Goodbye November, Hello December

Being shocked when I say, "I can't believe tomorrow is December 1st," is an understatement. It's hard for me to believe that spring has come and gone, as well as the hot summer, fall is quickly ending, and winter is here to stay. I've been getting in the Christmas spirit and anticipating the holidays for a couple of weeks now, but saying December 1st is tomorrow is like...WOW...it's really here! It will be tax time before you know it and 2008 will be a thing of the past.

In 3 short months (almost to the day) it will be a year that my sweet Tori has been gone. While a year may sound like a long time to some, in my life it hasn't been. Living with the memory of Tori and the effect her loss has had on me and my family has constantly made it seem like just a few months ago. When the truth is, a few months have turned into several months, and several months have turned into nearly a year. I can't believe it.

We finally took her crib down this last week and put a bed in its place. I needed a place for company to be able to sleep other than an air mattress or the couch, so her crib is now "in the past." It was sad to be taking the sheets, bedding, etc down, knowing it hadn't been touched since the day I set it all up anticipating her arrival soon. That day has come and gone, and now she has, too. I miss her so much. I wonder what she would be like this Christmas. Her original due date was December 11th, and then the 8th. So she should ultimately be turning a year old this month if all had gone right. I know it went "right" according to God's plan, but my plans weren't the same as His unfortunately.

I'm not really quite sure what the point of this post was other than I was thinking about "time," how quickly life really does pass us by and how it seems like no time ago we were at Vanderbilt with her for days and weeks on end. Last Christmas, we were living out of the Ronald McDonald house. Last Christmas, our only tree was a tiny one my friend bought for Tori's first Christmas. Last Christmas, we weren't sure if she would make it another day.

December 12, 2007 is a day I'll never forget. It was the day of her major surgery when they didn't plan for her to live for more than a few hours afterwards. She was tough and sure showed them, though. She lost so much blood that day and was so critical. I know it was the Lord that sustained her, but often times Josh and I have asked ourselves, "Why didn't he just take her then? Why did she continue to suffer and hurt only to have this kind of outcome? Did we do the right thing pushing her for various surgeries and procedures? We were only trying to give her every chance possible. Did it hurt her more than help her, though?"

To be honest, those are not questions I have voiced out loud a lot of times. I have accepted the sovereign plan of God and known all the answers to those questions truly aren't most important. However, as a parent that loved my child more than anything, I still wonder. I am HUMAN. I am at PEACE with her passing, but because my mind can't comprehend His ways (His thoughts are Higher than my thoughts; His ways higher than my ways), it's still a question that seems to linger sometimes.

Please pray for those who have lost their children, their loved ones, and even friends this past year. This will be our first Christmas without Tori since she came into our lives, so knowing how difficult it is for us, I can only imagine how it is for others in the same boat. Everyone grieves and reacts differently. My heart truly goes out to those who can't fully enjoy this Christmas season because they don't see much hope or light at the end of the tunnel. As Christians, we have hope and "light at the end of the tunnel," but it can still seem bleak at times, so I understand how they might feel. I hope you have a blessed Christmas season!

While I am reflecting on Thanksgiving being tomorrow and what it means, I think about all the Lord has given me. He has blessed me immensely, beyond what I deserve.

I have a wonderful family, both on mine and my husband's side- they are very supportive, loving and always there for Josh and I when we need them. I have wonderful friends. I have been through very difficult things over the past 2 years, and I can honestly attest to the country song, "You Find Out Who Your Friends Are." During rough times, you find out who "sticks closer than a brother." We are so blessed with some of the most supportive friends ever. I have a nice house, nice car, nice clothes, and the list goes on. I take these things for granted everyday. I have never gone hungry- I have no idea what it's like to not have food on the table and I also take that for granted more than I realize. We are a blessed nation, despite all the economic hardship we are enduring. I'd say, overall, I have much to be thankful for.

Last Thanksgiving, we had turkey and dressing at Hard Rock Cafe in Nashville since that was the only place we could find nearby serving it (other than the hospital cafeteria, which we were tired of). It will forever be the most memorable Thanksgiving etched in my mind. It was my one and only Thanksgiving to share with Tori. I am so thankful that I got to spend that day with her. I was reminded this week of just how much I miss her and how much I yearn to have her here this Thanksgiving. Let me explain.

My very good friend, coworker, and second mother, Deborah, has become near and dear to my heart, as well as her family. She has accepted me as her own and we've even had others mistake us for mother and daughter a few times. :) I KNOW the Lord brought us together at the right time in our lives. I can tell her anything, never be judged, and she always listens and offers godly advice/encouragement.

