Bittersweet Memories

***WARNING! This is a very long post. Just thought I would prepare you. It was more for my journaling and coping purposes more than anything else. I am glad to share it with you all, too, though. Thanks for taking the time to read it.***


One year ago from Monday, on Saturday, September 15th, Josh and I were in a marriage conference all day at our church. I was almost 28 weeks pregnant and thought I was beginning to experience more severe pregnancy symptoms (that I didn't think much of because it happened later in my pregnancy with Savannah as well). It turns out that the increasing pain that I thought was severe heartburn, was not indigestion at all. We know now that the pain I was experiencing was my liver- my liver enzymes were severely elevated, my platelet count was plummeting dangerously low and my blood pressure was extremely high.

The couples that went to lunch with us that day could tell you how sick I was- I knew something was wrong- my stomach hurt so bad that I couldn't sit still the whole conference. I squirmed and wiggled because I was hurting SO bad, but wanted to persevere through it because we really needed to be there at that conference that day. To prove that, I will never forget our ride home that afternoon. Josh was so fired up about the things we had learned that day, the topics we had discussed, and he said how bad he wanted to change some things in our marriage. He was on fire and it wasn't that I was NOT, but I had been absolutely miserable the whole day just trying to take in everything that was discussed while hurting so bad in a way I can't begin to describe.

I now look back at that day, and think about how the Lord knew what was about to happen that very next day and that everything we learned at that conference that day would be put to a test. Satan knew that as well, and he has tried everything since that day to divide and conquer. Praise God that he hasn't won the battle, but our lives are definitely not the same since the day of that marriage conference.

That night when we got home, it all began. Savannah had her first stomach virus about a week and a half prior to all this, so when I started vomiting that night, all night, I thought I had caught it from her. I hurt all night, and can remember pacing the house because I could not lay still- and now know it was because my liver was hurting so bad and my blood pressure so high. I had also been having headaches more often, too, which was due to the high blood pressure and I was taking Tylenol constantly, which was also not good for my liver.

(I also remember a couple of nights the week before when my sickness had started and I didn't know it, not being able to lay still because I hurt from what I thought was severe indigestion. I had called my OB nurse one day, too, and it sounded like indigestion to them as well, so I started Nexium. I remember driving to my parents house one night at 2am because I could not sit or lay still any longer. I had to get out and do something to try and take my mind off the pain. It felt just like a really, really bad case of indigestion...acid reducers weren't helping and now I know why-that wasn't the problem. At that time, though, no one ever suspected I had pre-eclampsia. 3 weeks before all this, I was perfectly fine at my monthly check up. I was due to go back the week I had Tori, and we would have discovered it all then is my guess.)

Back to what I was saying- I figured I was dehydrated that next morning, which was a Sunday, because I had been vomiting all night. I remember laying in bed that morning and first calling the nurse; she said I needed to go to Labor & Delivery vs. the ER if I was going to go get fluids. I debated and debated if I should go (yes, even at this point, because never did we think it was more than a stomach virus or indigestion) and then asked Josh what he thought. Neither one of us wanted to spend a day at the hospital, but he said he would take me if I needed to go. I then called my parents and said we were going to drop Savannah off at church with them and go on to Labor and Delivery and get some fluids in me and then return home that afternoon. Well, that was OUR plan. God's was a little different.

We got to the triage room they put you in, and first things first, they ask you to lay down and begin to type in all your information. The doctor on call from my OB's office just happened to be in the hall, and he came in, asked about my vomiting and dehydration, said we will get fluids started and I should be good to go in awhile. (My pain had subsided at this point- it came and went- and I am still thinking it was INDIGESTION and was just worse at night!! I promise, we're not idiots, it's just that no one suspected this- it is usually worse with your first pregnancy and I had no history of this with Savannah.)

