Morning of Reflection

Well, life is "different." That's all I can say. We have gotten through the first year and 4 months since Tori's death, changed and just different, but life is finally starting to feel somewhat "normal" again. It's taken this long, and I really feel like for me personally that it's gotten somewhat better because of my "job" (it's so much more than a job, though) and all of the relationships and blessings it's brought into my life.

I told you all awhile back that I started selling Premier jewelry back in March. To be exact, I started the week of Tori's one year anniversary of her death. I needed a second, part time income and that is why I initially started. But the relationships I've built through it (it's a Christian based company and has offered so much more than jewelry) have been life changing. It has helped boost my self confidence, my feelings of self worth & work through my feelings of grief (give me happiness & purpose as a person) believe it or not. It may sound crazy, but it's true.

Like I said, it's SO much more than selling jewelry. It's about the relationships I've built, like the girl I signed up named Victoria, "Tori," the week of Mother's Day. I honestly believe that was a small blessing the Lord gave at that time because I truly needed a pick me up, and it helped console me the week of Mother's Day to be honest. Some people thought it might have been difficult or that it was even just a coincidence, but it was almost like a confirmation to me of some kind....that Tori will always be "alive" to me, and that her memory will always be special and "live on" through others. My "new" Tori will always be special to me, I know, not just because of her name, but because she has the sweetest personality and has ended up encouraging ME many times when I'm supposed to be the one encouraging her!! :) Needless to say, I've met and been able to minister to and encourage (and be encouraged) so much during these past 5 months. My husband has even commented how much happier and self worth I feel from this experience. I KNOW that the Lord brough this into my friend's life when He did and then later into mine for this reason. Otherwise, I may still be trying to get through each day trying to smile, find something to be REALLY happy about (and I mean more than just a smile or laugh...I mean lasting feeling of importance). My Savior and my family are plenty enough reason to have full joy, but you know what I mean by needing something just for "you," that daily will give you that self worth...or else you could just shrivel up and die. Maybe you don't know what I mean, and grief of losing a child just makes you feel that way. Either way, it's not been perfect, but much more bearable and happier than it has in a loooooong time (2 years to be exact).

It's hard to believe that 2 years ago, I was still pregnant with Tori at this time. I remember that summer vividly. Our air went out when I was almost 6 months and it was mid July to August, so I remember it vividly :) If you've ever been pregnant in the summertime, you know what I mean!! :) I quit work full time in July that year to stay home with my babies in a few months. Little did I know, that only 2 months after quitting work, my life would be changed forever. From the day I went into the hospital in September and they said you won't be leaving here until you have this baby, I knew I was changed forever. I knew that it wouldn't be weeks or months that i would be there, either. I knew how sick I was, and I couldn't feel that way for too long...it was too serious. I was there for a week before I got too sick and she was born. NICU life began and we were never the same.

Honestly, if she wouldn't have been born early and all would have been perfectly normal, I probably would've taken it all for granted and brought home another healthy baby and went on with my selfish life, not appreciating or considering all I have over the past 2 years. It's scary the big things that God can use to get our attention, but if we are reliant on Him and willing to be changed and molded, He blesses us beyond imagination. I would ultimately want her here, but the impact her life has made on me and many others, is worth it. yes, worth it.

I have been having major baby fever lately to be honest. But we have SO much medical debt and cemetery bills (we went ahead and bought plots beside her) and we've got to alleviate some of that before I even think of having another baby. We want to be smart about it and not strap ourselves. It's almost not fair (by the world's standards) to have to pay for things and not have a baby here to show for it. Ultimately, though, i know the Lord won't put anything on us we can't handle (and that includes financially) and He has provided and blessed us thus far, so I know He will continue to in some way (it may not be some supernatural rescue like I've been telling my husband), but eventually we will pay it all off. There's also the health risks for myself and my baby I worry about now, which is only normal, but I don't want fear to be the reason I choose to not have baby if the doctors have given us the okay and can have another. Just pray for us in this area if you feel led. For us to be able to alleviate this medical debt (which is why I started Premier) and to have peace about having another child if and when we are supposed to.

Thanks for "listening"....reflecting and looking back and thinking about things can be helpful sometimes somehow. I have seen the Lord take my pain and use it for His glory many times already. I know somehow He wants to continue to use this experience and this precious baby's life that was formed and developed in my womb with no surprise to her Creator. I know He knew what He was doing and I don't question it any longer. I thank Him for the GIFT of this precious baby and the 6 months I had with her, and will never regret any of it. I'm glad you all got the chance to "know" her just a little, too. :)

Oh, to Think Simple Again...

