Being shocked when I say, "I can't believe tomorrow is December 1st," is an understatement. It's hard for me to believe that spring has come and gone, as well as the hot summer, fall is quickly ending, and winter is here to stay. I've been getting in the Christmas spirit and anticipating the holidays for a couple of weeks now, but saying December 1st is tomorrow is like...WOW...it's really here! It will be tax time before you know it and 2008 will be a thing of the past.
In 3 short months (almost to the day) it will be a year that my sweet Tori has been gone. While a year may sound like a long time to some, in my life it hasn't been. Living with the memory of Tori and the effect her loss has had on me and my family has constantly made it seem like just a few months ago. When the truth is, a few months have turned into several months, and several months have turned into nearly a year. I can't believe it.
We finally took her crib down this last week and put a bed in its place. I needed a place for company to be able to sleep other than an air mattress or the couch, so her crib is now "in the past." It was sad to be taking the sheets, bedding, etc down, knowing it hadn't been touched since the day I set it all up anticipating her arrival soon. That day has come and gone, and now she has, too. I miss her so much. I wonder what she would be like this Christmas. Her original due date was December 11th, and then the 8th. So she should ultimately be turning a year old this month if all had gone right. I know it went "right" according to God's plan, but my plans weren't the same as His unfortunately.
I'm not really quite sure what the point of this post was other than I was thinking about "time," how quickly life really does pass us by and how it seems like no time ago we were at Vanderbilt with her for days and weeks on end. Last Christmas, we were living out of the Ronald McDonald house. Last Christmas, our only tree was a tiny one my friend bought for Tori's first Christmas. Last Christmas, we weren't sure if she would make it another day.
December 12, 2007 is a day I'll never forget. It was the day of her major surgery when they didn't plan for her to live for more than a few hours afterwards. She was tough and sure showed them, though. She lost so much blood that day and was so critical. I know it was the Lord that sustained her, but often times Josh and I have asked ourselves, "Why didn't he just take her then? Why did she continue to suffer and hurt only to have this kind of outcome? Did we do the right thing pushing her for various surgeries and procedures? We were only trying to give her every chance possible. Did it hurt her more than help her, though?"
To be honest, those are not questions I have voiced out loud a lot of times. I have accepted the sovereign plan of God and known all the answers to those questions truly aren't most important. However, as a parent that loved my child more than anything, I still wonder. I am HUMAN. I am at PEACE with her passing, but because my mind can't comprehend His ways (His thoughts are Higher than my thoughts; His ways higher than my ways), it's still a question that seems to linger sometimes.
Please pray for those who have lost their children, their loved ones, and even friends this past year. This will be our first Christmas without Tori since she came into our lives, so knowing how difficult it is for us, I can only imagine how it is for others in the same boat. Everyone grieves and reacts differently. My heart truly goes out to those who can't fully enjoy this Christmas season because they don't see much hope or light at the end of the tunnel. As Christians, we have hope and "light at the end of the tunnel," but it can still seem bleak at times, so I understand how they might feel. I hope you have a blessed Christmas season!
6 comments:
Melissa,
I remember those times with you in Vanderbilt in December. I know how hard it was for you guys to make the decisions you made, but I was there to see you all seeking God's guidance. Never let yourself think that you made a poor choice. You made all of your choices for you precious Tori, none for your selfishness.
If I remember that surgery, it was when God revealed the clean liver. He was so present in that moment that I can truly say I felt the Holy Spirit right there in that hospital room.
Though you will probably question yourself through the years to come, remember all those times of falling on your face before Our God and pleading for wisdom. He never left you without that wisdom then and He won't now. Continue to fall on your face asking for His wisdom and guidance in all the decisions you still have to make.
I can't begin to imagine the struggle to take down Tori's crib. In my eyes, you were brave a year ago in that hospital and you are still brave today facing all you still have to face. I will be praying for you all and hope your Christmas this year is your best ever!
I love you all!!
Julie
"All things work together for good for those who love the Lord"
Great words but sometimes hard to make them apply when our hearts are broken and hurt.
Just know that you did what you thought was right and after spending what I'm sure was many hours in prayer.
Thinking of you and your sweet family during the holidays.
