Last Post of 2008

Well, this is it. The final day of 2008 and my final post of the year along with it. When I started this blog, it was because Caring Bridge was more about updating on Tori's progress as we were going through everything at the hospital in Nashville. After she died, I updated for a month on there and then realized I needed something different than CB to express my feelings and thoughts as I dealt with the grief I was feeling. This blog has been a great outlet. Through it, I have "met" some wonderful people....mostly ladies who share in the grief I am experiencing and I have been able to read their blogs as well. We all share something in common: the pain you feel after losing your infant child. Each situation is different, but they are all still similar and leave us feeling the same. I've said to a few of them that I think it is so awesome that the Lord has brought us into each other's lives to uplift, encourage and pray for one another through the hardest thing we've ever endured. When I was pregnant with Tori, I expected to have a normal pregnancy, normal birth and normal childhood just like Savannah's. Never did I think that a year later, I would be corresponding with mothers who have lost their babies or talking with my friends and family about the pain I've been feeling through a blog.

I can attest to the fact that we never know what the Lord has in store for us and what He can make out of our heartbreaks, difficulties, or tragedies. I am excited, scared, apprehensive, and yet feel total peace about what the Lord has in store for me in 2009 and years to come. I so badly want to be a loving and supportive wife, mother to a few children, a reliable and trustworthy friend, and overall, the woman that He wants me to be in my career, etc. I want to be sensitive to what He has for me, and commit to spend more time falling in love with Him this next year so that our relationship is even sweeter and blessings are overflowing! Yes, blessings! Have you ever prayed the Prayer of Jabez? It was a popular book several years ago, and before some of the points in it, I always thought it odd to pray for blessings for yourself, but God's word clearly elaborates. Read below:

"And Jabez called on the God of Israel saying, "Oh that You would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evil, that I may not cause pain!" So God granted him what he requested." 1 Chronicles 4:9-10(NKJV)

It's not praying and asking God to give you whatever you want, a formula for success, or even that if you pray it, God will give you all the desires of your heart. I mentioned in a couple of posts ago that the Lord has shaped HIS desires into being my own. What I wanted, my desires, with Tori's life, didn't happen. However, He has changed my desires to be the same as His and my mindset is changing. He has poured out his BLESSINGS on me in that aspect. We have nice cars, a nice home, etc., but it's not the tangible, materialistic blessings that I am talking about praying for. Praying a chant, believing that God is going to give you everything your heart desires if you do, is misleading. We could go into lots of theological issues here, but back to my point....make your prayer that of Jabez's this next year and as you honor the Lord with your life, even in your heartaches, see if you don't see your "territory enlarged and His hand with you" through it all.