Blast from the Past

Okay, so it was only 5 years ago, but a lot has happened and changed over 5 years for Josh and I. As for our wedding picture above, I think we look pretty dang different, too! If I could fit into that dress 3 pregnancies and 5 years later, I'd be as happy as a pig in a pool of cool mud on a sunny day (don't you love my analogies?!)!! As for Josh, he hasn't gained much weight since his stunning portrait above (brownie points!), but he sure does look a lot more "baby face" to me back then! I hate to see 30 approaching faster each year (I know, I know....some of you are thinking "VOMIT- you don't even know old yet"), but I can't help thinking of it that way for ME personally. I definitely don't think 30 is old for someone else, though. :) The grass is always greener on the other side, though, right?!

As we approach 5 years in about 2 weeks, I think of how a marriage is supposed to be like a fine wine, only getting better with time. Now I'm no wine connoisseur, but that's what I've heard. I hope to say that in 30 years, our marriage is stronger than it is today. And even more so the next day and then the next. You get my point. I think of how much we've come through (some things that you don't always want to bring back up), and where we are now compared to where we were then when that wedding portrait was taken.

I still feel very unexperienced in a lot of things in life, but I think Josh and I have had several things in our short "honeymooner phase," as some may like to call it, that we have endured, persevered through, and learned from. Are we perfect? Heavens, no! We could use "marital tune ups" on a regular basis....I say that because I think marriages operate like cars.....needing a tune up every now and then....weekends away like we just had. Do we always make time for those marital "tune ups," though? Unfortunately no, and I can tell when our day to day lives suffer because of it. I encourage you to just get away with your spouse sometime soon if you haven't done so in awhile.

I was telling my mom when we got back, I almost didn't know what to do with myself. Savannah is not fully potty trained yet, so I am always used to having to mother and always "do" for someone else and not just myself.....change her diapers, "blow" her food off when it's too hot, bathe her, dress her, all the countless things that mommy's do in one day! So to not be doing that for a whole weekend, I didn't know what to do with myself at times! I must admit I called several times to check on and talk with her. Not because I didn't trust that she was okay, because I know she was being well taken care of, but it was for ME, to fulfill a longing in MY heart. Josh and I had not really been away like this since our honeymoon. Savannah will be 3 years old in October, and it has been too long since we had some US time for more than a day or a night here and there.

You may be thinking, "What about all the days on end that you were apart from Savannah while you were in Nashville with Tori?" That's just it. I was with Tori. My daughter. I was still in "mothering mode." Although there were several things that I could not do for her because a nurse had to, I was there for her, as my daughter, doing what I do. Caring for and taking care of someone else. Now don't get me wrong, I would rather do nothing else if given a choice!

If you've read my blogs since the beginning, you'll know that all I ever wanted to do was have a houseful of babies! Lots of kids to take care of and love on. I remember my mom saying when Josh and I first started talking about having a baby, "Now you realize "this" will change, and you won't be able to do "that" as much anymore. It will be a lot of work." I remember telling her I didn't care! I wanted the sleepless nights, bottles to make, diapers to change, clothes to wash, etc. Some people may think I'm crazy for thinking that way, but that's how badly I love children, especially my own. I would do anything and everything for them, as any good parent would I know.

My point after all that was despite the fact that Savannah and I were seperated off and on for a period of almost 6 months, I still had my "mothering responsibilities" with Tori and felt needed. (Check out Amy George's blog on my side column on this very subject. She published a post on May 20 that describes this need perfectly to a 'T') Josh and I had no quality time or rejuvenation for our marriage during that time. It was hardly possible. After all that, we needed a weekend to get away and have just that.

I remembered what it was like to be his wife first and foremost. I love my daughter(s) with all my heart and soul, I really do, but I love the man who gave me those precious babies even more. I really mean that, not just being sappy or just saying it because it sounds nice. I pray that He strengthens our relationship because Lord knows we need His strength on a daily basis.

No wonder marriages suffer like they do. I realized how quiet it was without Savannah or her movies or her music. I told Josh that if we weren't completely and fully best friends and close enough, when she was out of the house, gone for good, what would there be to talk about? What would we do? Stare at each other? No. We've got to remember to keep our marriage fresh and rejuvenated even without Savannah.

I hope and pray that you feel this same zeal as I do! Your marriage will prosper because of it!

Testing....1...2...3

Ever wonder if the Lord is "testing" you? I'd like your insight on what you think, as far as trials in our lives are concerned, and whether or not they're a "test." I've heard different things from different people on this.

I have tried to stand firm in my beliefs through one of the most difficult things in my life that some people may call a "test" (losing my daughter). I've said before the reason that I believe things like this happen in our lives, though, and it is because of sin in this world and we're not promised no heartache or bad things in this life. However, I believe that all those "bad things" that happen to us are still apart of the GOOD He has planned for our lives. But even as I write those words, and have more recent, heavy things on my heart, that fact is still hard to swallow sometimes. Do I fully believe it 100% with all my heart? YES. Is it difficult to put into action at times, though? YES. God knows this about me and I'm thankful that He doesn't get mad at me and turn His back on me when I am resistant to following Him or His plan at first.

You may think I've touched on all this a lot lately, and how much can I beat this point into the ground? Well, not near enough. There are people hurting, circumstances breaking people's hearts or changing their lives, relationships failing, TONS of secret, yet painful hurt out there and the Lord wants to use it all for His GOOD. When you're still in the cloudiness of all the sorrow though as I feel some days, it may be hard to see through it all. It may be difficult to keep persevering, trusting or staying faithful. I am NOT superwoman. My faith is "tested," so to speak, on a daily basis.

This was a recent devotion that I felt was appropriate with what I am talking about. Although it's not me worrying or hurting for my own child (yet), it's concern over God's choices or actions for my own life and the things going on and how I'll respond that I deal with. Read this below and maybe what I just said will make more sense.

A Mom's Conversation with God by Lysa TerKeurst

"The LORD is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in him."
Nahum 1:7 (NIV)

A few weeks ago, my daughter Ashley injured her shoulder while gearing up for her largest gymnastics meet of the season. She's had an amazing time with gymnastics over the past 10 years, winning several state titles and progressing to each next level with great excitement. But this year has been an uphill battle. Finally, at the end of the season things seemed to be clicking along like she'd planned. But with one slip off the bar and a pretty bad landing, her shoulder was injured. We soon realized that no amount of rehab could get her ready in time. So, with tears and great disappointment, she had to scratch from the meet. I've said it before and I'll say it again, that I know in the great scheme of life, this is such a small thing. But in Ashley's world, this was big. Therefore, it led me to have one of those conversations with the Lord that I'm sure many moms have had at one time or another. If your child has ever had to walk through the yuck of disappointment, maybe you can relate.