When I began working at UBC with Deborah, Savannah was 3 months old. Now Savannah has just turned 3 years old, so she's seen my daughter grow up so far. Her family has welcomed mine with open arms throughout our hardships, and I am blessed to have friendships with her children and daughter in laws as well. You never know who the Lord is going to bring in your path and what kind of lifelong friendships can flourish when needed most.

A year after working at UBC, I miscarried on January 23, 2007. Deborah was the one who rushed me to the hospital when my water broke. It was quite an experience to say the least, a very scary one, to the point where the anesthesiologist said I could've bled to death if the doctor didn't come "NOW." Yes, I'm serious. Going through something like that with someone makes you closer for sure.

A couple of months later, I became pregnant with Tori. Deborah was a constant source of encouragement and prayer warrior on Tori's behalf after she was born early and then became so sick. Her family encouraged me, too, as so many of you did. After Tori died, Deborah and I openly shared some of the same feelings and questions for God. "WHY?" was the major question and feelings of anger and hurt were openly expressed and never judged. We both struggled as we studied Job and discussed things honestly. I am so thankful for that brutal honesty about our fears, pains and disappointments with Tori's death. It's been almost 9 months since Tori died, and in that time, He's done lots of wonderful things and is working on healing mine, Deborah's, and so many of my family member's hearts.

In those 9 months, he has created two precious baby girls. Both of Deborah's daughter in laws became pregnant...both with baby girls. You can ask any of my friends who had baby's around the same time or after Tori: being around newborns has been VERY hard on me and Josh both. As babies get older and grow, it's become a little easier, but the tiny ones remind me SO much of Tori until it's been almost unbearable to be around them. I feared that would be the case with these two, and although it left me thinking of Tori a lot afterwards, it filled my heart with JOY to welcome Isabella Grace Clem into the world this week!

Bella was born Monday night and I was SO excited for their family! They have waited so long for this healthy, beautiful baby girl to arrive! I did something that I have NOT been able to do, nor want to do, since Tori died, and that was go to the hospital and even held her. I wanted nothing more than for them to have a healthy baby that they could love, take home in 2 days and share the rest of their lives with, and I wanted to be there to support and love on them all the best I knew how. After all, they have done that for me more than I can say. Deborah has always been sensitive to my feelings, but I assure her that I am happy for them and coudln't wait for them to get here, and I couldn't/can't! (Eden will be here in January!)

Below are some pictures of me holding Bella and Savannah watching over her. I hadn't mentioned Tori at all before we went and Savannah didn't say a word about her either.....at first. After holding Bella for awhile, I opened up her blanket to show Savannah her tiny fingers and that was what triggered Tori in Savannah's mind.

She looked at Bella's fingers and clearly said, "Tori has tiny fingers like that." I smiled and replied, "Yes, Tori did have tiny fingers like this, didn't she?" Savannah went on to ask, "Is Tori here at the hospital, too?" I said with a solemn thought, "No, baby, she's not here; where is she? You know where she is." She quickly replied, "She's in Heaven!" Again, I said, "yes, that's right, she's in Heaven with Jesus." She then looked up at me and asked, "Momma, can we go to Heaven and see her?" Thinking, how do I explain this to her, I said, "No, baby, not today; but one day we'll go to Heaven and see her." That was an end to her questions, but the continuing cycle of my heart so badly desiring to have Tori here with Savannah!


After I left the hospital, I thought about the phrase "He gives and takes away." I thought about how a new baby has been born after one baby has died. One family has suffered loss and heartache, when only a season later, another family celebrates birth and joy! I thought about how the world constantly changes, nothing stays the same, and people are born while others die everyday. The cycle of life, right?! Well, through all that cycling, one thought came to mind...."You give and take away; You give and take away. My heart will choose to say, "Lord, Blessed be Your Name."

That's what I want my prayer to be this Thanksgiving....blessing His name for all He gives....despite what He has chosen to "take away" at this time in my life. So many times I lose sight of the "big picture" and my eyes get focused on other things. I have nothing to complain about, I am so blessed. Although He has chosen to "take away" at this time in my life, He promises Joy in the morning and I look forward to the days when my joy is restored! He has already been faithful to do so in many ways, and I only look forward to what He has in store for the future, too.