So my hubby and I joined a local gym where they have childcare, and all 3 of us love going together now! On our way home the other day, we had the AC on, but we were all sweaty & stinky anyway, so I thought why not roll down the windows since it wasn't raining? Savannah LOVES the windows being down (except at times when she's a dramatic girly girl...I don't know WHO she gets that from...LOL...and says the wind is messing up her hair! :) hehe). On this afternoon, though, she LOVED it. She put her hand out in the wind and made a "surfing," up and down motion into the wind with her hand as she danced along with the music on the radio.

The hubby and I had been talking about LIFE...finances and other "stressful" things that were on our mind. As we were done discussing and it was quiet except for the radio, I looked in the side mirror where I could see Savannah with a smile on her face, hand out the window, looking up at the sky. She stared for awhile and then said, "Momma, the sky is so beautiful today." It was at that moment that I looked up at the sky, and it was indeed such a beautiful day. The sky was a bright, pretty blue, and the clouds looked like puffy cotton balls floating around so gracefully. It was one of those afternoons where you would definitely have heard the birds singing all their happy songs and it wasn't too hot to enjoy...it was perfect. I replied after soaking in what she had been thinking, "Why yes it is, baby." I turned to my husband light hearted after just having such a deep, serious discussion and said, "If we could only think that simple again. You don't need any amount of money in the world to just look up, notice and enjoy such a beautiful sky." He agreed instantly, realizing the point I was making, and turned back to smile at her.

I don't know why her pointing out this simple, yet profound, fact was so important to me, but I hope I never forget that moment. Too many times in life, I don't take time to "smell the roses," but I bet my 3 year old would. I don't slow down & enjoy all that life presents me with everyday. I think about all the potential blessings I've probably missed by being in such a hurry and only thinking about all the "important things" like finances, etc. What about even being more concerned with someone else instead of myself? I would probably see the beauty in a lot more people and situations.

I'm so glad my 3 year old helps keep me grounded, humble, and positive. It was at that moment that I put my hand out the window, making the same surfing, up and down motion into the wind along with my daughter and sang along to the song with her. It definitely WAS a beautiful day...with the perfect sky. I want to take the time to look up more often and notice it, rather than looking down, preoccupied with everything else, too busy to notice. When is the last time you "looked at the beautiful sky?"

2 months

Well, it's been almost 2 months since i last posted! I've gone from posting daily, to every few days, to weekly, then monthly, and now 2 months...what's the deal?! Well, i'm glad you asked...so let me just tell you. :)

Well, it was the end of March when I last posted so after that, I was so busy in April with my new business, Premier Designs Jewelry, and it definitely showed, because that is my best month so far! I seemed to be on the go in April non stop. Easter also contributed to the busy times as I'm sure it did for everyone. Then came May and Mother's Day. I started to post around mother's Day, but it was a really bad week for me leading up to it, so I decided against posting because I was so emotional and it would have probably been this deep, dark post that I've done many times before, I'm sure. I know, I know, some people may say THAT'S when you need to write the most, and get your feelings out, but to be honest, that was the first time in a long time that I felt better to actually NOT get out everything I was feeling. You never know how you're going to feel with grief...even a year later after a death. Some days you're totally okay about talking about it all, and then others you're not even in the mood to think about it. It's an undescribable thing for sure.

One way that I was able to help deal with my grief more effectively is by attending a "Time for Remembering" ceremony today in honor of Tori and many other children who died last year at Vanderbilt's Children Hospital. We went to Nashville today for this ceremony and planted flowers in memory of the child we were there "remembering." There were a few names and families I knew and recognized, that had passed away before, after, or around the same time as Tori had. They were children all the way from babies like Tori, to pre teens, like Matthew Litchfield. I am sure next year they will invite Caleb Gill's family, the one I had asked you to pray for, because he passed away 9 months after his diagnosis last August. He was there in the Ronald McDonald house for awhile, which we went by today to drop off some pop tops off cans, and it was weeeeeeird. Felt like I had never left in a way. It was the same at the hospital....

Josh and I both were pretty silent a lot of the time, we didn't know how we would react or respond when we had planned to go. We hadn't been back to the hospital since the day she passed away, and it was like a lump in my throat a lot of the day until after the ceremony. We walked around the hospital and looked at everything, still the same as the day we left. It was Sunday, so I knew it wouldn't be near as crowded as it is during the week, so we walked and went to all the places we used to on a daily basis just for reminiscing sake. Savannah remembered where we were after we told her where we were walking into. She remembered riding in a wagon around the hospital, going in and kissing Tori in her bed, watching the train, and lots of other things. After being there for as long as we were, it was our home away from home for awhile so we felt right back at "Home" so to speak. The only difference was, she wasn't there.

The fact that she wasn't there kept coming to mind. When we pulled up to the place where we loaded our car with all of her many stuffed animals, clothes, blankets, cards, etc that last day when she died, I could see it all so clearly again. I wished at that moment that I could rewind time to that snowy morning and not see her heart start to slow and her breaths become slower and longer as she lay in my arms. But, that wouldn't have brought a lot of the things that the Lord has brought into my life, although i can't say that I didn't think that, even for a split second.

