out what I was thinking deep inside! I wanted to tell them so much, to encourage their hearts. I hope we were able to do just that in some small way. We gave each parent that was there a bag, with a note inside of Tori's story and how they could contact us if they would like. I told them what all of YOU had done by raising these items just for them. These parents were blown away and so thankful that a complete stranger (and many unseen others) would give of their time, money and resources to give to them and their precious baby. So again, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Sorry, just hold on through this post, it's going to be a lengthy one I can tell. I haven't filled you in all week, so I have a lot to tell...bear with me.

That day as we were getting in the car, Josh asked me a question we have asked ourselves several times, and that was, "So when are we going to hear something from Vanderbilt?!" Being there got us both to thinking about everything in the world I'm sure, and that was still a question on the top of our list we've had unanswered, and that is, what was Tori's diagnosis??

If you followed Tori's story for any time at all, you will recall her being so incredibly premature in the beginning, 712 grams to be exact. She was so small that she could not tolerate her feedings. I remember them telling us countless times that her body is not truly ready to be doing this just yet, so we are trying to force and train it to do something that it's just not ready for yet.

She just never could tolerate it. Every time we would try to increase how much feeds she was getting, she would vomit and have different issues. Needless to say, she was on TPN more than she was feeds. We tried everything, from breast milk to several special formulas, everything. Nothing worked. We wondered why she had so many feeding issues, and really, this was her only issue until we transferred to Vanderbilt and that is when she got real sick.

Back to our unanswered question, we were still waiting on Tori's autopsy results. We had it made up in our mind, because of all the unexplained things to so many physicians and specialists, that this was some type of metabolic or genetic issue. We had done several tests before she died, and everything had come back negative. They tested for everything they could possibly think to test for. If she matched a similarity in the smallest way, they tested for it. Well, they did the same thing after she died. They did extensive and thorough tissue sample testings which is what has taken so long. They tested for other genetic or possible causes and that's what we've been waiting to hear about.

Well, I say this has been a week of blessings because first of all Tori's party was a blessing to me. It was a blessing to see all of the people come and do something good in her name and in her memory. Then Sunday, we had a WONDERFUL time of praise and worship at Church. We did the musical, "Thank You, Lord," by Don Moen and it was powerful for me. I enjoyed it immensely and felt like I was at the throne of Jesus Himself, right with my daughter, praising Him together. Then Tuesday, we were able to go back into the NICU, a hard, but wonderful thing we got to do. I was so blessed just to be there and be a blessing! I would do that all the time if I had the money and the time. I love to give! Anyway, that afternoon was also a blessing in disguise.

I got a call that afternoon, out of all afternoons, from Vanderbilt, and it was Tori's main attending physician wanting to give us the results of her autopsy. I was shocked. We had waited for months, and now, out of all days and weeks, it was today. I somewhat dreaded it to be honest, because I expected to hear the worst. He proceeded to tell me that it was NOTHING genetic. Did you hear me? Nothing. Everything they had tested for, both before and after, had come back negative. There was absolutely nothing else they could think to test for he said. He said all of her problems were linked from extreme prematurity. Let me explain.

I already told you above how she never could tolerate feeds. She never could get off the TPN. The report he sent me which I got today says that some infants experience liver damage as early as 15 days of being on the TPN. When I used to ask you all to pray for her to get off the TPN because time was not on her side, this was why. It said liver failure can actually occur in infants within just a few months of being on TPN for sole nutritional purposes. Her little liver was just not strong enough to take so much TPN. She needed it to keep her alive, but to be on it that long, it is not good for you. Because she was so premature, it was even worse and was like we never could counteract the damage it had already done.

Her cause of death was cirrhosis of the liver. Her liver weighed 354 grams when she died, which was half of what her whole body weighed when she was born. Because it affected her liver so badly, it in turn affected her spleen, which weighed 205 grams at death. This is why her stomach was so big. Her heart, bowels and everything else looked fine for the most part, except that they had fluid buildup and were a little inflamed because of all the bile backup in the liver. Her liver had affected everything else and was the main issue.