Hope you and your family have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Christmas Season Kickoff

Well, we have truly kicked off the Christmas season this weekend! Never in my life have I done it before Thanksgiving (it's been some kind of mental no-no), but this year was different! I was just so excited to get things going (the music, the decorations, etc.) until I couldn't wait a whole 'nother week! :) I really think it is because we did not have any type of normal Christmas last year- it was spent in the hospital mostly, as well as Thanksgiving, so it's really been 2 years since we've done any of it. Savannah is just as psyched as I am, so I guess it's fair to say that I've been like a child at Christmas so far! :)

There's always the bittersweet part of not having Tori here, but I try not to dwell on it in a negative way, but instead remember her in a positive light as we're doing things this Christmas. For instance, pink was her color and I've gotten several angel collectibles since she's died, so it was only fitting that I bought a pretty pink, sparkly, angel ornament in memory of her to hang on our tree this year. I also thought as we were putting our angel on top of our tree this year how she is truly in the presence of angels right now. If you stop and think about it, it's pretty awesome to say the least. We put lights in our yard today, too, and to think that she's seeing the prettiest lights ever....I am certain heaven is full of light, along with shiny streets of gold, etc. My baby is seeing all that right now!! I still wish she was here to sing Christmas songs with her sister, but I will have to take comfort in remembering she is singing even greater songs to the King of Kings in His very presence!! WOW- is all I can say.

Last night we went to Red Robin at Bridge Street and had dinner with our family. We enjoyed great food and great conversation. We haven't done that with my parents and brother in quite awhile. Although we live very close to them, we don't see them hardly at all it seems. We all get too busy and have different schedules, but we need to make family time more of a priority like we did last night. We always enjoy being together.

After dinner, we froze our heiney's (sp?) off and stood outside waiting on the tree lighting ceremony to begin, when lo and behold, they had "technical difficulties" and couldn't get it to light/stay lit at first. We had fun, freezing mind you, but fun indeed. We walked around and window shopped, listened to the carolers, went to the carousel where Savannah and Micah wrote letters to Santa and lot's more! Here are some pictures below. Let me just tell you, Savannah L-O-V-E-D the carolers. We were all walking along when she stopped in front of the whole crowd that had stopped to listen to the carolers, and she was in awe. They were true carolers and went from place to place, so we saw them several times throughout the evening. One time, they even asked her to join them, so I got some good pictures of Savannah doing just that, singing along. (Once I get my new and improved camera!!, I will be able to show you even better pictures! Don't think I didn't point this out to the family several times throughout the evening because my camera is a piece of junk that is just trying to die on me....that, and my brother dropped it last night, causing it to have an even shorter life span now.)

Tonight, we went and got our tree. We get a live, frasier fir every year. It's traditional to have a LIVE tree vs. a "fake tree" in my family, so I am carrying on the tradition each year and plan to continue to do so. However, my mom finally caved two years ago since my sister and I were grown and out of the house and my brother could care less if it was real or not, and got a NICE fake tree. In case you're wondering, yes, there are different levels of niceness on fake trees. Just look at the prices. My mom lucked up and got a nice one with her employee discount that year because she was the decorating manager at a store where she did Interior decorating at Christmas and decided to invest in one then. Other than that, we've always had a real tree, and I refuse to change....for now. :) The good part is there's not AS many needles that fall off (in my opinion) with a frasier fir vs. a regular ole pine needle tree. Anywho, that's the long drawn out version, and we got ours tonight. There are some pictures below of our fantastic evening together. I told my husband that my night was complete....decorating our Christmas tree together as a family, "cardboard pizza" for dinner (what we call our cheap, boxed pizza we love!), and my Mariah Carey Christmas CD...what else could a girl want?!

Needless to say, it's been a good weekend! Tell me about yours if you've been getting in the Christmas (not holiday) spirit, too! Merry Christmas!

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

I LOVE Christmas in case you didn't know! NOT because of receiving gifts, although unfortunately that wasn't always the case as a child and even teenager. I have truly discovered and cherish the true meaning of Christmas, and first and foremost that is that the greatest gift of all is celebrated at Christmas time....and that is the birth of our Savior. Without His birth, and in the coolest way possible I might add, Christmas would be pointless. Who would have ever expected a King to come in a manger in a bed of straw?? You would expect the best hospital, personal nursing care, and all the things money could buy. No, He came humbly and willing even then. He loved us that much to sacrifice even a grand entrance. Have you ever thought of it that way? I say it that way because I'm sure He could have changed that, don't you think?! Because He was the Son of God, He even had the power to get off that cross when he died, but He chose not to. He sacrificially gave of Himself. Wow, He loves us that much. So, that is the MOST important thing about Christmas, but guess what else makes Christmas important and special to me?? Well, I'm glad you asked...just let me tell you....