During the ceremony, when the chief of pediatrics spoke, he said several things that hit home to me. He talked about how he believed it took great courage for everyone to come back to this place today....this place where you saw your child take his or her's last breath, that you said your final goodbyes to, and left this place without your child going home with you...something you never thought you'd have to do. That was the truth, though...it did take great courage. My parents met us there later before the ceremony started, but all day i had already been thinking about how we all almost didn't come. We all thought it would be too much. We thought of how WE would feel. But i remember telling my mom that it wasn't right for us to not honor Tori's life by not going because of how WE would feel. Imagine if you died and no one wanted to go to a memorial ceremony and plant flowers in your memory all because of how bad or inconvenient it may be for them to feel that way for the day. I said, no, we're not going to not go. We're doing this for HER, no matter how difficult it may be. Then when he talked about that, i was like, yeah, that's exactly how we all felt...scared to come for all those reasons he mentioned.

He talked about a lot of other things, and there was a song, and special responsive litany we read aloud, all of the names were announced and i just cried when they read "Victoria Leigh Wilhoit" because I was so proud to hear my baby's name out loud over a speaker in an auditorium because it meant she had a name, a purpose, a life that touched myself and many others. She had been REAL, not something i just got upset about and cried over as a figment of my imagination. She was being honored in front of all those families, as were their babies to all of us. It was just a great time.

We then planted flowers in the Children's Garden at the hospital. It was sweet and beautiful to see everyone planting flowers in memory of their child. A note in the program talked about why do we plant flowers if they're only going to die in the winter? It went on to explain that it was the same as our child's lives...short, but meaningful, so we should plant them and let them bring beauty to others during their short time here, just as our children brought joy and beauty to ours and others lives while they were here. WOW.

So, it was a bittersweet but great day. One that I will treasure forever. I'm so appreciative to Vanderbilt for doing this for families as they continue to grieve the loss of their children. I know it meant a lot to so many other families as well.

I will try not to be so long about posting again, but need to go for now. Thanks for taking the time to "catch up" and read my blog. Hope you all are doing well. if you have a facebook and we're not friends, I check that and my email everyday if you'd like to stay in touch even when I'm not blogging. Talk to you all soon....

Heartbreaking Moments

It's moments like last night when Tori's death is hard. Josh went into Tori's room (it is still set up as her room except for our full size bed now) and saw Savannah standing there still looking at all of Tori's pictures in the frames. Josh startled her because she was in deep thought looking at them when he asked what she was doing. I promise with every fiber of my being, this is what this precious baby said: "I want Tori here. Can we go to the hospital and get her?" And before Josh could answer, it was like it hit her that she knew that wasn't right...because then she said, "No, she isn't there, is she? She's in heaven." Her daddy agreed and told her yes, she was indeed in Heaven with Jesus. She then asked if we could fly on birds and go to Heaven, too. How do you explain this to a 3 year old? I've tried many times, and told her that because Jesus died on the cross for us, we can go to heaven one day and see her again. She then went on to tell me that time that she wanted to die on a cross, too, so she could go to Heaven. I told her she didn't have to do that, that Jesus did it for us. So confusing to her and I don't try to make her fully comprehend just now, but it hurts me as her and Tori's mother because she doesn't understand. Later on last night, she asked me if she could have another baby sister. WOW.

So, my heart is left in shambles when I think on all this childlike innocence and how bittersweet her longing for Tori is, how she still remembers her and so many details, and how she longs for that sisterly companion, too. I praise the Lord for not letting my heart stay in this broken place all the time. He gives me so much joy to outweigh the sad times like this. Because trust me, there's plenty sad times when I don't expect them. For instance, this song I heard on the radio yesterday as we were traveling home from out of town. I was just numb after hearing it. It's called "Sissy's Song."


Why did she have to go
So young I just don't know why
Things happen half the time
Without reason without rhyme
Lovely, sweet young woman
(could've been a) Daughter, wife and mother
Makes no sense to me
I just have to believe

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me

Loved ones she left behind
Just trying to survive
And understand the why
Feeling so lost inside
Anger shot straight at God
Then asking for His love
Empty with disbelief
Just hoping that maybe

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me

It's hard to say goodbye
Her picture in my mind
Will always be of times I'll cherish
And I won't cry 'cause

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me
Don't worry 'bout me
Don`t worry 'bout me

Spirit Filled

Yesterday's sermon was on living a spirit filled life and being a spiritually minded Christian! What do you think it means to be spirit filled and how should it guide our everyday walk through this earthly life? We talked about the fruits of the Spirit that would be evident if we are living the spirit filled life ("they will know you by your fruits...") and I must admit that some of the fruits are very hard for me to constantly show in my own life....