The Mom: Lord, I have to tell you it is a hard thing for a mother to watch her child work so hard for something only to have her dreams dashed by an injury.

The Lord: Do the words of Job 17:11 express the way you are feeling? "My days have passed, my plans are shattered, and so are the desires of my heart."

The Mom: Lord, You could make her better. You could strengthen her shoulder and make her well enough to compete. Lord, don't You see her tears? If seeing her sadness breaks my heart, I know it must break Your heart, too. It is hard for me to understand when I know that You could fix this in an instant.

The Lord: Recall the beauty of trusting the only One who can see what is and what is to come. Remember my words in Nahum 1:7: "The LORD is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in him."

The Mom: I do trust you Lord. But for all that work to end like this is so hard. It just seems so pointless.

The Lord: Oh, nothing I do is pointless. Nothing you go through is pointless. This lesson will work good for her now and it will work good for her in the future. You only think you know what is best for her. But I have such a grand plan and purpose in all this. Proverbs 19:20-21: "Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise. Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails."

The Mom: I just need to know why she has to go through this.

The Lord: You don't have to have answers, Lysa. You just need to trust. Isaiah 55:8-9: "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."

The Mom: But what about the desires of her heart Lord?

The Lord: I am the only One who even knows the full scope of those desires, Lysa. Your job isn't to figure out how to make her desires come to pass. Your job is to simply teach her to trust Me and make wise choices. Psalm 37: 3-4: "Trust in the LORD and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart."

I know patience is a virtue, but God, could you please hurry up?!

You don't know how many times this thought crossed my mind after being in the hospital with my daughter for nearly 6 months. I knew He wanted to teach me so many things through it all, that He had a plan for it all happening the way it was, but I must admit I was frustrated, weary and tired sometimes until I just wanted Him to "hurry up" and show me what all the "not knowing" was all about. Little did I know, but He did, that March 8, 2008 would be the exact day that He would end all her suffering, completely heal her little body and take her home. We prayed for the Lord's will to be done, and although it wasn't really the results I was specifically praying for, He still answered (although in a diffrent way) and proved Himself faithful. I know you've heard me tell all this before, but when I read devotions like the one below, I don't think repeating the past is unimportant.

I hope you will read the devotion below with an open heart and mind. If there's something in your life that you're rushing, pushing God about (by the way, I hate to break it to you, He won't be rushed :), or maybe just giving up hope on, please know that God will come through for you in HIS time. Not always very comforting when it could take 25 years as it did for Sarah, but nevertheless, He proved Himself faithful!

"God, Could You Please Hurry?" by Amy Carroll

"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end." Ecclesiastes 3: 11 (NIV)

Those of us that have lived in rural areas know that tractors on the road are a fact of life. However, just because they are a fact of life doesn't make them any less irritating if you're in a hurry! I followed a tractor down one of our narrow two-lane roads recently. At one point I completely lost my patience for its pace and started yelling (unheard--thank goodness), "Hurry! Hurry! Hurry!" It didn't speed up the tractor at all.

How many times have I approached God's timing the same way? And it never hurries Him up either.

I admit God often does not operate at a pace that pleases me, and I want Him to hurry, hurry, hurry! I'm thinking Sarah, Abraham's wife, felt the same way. After waiting 10 years for a baby that God had promised Abraham (read Genesis 12-21 for the complete story), Sarah decided to "help" God. Surely 10 years was too long for anybody to wait. So Sarah gave her maidservant Hagar to her husband, and the two of them had a child. Soon the two women were at odds. Talk about a soap-opera! Finally, fifteen years later, the child promised by God to Abraham and Sarah was born. God was not late. His timing was perfect. It was Sarah who was in a hurry and rushing things, but she found out that there was a price to pay for manipulating her circumstances.

I know Sarah and I are not alone in our desire for God to hurry up. I once heard it said that we are people with gods on our wrists.

In Isaiah 55:9, God says, "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." (NIV) God's timing is part of His ways. I may be tapping my watch, but He is never late. He may seem slow, but He is always right on time.

Has God made a promise to you that is slow in coming? Has He planted a dream in your heart that has yet to come to fruition? Don't give up hope! God is faithful, and you can rely on His perfect timing. Fix your eyes on Him and enjoy the journey to your destination. There are things to be learned along the way that will enhance the joy of a promise fulfilled.

Dear Lord, sometimes I don't understand your timing. It's often very hard to wait, but I trust You. I want to rely on Your ways and Your timing. Help me to learn what I need to learn as I wait. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Adios!

That's right, we're getting away! This Friday is our much anticipated Anniversary Trip! We are blessed to have friends at church that have allowed us to use one of their timeshares so we are headed to Fairfield Glades in Crossville, TN. Not much there, just a resort where we can relax, sleep in(!!!!), and Josh is looking forward to playing golf on one of their 5 courses I believe it is(?!), go fishing on our choice of 12 lakes and just sit in the sun and take it easy! We haven't done this alone since having Savannah, and although I hate to leave her in a sense, I'm ready to just get away from life with my hubby for a few days while regrouping and relaxing! Please pray for safe travel if you think about it and that it will be a good time of refreshment for us both. We will celebrate the big 5 years in 3 weeks! :)

All that to say, I know this is Memorial Day weekend and lots of people will be traveling, while some may choose to stay home because of rising gas prices (which I feel kind of sick about spending for, but am somewhat used to it driving back and forth to Nashville so much for so long...), but I am curious to see where you might be going. We wanted to get away somewhere quiet this time, not somewhere with lots of attractions, theme parks, etc. We've had our share of that and are just ready for some R&R! You may be doing something fun filled, adventurous, and action packed, though....if so, tell me about it! I want some feedback...not just to always share what's on my mind all the time, but hear from readers who have been around since I first started updating about Tori back in November. I feel like I know so many of you on a personal, friend, day to day basis, so I'm interested in YOU, too! You may plan on lounging around the house, and that's okay, too....but whatever it is, I'd love to hear from you! :)

Everyone have a WONDERFUL Memorial Day Weekend!!!