Family....togetherness....traditions.....carols....GIVING gifts.....kindness....compassion....and the list goes on. Although Christmas has become very commercialized through the years, I love all the decorating, the family and friend get togethers, the singing Christmas music in our cars, our homes, our church's, our schools, and the feeling that comes with this time of year by the majority of people. I LOVE buying gifts for others. Although money is really tight this year, I love bargain shopping and finding good deals on gifts I think family members will really love, especially Savannah. That is one of the things I love most about Christmas: giving Savannah the kinds of Christmas' I grew up having and now cherish as I think back on them.

The sad part to this perfect sounding story for me this year....Tori is not here to share it with us. I wish with all my heart that she was....nothing would thrill my heart more than to see my two girls wake up together on Christmas morning like my sister and I always did, and see their smiling faces Christmas day. As I see Savannah get excited about the lights, the Christmas music and what she wants to ask Santa for this year, I am constantly reminded that I should have TWO girls doing these things this year. This is why they say the Holidays can be some of the most depressing times of the year vs. the most wonderful time of the year. It is often times when people miss their loved ones who have died and long for them to still be here to share in the family traditions, etc.

One of the first things we will be doing to "kickoff" this Christmas season is to attend the first annual Christmas tree lighting and light show afterwards tomorrow night at Bridge Street Town Center, an outdoor, european style shopping center here in Huntsville, much like the Summit in B'ham. YES, I am aware that it is supposed to be FREEZING, but every Christmas season we go one night as a family (with my extended family) to dinner and do something special together. This year will be this event tomorrow night. Their will be caroling and warm drinks to accompany us! :) We will have dinner there, too. I am looking very forward to it and then also to putting our tree up Saturday night! We ALWAYS do it the weekend after Thanksgiving, but since we will be hosting family at our home the weekend on/after Thanksgiving, we are going to do it this weekend.

I hope you and your family are "catching the Christmas spirit" this year and are remembering the REASON FOR THE SEASON! Cherish each other and celebrate the fact that you are TOGETHER this year. If someone in your family is missing, hug the ones you do have a little tighter....

Camera Happy

Doesn't the title of my blog usually mean that someone is taking a lot of pictures if they're being "camera happy?" Well, that's not so much what I mean today (but will in a few weeks), but rather that I am SO ecstatic about my upcoming Christmas present from my mom and hubby!

I have asked for NOTHING for Christmas. When my mom asked me last week what I wanted, I said NOTHING. I want it all to be about Savannah this year and nothing for myself. Weeeellll, that was until I had an offer today that I couldn't refuse! (I am blogging about it because I am SO excited and can't hardly believe it, so just appease me and read, thanks!!!)

I have priced Nikon D40's for awhile now because of how many pictures I take with Savannah and all, but thought "I'll NEVER be able to afford a camera like that." I do NOT have the extra cash to do so, because brand new D40's are priced around 500 and up. The D50's, one step up, are priced $650 and up. So, I've been drooling and dreaming over them.

My good friend, Emily, has had a D50 she's been using. She actually took our latest family pictures with it (one of which is the picture at the top of my blog). It is a dream come true (for us both) that she got a D80 for her Birthday and in casual conversation today she said she was going to be selling her old one for $250. I knew what a deal this was, even for a used one, and told her to hold off until I asked my mom and hubby if they'd like to make this my one and only Christmas present. They have both agreed to go in half and do this for me! Yipeeeeeee! That is all I want, and any Christmas money I get from anyone will go towards this $125 part Josh is going to put out for me as well (I always feel guilty buying anything for myself now that we have a child).

I only wish that I could go back and take a lot of Savannah's pictures as a baby with my upcoming Christmas gift! I will have to make up for lost time now and am sure you'll be seeing plenty of crisp, clear pictures of her in the future!! :)

Copycat

Thanks to my friend Christy, I have an idea. I'll tell you some things about me, but then you have to share some things about YOU! I don't open up to others enough, so this is a good chance to do so....as well as get to know you all better :) ALSO- I have been wanting to post this for awhile and keep forgetting, but if you have a blog, please let me know so I can read it and keep up with you! I don't know who a lot of my readers are anymore, my blogpatrol says they are from all over, but I'd like to read your thoughts as well. Thanks!! Look forward to "meeting" you!