LOVE- do I show LOVE when someone cuts me off on the highway and I yell at them how stupid they are?? do I show LOVE when I bite my husband's head off on the way to church and then act like nothing's wrong when I greet others at church?? do I show LOVE when I am offended or hurt by someone and instead of "loving" them as Jesus would, I hold resentment and bitterness towards them in my heart?? NO ONE would know I was a Christian if they saw this as the fruit I constantly was bearing from my tree.

JOY- this has been a tough one for me in the past. I have battled with depression for several years, and Satan always seems to come through and try to steal my joy at just the right time. But REAL JOY, the JOY from the LORD, not from any earthly high, would be evident despite our circumstances that may have us feeling otherwise. Now I'm not saying you're not allowed to have a bad day, a bad attitude, a sad mood, or anything like that...but is your fruit showing that you are a pleasant, happy person or a sad, down in the dumps person where circumstances steal your joy from day to day? We can CHOOSE to have joy- after all, we have been Redeemed by our Creator Himself....what more could you need to have lasting joy??

PEACE- do you have peace when you're worrying about your finances?? Do you have peace when you are sitting at home worrying about your child or spouse...wondering what they're doing and putting all your hope, faith and trust in them instead of the Lord Almighty?? Something to think about. Only HE can give TRUE peace when our world is falling apart in the world's eyes.

PATIENCE- I mess up at this one everyday. When I am so quick to get angry with my 3 year old, I am reminded that I am NOT having the patience that I want the Lord to have with me! God forbid I be so hard on and unforgiving with others when I expect the Lord to be SO patient with me and unconditionally loving and forgiving!

KINDNESS- Do we just smile fakely at others and say hello or are we really KIND? Are we generous or do we hoard up our earthly possessions wanting to share them with no one? Do we think we're better than other people because they look, smell or act different than us? All people are looking for is to know someone cares about them. They want to be LOVED, and it is our job, as His church, to "Be the Church" to these people and show JESUS' KINDNESS to them...even when we don't feel like it or really want to.

GOODNESS- this kind of ties in with the kindness I think. Do we show HIS goodness to those around us? Or are we back biting, mean spirited, and revenge seeking? We should be filled with His Goodness and let it consume our thoughts and hearts! If we were driven by being in His image, we would have a total mind transformation!

FAITHFULNESS- The Lord is SO faithful to us....are we faithful to Him and others? Do we stay committed or can we not be counted on? I have been horrible about keeping promises in the past, so I'm so thankful that the Lord remains faithful to me in His love for me even when I haven't returned the same thing! He promises us SO many things in His word, and He says it won't return void, so we can count on Him for everything we need....can we be counted on???

GENTLENESS- this lines up with patience for me. I need to be gentle in my words, my actions, and let others know that I am not quick to speak but want to be gentle and not harsh. Jesus was point blank a lot of the time, but He has commanded us to love others as He loves us, so that must mean He wants us to be GENTLE as He is SO gentle with us! He does show His wrath and justice, but He is also a just God and rightfully so...we have NO right to carry out His justice....He promises in His word that justice will be His.

SELF CONTROL- Do we have self control when we eat? Do we have self control when we're watching something on TV? Do we have self control when we're surfing the internet? Everyone has different temptations and weaknesses that we MUST ask the Lord to help us have self control over....we CANNOT do it on our OWN!!!!

So, these were all things I thought of when discussing the fruits of the Spirit. If I were to do a survey of my own life, or better yet a complete stranger do one of the fruits that are evident in my life, would there be enough fruit to convict me of being spirit filled??? Spiritually minded??? or self minded??? Do a survey for yourself and reflect on it and pray to God asking for His help in these areas of your life as I had to. I have found that when I am committed to loving Him and following Him more than other things, I am more "spiritually aware" of having these fruits in my life and making them apart of my "spiritual DNA." I want my make up to be in His image, so I will continue to strive daily (although I'll never be perfect) to constantly learn about, change and grow closer to Him....hence having much more of these fruits growing on my tree.

I Consider It Pure Joy

James 1:2-4 says:

"My brothers, consider it pure joy when you face trials of many kinds, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience (perseverance). But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing."

Are you JOYFUL about it when you are facing a trial?? Probably not. I can honestly say that I was NOT when Tori was so sick...I just wanted her to get better, to grow and mature, and come home with her mommy and daddy, case closed. I can honestly tell you that I wasn't even joyful with the aftermath I was left with after her death. If I told you all the ways Satan has tried to attack me and my family behind the scenes since her death, you might ask how did I not give up! I have accepted the Lord's perfect will and know He has a plan for it all, but I haven't always been able to say that I consider it pure JOY as I was going through it.....

