Friend or Foe

Having been a PK all my life, I've unfortunately seen a lot of hurtful situations. I've seen personal attacks on my family as well as other church members and it is has always mindboggled me how people who call themselves Christians could act in such a way. When I was younger, I couldn't believe that adults, who seemed so much wiser than I, could ever do and say such things in church. Now that I am an adult, I see that we are still as stubborn as we were as children in some ways.

Why do I bring this up? Well the Lord has really been working on me for several years now about my trust and forgiveness issues. Some of you may not realize this has even been an issue for me, but it has. Because people that I've loved and had a relationship with before have publicly said hurtful things to my family and others I love, or done things secretly that caused pain, it has caused me to put walls up in my mind and around my heart before getting close to anyone. I have found this to be true through building many friendships and while getting closer to people. I didn't realize that it was as severe as it was before until one of my good friends bluntly asked me one day, "What kind of friendships have you had before? Good time friends? Well, guess what?! I am here to stay!" It hit me like a ton of bricks that I was still doing it...building walls, staying in my comfort zone, wearing my happy face even when my heart is breaking inside, because everyone knows a pastor's wife and kids have to be happy at all times :)

These trust issues have led me to not be quick to open up to others, not share my heart for fear of pain, have bitterness in my heart and even trouble forgiving others. It has caused me to be "on guard," looking at every person as a possible suspect and wondering if they're going to hurt me. What a horrible way to live life, I know! Now, I'm just sharing my heart, so bear with me, I promise I'm getting to a good ending! I have always been a very transparent person, even before my writings, so I'm not ashamed to share all this. I would probably say that all these things have gotten better since being at Wall Highway Baptist Church, though, where we attend now.

My dad has always longed to pastor a church like WHBC, where they have servant's hearts, people who share his vision to grow a church and follow his leadership. One of our church's where we lived for 10 years reminds me so much of WHBC in some ways. When we went there, there were probably 100 people, and it quadrupled until we had to move out of our sanctuary, that we quickly outgrew, into our family life center for services. God was moving and working. I saw it like never before. It was awesome! That is where I see the similarities with WHBC. Unfortunately, there were behind the scenes actions going on at that church that has caused a lot of the pain and inability to trust for me. And I was only a teenager, at a very impressionable age where I began to think all church members were this way! Thank the Lord that He has broken down those barriers in my heart and mind, though, and I have been blessed with lifelong friendships because of it!

The people who started that church or had been there for awhile didn't like the growth. They didn't like all the new faces. They stuck to the "Us 4 and no more" motto. I saw my friend's dad stand up in business meetings and slosh my dad. How was I to draw the line between my friendships and their family's personal attacks on my father? Since then, I have always struggled with being able to have my own relationships in the church because of thinking they might be anti the preacher and that makes for a hard place for me to be in....having a relationship I care about and yet defending my own flesh and blood, too. Even the not so personal attacks, but people getting mad and leaving have affected me personally.

I still deal with some of these things that I mentioned above, but not nearly as much as a few years back. I read a book right after coming to Wall Highway, "When you Can't Say I Forgive You" and it helped me immensely. Growing my own family and somewhat "detaching," if you will, from the pastor family limelight has helped as well. I always said "I will never marry anyone in the ministry!" and God has dealt with me many times on that statement. He has shown me that, "Yes, if I call you to do something, you will do it because you love me and want to follow me, not because of your own desires because of past hurts. I can turn those scars into a beautiful thing."

Growing physically (in age) and spiritually has also changed my view of viewing everyone as a "friend or foe." In Christ, we are all friends (brothers and sisters in Him) and are told to be there for each other, bearing each other's burdens, praying for each other, too. Through Tori's life, He spoke to me on all these issues I've had believe it or not. So many people showed me and my family the true meaning of Proverbs 17:17, "A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity."

I have said it before, but without being a PK, enduring even the hard times, we wouldn't have been so blessed with all the GOOD relationships that have come out of being in the ministry. I am so thankful for people that the Lord has put in our lives, teaching me that He is faithful even when I think there's no hope for a true friendship out there. It has also taught me (although I am by no means perfect at it!!) the qualities that I would want in a friend and how to be a better one. I am thankful for each of you reading this, because in some way, you have been brought into my life and our paths have crossed in one way or the other and I am so blessed.