JOB

The Lord knows my heart, but I ask that you will pray with me on a big unspoken. I am really torn in a lot of different ways right now. Life has finally gotten around to being what it was before, and by that I mean in lots of different ways and things, but yet still not quite the same. Hard to explain, and without sounding too frazzled, I'll just leave it at that. Just please pray for me if you will.

I am enjoying my time at home with Savannah, but with gas and everything else rising now, I am contemplating a lot of different things and trying not to worry about them all at the same time. While going through everything with Tori, we realized all the things that we thought were so important before or worth stressing over were actually very trivial. However, our "demons" tend to come back around so to speak once there's not anything bigger or better pressing at the time. Hope that makes some sense.....basically, Satan knows how to attack us at just the right time and what tactics to use. The saying, "You're either about to go through a storm, or you're in the midst of a storm, or you're coming out of a storm," is truer than I realized. I learned what it meant to fully trust and not worry when Tori was so sick, but will I still cling tight to that in other, everyday things? Will you?

We had Graduates Day yesterday at church, and I was very moved by what several of the youth and various people said and spoke on. I was challenged and refreshed. I then go "out into the world," back into my everyday run of the mill kind of days, and Satan challenges me on what I heard and prayed about. We heard yesterday how Satan wants to steal, kill and destroy us. He wants to steal our joy. He wants to destroy our lives, our testimony, what we believe in and stand for.

I must admit it's very difficult to live a victorious Christian life everyday, and if you can't relate to that statement, I am happy for you that life is so easy for you! :) Seriously though, there are so many things thrown at us everyday that we are constantly having to choose a right attitude, a right response, a right decision, and I could go on. So many times I fail, but I desire to strive to do what the seniors were challenged to do yesterday....and that is to live godly, Christian lives everyday, putting Him first, seeking Him and His righteousness first, letting all other things be added unto me. He promises to bless my life if I put Him first. I may not think any blessings are going to ever possibly come out of all the bad things, all the problems, all the worries, but did Job know that everything was going to be okay? He asked "WHY?" but God didn't answer him directly. It's somewhat disturbing that God didn't seem to answer, but He didn't condemn Job for asking why either. Sometimes He will answer; sometimes He won't. Do we need a clause that says everything is going to be okay and then we will trust Him? If so, that's not true faith.

In reading a devotion about Job, it said it perfectly, "We live in a broken world full of sinful people. It is a planet of rebellion against its Creator; it should hardly surprise us that believers are caught in the crossfire." Does that mean that the Lord won't bless us, though? NO! I've said it before, but we live in a sinful world, and all the evil, hard, difficult, sorrowful things in this life are results of our sin. Striving to be more Christlike and committed to Him and trusting that the Lord will come through for us like we say we believe, though, makes this life all worthwhile.

The devotion also said, "When you are tempted to blame God for your suffering, think of it like this: It's like giving a fragile, priceless, family heirloom to a child. He looks over it and then smashes it to the floor. As he stands there in the midst of the shattered pieces of what you gave him, he shakes his clenched fists in your face and says, "Look what you've done! Look at this piece of junk you gave me!" The child is wrong; you gave him a wonderful, treasured possesion and he ruined it. God gave us a perfect world, but we've turned it into the chaos that it is today." This puts it into perspective perfectly that we live in a sinful world and how it's ultimately our fault and just because we're Christians and good people doesn't mean we are exempt from suffering or hard times. We just have the hope that we will overcome it all because He overcame the world! Job was a good person, doing what he should when all of his trials started.

I am reminded that "It's easy to serve God when life is sunny; the test is how we respond when the storm washes over us. And if you're serious about following Jesus, brace yourself; storms will come." My friend whom I am studying Job with pointed out that the Lord was the one who said to Satan, "Have you considered MY servant Job? There is no one on earth like him; he is blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns evil." He allows storms in our lives, no doubt, and some people might doubt His authority or even His existence because of that. They say "If God is good, He must not be all powerful, or He wouldn't allow evil in our lives."

The bottom line pointed out in this same devotion is that "GOD DOESN'T PROMISE HIS CHILDREN HAPPINESS. He's much more concerned with our holiness- and often that involves pain and sacrifice. Worthwhile things seldom come without great cost. Following Jesus is no exception." Everyday, people reject Christ because of this. They don't see that what He did for us, which was dying at calvary, makes us so unworthy and that following Him, being His servant, enduring trials and yet praising Him through them, is what we are supposed to do. It's what we are called to do. They confuse themselves by thinking that God enjoys making us suffer, but truly, he doesn't get anything out of watching us hurt. It hurts him, too. He's our Father, and He hurts when His children hurt. He just wants us to be like His Son (who came to suffer and die for us)- even when life isn't all rosey.

So back to my unspoken, this blog was a challenge to me, not just you. I am trying to put all this into practice when it comes to things I'm praying about and what goes on in my own life. I pray that the Lord reveals Himself in a mighty, powerful way in my life and that I will be ready for it. If I'm not in the hour of waiting, expecting or anticipating hearing from Him or seeing Him work, I might miss it. Wouldn't that be awful? He wants to use His servants who are willing and able....sometimes in the most unexpected ways. Will you let Him use you? Are you going through a storm or coming out of one or possibly entering one? I'd love to hear from others about your experience with this subject, your thoughts and/or opinions. It is encouraging to me and I welcome your comments. You don't have to be a blogger member to leave a comment. Let me know what you think....

Update

I thought I'd just give a quick update for those who were praying for my dad while he was in the hospital. He stayed a couple of nights, they did a CT (which came back normal), his EKG showed his coronary artery disease (which we already knew about as a damage from radiation), his colonoscopy looked good, his blood work showed that he was severely dehydrated which we knew, so he was able to receive several bags of fluid during his two day stay. They did put him on some new stomach medicine and he was on Zofran every 4 hours while in the hospital. We think at first he had just gotten a bad stomach virus, but then he got dehydrated so badly that he just couldn't get over it. All that to say that he has to be extra cautious when he gets real sick like this because he doesn't have a spleen, which helps fight off sickness, so if he gets "kicked while he's down," it could not be good. I am proud to say that he is home and on the mend, though (and getting back to his ornery self :) just kidding!)!!