Now, on the flip side of it, I can honestly say I consider it pure JOY (let me explain before you think I'm claiming to have it all together)! Is everything perfect and peachy keen in my life now? NO...Not by a long shot! What I'm saying is that I see now that everything that happened with Tori, this whole experience of losing a child, experiencing the grief and heartache afterwards that has taken a toll on my marriage, my friendships, etc., has taught me SO much and for that I am THANKFUL! I am even JOYFUL about it! I never in a million years thought I'd hear myself say that!

The testing truly has helped produce perseverance in my life (I love when His promises are revealed as evident TRUTH in our lives)! Now, I still continue to fail miserably and have to ask God daily to help remind me of all this (because I'll never be perfect on this earth), but I can truly say this all has helped and grown me in one way or another. I used to think I had it all together, just pleasing myself and doing whatever I felt like. Now, I find myself trying to saturate my thoughts to be in alignment with His. I think about what the Lord would want, not my own fleshly, selfish desires. That mindset has helped me in so many different areas! It's amazing to me that it all started with a baby born prematurely, that people started praying for her little life, that she got sick and died, and now the whole experience is still continuing to impact her mother's life and teach very valuable lessons!

If the Lord wanted me to come away from this desiring to have what HE wants for my life more than what I want, it was worth it. There is more joy because I choose to make the desires of my heart what He wants, instead of what I choose for myself. I know He is glorified and lifted up when each of us lay our own desires down at His feet and willingly we say, "Lord, YOUR will be done." I have never thought the Lord's Prayer is as meaningful as it is now....

"Our Father, who art in heaven,
hallowed be your name.
Your Kingdom come,
YOUR will be done,
on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us today our daily bread.
Forgive us our sins,
as we forgive those who sin against us.
Lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.
For the kingdom, the power and the glory are yours.
Forever and ever. Amen."

**I would just like to put a disclaimer and say in no way, form or fashion am I saying that I am "holier than thou," I just like to reflect and look back on what the Lord has taught me and am SO thankful for it until it gets me excited!! As a mother or father, I would hope you could understand that if your child's life was ended, you wouldn't want it to be in vain and you would want to spend the rest of your life honoring him/her and make it worthwhile!!

**Also, if I ultimately had the choice, I would want Victoria Leigh here with me of course, you all know that. When I see others with their babies and don't realize how lucky they are, I just want to tell them. I hope they know it, but I want to tell them nonetheless. I don't expect anyone to feel sorry for or have a pity party for me, but I so desperately want them to know and understand the undescribable pain and gut wrenching grief I've felt and how blessed they are to not have ever felt that!! SO, if you have a baby boy or girl, be so appreciative for the blessing the Lord has given you...as I am for Savannah...I tell her all the time how thankful I am for her...she will probably get tired of hearing it by the time she's 16...lol....

It's Here...One Whole Year

Well, I don't know that I really have any profound words to say, or anything very inspiring; I'm just "here," hanging out in this place they call grieving. It has been a year today since Tori died, almost down to the minute...it was 6:55 a.m. when she died and it's a little after 7 a.m. as I write this. Lot's of different thoughts run through my mind on this bittersweet morning.....

The first thought actually is "Blessed Be the Name of the Lord!" That is the honest to God truth. I don't say that to be some spiritual heroin. Everytime we have sang that song in church or I've listened to it in my car, I have always thought that is what I will still CHOOSE to say, despite the "desert place" I had to walk through at such a young age in life. All we are put here for is to give Him the glory He so rightfully deserves and to have a relationship with Him. I sometimes stink at diligently and daily studying His word and pursuing that relationship like I should, something I'm very convicted about and want to do better at and MAKE TIME FOR HIM just like I do other things in my life. I honestly want to give Him all the glory, though, having no pride or haughtiness on my own selfish, fleshly pleasure. So anything you read or see in me, is simply a work of God. I am NOT a perfect person, don't claim to be. Just a sinner saved by grace, and I'm asking Him to mold and change me every step of the way. I will CHOOSE to say BLESSED BE THE NAME OF THE LORD because it COULD be really easy to be upset, disappointed in and angry with God, but I know His plans and thoughts are higher than mine, therefore I will accept them. I will not argue or question them, for He knows the number of hairs on my head...who else could possibly have such wisdom?? No one. So, I will continue to lean on Him, trust in Him, strive to walk daily with Him and finish the race that I've started!!

The second thought is how grateful I am for what all the Lord has taught me over the past year, and for all of the people He has brought into my life during that time as well. Satan literally has tried to steal my joy, kill my marriage, and destroy my faith over the past year. He meant SO much bad over the past year since Tori's last breath in my arms, but the Lord has turned it around for so much good. Slowly but surely, I see things that were SO bad that have started to come around in a different direction. I have recently been convicted about praying for my husband and daughter like I should be, and am adamant about committing to praying for them like I should. I have been so fearful of death since Tori died, and am going to HAVE to daily give that to God if I expect to receive peace over it.