• I am a very detailed and organized person. I have a lot of OCD tendencies, don't worry...not crazy, off the wall things, but like wanting to keep the house neat, things organized, etc. I like to have things planned most of the time, but wish I was more sporatic! (Working on this) I DO take Zoloft to help with depression and anxiety, though. Not ashamed, either.
• I am a DIET COKE ADDICT. My kidneys will probably shut down any day now. I HAVE to have a diet coke...like...all the time. Not good, I know. I've tried to cut back, but continue to fail. Do you think they could make Diet Coke patches like nicotene patches??
• I have a VERY hard time opening up to people and trusting in general. Okay, so you probably knew this from my previous posts, but thought I would throw it out there.
• I was almost 200 pounds when I had Savannah! There, you have it! A woman told her weight...and on a public site! I am not ashamed. I still haven't lost all my baby weight from her, my miscarriage, or Tori. Although I'd like to be several sizes smaller and am working at it, I've come to accept my figure for how it is now. My babies helped put it there, so I try to look at it that way :)
• I AM a natural blonde, although the older I get, the darker my hair gets. I have to keep it highlighted these days. It's a pain in the butt, too....
• I do NOT like CAKE or most sweets. I know, shocker, huh?! I HEART Cheesecake and certain other things, but I'm not a big chocolate fan. Can you believe it?! A woman that doesn't crave chocolate?? Let's just say it's a good thing, or I would still be near 200 pounds! :)
• I LOVE singing to the radio and playing guitar Hero on EASY, but that's about as far as my musical talent goes. My husband rolls his eyes when we're driving down the road and I am jamming as loud as I can! :)
• I want 2 more children but am really worried that this won't happen. It's not something I've rushed to talk or think about since Tori died, but this has always been my heart's desire, and I'm afraid I won't be able to. I am SO blessed to have just Savannah if that's what the Lord has for me, but I would LOVE to have another baby...or two. (I LOVE being a mother!!)
• I don't like to read, so I have several books I've started and never finished. Kind of sad, because I have no clue how they end. One day, one day....I'll finish them.
• I love Carrie Underwood and The Dixie Chick's old stuff. I heart Mariah Carey's Christmas CD...I could listen to it year round. I love Natalie Grant...I saw her singing at a church when she first started out. I love, love some good female vocalists...but definitely have some fave male vocalists, too!
• The Notebook is my all time, favorite movie! The duck and rain scene is my favorite! (Yes, I'm a romantic at heart!) I love snuggling and quality time is definitely my love language!
• When I'm down in the dumps, buying somethng makes me feel better...and it also gets me in trouble with my husband. Just buying groceries can be therapeutic for me! I know, weird, right??
• I love my family and wished I lived in Danielsville, GA with lots of land and we all lived close to each other and had big huge dinners with our big huge families and big huge six digit salaries to live off of! :) *what a run on sentence, I know.

Okay, so I'm REALLY tired of talking about myself. I'm now ready to hear from YOU. Get busy.

Brighter Days

Tomorrow I will begin a "new" job. I have actually had this job before, but when I was 6 months pregnant with Tori, I quit to be able to stay home with my 2 girls and work at MDO at our church part time where my kids could go with me. It was really a blessing in disguise that I quit I guess; there was no way I could have maintained a job while in Nashville with Tori for so long. They would have had to of found someone to replace me because I was out 6months with her. Not to mention the fact that I did NOT work again at all until the summer (a few hours a day at MDO at a local church) because I needed some time to just "be" after her death. I did that through the summer until the MDO at our church started back up in the fall where I am 2 days a week again.

Well, back in September, everything began to get much tighter for our family (with the economy the way it is, who isn't it tight for??). I knew I was going to have to add something else to the fire to help out. We went in for a sick visit with Savannah, and I decided to ask my previous job (which was before the secretarial position I am starting back tomorrow), my daughter's pediatrician's office, if they needed any help. I figured I could work there through the winter months (when they are most busy) and see what happens next spring or summer. It's NOT really what I "wanted" to do, but I was willing to do it. It was good because I knew the doctors and all the staff, how they do things and didn't have to learn anything, just start. I have been doing that 3 days a week since September, along with MDO 2 days a week to still be able to be home with Savannah some.