Through this, I thought about Tori and how long it seemed like my dad was away from home, yet Tori was "away" from home for nearly 6 months, all her life. I wish SO badly that she would have gotten a normal chance at life....to come home to her family who could have loved on her better at home.....to have played with her big sister.....I watch how Savannah is with her baby dolls and she would have been such a good big sister!! She was asking me to help her feed them the other day, and I was teaching her how to burp them after she gives them their bottle.....she took it all in, watching every move, and it was so sweet! I know she would have been so good helping with Tori! There are little things I think of often and miss terribly about Tori, and yet I have a peace about it all. It definitely "surpasses all understanding" the way I feel.

Facing the Past

For some people, facing their past can be a lot bigger than what I'm going to talk about. And for me, this was not that long ago, but it's still in the "past." It may even sound kind of trivial, but I assure you it wasn't for me yesterday.

My dad was admitted into the hospital yesterday, for severe dehydration that I know for sure, but he has been sick for over a week now and could never kick this "virus," or so we thought it was. So, he had a CT scan done yesterday afternoon, which Praise God!, it came back normal. His EKG showed his coronary artery disease in his heart, which we already knew about as a result of all the radiation from when he had cancer. All his lab work has shown thus far that he is indeed dehydrated but nothing more serious at this point. As of this morning, they are still discussing whether or not to proceed with a colonoscopy today.

He has reached the magic number in age when one is usually done anyway, and with all his symptoms, it may be a good idea. Still waiting to hear at this point. All that to say....first of all, please pray for him....for a speedy recovery and that He will be feeling completely better really soon. He is still on a clear liquid diet and not feeling well at all, so they are still ruling everything out. Secondly, my "past" that I had to overcome through all this wasn't even a second thought, because "crisis" mode kicked in, and I just went, not even thinking about it. But the second I pulled into that parking garage and walked into the hospital, it was like something came flying at me and I felt a lot of different things. Let me try to explain without sounding crazy :)

That was my first time back in a hospital since Tori died, and I never thought it would hurt, feel strange, uncomfortable or anything like that, but it did at first. The smell, the people, knowing people's lives were being changed in this hospital by a loved one's sickness or even death, I just felt really uncomfortable. It wasn't even the same hospital, but it felt odd nonetheless. Like I said, though, "crisis mode" kicks in, and you just do it.....I went on up to my dad's room.

I have texted with regularly and kept in touch with my dear friend, Amanda, Tori's primary nurse at Huntsville, and after being with my dad for awhile, I texted her to see if she happened to be working. I hadn't seen her since all this happened; she came to Nashville awhile back to see Tori and was unfortunately out of town when she passed away and we had her funeral. I was anxious to see and talk with her in person and she said yes, she was at work. My mom asked, "Are you sure you're going to be able to do that?" and I immediately knew what she meant. Could I handle going to the 3rd floor, walking that hall that I walked everyday for weeks on end? Could I handle seeing it all again and feeling it all, with my heart still so raw to the whole thing? Well, I didn't know, but I knew I had to try. I had already braved coming to the hospital, so why not go all the way, so to speak?!

So, I took the tram over to Women and Children's Hospital. I got on the elevator I had gotten on SO many times before while going to visit her, until it felt like at that moment, I had never stopped doing it. It all came rushing back. The elevator stopped at the 2nd floor, with a big "Labor & Delivery" sign showing as the doors opened. I looked during that brief moment of the door being opened, and remembered sitting in that waiting room the day I came in at 27 weeks and they told me I didn't have a virus, but that I wouldn't be leaving the hospital until I had my baby. I thought about that was the floor I was on when that precious baby came into this world...when I saw her for the first time. It probably sounds weird, but all I can relate it to is all the firsts we experience with our babies at home and all their many milestones, well this is all I have to compare it to....all my firsts with Tori were unfortunately in a hospital.

I rode the elevator on up to the 3rd floor and as the door opened, I fought back the tears as I began to walk down that long hallway, with pictures on both sides all over the walls of "miracle babies," "Success stories," babies who started out so tiny and what they overcame. Some pictures are of them at 3 years of age with a sibling, and I remembered looking at them so many times, thinking that one day Tori would be on that wall. What a story she would have, so much she overcame. I teared up thinking that day would never come now.

I then buzzed for Amanda and while waiting on her to come meet me, I realized where I was standing....in the exact spot I was waiting the night they didn't give me a whole lot of hope and we then proceeded to go to Vanderbilt that night. I remembered the fear and uncertainty I had standing there in that same spot only 6 months ago. You want to talk about feelings rushing back?! WOW. So many thoughts ran through my head. Then I saw Amanda. She hugged me tight for awhile and I thought I might lose it at one point, but I didn't. She said, "I'm sorry, I should've thought about meeting you and not asking you to come up here." I said "No, it's okay." That is when I felt like I had "faced my past."

We talked for awhile, and then 2 other nurses that were special to us and took good care of Tori, too, came out and I got to talk with them. We talked about so many things, but all I could think through all of it, was how God was truly glorified through every aspect of our conversation.....whether we realized it or not. Amanda and I did discuss that we don't understand why things like this happen and how it does make you angry sometimes to see babies suffer, but in the end of all that was that the Lord carries us and brings us through it, giving us the strength we need every step of the way. That's God getting the glory every way I look at it. To know that others understand how I feel, but they see through Tori's life, through Audrey Smith's life, and countless others who've stood strong, that our Lord is "Mighty to Save" and is truly ALL we need through times like this in our life, it meant a lot to say the least.

I told Deb, one of our other nurses, that I still had the index cards she gave me before we went to Vanderbilt. There was one day when I was afraid, I was defeated, I was worried, I was at rock bottom because we didn't know what was wrong with Tori and we knew she would probably have to be transferred to Vandy. I blogged about this a long time ago, but she went to her purse and got out 2 index cards for both phrases I had said: "I am afraid" and "I am worried." WOW...how awesome it is when God puts people like this in our paths just when we need it. There were verses at the bottom of each one to overcome that saying at the top. I thought that was an awesome idea to do so that when you are feeling a certain way, you can pull out that card anywhere you are, and then see what His word says about it. I appreciate Amanda and Deb's witness to me, and to being exactly what I needed during a horrible storm in my life.