There are several other notes in the autopsy, but that's the gyst of it. After hearing this, Josh and I both were shocked. We expected, and even wanted, a firm diagnosis. We wanted a "REASON" of why this happened. We needed closure, it seemed, from these results. Instead, we were left with, "well, nothing genetic was wrong after all, no storage disorder or anything that we suspected. Instead, it was just her extreme prematurity and inability to be off the TPN which affected her liver and then it was too bad until it was irreversible and affected everything else." WOW.

After having some time to digest it, I felt like a heavy burden was lifted off of me. The doctor told me that this was hopefully "the silver lining in the midst of everything dark." I thought, you know, he's right. This means that nothing is wrong with Josh and I, praise God, and that if we chose to, we could have more children. I am too weary at this point to go there, because of how sick I was, and need some more facts about my health before I would even venture in that direction again, but it was just good to know that we could, if we wanted to. What a blessing.

It was then that I told Josh in so many words, "I know it could be easy to be mad at God for this, since it wasn't a disease or some type of disorder like we suspected, and wonder if we could have done something different, helped her in some way, but we couldn't have. God knew her EXACT number of days on this earth. He knew exactly what was going on with her body. He knew that nothing was genetically wrong, but none of these doctors did. He knew her purpose and everything that would take place during her journey. We saw firsthand all of the technology they have available, all of the wisdom these doctors have, and we expected and trusted they would "fix" our daughter in some way. The reality is, she was under 2 pounds, and although many babies have made it, it is still VERY hard for a baby with so many of the odds against them at 712 grams. (I had complete faith that God could have healed her, there was never a doubt in my mind. I'm just talking about the logic of when a baby is born that small and the prognosis they possibly give.) With her having strong lungs, no brain bleeds and looking healthy at birth other than her size, we expected and hoped for the best. Just as we should have as her parents. However, it was not what happened, and it's a blessing to know that I can still have children. That not one in four of my children may have something wrong with them." We talked about a lot of other things, but that was the highlight of it.

I called a few friends and family members to tell them the "good news," to know nothing was really "wrong," and while telling one friend, she brought to my attention, which I had not thought of at the time yet: "What a blessing to get this phone call TODAY, out of all days, out of all the months of waiting; the day you go to the NICU and do something for someone else; being a blessing to others." It hit me, that yes, when we are faithful, He shines His favor and blessings on our lives.

Now that statement is NOT to draw attention to myself or my actions, it is simply to testify to what God can do when and if we are willing to serve Him with what He gives us. I never, ever, ever expected to have a baby in the NICU and months later trying to encourage others who are now at where I've been, but I've tried to take what He's given me, and do what I think I should with it. I am NOT perfect, I WILL mess up, but I give HIM all the glory for any of the good that does come out of my life. Isn't that what we're here for...to love others as He's loved us, and bring others to Him as well?? I need to do a better job at it, but Lord willing, He will give me many more years to serve Him and attempt to do a better job at it everyday. The statement has never meant more to me before than it has this week..."Blessed and Highly favored."

Tori's Celebration

We had a wonderful time Saturday. Our friend photographed the event and I will post some pictures as I receive them. Several people that couldn't attend have asked how it went, so I am more than happy to report that we raised A LOT of items for the Huntsville Hospital NICU and will be delivering those tomorrow to the families currently there. They have about 50 babies there right now, so I plan to have something for everyone! It wouldn't have been possible without your support, generosity and concern for our family. So many have asked, "What can we do for you?" and this was a great thing to have been apart of, so for that I say THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart.



Someone had previously asked why were we doing this, and I told someone else on Saturday that it would have been real easy for me to sit at home on what would have been Tori's first birthday and sulk, be depressed and cry all day...doing nothing good for someone else. Instead, I took the opportunity to honor her in the best way I could think of and be a blessing to someone else that is now in the same shoes I was in a year ago (to the week exactly). It was this week after her birth that I had no idea what was going to happen, why this had happened or what to expect. I had no idea that the NICU even existed before Tori's birth.



