When it Hits, it Hits Hard

Last night I got home about 8:30 and after putting Savannah to bed, I actually had an evening that I didn't have a trillion things to do, so I decided to sit down and see what was on TV. Nothing out of the ordinary for most people, but I haven't been able to just sit and watch TV as I used to for time limitations and because I choose to do other things a lot of the time now. (Don't get me wrong, there are still my favorite shows that I DO make time for!) Anyway, the point is that it was the first time in awhile I just sat down and started flipping through the channels with no agenda in mind.

WHY?!? WHY did I have to flip to NBC and it be the beginning of ER. Now I've seen ER in previous seasons, and am not even sure if this was a rerun or a current episode because I don't follow it, but it was a lot of new characters that I don't remember being on it when I've seen it before. I decided to stay on the channel and within the first two minutes, before they even put the title of the show up, they showed a dad in the river that had gone off the sidewalk with his stroller and the baby was in the water somewhere and he couldn't find her. Her doll was floating to the top and he was screaming frantically trying to find her. Needless to say, I began to turn the channel because it was too heartbreaking for me to even think about, much less watch.

But as a few minutes passed, my interest was already sparked of how it turned out. (I really hope this was not a new episode and I am spoiling someone who has tivo'd it and not seen it yet! Man, I would feel bad!) SO, I turned back to watch it, even though the thought of a baby dying was incredibly painful and stressing me immensely at the moment. Coming to peace with your daughter dying is one thing, but when something like this strikes a place in your heart, it hits and it hits HARD emotionally out of the blue.

As I wacthed it, it was the doctor working on this little girl (which they did find in the water) that had lost her son suddenly to leukemia when he had a seizure and stroke and died after rushing him to the hospital and they never had a chance to say goodbye. Through all the trauma and drama going on between the girl that was in the river (which lived) and the doctor having constant flashbacks of her little boy dying, it was horrible. I screamed out, crying, actually bawling like a baby after it was over, because I felt that pain ALL OVER AGAIN.

She said something to a coworker at the end that hit home to me when she was asked "What happened in there when you were working on her? Did you have a patient that was a kid that died or something?" (She had been extra passionate and trying to fight for this little girl because all the time she was "flashing back" to the day her son died when only moments earlier he had been at the park throwing a ball and they had no idea he was sick- he had acute leukemia with no signs) She answered, "Yes, I did, that KID was my son. He died in Trauma 1 (which was the room down the hall and the coworker looked at her in disbelief)." He said he was so sorry, that he had no idea or what to say now, except that he was sorry for her loss. She replied with the statement that hurt my heart, "When you louse a spouse, you're called a widow, when you lose your parents, you're called an orphan, but when you lose your child, there's no word for that." All I could think was Motherless. Needless to say, I broke down.

I have been REALLY struggling lately. I UNfortunately have it down pat wearing the mask and hiding the pain all too often, but last night there was none of that. I was depressed after this episode and cried myself to sleep as I was home alone and I had thought back to the day Tori died in great detail, how sudden it was, how awful it felt and how unreal it was afterwards. I yelled some things to God, and I'm glad He just listens when we're emotional and understands our emotions, but I was also mad at Him at that moment to be honest. "It's so unfair," I thought! "I want her HERE this Christmas! Please give her back to me! I don't want to feel this pain forever, even if at sporatic times like this! I hate this!" All this just kind of tipped off all my struggling and depression lately. I have withdrawn from several friendships and things I usually participate in, for being tired emotionally and trying. Again, these are all things people can hide well in case this comes as a shock. Yes, I'm human.

I then got up this morning and read Matthew Litchfield's caring bridge page, the little boy we met at RMcD House last fall and who died just 2 weeks ago. It was his mom writing on the 2 week anniversary of his death and it broke my heart. I was right there with her with how unfair she thought it was, the sadness and anger she's feeling and I understood. I DO know that God allowed these two precious children, Tori and Matthew, go home early for a reason, although I don't know why. I will press on and live for Tori because that's the best way to honor her, but I still have weak moments like last night. Thanks for listening.

**I write this for my own journaling purposes, but if you're reading this, you can know that even though someone loses a child, a spouse, a loved one, etc. and "moves on" with life, doesn't mean that they don't still hurt behind the scenes months and even years later. Be sensitive and encourage others like Matthew's mom. www.caringbridge.org/visit/matthewlitchfield