I called Josh on the way back to my dad's room, and when I first told him where I'd been, he replied shockingly, "You went over there?!?!" I somewhat couldn't believe it myself. I was glad I did, though. It hurt to see a parent carrying a carseat in there, which meant they were getting ready to take their baby home and that I would never carry Tori home. It hurt to think that we won't be at the preemie party, something they host for all NICU graduates at the age of 2. It hurt to think that I no longer have a baby to go see in there. Josh and I got to where we HATED, despised, and were so tired of the hospital life. Eating fast food constantly, no rest, exhaustion, hard beds and chairs to sleep on, making the trips, having no normal routine to life, it all got very tiring. I would do all that again, though, just to know that she was still here. I felt bad for complaining about it at times, but we still had a 2 year old to try and be "normal" for. I would do any of that again, though, just to know I could see her face and kiss those sweet cheeks at that NICU again. I would never want that to be the extent of her quality of life, but you hopefully know what I mean.

So, that's the long, detailed explanation of my "facing the past" yesterday. It may bring pain and not be in your comfort zone, but when you're ready, or maybe even when you think you're not, I would try to face something painful in your past, whatever it may be. You may find healing through it.

Mother's Day

Blah. That's just how I felt and just how it was all day. I probably sound ungrateful, but really I'm not, because how could you be ungrateful when you have this precious smiling face singing "Happy Mother's Day to you" to the tune of "Happy Birthday to you" first thing in the morning?! Savannah was definitely the highlight of my day!

Unfortunately, I was feeling bad physically so that was enough right there to put a damper on the day, but overall, I was just mad. I was mad at the world. I wanted Aiden here (our 1st baby we lost due to miscarriage right after my 1st trimester ended last year), but if he would've been born, then Tori wouldn't have, and I wouldn't have seen all I have learned from Tori's life and all He has done through it.

I wondered at the time of losing Aiden why He would allow this to happen, and why I then got pregnant only 2 months later with Tori. I see a little bit everyday of why things like that unfold....because Tori's purpose and what all she did in her short little life could have never been accomplished. Nevertheless, I wanted both babies here yesterday! I didn't shout it out to the world how bad I was feeling; I actually try to play it pretty cool so to speak, because truly I'm not good at expressing my feelings verbally (you wouldn't guess that by how honest I write, huh?). I instead release my feelings in other ways....like I take it out on others (my husband or family as an example), when really it's nothing particular they've done, just how I'm feeling deep inside and it's the easiest release there is it seems. (Hope that made some sense?!)

So I went to the cemetery yesterday afternoon, and I asked Josh to let me have some time alone with her first. I went and sat down beside her and the tears came. The anger came. I was MAD. I didn't want to be here doing this on Mother's Day. I wanted to be feeding her, burping her, changing her diaper, rocking her to sleep, feeling her grasp my finger, smell her sweet baby smell and overall have her HERE, in my life!! I told God I didn't like it and I talked to Tori, too; telling her how empty my life seemed at times without her in it.



After a few minutes of this, I became quiet, humbled by a fresh plot that I saw as I looked up through my tears just a little ways from Tori's that had just been covered that day. You could tell because they had just covered the casket with dirt and not put all the grass back on top of it yet like they do. You could also tell that all the flowers on top were fresh and not a single one was wilted or looked a day old. I wondered if it was someone's mother, and it may not have been, but what a terrible day to bury someone, especially your mother, on Mother's Day.




I felt for that person's family. I just wanted to hug their neck and tell them I knew how they felt. And then, I got mad again. I got mad for them. I thought about the hurt they are feeling today and how much their life is forever changed. Everyone is someone's mother, father, daughter, son, sister, brother, uncle, aunt, cousin, or grandfather and grandmother. I must admit, I didn't leave that cemetery with some life changing feeling, I was still angry.

It wasn't until later in the afternoon that I went home and spent some time alone and sorted out a lot of feelings and was able to come to peace with it all. I said deep inside "Lord, please don't let this anger consume me. I hate how this feels." Sure enough, my angry emotions passed after time and we spent the evening with some friends and I was feeling better than I was before anyway. I am thankful that the Lord loves me despite my bad attitude, my anger, my "filthy rags," because ultimately that is what all my works are and all my actions. But Praise God that it doesn't end there!

We sang a song in church yesterday "Mighty to Save," and I am so glad that He is my Saviour, mighty to save me, despite all my filthiness each and everyday. I imagine Him as a daddy figure, wrapping His arms around me, wiping me off, loving me just the same, and being my Saviour!! Thank you, Lord!

By the way, these are the pictures of Tori's new marker at the cemetery that I was referring to the other day. It's so beautiful...even more so in person.

Random

Just random thoughts today.....

I've been meaning to mention it for a week now, but Tori's marker on her grave came in last week and it's the most beautiful thing. It's been 8 weeks, but we had to get that much paid for before they would order it. It fits her perfectly (it's granite with the shape of a heart on top) and is very special. We had enough room to put Victoria "Tori" L. Wilhoit on it, and I was so glad. For those who knew her well enough through my blogs, you know that we liked to call her Victoria because we felt that it suited her well....to be victorious over being premature, being sick, everything thrown her way. Ultimately, she was victorious in a different way, but nevertheless she was. "Tori," though, is near and dear to my heart. I've always liked it since my dad had cancer when I was in middle school....his oncologist's name was Tori, and it stuck with me. I remember her vividly and having such a huge part in my dad's sickness and helping him to get through it, until it only seemed fitting to me to name Tori somewhat after her.

Anyway, I will try to remember to take a picture of it, I did with my phone, but I meant to with my camera, and post it for you who are far away and won't be able to see it. For those of you who would like to ever visit her sometime, I will tell you where it is- very easy to find. Huntsville Memory Gardens on 72 has a white fenced in area at the back of the cemetery called "English Cottage" and the flowers and trees are blooming around it this time of year and it's perfect for her. We want to get a granite bench (as a family) for her by her 1st birthday so we can sit out there with her better. It's the newest part of the cemetery, very few plots in it taken yet, so you would be able to find hers pretty easily. We have had several friends go by and leave flowers, and I don't know that I've ever said thank you formally, but thank you!