Someone asked me just yesterday did I think the one year anniversary of her death is harder than the holidays were? I replied yes. The reason is because in my mind I think about the fact that it has been one whole year since I last held her, kissed her, touched her hand, saw her breathe, and had her right there in front of me. She was "real." She was alive. Still here and able for me to be with her. Today marks one year since I've been able to do any of those things and it hurts. I don't want to forget that freshness of seeing her on that last day, of taking her out in the snow in Nashville and what it was like to hold her for the last time. (BTW- I thought it was so ironic that it snowed here a week before her death last year when it snowed then, too.)

Back to the being thankful for people the Lord has placed in my life.....I received flowers from one my blogger friends on Friday....white roses....they are beautiful. She took the time out of her busy schedule and spent her money on flowers to reach out and encourage someone she had never even met. I thought that was so incredibly compassionate of her and very encouraging to me to know someone cares about me and hasn't forgotten my baby's life and the raw pain I feel because of her death. We also received the sweetest card from another friend who has followed Tori's story since caringbridge....she is such an encouragement and has been every step of the way. The Lord knew I needed her and her gift of encouragement in my life. I also correspond through email with Baby Reed's mom through email and look forward to meeting her in a couple of weeks. Her due date with him would've been Friday, so please pray for her. Despite that, she wrote me to encourage ME. After receiving these things from these ladies, I just thanked the Lord for all the people and friends He has brought into my life and His provisions along the way!

There's so much I could say about Tori....her beautiful eyes, the way she loved her mobile, how she recognized and followed her mother's voice, and how beautiful she was. I only wish I could've brought her home for even one day and had a chance at real life with her. Away from all the hospitals, nurses, tubes, needles, etc. However, that wasn't God's plan. He used all of those things I mentioned to grow my faith, expand my knowledge of what parents and families go through and made me stronger because of it. I would have NEVER dreamed of being where I am now than where I was before Tori's birth. I was just going through life, being a lukewarm Christian, not really appreciating my salvation like I should or thinking anything in life could ever go really wrong...this wrong....and that I had it all together. WRONG ANSWER. The Lord literally shook me....transformed my faith and restored my vision....set my focus on Him. I may stray and have to be reminded of His faithfulness and goodness from time to time, but I can honestly say for the long haul, my feet are planted in deep and I am walking the rest of the way with Him. I won't look back or waiver to the crooked path....I've already been there and I don't want to go back. Satan, get under my feet!!

If you will, just pray for me, my husband, our marriage, my family, my daughter and all who loved our precious Victoria Leigh Wilhoit. She was truly a gift from God, her name meant Victory, and I truly believe that even in death, she had the Victory through Jesus Christ! I have no doubt where she is, and I know I will see her again one day because of my salvation. I cried and could barely tear myself away from her little coffin at her funeral as they were going to put the top on because I knew that would be the last time I would see her little face on this earth....but the next time I see it, it will be even more beautiful, and she will have a perfect and healthy body. Thank you, God! Blessed Be the Name of the Lord!

Here is a very personal video from about two weeks before Tori died. I was able to lay in the bed with her, and there's no audio on it right now, but she was looking up following my voice as I was talking to her and her oxygen sats stabilized and she was the happiest, calmest when i was laying with her. There is also a snippet of the day Savannah visited at the beginning. Soemthing I'm so thankful to have on video.

Leaving my Baggage Behind

I went on a Ladies Retreat with our church this past weekend and I don't think I'm still fully recovered in the sleep aspect. I only got 3 hours of sleep because I was up running my mouth as usual with some wonderful ladies! It was a great time even with the sleep deprivation! :)

Our focus was on this journey in life...how to PAY ATTENTION as we are going through this journey....do we have packed what we need on our trip....do we have the right passengers with us.....and so on. Of course, all of those had spiritual parallels to how they compared with our journey in life, but the biggest one for me was some of the unneccessary baggage we take through life...much like some of the things I took on the retreat and didn't even use. That was an EXTRA load I had to carry, something I didn't need to bring along.

SO, some of the baggage we talked about was self reliance, loneliness (someone pointed out that her self reliance caused the loneliness...interesting and valid thought), disappointment (in God), and the 2 that I felt God spoke to JUST ME about (although I know there were many others) was WORRY (surely I don't worry??) and Fear....of death.

Worrying and anxiety have ALWAYS been an issue for me. Someone shared that they just have an overly anxious spirit at times, while some just go with the flow and don't really worry at all. I was right there with her....I worry and get anxious about too many things....things out of my control. SO, we were asked to right on our "trash wall" I liked to call it, the stuff we were leaving behind. WORRY was the first one, because I am determined to abide by Proverbs 3:5-6 better and let HIM handle things for me, even in the small things I worry about.