I have not been inside the NICU here at Huntsville since the night we transferred to Vanderbilt, so I know it will be really hard to do so tomorrow. If you read this before 11:00 a.m. on Tuesday, please say a special prayer for us that He will be our strength, that these gits of love will be an encouragement to these families, and most of all, plant a seed of God's love and what He has done in our lives, even through a tragedy.



I will know how these parents feel when I go in there tomorrow. I will see their faces as they "love through the glass" and understand how their hearts ache. I will know the desperation they have that their precious baby will be okay. I will pray silently, and out loud if possible, for and with these families. We will be there during their "care times," when the parents are allowed to change their diapers, take their temperature and sometimes bathe, dress or hold them. I hope that you will join me in praying for each person that will be receiving a gift tomorrow, and that they may even find Jesus through this if they don't already know Him, because I have a little card in each bag encouraging them to know Him and the love and providence He gives.



Again, this is not anything of me, I place myself to the side, simply being a willing vessel for Him. I have asked God to take this tragedy in my life, this painful, raw wound in my heart and to heal it and use it to glorify Him in some way, shape or form. I believe that tomorrow can be one of those ways to do so. I feel privileged and honored to even be able to do so. Again, this wouldn't be possible without your gifts of love. Thank You.

One last thing, we did a beautiful thing on Saturday which I wanted to share, and that was all of the members of my family present released one butterfly each. My friend shared that a butterfly symbolizes a mother who has lost her child and is willing to let it go. I thought it was beautiful and sentimental to see all of the butterflies flying peacefully, freely and without pain or entrapment. I envision Tori doing and being all of those things in Heaven...she is no longer confined to a hospital bed, unable to move, in pain or crying restlessly. She is with her Heavenly Father, dancing in His presence, singing praises to His name!

We had a musical at church on Sunday, and it was so powerful for me. Almost every song spoke to me in some way about what all I am feeling at this point in my life with Tori's death. When I saw the small girls dancing as we sang a song about praising Jesus, I couldn't help but think, "My Tori is in Heaven, dancing in Jesus' presence today just like those little girls. She is a beautiful angel, more beautiful than anything we've ever seen. She is praising Jesus right along with me!" How awesome and comforting.

"Angelversarys"

I was looking online at some things that are special to do on the anniversary of your baby's birthday or death. I found something that a mother calls her "angelversary;" the "first anniversaries" for her "angel" that she lost (her baby). She also talks about why all the "firsts" are especially painful. It was encouraging to me because it put into words how I felt. I'm sure it doesn't affect everyone that way, though. Either way, you can click the link below if you would like to read her story; it is sweet.

http://shivere.wordpress.com/2008/08/11/pregnancy-loss-traditions-remembering-angelversaries/

What I was looking for was a quote that I had seen once before about butterflies. We plan to release butterflies at Tori's celebration on Saturday, because I have read that the butterfly symbolizes a mother who has lost her child. Ever since Tori's death and reading that quote, I have collected butterfly things. Angel things, too, but a lot of different butterfly things. Anyway, my good friend has found some butterflies to release, and although I hadn't planned on sharing it before hand, I found this tonight and thought it was special and had to share it. The lady I mentioned above talks about and has pictures of when their family released butterflies in their son's memory. It is neat. Check it out below.

http://shivere.wordpress.com/2008/08/27/memory-garden-butterfly-release-for-an-angel/

There was also a picture for her business and it is a baby in clouds. It may sound weird, but it was neat to see and think about Tori being in the clouds....in the most wonderful, safe, beautiful, lovely place I can imagine....and yet not even fathom, and that is Heaven. Oh, how I cannot wait to see her!!

http://shivere.files.wordpress.com/2008/02/logo-w.jpg

You're Invited...

To a celebration to help us celebrate our sweet baby girl's 6 months of life with us here on this earth. The anniversary of her first birthday is this Saturday, September 20th, and we are hosting this event that afternoon and want to invite everyone that prayed for and followed Tori and our family during such a long journey.