Also- I am working on getting all of her pictures in online albums on shutterfly to be able to have them organized and all together. It's taken me awhile because there are SO many, so there will be more to come. Until then, here is the site where you can view them if you're ever interested. I haven't printed them all and put them in a baby book like I'd really like to, because there are so many and it would cost a lot to do so all at once, but here's a start. Enjoy!

http://toriwilhoit.shutterfly.com/action/

Also- to update on the other day....I was really nervous before speaking at the Ladies Bible Study but it was a very warm, laid back and comforting group of ladies whom I enjoyed spending time sharing with, and I feel like I was able to "get some stuff out." They probably don't realize how much it really helped me to be able to do so. I truly appreciate everyone who prayed for me and my nerves to be calmed. They weren't at first, but the Lord used everything just the way He wanted I truly believe. A few of the ladies and I talked about publishing my journal entries, well that is something else I ask that you pray with me on. I have probably already shared this recently, but I want it to be a God ordained thing if that happens, and right now, I just can't commit to "finishing" her journal, but in time, I may be able to. I am just praying for the right doors to open if it be His will and anything that He may want to use Josh or I for.

Thanks for listening today! I feel like I was just all over the place! :) I have enjoyed the new "blog world," but miss hearing from my "old readers," too. I hope that everyone is doing well, though. Have a good weekend....and Happy Mother's Day to all you mothers out there!

Prayer Requests

Tomorrow will be 2 months that Tori has been gone. I honestly feel like it was just yesterday that we were in Nashville, in her room with her, spending time with her everyday. It doesn't seem like eternity at all for me. It's not a faded memory or something that I am getting over. It's been an adjustment to my way of life for 2 months, but that's about it...a change in routines. Her presence and her memory is still as vivid to me as it was 2 months ago when I saw her laying in my arms looking up at me and holding my finger. It's somewhat odd just how vivid it really is. I haven't seen several people for over 2 months that I'm really close to, but their physical presence isn't near as vivid to me. She was my life. My little girl. My sweet, sweet miracle. God gave us almost 6 precious months with her, and I am SO thankful for that time He gave me to be with her...getting to know her...watching her...helping take care of her as best as a mother could in my situation....and most importantly, loving her.

Not only is it the mark of 2 months that she's been gone tomorrow, but it will also be the first time I have publicly spoken to a group about Tori's life, what it's taught me, etc.- other than our grief support group we've shared with. I covet your prayers tomorrow morning. I will be sharing with a group of ladies that attend a weekly Bible Study at a church in town that I used to work at. They are a group of ladies who have encouraged me along the way, keeping up with Tori's progress and praying for her and us all the way. I look forward to meeting with them and sharing about what the Lord's doing in our lives, but I'm also very nervous somewhat. Nervous because it is about Tori and I haven't said it all "out loud" to this many people yet.

I usually do well speaking in general, but this is about a very near and dear to my heart issue and I'm still very emotional at times when talking about it all. I know they won't mind any tears at all, I am just honestly praying that the Lord will speak TO me and THROUGH me tomorrow. I have asked the Lord to use me and said that I am a willing vessel wanting to be used for Him and His glory. So when I was asked to do this, I prayed about it, and I had some close friends pray along with me, and I proceeded to agree to speak. I want Tori's life to count, to mean something, to make an impact on others...for her to not be forgotten. She went through so much that she deserves the honor and the memory that I can give her. So here is where I will try to do just that. Please pray that my words will be HIS words and He will give me the strength I need. Along with speaking and it being an emotional day marking 2 months since Tori's death, I really feel like I need your prayers.

Also- I really dread this weekend just to be honest. "I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me" is what I'm reminding myself of, though. Some may say, "But at least you have one beautiful daughter that you should be thankful for," and believe me, I am. Very. But Mother's Day won't be quite the same for me again this year. It was difficult last year because just a few months before it, I had lost "Aiden" through a miscarriage, so I was yearning for that sweet baby in my life that day. I then unexpectedly got pregnant with Tori, and my life seemed to have turned around from such an awful loss. Now, here we are at the next Mother's Day, and I've lost another precious baby. So in all, I am yearning for 2 more babies this Mother's Day.

I don't ask for a poor, pitiful me party, I really don't. I don't ever want to take away from anyone's happiness, I promise. I have told several of my friends who are either expecting, new mothers, or have babies about as old as Tori, that I want them to be happy and me NEVER, EVER take away from their happiness. Just because of my loss doesn't mean everyone else shouldn't go on with their lives. I have been blessed with wonderful friends, though, that have told me they want to be so sensitive to my hurt right now and they understand that being around babies is very, very difficult for me to do right now. I wish to God this wasn't the case, but unfortunately it is. I know someone that said they couldn't be around teenage kids when their teenage child died. They yearned for that time in their child's life, until it was too unbearable to see other kids acting the way hers would be. I hope that puts it a little more into perspective and doesn't make me sound too totally selfish, because I don't want to be at all.

We had a baby dedication at church a few weeks ago, and it's something that if you ever read my blogs, you probably remember me talking about this, but I wanted so badly to be able to do with Tori. Even though we had already given her to the Lord in our hearts and prayers, we so badly wanted to dedicate her to the Lord with our church family as a testament to her sweet little life and let everyone see what a miracle they had prayed for. The point is that even though it was difficult to be there for, I stayed for the baby dedication and even though that was a hard rest of the day for me, the Lord saw me through it. It wasn't fair, it hurt and I pitched my 2 year old fit that you've heard me talk about before, where me and God had somewhat of a shouting match. He just listened and I eventually got over it and finally humbled myself, but I'm not going to lie, it was rough. SO, I ask for another prayer about strength for me this Mother's Day as I see all the babies and big bellies. I am happy for them all and never in a million years want them to experience what I have experienced, but I also wanted that for me and my family. I hope that is understandable. Your prayers for tomorrow and this weekend are appreciated in advance.

Grief

Losing someone is the most awful thing anyone could go through I truly believe. The physical presence of them here one day and gone the next is mind boggling to me in a sense. To have experienced it myself now, I have a better grasp on the reality of it, but it still blows my mind to think that Tori is really and truly "gone."

I've never known how to fully explain how it all feels, or even how to relate to someone else before now about exactly how they feel, but this excerpt from my friend's devotion put it perfectly. This is why I find encouragement through sharing what each of us experience through the word and what we learn from our time with the Lord. The author is Dee Brestin.

"I've just come back from taping a broadcast on grief with Dr. James Dobson of Focus on the Family. I told him that ever since my husband died, I have an invisible knife sticking out of my heart. Some friends see it and know how to respond - others do not, and bump up against it, pushing it to excruciating depths of pain. The friends that see the knife (because they themselves have experienced a catastrophic loss or because they are sensitive to the Spirit) know that high-tide grief of a friend is the time to mourn, to be silent. Later there will be a time to laugh and to speak - but it's not when you are reeling from a loss that has changed your whole life."