Our nurse was training another nurse this day, so she was typing in the information while the trainee was getting my blood pressure as she asked me questions. I remember her turning to the nurse and saying something to the effect of it wasn't working and could she help her. She repositioned the cuff and tried it again. I'll never forget the look on her face when it read about 195/110 and she looked to me and asked, "Have you been feeling funny lately; headaches, blurred vision, dizziness, pain?" I explained the symptoms I had been having and she immediately called for another nurse and another blood pressure machine. I freak out just a tad at this point, okay, a lot, and look at Josh sitting in a chair in the corner like "What is going on??" (I can remember this all clear as day.)

The 3rd nurse comes in, takes my blood pressure with the new machine and it's still just as high. She then checks my reflexes on my legs and feet...nothing. After asking me a few more questions, I will never, ever forget the next words out of her mouth....she says, "Okay, honey, you aren't leaving this hospital until you have this baby." My brain couldn't process the words she was saying. "No, you don't understand, I am only 28 weeks along, I still have 3 months to go. I can't be here for 3 months." These are just some of the things I was thinking. Just the day before, I was at a marriage conference and going about my everyday life, expecting a baby girl in 3 months, a younger sister to my sweet Savannah. Those words changed my whole life.

As the nurse explained to me what she was talking about, the on call doctor came walking back in, having been notified of what was going on. He tried to lighten the moment and said "Okay, you aren't following the plan now. This isn't what we had planned for today. Looks like you'll be staying with us for awhile after all." After getting a grasp of what was going on, I frantically asked Josh to call my parents and let them know. They explained that they would have to take the baby if my platelets dropped too low and would do an emergency C section.

I was in Labor and Delivery for 5 of the longest days of my life, on magnesium sulfate, one of the most horrible medicines ever. It was supposed to help counteract what my body was doing and keep everything down. They had to keep increasing the doasge, too, so I felt worse every time. I got stuck constantly from having to draw blood and watch my platelets so closely. I remember one night in the middle of the night just crying because it hurt so bad, my arms were black and nothing was coming out. It took 3 nurses trying that night before one could get all they needed.

I felt like I had epilepsy because my eyes wouldn't open all the way making me so groggy and feeling like I was drugged all the time, because I was. I cried several times knowing I couldn't do this for 3 months. I absolutely felt like I was going to die and everyday my platelets dropped a little more. I was so scared that they would reach that dangerous drop off level and it would be too late. They said if it did, I would be put to sleep and have an emergency C section.

My only cure was for me to deliver Tori; the placenta was attacking my body basically, but we needed to keep her in as long as possible. 28 weeks was the cutoff for most babies survival. Before then, things weren't developed enough for them to be outside the womb. Their lungs are the most underdeveloped thing that needs to be better before they are born at this point. I received two steroid shots during these 5 days, and they had to be given so many hours/days apart, and it was VERY important that I get the second one in before she was born and then for her to stay in long enough after it was given. It helped the maturity of her lungs develop faster.

I remember the morning of the day she was born, Thursday, September 20th, 2007. I had a horrible night the night before. I was restless, hurting and so weak. I remember crying because I was afraid to close my eyes for fear of dying. I didn't want to die, and I didn't want my baby to die. They checked my platelets at like 6am, and then planned to check them again in a couple of hours because they were pretty low. They said depending on what your count is this second time will determine whether we have to put you to sleep or not to do the C section.

I was terrified of being put to sleep because I feared I wouldn't wake up. I remember my mom trying to calm me down and was singing near my ear, "They that wait upon the Lord, shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings like an eagle, they will run and not grow weary, they shall walk, and not faint. Teach me, Lord, teach me, Lord, to wait." This was a song she had sang to me while rocking me to sleep when I was little, and although I had heard it several times before, I remember closing my eyes and quietly mumbling the words with all the strength I had. It was at this moment that I was reminded that the Lord was with me and was going to be my strength through whatever happened next.