I got a phone call 2 weeks ago where all that changed for me, though. The job I am starting tomorrow is the secretarial position at University Baptist Church in Huntsville and I loved it when I was there! I loved my job and what I did (I love designing the bulletin, newsletter, powerpoint, etc.) and I also love the people there. They were all brought into my life for a reason, I know that without a shadow of a doubt, and it's NO coincidence that they are being brought back into my life again I know.

UBC is where I miscarried in January 2007. My water broke upstairs in the church and my dear friend/second mother rushed me to the hospital. This is where I have been in my life when I've lost 2 children, a very hard and difficult time in my life, but this church family has been much like my own, encouraging and praying for me all along the way. The staff is awesome. I love their "new" pastor. I say new because he came while I was there (which it has been a year and 4 months since I worked there...it seems like longer).

I am looking forward to going back, to an uplifting environment vs. all the wordly stuff that can drag you down at most jobs. It is good medicine for my soul to be around other believers at my job. Not something most people get to do, and don't get me wrong, we should definitely be around non believers to be able to impact them, but hopefully you know what I mean about not battling all the worldly things as much in this type of environment.

I will still be working MDO at our church 2 days a week for now, to be able to be home with Savannah more, but I am praying about what the Lord has in store for me. More to come later. I have lots of unanswered questions with God right now...prayer for wisdom, discernment and guidance would be helpful.

This is a true BLESSING that the Lord has given me again, and I don't take that lightly. "Thank you, Lord, for opening this door!" This was much more on a brighter note than my last post, but hey, at least I am trying to point out the positive. :)

When it Hits, it Hits Hard

Last night I got home about 8:30 and after putting Savannah to bed, I actually had an evening that I didn't have a trillion things to do, so I decided to sit down and see what was on TV. Nothing out of the ordinary for most people, but I haven't been able to just sit and watch TV as I used to for time limitations and because I choose to do other things a lot of the time now. (Don't get me wrong, there are still my favorite shows that I DO make time for!) Anyway, the point is that it was the first time in awhile I just sat down and started flipping through the channels with no agenda in mind.

WHY?!? WHY did I have to flip to NBC and it be the beginning of ER. Now I've seen ER in previous seasons, and am not even sure if this was a rerun or a current episode because I don't follow it, but it was a lot of new characters that I don't remember being on it when I've seen it before. I decided to stay on the channel and within the first two minutes, before they even put the title of the show up, they showed a dad in the river that had gone off the sidewalk with his stroller and the baby was in the water somewhere and he couldn't find her. Her doll was floating to the top and he was screaming frantically trying to find her. Needless to say, I began to turn the channel because it was too heartbreaking for me to even think about, much less watch.

But as a few minutes passed, my interest was already sparked of how it turned out. (I really hope this was not a new episode and I am spoiling someone who has tivo'd it and not seen it yet! Man, I would feel bad!) SO, I turned back to watch it, even though the thought of a baby dying was incredibly painful and stressing me immensely at the moment. Coming to peace with your daughter dying is one thing, but when something like this strikes a place in your heart, it hits and it hits HARD emotionally out of the blue.

As I wacthed it, it was the doctor working on this little girl (which they did find in the water) that had lost her son suddenly to leukemia when he had a seizure and stroke and died after rushing him to the hospital and they never had a chance to say goodbye. Through all the trauma and drama going on between the girl that was in the river (which lived) and the doctor having constant flashbacks of her little boy dying, it was horrible. I screamed out, crying, actually bawling like a baby after it was over, because I felt that pain ALL OVER AGAIN.

She said something to a coworker at the end that hit home to me when she was asked "What happened in there when you were working on her? Did you have a patient that was a kid that died or something?" (She had been extra passionate and trying to fight for this little girl because all the time she was "flashing back" to the day her son died when only moments earlier he had been at the park throwing a ball and they had no idea he was sick- he had acute leukemia with no signs) She answered, "Yes, I did, that KID was my son. He died in Trauma 1 (which was the room down the hall and the coworker looked at her in disbelief)." He said he was so sorry, that he had no idea or what to say now, except that he was sorry for her loss. She replied with the statement that hurt my heart, "When you louse a spouse, you're called a widow, when you lose your parents, you're called an orphan, but when you lose your child, there's no word for that." All I could think was Motherless. Needless to say, I broke down.