Now that's not a slam on anyone, just the facts on how all this "works" and how awful it can all be at times because of all the normal things one experiences. She said she shared it because it is just nice to know someone else understands how you feel, and it is. People are so caring and so trying to find the right words, although a friend and I talked about all this and unfortunately, there are no perfect words. I appreciate every gesture and act of love done throughout this time by everyone who has tried to be an encouragement to us through this time, though. I really and truly do.

I just loved how this author put it...and I thought I'd pass it on to hopefully encourage someone else who's lost someone....because there are others who understand how you feel....and I'm one of them. I pray for peace and encouragement for you.

"Though He Slay Me, Yet Will I Hope in Him..."

That was the title of my devotion yesterday. I really don't plan on sharing them with you everyday, but God just seems to be laying it on me lately in all the right areas until it's just like being a new Christian again and you want to share with everyone you know!! (A friend and I plan on doing a study of Job together and I cannot wait to see what the Lord reveals to me as we go through it...so I'm sure you'll be hearing about some of that, too!) :o)

As I read this devotion, I felt like she was explaining my inner heart and feelings to a "T." I was telling a friend of mine the other day that through grief counseling, books, and various people, I've heard "you have a right to feel the way you do...your feelings and "emotions" are normal and healthy." Well I began feeling somewhat guilty with some of my emotions. I thought "Yes, this may be deemed "normal" to feel this way, but to what extent is not sinful?" Let me explain. Grieving and being angry are "normal" feelings, but when it goes to the extreme in certain circumstances (that I won't go into for the sake of lengthiness), Satan will use those emotions and "normal" feelings to rob you of your joy and discourage you so deeply into a pit that you can't seem to get out of. It may also cause you to doubt God and His "Plan B" for your life.

You may have seen in my email to our church family, or on the side column of my blog, about the Smith family's video, but if not, I will share it with you all now. A church in Nashville did a video talking about their situation and how they have lost their infant daughter, Audrey. They found out at 20 weeks gestation that Audrey had several fatal issues. They heard the word "fatal," but knew that their God was bigger than any doctor's diagnosis and that ultimately, HE is the great physician. Even when Audrey was born, they hoped for a miracle. They never gave up hope. Ultimately, the Lord saw fit to take Audrey home with Him, just as He did Tori. Their hearts are broken, so I ask you to pray for them. The good part is, I know if I asked them, they would agree with me in saying that they believe this verse, Job 13:15, is true in their hearts and lives as well.

Back to the video- the church that recorded it, is doing a series discussing our "Plan B's" in life. Ultimately, there is no "Plan B," for God knows everything that will be and He is in control of it all. However, when our dreams come crashing down, and for us, our daughter doesn't live like we thought she would, will we still remain faithful and "hope in Him?" Will we accept His "Plan B" for our life? I encourage you to watch this video. It's 22 minutes, but well worth the time. For those who have been following Tori's story since birth, you will probably see how strikingly similar some of the things in their story is to ours. The hoping for a miracle and her life to be spared, and yet trusting that it was a greater impact for it to happen this way, is the major thing that sticks out in my mind. The link for the video is http://www.vimeo.com/951902/.

After seeing this video and reading the following devotion, Josh and I discussed about the lady writing it, that even though she didn't know if the spot in her colon was cancerous, and whether or not she had long to live, she remained faithful and hoped in Him. Some may say "Well that's easy for her to say, she didn't die and it wasn't cancerous." Her "Plan A" worked out. But what about people like the Smith's, whose daughter didn't receive a miracle to undo the fatal issues? What about my entire family, who after watching Tori fight for so long and believing that the Lord could heal her, but in the end didn't?

We, the Smith's and my family (and only with His help), have remained faithful and have not succumbed to our "emotions" and what we may really feel deep down. That is where I believe the line is drawn in our "normal" feelings and then when they become sinful...when we don't accept the Plan B in our lives...when things don't work out the way we wanted...when we didn't get the job promotion we wanted but someone else did...when a relationship in our life fails...when someone you love dies....when you're "slayed" (as each of these areas describe)...will you still "hope and trust in Him?" I pray you will.


Though He Slay Me I will Trust- "Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him;" Job 13:15

Devotion:
Have you ever become a victim to your emotions? I have. Many times our circumstances stir our emotions and we respond inappropriately. While our emotions toward our situation are not entirely wrong; they are just not entirely reliable. But God is.Adversity, trials, and sufferings are God's greatest tools for growing us spiritually. However, our emotions can tell us otherwise, making it hard to trust God for a good outcome. I think the reason it may be hard to rely on God in hardships is because we forget who our God is. We are focused on what our eyes can see instead of the unseen hand of God at work in our lives.During this past year, the doctor discovered a mass in my colon from a CT scan. Usually, I'm not one to worry until there is something to worry about. Although this time I was consumed with "what if." What if it's cancer? What if I've come to the end of my days and my kids have to grow up without a mom? What if this trial is a test of faith? Like Job, will I be able to say, "Though you slay me, I will trust you?" I hoped so.

God only eliminates the things in my life that don't "look" like Him. If there is a characteristic in my life that needs to be put to death, I can trust God will do it and I'll be better off without it. While my mind may acknowledge this truth, my emotions need God's grace in order to trust Him in the process. God's grace is always sufficient. He is enough for whatever I face. Recalling God's faithfulness in my past helps me trust Him in the present. Like David, Habakkuk and many others, I stir my faith in God by remembering those past victories. David was able to face and slay the giant because he remembered God's faithfulness in his past battles. Habakkuk, as he prayed about his situation, remembered God's history with the Israelite children and how He brought them triumph. Remembering our past victories reminds us of just how big and able our God is, and rescues us from any doubt in our present situation. It offers strength, hope, and the faith we need to endure.In our human nature, we fear. But as children of God, we must remember how the righteous live. They live by faith. So I'm learning to say in my circumstances, "God, this is not what I want. It's not what I planned for my life, but though you slay me I'm choosing to trust you."

After further testing, the mass that appeared on my CT scan could no longer be detected. The doctors were stunned. At first, I was surprised, too. Then, I realized that God not only eliminated the mass in my colon. He eliminated another layer of doubt in my life. In the hollow of that place, a deeper faith in God took root. Instead of trusting my feelings, I'm choosing to trust my God. He is enough both now and always for whatever comes my way. While my emotions my trip me up from time to time, still, I will trust Him. Why--because if something needs slaying in my life, I'm better off without it and God is just the one to make the change a success.