Melissa,
I know exactly how you feel. This weekend I put up my Christmas decorations and all I could think about was last December at Vanderbilt and how I had decorated Brady's room. I have his blanket that said baby's first Christmas and his picture with Santa. I still remember how the nurse got him all cleaned up and we decorated his crib for his picture with Santa and put the cutest little hat on him. I just can't believe that has all been a year ago and he is gone. I remember seeing you and Josh in the halls and in the cafeteria and the Christmas socks that you brought to Brady's room. I also have questioned the decisions we made about Brady's care and if we should have gone through with his third surgery. But I know at the end of the day we just wanted our babies to have every chance possible and I think we gave them that. It is so hard when different doctors tell you differnt things every day. I can only hope that through his suffering that Brady felt our love. I think he did. I think on their good days Brady and Tori both felt the love of their families who were there for them every day. I remember we bought Tori an Elmo from Brady for Christmas. Although that was their one and only Christmas here on Earth, I take comfort in the fact that they are true angels now and maybe they are playing together this Christmas free from all of their pain and wires and ventilators. But we are still here and we still hurt and I know just how you feel and in March when it has been a year I will be right there with you too. God Bless you and your family this Christmas.
Kayce
After reading your comments and talking to my mom this morning about how I felt, some good wisdom has been shared with me from you all and I wanted to share it back with you.
Yes, the surgery on the 12th was to remove the cysts and when we got the liver biopsy as well. That was the day we were told her liver was no longer covered with all the spots. It was truly a miracle! Seeing those before and after pictures of her liver first hand and being able to tell so many about it, I truly believe showed the power of God through prayer.
A good point my mom made was yes, we did decide to go forward with the surgeries and procedures because there was ALWAYS hope and a possible positive outcome if we did. The doctors were never completely hopeless at that point. There may have been some that thought to themselves it was not going to help, but they always said there IS a chance she could get better.
The point my mom made is that we never selfishly agreed to any surgery or procedure. We only chose to go forward with these if we were told she could get better if we do this, and so we gave her every chance to get better and survive. A parent, especially a mother, wanting to do all she can for her baby is not selfish. I would give my life for Savannah in a heartbeat. This was the same compassion and selflessness I felt for Tori.
The selfish thing would've been if the doctors continuously told us "There's no hope. She will never get better." and yet we continued on with unneccessary surgeries. Prayer for healing is always the first option, but medical knowledge is right behind it. God has given these doctors the wisdom to help us in these types of situations...which is what they did on March 7, 2008.
The UNselfish thing we did was listen to what they told us in a care conference with all our family, nurses, doctors and specialists and decide to take her off the ventilator in 2 days because they told us they did not have anymore hope for her getting better. I will never forget the moment I heard Dr. Shenai say, "we believe she is terminally ill and there is nothing else we can do." My heart sank. I had come into that meeting thinking we would have a plan to go forward and yet the opposite was what I heard.
At that moment, I broke down with everyone's eyes on me and I'll never forget what I said when they asked what I thought I wanted to do. I said, "My faith plays a major part in this decision and I don't want to make the choice to take her off the ventilator myself. I just want that to be God's decision!" My family assured me that I wouldn't be making the wrong decision based upon all we had done for her and what we were now being told. I then agreed to take her off in 2 days.
But, God knew my heart and heard my selfless plea and granted another miracle I really do believe. The next morning, after giving me some quality snuggle time in the bed with her, he took her so I didn't have to make the choice. Her heart slowed, which it had not done like this before and I was able to hold her in my arms as she took her last breath. I didn't have to make the decision after all. I had been beating myself up all night, unable to sleep, worrying about making that decision myself. I'm SO glad I didn't have to. He came through once again. I praised Him even in that moment.
Julie, you were there with us through a lot of that time period. You brought Tori her tree and really were a great prayer warrior, advice giver :) and friend. I can never say thank you enough.
Kayce, I remember so vividly the Christmas socks and the Elmo. I KNOW our babies are enjoying the best Christmas ever together this year! I do hope they knew how much we loved them and did everything we could for them. You said it all so well.
Another point my mom made, and I've said it before but it's worth repeating, if God would've taken Tori in December vs. March, there would have been a lot less people who were impacted, had a better prayer life, were touched or even saved through what God was doing then. Selfishly, as Steven Curtis Chapman's wife had said, that doesn't truly make it all okay. I'd still rather have my daughter then all those people impacted. The truth is, though, I know where she is...and I have the comfort of knowing I will be with her again as well as two people that I know of that were saved because of her testimony.
Another bright side, yet bittersweet part, I wouldn't have all the memories I do if God would've taken her earlier on. For Savannah to see a baby's fingers last week and think of her sister at that moment, it made my heart smile as well as cry. I wouldn't have all the memories I have of her if it would've been any other way. I am SO thankful for that.
I just told Josh this weekend, the quote "Better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all" means so much to me. I never really liked it before because that meant you hurt and felt pain over that love, so what good is that? Well, I can tell you what good it is...her name was Victoria Leigh Wilhoit.
I'll be thinking of you all throughout the Christmas season.
melissa, my heart aches for you so much! you are so strong going through all this. i agree with everyone else that the choices you made were never selfish. i am praying for you and your family that your pain can be eased throughout this christmas.
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