I have been REALLY struggling lately. I UNfortunately have it down pat wearing the mask and hiding the pain all too often, but last night there was none of that. I was depressed after this episode and cried myself to sleep as I was home alone and I had thought back to the day Tori died in great detail, how sudden it was, how awful it felt and how unreal it was afterwards. I yelled some things to God, and I'm glad He just listens when we're emotional and understands our emotions, but I was also mad at Him at that moment to be honest. "It's so unfair," I thought! "I want her HERE this Christmas! Please give her back to me! I don't want to feel this pain forever, even if at sporatic times like this! I hate this!" All this just kind of tipped off all my struggling and depression lately. I have withdrawn from several friendships and things I usually participate in, for being tired emotionally and trying. Again, these are all things people can hide well in case this comes as a shock. Yes, I'm human.

I then got up this morning and read Matthew Litchfield's caring bridge page, the little boy we met at RMcD House last fall and who died just 2 weeks ago. It was his mom writing on the 2 week anniversary of his death and it broke my heart. I was right there with her with how unfair she thought it was, the sadness and anger she's feeling and I understood. I DO know that God allowed these two precious children, Tori and Matthew, go home early for a reason, although I don't know why. I will press on and live for Tori because that's the best way to honor her, but I still have weak moments like last night. Thanks for listening.

**I write this for my own journaling purposes, but if you're reading this, you can know that even though someone loses a child, a spouse, a loved one, etc. and "moves on" with life, doesn't mean that they don't still hurt behind the scenes months and even years later. Be sensitive and encourage others like Matthew's mom. www.caringbridge.org/visit/matthewlitchfield

Fall Fun

This past weekend we went to Dothan, AL, where my husband's family is from (and where I lived for 5 years), and we had a BLAST! We took Savannah to the National Peanut Festival , a yearly tradition and a must for all Dothan residents! It's a huge fair, the biggest and best I've ever attended, and tons of family fun that we pack into one night! I "jokingly" said the only reason I go is for all the yummy food....from roasted corn to "The Corn Dog Man," boiled peanuts, candy apples, elephant ears, cotton candy, and cinnamon rolls (those are all MY Favorites and a yearly must for me, although there is TONS More!!).









This year was the second year that we have taken Savannah, but the first that she was big enough to do some things without an adult. (Last year we missed it for the first time in years because we were in Nashville with Tori) She had a ball and enjoyed riding all the rides for her age group, although mom, dad, Nana Lo and a family friend's little boy (Landon) did ride with her on most of them! She did drive a car all by herself as you will see in the picture below.







Needless to say, we had a good time and enjoyed being with our family and friends. What a blessing it was to be able to enjoy this time of the year with those we love...something I don't take for granted anymore and think about more than ever. I really missed Tori and although I didn't say it out loud to anyone, I sure wished she was there riding with her big sister this year. Those 2 girls would've been a sight! Tori would be 14 months old and Savannah just turned 3 in October. They would have been the best of playmates I'm sure...and even fought well, too. :) Not a day goes by that I don't long to see my girls together. I know the Lord knows what He was doing, but it still tugs at my heart and hurts nonetheless. Enjoy our pictures and God Bless!

Hiding our Junk

We don't really hide our junk, do we? Oh, that's a big YES! I don't know why we as Christians tend to think sometimes that we are "holier than thou" or that certain faults can be overlooked because we're not living like "them" or it's not "that" bad. God help us. That's what's gotten our country into the mess we're in. When people, especially Christians, start to rationalize and justify sin....from gossip to abortion, there is a problem.

After reading this devotion this morning, I felt that I, too, need a "spiritual inventory." I "hide" or better yet justify certain things when really it is nothing but stinky, filthy sin in God's eyes. I hope that you, too, will examine your heart, mind and motives as she put it, as the Savior would, not an earthly person.

Hiding My Junk

"What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness
of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things.
I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ" Philippians 3:8-9 (NIV)

Devotion:

My husband and I put our house on the market this week. We've been prayerfully considering moving closer to our families, but couldn't settle in our hearts the ideal timing for such a change. God answered our prayers for clarification when we discovered that we are pregnant with our third child. That means three babies, three pregnancies, three varied and growing sets of stretch marks in less than four years. God has been so faithful and gracious. So, we are moving closer to home. Here we grow...



We spent all weekend cleaning our house to get it ready to show it. It's amazing how much more junk I notice when I think about strangers walking through and evaluating our home. It was a full day's work. We cleaned out, threw away and hid an obscene amount of really unnecessary stuff (i.e. junk). I have watched enough HGTV to make this process a little bit easier. I knew ahead of time that less stuff equals more open space. Without the visual interruption of clutter, the eye can take in the full size of the room, the bones and beauty of the space. We all know that buyers appreciate a clean slate. It's easier to see the good stuff without all the junk around. I know this, but in the midst of all the cleaning out, I still questioned if people really care.



