Facing the Past

For some people, facing their past can be a lot bigger than what I'm going to talk about. And for me, this was not that long ago, but it's still in the "past." It may even sound kind of trivial, but I assure you it wasn't for me yesterday.

My dad was admitted into the hospital yesterday, for severe dehydration that I know for sure, but he has been sick for over a week now and could never kick this "virus," or so we thought it was. So, he had a CT scan done yesterday afternoon, which Praise God!, it came back normal. His EKG showed his coronary artery disease in his heart, which we already knew about as a result of all the radiation from when he had cancer. All his lab work has shown thus far that he is indeed dehydrated but nothing more serious at this point. As of this morning, they are still discussing whether or not to proceed with a colonoscopy today.

He has reached the magic number in age when one is usually done anyway, and with all his symptoms, it may be a good idea. Still waiting to hear at this point. All that to say....first of all, please pray for him....for a speedy recovery and that He will be feeling completely better really soon. He is still on a clear liquid diet and not feeling well at all, so they are still ruling everything out. Secondly, my "past" that I had to overcome through all this wasn't even a second thought, because "crisis" mode kicked in, and I just went, not even thinking about it. But the second I pulled into that parking garage and walked into the hospital, it was like something came flying at me and I felt a lot of different things. Let me try to explain without sounding crazy :)

That was my first time back in a hospital since Tori died, and I never thought it would hurt, feel strange, uncomfortable or anything like that, but it did at first. The smell, the people, knowing people's lives were being changed in this hospital by a loved one's sickness or even death, I just felt really uncomfortable. It wasn't even the same hospital, but it felt odd nonetheless. Like I said, though, "crisis mode" kicks in, and you just do it.....I went on up to my dad's room.

I have texted with regularly and kept in touch with my dear friend, Amanda, Tori's primary nurse at Huntsville, and after being with my dad for awhile, I texted her to see if she happened to be working. I hadn't seen her since all this happened; she came to Nashville awhile back to see Tori and was unfortunately out of town when she passed away and we had her funeral. I was anxious to see and talk with her in person and she said yes, she was at work. My mom asked, "Are you sure you're going to be able to do that?" and I immediately knew what she meant. Could I handle going to the 3rd floor, walking that hall that I walked everyday for weeks on end? Could I handle seeing it all again and feeling it all, with my heart still so raw to the whole thing? Well, I didn't know, but I knew I had to try. I had already braved coming to the hospital, so why not go all the way, so to speak?!

So, I took the tram over to Women and Children's Hospital. I got on the elevator I had gotten on SO many times before while going to visit her, until it felt like at that moment, I had never stopped doing it. It all came rushing back. The elevator stopped at the 2nd floor, with a big "Labor & Delivery" sign showing as the doors opened. I looked during that brief moment of the door being opened, and remembered sitting in that waiting room the day I came in at 27 weeks and they told me I didn't have a virus, but that I wouldn't be leaving the hospital until I had my baby. I thought about that was the floor I was on when that precious baby came into this world...when I saw her for the first time. It probably sounds weird, but all I can relate it to is all the firsts we experience with our babies at home and all their many milestones, well this is all I have to compare it to....all my firsts with Tori were unfortunately in a hospital.

I rode the elevator on up to the 3rd floor and as the door opened, I fought back the tears as I began to walk down that long hallway, with pictures on both sides all over the walls of "miracle babies," "Success stories," babies who started out so tiny and what they overcame. Some pictures are of them at 3 years of age with a sibling, and I remembered looking at them so many times, thinking that one day Tori would be on that wall. What a story she would have, so much she overcame. I teared up thinking that day would never come now.

I then buzzed for Amanda and while waiting on her to come meet me, I realized where I was standing....in the exact spot I was waiting the night they didn't give me a whole lot of hope and we then proceeded to go to Vanderbilt that night. I remembered the fear and uncertainty I had standing there in that same spot only 6 months ago. You want to talk about feelings rushing back?! WOW. So many thoughts ran through my head. Then I saw Amanda. She hugged me tight for awhile and I thought I might lose it at one point, but I didn't. She said, "I'm sorry, I should've thought about meeting you and not asking you to come up here." I said "No, it's okay." That is when I felt like I had "faced my past."

We talked for awhile, and then 2 other nurses that were special to us and took good care of Tori, too, came out and I got to talk with them. We talked about so many things, but all I could think through all of it, was how God was truly glorified through every aspect of our conversation.....whether we realized it or not. Amanda and I did discuss that we don't understand why things like this happen and how it does make you angry sometimes to see babies suffer, but in the end of all that was that the Lord carries us and brings us through it, giving us the strength we need every step of the way. That's God getting the glory every way I look at it. To know that others understand how I feel, but they see through Tori's life, through Audrey Smith's life, and countless others who've stood strong, that our Lord is "Mighty to Save" and is truly ALL we need through times like this in our life, it meant a lot to say the least.

I told Deb, one of our other nurses, that I still had the index cards she gave me before we went to Vanderbilt. There was one day when I was afraid, I was defeated, I was worried, I was at rock bottom because we didn't know what was wrong with Tori and we knew she would probably have to be transferred to Vandy. I blogged about this a long time ago, but she went to her purse and got out 2 index cards for both phrases I had said: "I am afraid" and "I am worried." WOW...how awesome it is when God puts people like this in our paths just when we need it. There were verses at the bottom of each one to overcome that saying at the top. I thought that was an awesome idea to do so that when you are feeling a certain way, you can pull out that card anywhere you are, and then see what His word says about it. I appreciate Amanda and Deb's witness to me, and to being exactly what I needed during a horrible storm in my life.

I called Josh on the way back to my dad's room, and when I first told him where I'd been, he replied shockingly, "You went over there?!?!" I somewhat couldn't believe it myself. I was glad I did, though. It hurt to see a parent carrying a carseat in there, which meant they were getting ready to take their baby home and that I would never carry Tori home. It hurt to think that we won't be at the preemie party, something they host for all NICU graduates at the age of 2. It hurt to think that I no longer have a baby to go see in there. Josh and I got to where we HATED, despised, and were so tired of the hospital life. Eating fast food constantly, no rest, exhaustion, hard beds and chairs to sleep on, making the trips, having no normal routine to life, it all got very tiring. I would do all that again, though, just to know that she was still here. I felt bad for complaining about it at times, but we still had a 2 year old to try and be "normal" for. I would do any of that again, though, just to know I could see her face and kiss those sweet cheeks at that NICU again. I would never want that to be the extent of her quality of life, but you hopefully know what I mean.

So, that's the long, detailed explanation of my "facing the past" yesterday. It may bring pain and not be in your comfort zone, but when you're ready, or maybe even when you think you're not, I would try to face something painful in your past, whatever it may be. You may find healing through it.