All of my readers were very much a part of encouraging our family and so many felt like you knew Tori and myself through my daily posts. We would love nothing more than to meet you in person if we have never been given the opportunity, or see you again if we have, on this special day. It will be a difficult one, and bittersweet indeed, but special to celebrate her ever being with us...if even for a short time. It has already been a rough past few days, but I believe that doing this for Tori can help us honor her in a special way and help me feel better and more at peace with her going to heaven a lot earlier than I had wanted.

What we are asking is that everyone bring baby blankets and newborn/preemie outfits to give to the Huntsville Hospital NICU. This is where Tori was born and cared for the first few months of life and we would like to give back to them and help and encourage other families in the situation that we were in when she was born a year ago.

We recently helped raise money for the Swim for Melissa fundraiser, which we raised nearly $15oo in Tori's name to help buy equipment for premature babies and give them a better chance at life. We are also asking that you bring any loose change you have laying around and we will be "collecting change to help change a baby's life." We will be donating any change given to the Huntsville Hospital NICU as well.

Feel free to bring your children; there is a playground outside that your children can play on while you visit inside and stop by to visit with our family. We will have several special and memorable things for you to participate in and would love nothing more than for you all to help make this day special and uplifting for me and my family.

It would be VERY easy, more than you know, for this to simply be a sorrowful day and me do nothing to help her memory live on. However, I want very much to help her memory be beneficial to someone else. I have prayed several times for the Lord to use me, and us, in some way to minister and be His light to someone else in Tori's memory.

Her life was not in vain, the Lord knew her number of days on this earth, just as He knows yours and mine. I want to celebrate every single day that she was here...even when they weren't always good ones. She was important, special, a miracle and most importantly, a gift from God. That will be our theme for her celebration....that "every good and perfect gift is from above." I fully believe that, am thankful for that and want to do everything I can to honor that gift that was in my life...for 6 sweet months.

Please RSVP if you will be able to come or would like directions to where it will be held. We will be having refreshments and need to have a count of how many will be able to come. Thank you in advance for your support to the HH NICU in Tori's name.

Bittersweet Memories

***WARNING! This is a very long post. Just thought I would prepare you. It was more for my journaling and coping purposes more than anything else. I am glad to share it with you all, too, though. Thanks for taking the time to read it.***


One year ago from Monday, on Saturday, September 15th, Josh and I were in a marriage conference all day at our church. I was almost 28 weeks pregnant and thought I was beginning to experience more severe pregnancy symptoms (that I didn't think much of because it happened later in my pregnancy with Savannah as well). It turns out that the increasing pain that I thought was severe heartburn, was not indigestion at all. We know now that the pain I was experiencing was my liver- my liver enzymes were severely elevated, my platelet count was plummeting dangerously low and my blood pressure was extremely high.

The couples that went to lunch with us that day could tell you how sick I was- I knew something was wrong- my stomach hurt so bad that I couldn't sit still the whole conference. I squirmed and wiggled because I was hurting SO bad, but wanted to persevere through it because we really needed to be there at that conference that day. To prove that, I will never forget our ride home that afternoon. Josh was so fired up about the things we had learned that day, the topics we had discussed, and he said how bad he wanted to change some things in our marriage. He was on fire and it wasn't that I was NOT, but I had been absolutely miserable the whole day just trying to take in everything that was discussed while hurting so bad in a way I can't begin to describe.

I now look back at that day, and think about how the Lord knew what was about to happen that very next day and that everything we learned at that conference that day would be put to a test. Satan knew that as well, and he has tried everything since that day to divide and conquer. Praise God that he hasn't won the battle, but our lives are definitely not the same since the day of that marriage conference.

That night when we got home, it all began. Savannah had her first stomach virus about a week and a half prior to all this, so when I started vomiting that night, all night, I thought I had caught it from her. I hurt all night, and can remember pacing the house because I could not lay still- and now know it was because my liver was hurting so bad and my blood pressure so high. I had also been having headaches more often, too, which was due to the high blood pressure and I was taking Tylenol constantly, which was also not good for my liver.