Dear Lord, I don't understand what's going on in my life right now. This is not what I planned, but I choose to trust You. Help me to see the good You are bringing out of my situation, and the good You can bring within me. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Looking for Help

There are all types of self help books out there, and more convienently, there's google. You can find just about anything you want to that will inform, educate or "help" you by searching for it online. There are so many other modern day things available to look to and surprisingly enough, many Christians look other places FIRST before they seek out HIS help for daily decisions, choices, opinions and overall help.

I found myself looking to the Lord more than ever while facing the unknown for so long with Tori. It's funny how "storms" seem to bring us to our knees and cause us to rely on Him more than ever. I am thankful that we made the choice to look to Him ultimately, but don't doubt that my flesh wanted to run sometimes when it felt like the bottom was going to fall out!

I am thankful looking back that we chose that path, but it was only with His help. I will say it again as I have before, we are NOT super Christians and don't claim to be, the Lord just knew how to work this in my life for good (Jeremiah 29:11) and thankfully, I had surrendered to His plan. I can only imagine the heartache I would be feeling now if I had not. I cannot fathom what unbelievers feel when they experience a loss like we have. One more reason to win them to Him.

Throughout many endless hospital days and nights, many people emailed me or sent a card with this verse on it, and it was the focal point of my devotion today: "I will lift up my eyes to the mountains; from where shall my help come?" Psalm 121:1 I often times imagined myself looking up to the sky just looking for Him. Waiting. Resting. And waiting some more. It was a long time it seemed like looking and waiting for Him and His help, but He proved Himself faithful.

Yes, I said He proved Himself faithful. Some unbelievers might say "But your daughter died? He didn't heal her, he didn't "come through" for you. How can you still look to Him for help?" Well, I can answer that by referring them to a simple verse that says "His ways are not my ways, His thoughts are not my thoughts" and because that is true, He is omnipotent, omniscient God watching and waiting to make Himself seen and heard in my life to myself and others in an amazing way. He has proved Himself faithful by fulfilling the promise that He has a plan for my life to prosper me and help me and that it will all work together for good. He has used my sweet baby girl to reach others for Him and hopefully drawn people closer that were already believers. I know it's true because of an email I received tonight from a newer church member that I had already talked with before about this, but it was good to be reminded that her life was not in vain.

She says through Tori's life, they saw an awesome testimony and ultimately that is what made them desire a relationship with Christ. WOW. All of Tori's pain and suffering and my pain watching her go through it all was worth it in the end. I may not have thought so at the time, but there is proof. And it's because of the Person chosen for our entire family's source of help...HIM.

I guess I want to put this disclaimer out there as much as possible, but it's nothing we've done!! I just wanted to share all this with someone that may need it and remind us all that people are watching, listening and waiting to see who or what you're going to look to in time of need. I have a fish on the back of my car and I also have road rage at times (LOL), so I try to remind myself of that fish on the back and who it's representing when I'm really mad at the person who cut me off or did something stupid! :)

I guess I tend to think more about what's really important in life since our life has changed so much and slowed down from what it was like when we were in Nashville all the time. It's caused me to think about A LOT of things. Tori made a lasting impression on my heart and in my mind to the point that I am not even the same person anymore. Really. If I truly think about it, I am forever changed in SO many ways, that I will never, ever be that person I was before her birth. I'm not even the same person I was before she got sick and we thought she would eventually come home and we would go on with our lives as a family of 4. Not anymore. I think differently, I act differently, everything is just different in SO many ways. To say that her life and this experience and feeling of loss was life changing, that's an understatement. It was a total 360 for me. I know Josh feels the same way.

So here's my devotional that I wanted to share and I hope you get something out of it, too.

"Where Does Your Help Come From?"

"I will lift up my eyes to the mountains; from where shall my help come?"
Psalm 121:1 (NASB)

Devotion:
Where does your help come from? When crisis strikes, adversity hits, or sorrow shadows you, where do you go for help? How we answer this question truly reflects the depth of our belief that God is watching and waiting to come to our aid. I will be the first to admit that there are times when I struggle to look to the right source for my help.

Recently I have been studying the Psalms. Before I took an in-depth look at Psalm 121, I did not understand what the writer was seeing as he wrote this plea for help. The terrain surrounding him was mountainous. I've learned it was common for those walking by to look up in this mountainous landscape and see pagan worshippers worshiping their false gods on the mountaintops. When people had fears or needed a spell to ward off an evil spirit, they went to the mountaintops seeking help from the false gods, and pagan priests or priestesses.

After learning of these practices, I listened to the Psalmist's cry with a different ear. He knew what help was held in the mountains surrounding him. He looked up and saw many receiving false help from false gods, and he cried out," I will lift up my eyes to the mountains; from where shall my help come?" Can you hear his plea?

Where does your help come from? What false help awaits you on the mountaintop of your horizon? In our day, there may not be a Baal, a sun priest, or a moon priestess on our mountains, but we turn to other sources of false help. Women all over the globe accept false hope from powerful media influences. Whether it is from a magazine purchased in the grocery checkout line, a book from the self-help aisle, or a popular channel on the television, we can see false help.

The next verse from the Psalmist's pen is a declaration that I challenge us both to make. As women of faith, let's turn off the false help of powerful media influences and declare with the Psalmist, "My help comes from the LORD, who made heaven and earth." This declaration will no doubt make the enemy of our world angry. He wants to keep our attention focused on the false help we have grown accustomed to receiving. He wants to keep us from the real, authentic, and loving help that comes from trusting the Maker of heaven and earth.

Will you accept the challenge? Instead of choosing a familiar channel on the remote control, take the time you would normally spend watching television and find a quiet place to talk the One who offers real help for the problems you may be facing. Refuse to purchase a new women's magazine to read while in line or on your lunch hour, or chose a more wholesome one instead like the P31 Woman. Pick up your Bible and read about God's perfect plan for your life, a plan to give you a hope and a future. Real help from a real God awaits you.

Dear Lord, forgive me for seeking false help from this world. I wait to seek You, my true source of help but I am afraid. Help me to overcome the fear and celebrate the future you want for me. In Jesus' Name, Amen.