Let me be a little more specific. Could a buyer overlook the winter coats and hats dropped in the bottom of my pantry floor? Would they mind the empty video game boxes stacked neatly in the corner? I know they'll look in my junk drawer to see empty medicine bottles, matches, broken sunglasses, playing cards and takeout menus. But doesn't everyone have a junk drawer? Surely, visitors won't mind boxes of the boys' winter clothes clogging up the closet space.



During the process, I couldn't help but wonder if it was time for a spiritual open house. I sense that I've been storing unsightly clutter for far too long. It's a lot of junk really. I think I could make a better use of the space if I'd just let some things go. I'm afraid when people look at my life they see spiritual clutter (i.e. sin). Can they appreciate the bones and beauty of the work of God in my life or does their eye stop on all the junk? Do they see an overcrowded life that squeezes out the space God longs to fill with His peace, presence and holiness? Will they notice good but unnecessary things that fill the void?



Let me be a little more specific. Could someone look past my too-often indulged habit of gossip? Will they really mind the irritability I often display with my husband, and what about the petty jokes made at his expense? I know they will look at me and see gluttony, pride, a love of television and a lack of discipline. But doesn't everyone have stuff they struggle with? Do they wonder about a woman who leads small group, teaches women's conferences and disciples youth, but has a hard time regularly sitting and being still before the Lord?



My personal challenge for the next few days is to look at my life not the way a perfect stranger would, but the way a Perfect Savior would. It's unlikely He will look past the things that I'm far too complacent about. Once I've taken a spiritual inventory I'm not going to just hide the junk. I don't know about you, but that junk always seems to reappear and at the worst possible time. No, I'm going to do my best to let my junk go. Friends, I'm moving closer to my Father. Here I grow...



Dear Lord, I want to live free of the junk of sin. Forgive me and help me make the move to living according to your Word. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

**On another note after the election...God IS still God...even though my candidate of choice didn't win. I was VERY upset about it and even a little afraid of what the world will come to now, but I keep reminding myself that HE is in control, not a man on this earth. And like I said before, if we truly are getting closer to the end times, then I'm ready to go!

God will still be God

Well, not only is tomorrow my hubby's Birthday (he will be 26 years young!) but it is the day of the greatest talked about election I have seen in my lifetime. My OPINIONS are below:

-I will be voting for John McCain because I know in my heart that the morals he stands for is greater than any personality flaw or various detail that people tend to pick out.

-I fear that McCain will not get the presidency, though, due to recent polls I have seen online, and the so widely talked about support of Obama.

-Deep in my heart I feel that if Obama does get the presidency, we will see a decline in our country and our world...it may be a year or several years, but I have some personal thoughts on this subject that you can privately ask me about if you'd like. I fear to be too brave and make such prophetic claims publicly when I am no one of the sort to do so. Just my opinions.

The FACTS are below:

-Even if Obama gets the presidency, we shouldn't be too discouraged. Hear me out... YES! I fully believe that we should take a stand and vote for what we believe and know to be right, but scripture tells us that one day, evil will eventually corrupt our world, and I feel that more and more scripture is unveiling itself and we are living in more of the end times. EVEN IF Obama becomes the next US president, I have the assurance that even though laws and such may change, the BIBLE, GOD'S WORD, will NEVER change and is stronger than any two edged sword. It can cut through all the corruptness in this world and that gives me the peace about even though the ruler of our country may change, our God NEVER will.

-To be honest, I'm ready to go now if it be His will! To my heavenly home that is. There's much more to do still on this earth, but the worse things get and the closer it seems to this becoming reality sooner than later, I am more and more excited about that sweet day!! (This is not so much a fact except that there is lots to do before we are all called home so let's keep that in mind)

-The final fact is HE will still be our Savior, not our next president. Let us not be too quick to put all of our reliance on a human man, politics, our money or economical status but instead Who is in control of it all.

I struggle daily with keeping my eyes on the big picture and not letting my fleshly desires and mindset get in the way. I fall flat on my face too many times. I do try to stand for what's right and do what I should, though, and I know the Lord knows my heart. He doesn't want my (our) apathy, though. God help us when we begin to give excuses for our and our country's actions instead of doing something about it. I hope you will keep that in mind when you go to vote tomorrow.

Let HIM be at the center of every one of your thoughts and actions...and don't worry, there are four fingers pointing right back at me!!