(I also remember a couple of nights the week before when my sickness had started and I didn't know it, not being able to lay still because I hurt from what I thought was severe indigestion. I had called my OB nurse one day, too, and it sounded like indigestion to them as well, so I started Nexium. I remember driving to my parents house one night at 2am because I could not sit or lay still any longer. I had to get out and do something to try and take my mind off the pain. It felt just like a really, really bad case of indigestion...acid reducers weren't helping and now I know why-that wasn't the problem. At that time, though, no one ever suspected I had pre-eclampsia. 3 weeks before all this, I was perfectly fine at my monthly check up. I was due to go back the week I had Tori, and we would have discovered it all then is my guess.)

Back to what I was saying- I figured I was dehydrated that next morning, which was a Sunday, because I had been vomiting all night. I remember laying in bed that morning and first calling the nurse; she said I needed to go to Labor & Delivery vs. the ER if I was going to go get fluids. I debated and debated if I should go (yes, even at this point, because never did we think it was more than a stomach virus or indigestion) and then asked Josh what he thought. Neither one of us wanted to spend a day at the hospital, but he said he would take me if I needed to go. I then called my parents and said we were going to drop Savannah off at church with them and go on to Labor and Delivery and get some fluids in me and then return home that afternoon. Well, that was OUR plan. God's was a little different.

We got to the triage room they put you in, and first things first, they ask you to lay down and begin to type in all your information. The doctor on call from my OB's office just happened to be in the hall, and he came in, asked about my vomiting and dehydration, said we will get fluids started and I should be good to go in awhile. (My pain had subsided at this point- it came and went- and I am still thinking it was INDIGESTION and was just worse at night!! I promise, we're not idiots, it's just that no one suspected this- it is usually worse with your first pregnancy and I had no history of this with Savannah.)

Our nurse was training another nurse this day, so she was typing in the information while the trainee was getting my blood pressure as she asked me questions. I remember her turning to the nurse and saying something to the effect of it wasn't working and could she help her. She repositioned the cuff and tried it again. I'll never forget the look on her face when it read about 195/110 and she looked to me and asked, "Have you been feeling funny lately; headaches, blurred vision, dizziness, pain?" I explained the symptoms I had been having and she immediately called for another nurse and another blood pressure machine. I freak out just a tad at this point, okay, a lot, and look at Josh sitting in a chair in the corner like "What is going on??" (I can remember this all clear as day.)

The 3rd nurse comes in, takes my blood pressure with the new machine and it's still just as high. She then checks my reflexes on my legs and feet...nothing. After asking me a few more questions, I will never, ever forget the next words out of her mouth....she says, "Okay, honey, you aren't leaving this hospital until you have this baby." My brain couldn't process the words she was saying. "No, you don't understand, I am only 28 weeks along, I still have 3 months to go. I can't be here for 3 months." These are just some of the things I was thinking. Just the day before, I was at a marriage conference and going about my everyday life, expecting a baby girl in 3 months, a younger sister to my sweet Savannah. Those words changed my whole life.

As the nurse explained to me what she was talking about, the on call doctor came walking back in, having been notified of what was going on. He tried to lighten the moment and said "Okay, you aren't following the plan now. This isn't what we had planned for today. Looks like you'll be staying with us for awhile after all." After getting a grasp of what was going on, I frantically asked Josh to call my parents and let them know. They explained that they would have to take the baby if my platelets dropped too low and would do an emergency C section.

I was in Labor and Delivery for 5 of the longest days of my life, on magnesium sulfate, one of the most horrible medicines ever. It was supposed to help counteract what my body was doing and keep everything down. They had to keep increasing the doasge, too, so I felt worse every time. I got stuck constantly from having to draw blood and watch my platelets so closely. I remember one night in the middle of the night just crying because it hurt so bad, my arms were black and nothing was coming out. It took 3 nurses trying that night before one could get all they needed.

I felt like I had epilepsy because my eyes wouldn't open all the way making me so groggy and feeling like I was drugged all the time, because I was. I cried several times knowing I couldn't do this for 3 months. I absolutely felt like I was going to die and everyday my platelets dropped a little more. I was so scared that they would reach that dangerous drop off level and it would be too late. They said if it did, I would be put to sleep and have an emergency C section.