The other was FEAR OF DEATH. You might say, if you're a Christian, you know where you're going so why are you worried? I have never really worried before until Tori died. Death became a harsh reality because of the pain it brings. I'm not worried about dying and where I'll go, I;m worried about my daughter dying, my husband dying, my family and people I love dying, so quickly and suddenly that I would have to hurt and feel that pain even more. I live it in some form day to day when it comes to Tori. Some people may think I should be "over" it in a sense, after all this weekend has been a year. NOT EVEN CLOSE. That precious baby was apart of me, and always will be.

I'm afraid of my own personal death only because I don't want to leave Savannah without a mother. I think of how I feel without a daughter, so how much greater would a girl going through her whole life without a mother be? Some of you may have experienced that and can relate to my thoughts on this. Either way, I have been worrying about death for awhile now as I've heard about some friends and people we knew that have died at a young age, suddenly and how hard it is on the families. Do I not serve a sovereign God who has brought me this far and would see me through any future death or heartache? THAT is what else I had to leave behind. I am determined not to let Satan win and keep me in fear and doubt of me or my family members dying and the pain behind it.

SO, that was the highlight of the retreat for me. Also the fact that a few hispanic ladies were there and when we all stood shoulder to shoulder, holding hands, praying to Abba Father, she prayed out loud in spanish and it was awesome. You could hear the tears in her voice and how sincere she was as she prayed to the same God we served, despite the language barrier. I heard GRACIAS several times so she was constantly THANKING her creator! How awesome. It was humbling to think about God's love for so many different types of people, and how he hears us all when we call on Him, not just Americans or english speaking people.

"Thank you Father, for your love and your guidance! Please continue daily to take my worries, anxieties and fears of death out of my heart and mind and make me pure, focused on you, without anything to cloud my view. I love you Father and want to serve and praise you! Thank you for taking a filthy, dirty, sinful heart like mine and continuing to forgive, make it new and pure. I love you."

It's Been Awhile!

Hello, my long, lost blogging friends! :) So you may have noticed that it's been awhile since I posted. I was posting daily, then every few days, then once a week if I was lucky, and now it is way in between recently. Sorry, but a lot has been going on. Journaling and writing has always been something I enjoy, but I haven't taken the time for it lately so I am catching up today on several things. Bear with me. :)

Well, I almost posted around Valentine's Day. My thoughts were filled with Tori that week and I really was missing her. I thought back to how festive her room was last year for Valentine's Day! We always had things for her for Christmas, New Years, Valentine's, etc. Some friends of mine gave her some Valentine onesie outfits that she wore over and over those few weeks. I will cherish them always. It's weird how things like that you just don't forget about. I remember her getting "valentine's" from our friends, church family and people we didn't even know. We decorated for her to see and I even remember reading them to her one time. Oh, how I would love to look into her eyes one more time and read a Valentine, a book, anything to her!!

Valentine's Day came and went, and I thought about how in the few weeks following valentine's day last year, I never knew they would be my last ones with her. Between February 14th and March 8th, she began to decline slowly but surely. Two weeks before her death, we had some great times with her. Easter came much earlier last year so we bought the girls matching Easter dresses and decided to let them wear them and take their pictures, and boy, am I glad we did. Tori didn't live until Easter, so we would have missed our chance if we would have waited. Now, I have pictures of them dressed up together and I will always cherish those!! I specifically remember Savannah being ill and restless that morning and Josh saying maybe we should just wait, and I said no, let's just go ahead and get them today. That was only one of 3 or 4 times Savannah got to see her baby sister, so I am glad we picked that day to let her do so. It ended up being a day I'll never forget seeing my girls together. Someone had given Tori a book and Savannah "read" it to her that day...so precious and such sisterly love she had for her! :)

In those few weeks following Valentine's Day before her death, I was also able to lay in the bed with Tori as I had never done before, and she was awake and alert and I was laying somewhat behind her because she was turned on her side some and I was talking to her and holding her hand and just loving on her, and she would be looking up at her mother, following my voice, her oxygen stats stabilized, she was so calm on the monitors and we couldn't believe it! She needed that time with her mommy as much as her mommy needed that time with her!! That, too, will be a day with her I will never forget. There are so many "unforgettable days" that were so bad, but raw and real until I "refeel" them each time I recall them in my mind. But there were also very good days with Tori like the two I mentioned above that I will also recall and "refeel" forever. I don't doubt for one moment that God gave me those days during the last few weeks with her as memories to last for a lifetime. Thank you, Lord, for your mercy and your thoughtfulness...I truly know you are always looking out for good on my behalf. For example....

Back in October, I had a friend who started selling Premier Jewelry. When she told me about it, I was REALLY interested and wanted to do it "now." I went to some meetings with her, talked with some other "Premier ladies" and thought it was a GREAT opportunity. However, my husband was not on board at the time, it didn't work out for us financially at the time, and I was SO discouraged. Several of the Premier ladies told me to pray about it, wait for God's timing and see what happens. Do we EVER want to WAIT on something?? I don't know about you, but I don't. I wanted it then, only saw the benefits, it was something I would enjoy, something I thought I could do well and there was no reason not to...in my mind.