The second time they came in and checked my platelets that morning, I remember the nurse and doctor coming in soon after saying that I was going to have this baby today and my C section was scheduled for 10 am but they didn't have to put me to sleep. I was relieved and yet terrified at the same time. My baby girl wasn't supposed to be here for another 3 months. I wasn't prepared for how tiny she was still. I remember my sweet nurses name, Melissa, and how good she was with me. She prayed over me before we went down to my C section, and I knew God had ordained all of this and was in control of everything about to happen.

We got to the OR, and in order to get my spinal, I had to sit up and bend over on the table so they could put it in my back. I had not been out of the bed or hardly moved at all for 5 days, nor had I been eating, so I had no strength whatsoever. I remember her moving my legs and arms for me, positioning me as I should be, pulling me up to her and falling over her shoulders like I was hugging her. She held me as I was like a limp little baby, and now thinking back, it was just as Christ holds us up. I was helpless on my own, needing her to take on all my weight for me and hold me up. Isn't that what Christ does for us, or what we should allow Him to do?! Hmmm...neat thought.

Anyway, she was there with me through the whole delivery, as was Josh. I didn't have a C section with Savannah, so I didn't know what to expect. I was ready to see that little angel, and yet feeling so sick at the same time. When she was delivered, I heard this little meowing and it was her tiny little cry. That was probably the loudest I ever heard her cry, and it was quite quiet. They then brought her over to me, wrapped in a blanket, and she was so tiny and so beautiful. That moment was one of the most precious moments of my life when they showed me that little miracle. She was breathing on her own, her apgar scores were good, and they said she looked very good to have had no nutrition for about a month. She looked completely normal and no one suspected an underlying issue until months later when she wouldn't feed well.

I didn't bounce back right after her birth, which is what usually solves the pre-eclampsia issue- my blood pressure stayed high for quite awhile and I even had to be on blood pressure meds until my 6 wk checkup. I had a few blood transfusions after her birth, too, and was very sick and weak after surgery. It wasn't until the next day when I was stable that they wheeled me up to see that precious baby. I was so sick and had been trying to get stable myself, until I couldn't really be in a complete mothering mindset that day. Let me explain.

Josh had already been up to the NICU to see her before I did and talked with her nurses. When I went up for the first time and saw the NICU which I had never even really known existed, I broke down in tears. I sat beside her bed that day and remember two nurses trying to console me and ask what I was feeling and thinking. I just remember not wanting her to die above everything else. I was thinking of all I had gone through fighting and hanging on for me and her both over the past week, and I didn't want it to be in vain.

Death was just looming in my thoughts at this point because of what a scary week I had just had. Josh would try and keep me thinking positive, but I remember not thinking the same as before the week I went in there. It was like I couldn't shake the reality of what all had happened over the past week. I am a realist and wanted to know exactly what was going to happen, what to expect and how to get through it and what to do. I am a perfectionist in many things and too many times like to get my hands in things, trying to fix it all. I couldn't control this and it was very scary. God has definitely taught me A LOT about waiting, self control, patience, and relying on Him instead of my own strength over this past year.

There are so many more things after this, which most of you have followed throughout my journaling over the past year, but I got to thinking about where I was a year ago at this time and wanted to get it out of my head and onto paper. Thanks for taking the time to read such a lengthy post if you got this far. Tori's life was NOT in vain; I know the Lord has much planned even now because of her existence in this world. He has already used everything she, and we, have gone through more than I could imagine. All of you readers are proof of that. People have grown closer to the Lord during this time, strengthened their prayer life, and some were even saved during this time.

I am thankful for her and this whole experience...yes, thankful. Everything she went through, seeing her suffer and hurt, was awful. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. It hurt my heart and I felt so helpless. Being physically sick myself was no fun either. Wondering if you're going to wake up is a little scary and eye opening to say the least. All of what we, and my entire family, has gone through, though, is worth it for all of the reasons I listed above. To know that it impacted someone for the cause of Christ, makes it worth it and not something I can't talk about and bottle up about it all. So thanks for being on the other end of that, and listening to me share my story and my heart.