My only cure was for me to deliver Tori; the placenta was attacking my body basically, but we needed to keep her in as long as possible. 28 weeks was the cutoff for most babies survival. Before then, things weren't developed enough for them to be outside the womb. Their lungs are the most underdeveloped thing that needs to be better before they are born at this point. I received two steroid shots during these 5 days, and they had to be given so many hours/days apart, and it was VERY important that I get the second one in before she was born and then for her to stay in long enough after it was given. It helped the maturity of her lungs develop faster.

I remember the morning of the day she was born, Thursday, September 20th, 2007. I had a horrible night the night before. I was restless, hurting and so weak. I remember crying because I was afraid to close my eyes for fear of dying. I didn't want to die, and I didn't want my baby to die. They checked my platelets at like 6am, and then planned to check them again in a couple of hours because they were pretty low. They said depending on what your count is this second time will determine whether we have to put you to sleep or not to do the C section.

I was terrified of being put to sleep because I feared I wouldn't wake up. I remember my mom trying to calm me down and was singing near my ear, "They that wait upon the Lord, shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings like an eagle, they will run and not grow weary, they shall walk, and not faint. Teach me, Lord, teach me, Lord, to wait." This was a song she had sang to me while rocking me to sleep when I was little, and although I had heard it several times before, I remember closing my eyes and quietly mumbling the words with all the strength I had. It was at this moment that I was reminded that the Lord was with me and was going to be my strength through whatever happened next.

The second time they came in and checked my platelets that morning, I remember the nurse and doctor coming in soon after saying that I was going to have this baby today and my C section was scheduled for 10 am but they didn't have to put me to sleep. I was relieved and yet terrified at the same time. My baby girl wasn't supposed to be here for another 3 months. I wasn't prepared for how tiny she was still. I remember my sweet nurses name, Melissa, and how good she was with me. She prayed over me before we went down to my C section, and I knew God had ordained all of this and was in control of everything about to happen.

We got to the OR, and in order to get my spinal, I had to sit up and bend over on the table so they could put it in my back. I had not been out of the bed or hardly moved at all for 5 days, nor had I been eating, so I had no strength whatsoever. I remember her moving my legs and arms for me, positioning me as I should be, pulling me up to her and falling over her shoulders like I was hugging her. She held me as I was like a limp little baby, and now thinking back, it was just as Christ holds us up. I was helpless on my own, needing her to take on all my weight for me and hold me up. Isn't that what Christ does for us, or what we should allow Him to do?! Hmmm...neat thought.

Anyway, she was there with me through the whole delivery, as was Josh. I didn't have a C section with Savannah, so I didn't know what to expect. I was ready to see that little angel, and yet feeling so sick at the same time. When she was delivered, I heard this little meowing and it was her tiny little cry. That was probably the loudest I ever heard her cry, and it was quite quiet. They then brought her over to me, wrapped in a blanket, and she was so tiny and so beautiful. That moment was one of the most precious moments of my life when they showed me that little miracle. She was breathing on her own, her apgar scores were good, and they said she looked very good to have had no nutrition for about a month. She looked completely normal and no one suspected an underlying issue until months later when she wouldn't feed well.

I didn't bounce back right after her birth, which is what usually solves the pre-eclampsia issue- my blood pressure stayed high for quite awhile and I even had to be on blood pressure meds until my 6 wk checkup. I had a few blood transfusions after her birth, too, and was very sick and weak after surgery. It wasn't until the next day when I was stable that they wheeled me up to see that precious baby. I was so sick and had been trying to get stable myself, until I couldn't really be in a complete mothering mindset that day. Let me explain.

Josh had already been up to the NICU to see her before I did and talked with her nurses. When I went up for the first time and saw the NICU which I had never even really known existed, I broke down in tears. I sat beside her bed that day and remember two nurses trying to console me and ask what I was feeling and thinking. I just remember not wanting her to die above everything else. I was thinking of all I had gone through fighting and hanging on for me and her both over the past week, and I didn't want it to be in vain.

