Prayer Requests

Tomorrow will be 2 months that Tori has been gone. I honestly feel like it was just yesterday that we were in Nashville, in her room with her, spending time with her everyday. It doesn't seem like eternity at all for me. It's not a faded memory or something that I am getting over. It's been an adjustment to my way of life for 2 months, but that's about it...a change in routines. Her presence and her memory is still as vivid to me as it was 2 months ago when I saw her laying in my arms looking up at me and holding my finger. It's somewhat odd just how vivid it really is. I haven't seen several people for over 2 months that I'm really close to, but their physical presence isn't near as vivid to me. She was my life. My little girl. My sweet, sweet miracle. God gave us almost 6 precious months with her, and I am SO thankful for that time He gave me to be with her...getting to know her...watching her...helping take care of her as best as a mother could in my situation....and most importantly, loving her.

Not only is it the mark of 2 months that she's been gone tomorrow, but it will also be the first time I have publicly spoken to a group about Tori's life, what it's taught me, etc.- other than our grief support group we've shared with. I covet your prayers tomorrow morning. I will be sharing with a group of ladies that attend a weekly Bible Study at a church in town that I used to work at. They are a group of ladies who have encouraged me along the way, keeping up with Tori's progress and praying for her and us all the way. I look forward to meeting with them and sharing about what the Lord's doing in our lives, but I'm also very nervous somewhat. Nervous because it is about Tori and I haven't said it all "out loud" to this many people yet.

I usually do well speaking in general, but this is about a very near and dear to my heart issue and I'm still very emotional at times when talking about it all. I know they won't mind any tears at all, I am just honestly praying that the Lord will speak TO me and THROUGH me tomorrow. I have asked the Lord to use me and said that I am a willing vessel wanting to be used for Him and His glory. So when I was asked to do this, I prayed about it, and I had some close friends pray along with me, and I proceeded to agree to speak. I want Tori's life to count, to mean something, to make an impact on others...for her to not be forgotten. She went through so much that she deserves the honor and the memory that I can give her. So here is where I will try to do just that. Please pray that my words will be HIS words and He will give me the strength I need. Along with speaking and it being an emotional day marking 2 months since Tori's death, I really feel like I need your prayers.

Also- I really dread this weekend just to be honest. "I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me" is what I'm reminding myself of, though. Some may say, "But at least you have one beautiful daughter that you should be thankful for," and believe me, I am. Very. But Mother's Day won't be quite the same for me again this year. It was difficult last year because just a few months before it, I had lost "Aiden" through a miscarriage, so I was yearning for that sweet baby in my life that day. I then unexpectedly got pregnant with Tori, and my life seemed to have turned around from such an awful loss. Now, here we are at the next Mother's Day, and I've lost another precious baby. So in all, I am yearning for 2 more babies this Mother's Day.

I don't ask for a poor, pitiful me party, I really don't. I don't ever want to take away from anyone's happiness, I promise. I have told several of my friends who are either expecting, new mothers, or have babies about as old as Tori, that I want them to be happy and me NEVER, EVER take away from their happiness. Just because of my loss doesn't mean everyone else shouldn't go on with their lives. I have been blessed with wonderful friends, though, that have told me they want to be so sensitive to my hurt right now and they understand that being around babies is very, very difficult for me to do right now. I wish to God this wasn't the case, but unfortunately it is. I know someone that said they couldn't be around teenage kids when their teenage child died. They yearned for that time in their child's life, until it was too unbearable to see other kids acting the way hers would be. I hope that puts it a little more into perspective and doesn't make me sound too totally selfish, because I don't want to be at all.

We had a baby dedication at church a few weeks ago, and it's something that if you ever read my blogs, you probably remember me talking about this, but I wanted so badly to be able to do with Tori. Even though we had already given her to the Lord in our hearts and prayers, we so badly wanted to dedicate her to the Lord with our church family as a testament to her sweet little life and let everyone see what a miracle they had prayed for. The point is that even though it was difficult to be there for, I stayed for the baby dedication and even though that was a hard rest of the day for me, the Lord saw me through it. It wasn't fair, it hurt and I pitched my 2 year old fit that you've heard me talk about before, where me and God had somewhat of a shouting match. He just listened and I eventually got over it and finally humbled myself, but I'm not going to lie, it was rough. SO, I ask for another prayer about strength for me this Mother's Day as I see all the babies and big bellies. I am happy for them all and never in a million years want them to experience what I have experienced, but I also wanted that for me and my family. I hope that is understandable. Your prayers for tomorrow and this weekend are appreciated in advance.