Mother's Day

Blah. That's just how I felt and just how it was all day. I probably sound ungrateful, but really I'm not, because how could you be ungrateful when you have this precious smiling face singing "Happy Mother's Day to you" to the tune of "Happy Birthday to you" first thing in the morning?! Savannah was definitely the highlight of my day!

Unfortunately, I was feeling bad physically so that was enough right there to put a damper on the day, but overall, I was just mad. I was mad at the world. I wanted Aiden here (our 1st baby we lost due to miscarriage right after my 1st trimester ended last year), but if he would've been born, then Tori wouldn't have, and I wouldn't have seen all I have learned from Tori's life and all He has done through it.

I wondered at the time of losing Aiden why He would allow this to happen, and why I then got pregnant only 2 months later with Tori. I see a little bit everyday of why things like that unfold....because Tori's purpose and what all she did in her short little life could have never been accomplished. Nevertheless, I wanted both babies here yesterday! I didn't shout it out to the world how bad I was feeling; I actually try to play it pretty cool so to speak, because truly I'm not good at expressing my feelings verbally (you wouldn't guess that by how honest I write, huh?). I instead release my feelings in other ways....like I take it out on others (my husband or family as an example), when really it's nothing particular they've done, just how I'm feeling deep inside and it's the easiest release there is it seems. (Hope that made some sense?!)

So I went to the cemetery yesterday afternoon, and I asked Josh to let me have some time alone with her first. I went and sat down beside her and the tears came. The anger came. I was MAD. I didn't want to be here doing this on Mother's Day. I wanted to be feeding her, burping her, changing her diaper, rocking her to sleep, feeling her grasp my finger, smell her sweet baby smell and overall have her HERE, in my life!! I told God I didn't like it and I talked to Tori, too; telling her how empty my life seemed at times without her in it.



After a few minutes of this, I became quiet, humbled by a fresh plot that I saw as I looked up through my tears just a little ways from Tori's that had just been covered that day. You could tell because they had just covered the casket with dirt and not put all the grass back on top of it yet like they do. You could also tell that all the flowers on top were fresh and not a single one was wilted or looked a day old. I wondered if it was someone's mother, and it may not have been, but what a terrible day to bury someone, especially your mother, on Mother's Day.




I felt for that person's family. I just wanted to hug their neck and tell them I knew how they felt. And then, I got mad again. I got mad for them. I thought about the hurt they are feeling today and how much their life is forever changed. Everyone is someone's mother, father, daughter, son, sister, brother, uncle, aunt, cousin, or grandfather and grandmother. I must admit, I didn't leave that cemetery with some life changing feeling, I was still angry.

It wasn't until later in the afternoon that I went home and spent some time alone and sorted out a lot of feelings and was able to come to peace with it all. I said deep inside "Lord, please don't let this anger consume me. I hate how this feels." Sure enough, my angry emotions passed after time and we spent the evening with some friends and I was feeling better than I was before anyway. I am thankful that the Lord loves me despite my bad attitude, my anger, my "filthy rags," because ultimately that is what all my works are and all my actions. But Praise God that it doesn't end there!

We sang a song in church yesterday "Mighty to Save," and I am so glad that He is my Saviour, mighty to save me, despite all my filthiness each and everyday. I imagine Him as a daddy figure, wrapping His arms around me, wiping me off, loving me just the same, and being my Saviour!! Thank you, Lord!

By the way, these are the pictures of Tori's new marker at the cemetery that I was referring to the other day. It's so beautiful...even more so in person.