Death was just looming in my thoughts at this point because of what a scary week I had just had. Josh would try and keep me thinking positive, but I remember not thinking the same as before the week I went in there. It was like I couldn't shake the reality of what all had happened over the past week. I am a realist and wanted to know exactly what was going to happen, what to expect and how to get through it and what to do. I am a perfectionist in many things and too many times like to get my hands in things, trying to fix it all. I couldn't control this and it was very scary. God has definitely taught me A LOT about waiting, self control, patience, and relying on Him instead of my own strength over this past year.

There are so many more things after this, which most of you have followed throughout my journaling over the past year, but I got to thinking about where I was a year ago at this time and wanted to get it out of my head and onto paper. Thanks for taking the time to read such a lengthy post if you got this far. Tori's life was NOT in vain; I know the Lord has much planned even now because of her existence in this world. He has already used everything she, and we, have gone through more than I could imagine. All of you readers are proof of that. People have grown closer to the Lord during this time, strengthened their prayer life, and some were even saved during this time.

I am thankful for her and this whole experience...yes, thankful. Everything she went through, seeing her suffer and hurt, was awful. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. It hurt my heart and I felt so helpless. Being physically sick myself was no fun either. Wondering if you're going to wake up is a little scary and eye opening to say the least. All of what we, and my entire family, has gone through, though, is worth it for all of the reasons I listed above. To know that it impacted someone for the cause of Christ, makes it worth it and not something I can't talk about and bottle up about it all. So thanks for being on the other end of that, and listening to me share my story and my heart.

Caleb Gill

When Tori was in the hospital here at Huntsville and also in Nashville, we met SO many different people during that time and I know God worked in and through that and is still continuing to months later. We have often times wondered WHY (even recently) all this happened and what was and is God doing through this by allowing Tori to be in Heaven vs. here on this earth with her mommy and daddy. I will try to explain why I think so.

We met complete strangers who would pray for us, bring a meal, give a monetary gift, things that fellow believers are called to do for one another despite not knowing each other personally on this earth before a crisis hits. She had many nurses that went over and above the duties of their job and prayed for her while encouraging us along the way. One of those nurses that cared for her was Debbie Gill.

Debbie lost her husband a few years ago, and I remembered after Amanda (another HSV nurse who has become a dear friend) told me about Caleb that Debbie and I had talked about a lot of stuff before. She wasn't one of her regular nurses, but I know God brought each of these ladies into our paths for a reason during this season. Little did any of us know that as she was caring and praying for my daughter at that time, that months later I would be praying diligently for her son's healing.

Little Caleb, who is 6 years old, was shockingly (to us, not God) diagnosed with a brain tumor and had surgery a couple of weeks ago to remove it at Vanderbilt (where Tori was). I know what shock, fear, anixety, worry, etc. runs through a mother's mind when they find out their baby is so sick. I know that Debbie has supportive family and friends helping her through this while her other children are still at home and she is trying to balance being with Caleb in the hospital while he needs her, too. She is fighting right along side of him, the best thing a mother can do in her position. She stays strong and keeps the faith. I know the Lord will richly bless her for this.

PRAISE THE LORD that Caleb's recent scans have not shown cancer anywhere else and he is now beginning to say some words again. That was one of Debbie's major prayer requests that after his surgery that sight and speech would be restored. He begins radiation this next week, so I ask that you will join me in praying for him and his complete healing. My dad had radiation so I know the tiredness and effects it can have, so please pray that Caleb will be pain free, comfortable and that the Lord will heal him.

He was a normal, average, everyday little boy running and playing before all this, so it proves that this could happen to anyone at anytime. I hope you will hug your children tighter and love them deeper. I find myself trying to be a little more patient with my almost three year old because I know life is too short to worry about every little thing that I get upset about.

Please visit and stay updated on Caleb's progress through this journey. His caring bridge page is www.caringbridge.org/visit/calebgill I know what awesome prayer warriors prayed on Tori's behalf, so I am now asking that you do the same for Caleb. You can also go to the link below and send an Ecard to his room like so many of you did for Tori. http://www.vanderbiltchildrens.com/interior.php?mid=1985 I know how much it will brighten their day. Thank you so much in advance for your prayers and encouragement to this family.