He Gives and Takes Away

While I am reflecting on Thanksgiving being tomorrow and what it means, I think about all the Lord has given me. He has blessed me immensely, beyond what I deserve.

I have a wonderful family, both on mine and my husband's side- they are very supportive, loving and always there for Josh and I when we need them. I have wonderful friends. I have been through very difficult things over the past 2 years, and I can honestly attest to the country song, "You Find Out Who Your Friends Are." During rough times, you find out who "sticks closer than a brother." We are so blessed with some of the most supportive friends ever. I have a nice house, nice car, nice clothes, and the list goes on. I take these things for granted everyday. I have never gone hungry- I have no idea what it's like to not have food on the table and I also take that for granted more than I realize. We are a blessed nation, despite all the economic hardship we are enduring. I'd say, overall, I have much to be thankful for.

Last Thanksgiving, we had turkey and dressing at Hard Rock Cafe in Nashville since that was the only place we could find nearby serving it (other than the hospital cafeteria, which we were tired of). It will forever be the most memorable Thanksgiving etched in my mind. It was my one and only Thanksgiving to share with Tori. I am so thankful that I got to spend that day with her. I was reminded this week of just how much I miss her and how much I yearn to have her here this Thanksgiving. Let me explain.

My very good friend, coworker, and second mother, Deborah, has become near and dear to my heart, as well as her family. She has accepted me as her own and we've even had others mistake us for mother and daughter a few times. :) I KNOW the Lord brought us together at the right time in our lives. I can tell her anything, never be judged, and she always listens and offers godly advice/encouragement.

When I began working at UBC with Deborah, Savannah was 3 months old. Now Savannah has just turned 3 years old, so she's seen my daughter grow up so far. Her family has welcomed mine with open arms throughout our hardships, and I am blessed to have friendships with her children and daughter in laws as well. You never know who the Lord is going to bring in your path and what kind of lifelong friendships can flourish when needed most.

A year after working at UBC, I miscarried on January 23, 2007. Deborah was the one who rushed me to the hospital when my water broke. It was quite an experience to say the least, a very scary one, to the point where the anesthesiologist said I could've bled to death if the doctor didn't come "NOW." Yes, I'm serious. Going through something like that with someone makes you closer for sure.

A couple of months later, I became pregnant with Tori. Deborah was a constant source of encouragement and prayer warrior on Tori's behalf after she was born early and then became so sick. Her family encouraged me, too, as so many of you did. After Tori died, Deborah and I openly shared some of the same feelings and questions for God. "WHY?" was the major question and feelings of anger and hurt were openly expressed and never judged. We both struggled as we studied Job and discussed things honestly. I am so thankful for that brutal honesty about our fears, pains and disappointments with Tori's death. It's been almost 9 months since Tori died, and in that time, He's done lots of wonderful things and is working on healing mine, Deborah's, and so many of my family member's hearts.

In those 9 months, he has created two precious baby girls. Both of Deborah's daughter in laws became pregnant...both with baby girls. You can ask any of my friends who had baby's around the same time or after Tori: being around newborns has been VERY hard on me and Josh both. As babies get older and grow, it's become a little easier, but the tiny ones remind me SO much of Tori until it's been almost unbearable to be around them. I feared that would be the case with these two, and although it left me thinking of Tori a lot afterwards, it filled my heart with JOY to welcome Isabella Grace Clem into the world this week!

Bella was born Monday night and I was SO excited for their family! They have waited so long for this healthy, beautiful baby girl to arrive! I did something that I have NOT been able to do, nor want to do, since Tori died, and that was go to the hospital and even held her. I wanted nothing more than for them to have a healthy baby that they could love, take home in 2 days and share the rest of their lives with, and I wanted to be there to support and love on them all the best I knew how. After all, they have done that for me more than I can say. Deborah has always been sensitive to my feelings, but I assure her that I am happy for them and coudln't wait for them to get here, and I couldn't/can't! (Eden will be here in January!)

Below are some pictures of me holding Bella and Savannah watching over her. I hadn't mentioned Tori at all before we went and Savannah didn't say a word about her either.....at first. After holding Bella for awhile, I opened up her blanket to show Savannah her tiny fingers and that was what triggered Tori in Savannah's mind.

She looked at Bella's fingers and clearly said, "Tori has tiny fingers like that." I smiled and replied, "Yes, Tori did have tiny fingers like this, didn't she?" Savannah went on to ask, "Is Tori here at the hospital, too?" I said with a solemn thought, "No, baby, she's not here; where is she? You know where she is." She quickly replied, "She's in Heaven!" Again, I said, "yes, that's right, she's in Heaven with Jesus." She then looked up at me and asked, "Momma, can we go to Heaven and see her?" Thinking, how do I explain this to her, I said, "No, baby, not today; but one day we'll go to Heaven and see her." That was an end to her questions, but the continuing cycle of my heart so badly desiring to have Tori here with Savannah!


After I left the hospital, I thought about the phrase "He gives and takes away." I thought about how a new baby has been born after one baby has died. One family has suffered loss and heartache, when only a season later, another family celebrates birth and joy! I thought about how the world constantly changes, nothing stays the same, and people are born while others die everyday. The cycle of life, right?! Well, through all that cycling, one thought came to mind...."You give and take away; You give and take away. My heart will choose to say, "Lord, Blessed be Your Name."

That's what I want my prayer to be this Thanksgiving....blessing His name for all He gives....despite what He has chosen to "take away" at this time in my life. So many times I lose sight of the "big picture" and my eyes get focused on other things. I have nothing to complain about, I am so blessed. Although He has chosen to "take away" at this time in my life, He promises Joy in the morning and I look forward to the days when my joy is restored! He has already been faithful to do so in many ways, and I only look forward to what He has in store for the future, too.

Hope you and your family have a wonderful Thanksgiving!