Little did I know in the months to follow that initial introduction to Premier, that God would definitely work yet another thing out for my good and in HIS timing. I saw how well my friend did with Premier and at times, I would get frustrated and say to God (like my 3 year old does while throwing a temper tantrum), "It's NOT FAIR!" He would then humble me and even made me realize that I was actually coveting something because I was desiring it so badly for myself against His will. I didn't understand why my husband couldn't be on board, after all, it was working out so well for these other ladies and their husbands were behind them all the way. Yep, I was coveting. I confessed that to God and asked Him to change my view on it all. I even put it out of my mind after awhile because I didn't want to be wrongly desiring something God obviously hadn't brought to fruition in my life. I was reminded over and over that I want GOD'S will for my life...that surrendering my own desires is what I had been trying to do for some time, so why not do it with this, too?? So, I started to put my words into practice.

Let me just tell you, it was the most awesome joy and worth the waiting when my husband CAME TO ME last week and said "If you would like to do premier and think you can do a good job at it, I want you to do it." If you just knew my husband and how skeptical he was at the beginning, you would be as floored as I was. When I called to tell my friend, she couldn't even understand what I was saying I was so ecstatic. I had prayed and told God that if He ever DID want me to do it, I wanted Josh to be 100% behind it. Only the Lord changed His mind and gave me this affirmation about it because of my specific request for this. I did NOT want it to be something that I begged Josh to let me invest my time and money in and him resent me later for it. I wanted it to be a team effort and something he would be behind me on. "Thank you, Lord, for reminding me of what it really means to surrender and wait on You. I don't know why I tend to doubt your plan and desires for my life, but I need to realize, if even through a waiting period, that this is more important than what I want at the time. Thank you for working once again!"

I also love the timing that the Lord brings for another reason....this time of year I have been challenged spiritually to succumb and give into the depression that my daughter is really gone. I'm just being honest. Why anniversaries and holidays are always hard, I don't know, but they are. I now understand why they say the holidays are the hardest time of the year although I wasn't able to before losing her. I don't doubt that God has given me this opportunity at this time of the year to help keep me joyful, keep me busy, and counteract the negative thoughts with positive ones. I still feel sad, lonely and tiresome about it all sometimes, but this opportunity to become an Independent Distributor for Premier Jewelry has kept me busy and on my toes (another reason I haven't had a lot of time to post).

SO, my request is that you would pray for me as I begin this endeavor that I can honestly say that I prayed about, waited to hear specifically from God through my husband (who was 110% against me doing it 6 months ago) and now it is financially a better option for us and a much sweeter reward than it would have been had I done it MY way back then. If you'd like more information on the Premier incentives (either to become a jeweler yourself or to earn some FREE jewelry...I earned $350 in free jewelry when I hosted a party for my friend and only paid tax and shipping...please contact me and I'd be glad to talk with you!) Thank you, friends, and sorry for such a lengthy post!!

Reminding Me of His Goodness

I tend to have moments where the reality hits me of what I've lost....a daughter, a sister to my firstborn, a lifelong friendship with my child, and lots of future memories that could have been. It really hits me hard at those times and I get discouraged. Last night was one of those times.

I envisioned my daughter's laying in bed together (as me and my sister often did) reading books together, giggling and squealing in such sisterly fun and oh, even the sister squabbles..."She's touching me! She's looking at me!" and so on and so on. All those different moments run wild in my mind sometimes and it makes me tear up which usually leads to a good 'ole cry and then you just feel defeated. However, I woke up this morning and felt better after a good night's rest and also after praying briefly last night, telling the Lord that I KNOW He has something better in store because He KNOWS how much this hurts me....how much of a lifetime of pain and void that will be there....how this has hurt my husband, too, and I just want to heal his heart as well, but it will be worth it because I know He will work it all together for my good, but oh, how it would be nice to feel some uplifting from it all right about now!

So, today I read THREE emails I had received from a few high school and childhood friends asking about Tori, sharing how they had found my blog, and were blessed by her story and my faith. It was the perfect medicine to all I had been feeling the night before. WOW, how good God is to remind me of his GOODNESS. It wasn't even in all they said, but in my response to them that I was able to share with them what has happened and yet I have hope and faith to what will become of it all. What an awesome testimony and chance to give God full credit and all the glory, but also a wonderful reminder to myself.

"Thank you, Lord, for allowing me to have this relationship with you, and please forgive me for all the times I take it for granted and don't appreciate being able to come to you for any and everything. Thank you for always coming through for me and taking care of me...although I don't deserve it. Thank you for showing your mercy, goodness and love every step of the way. I thank you for being my Father and my heart overflows knowing I will see you one sweet day...along with my precious children! So thankful for that hope I have!!"

It's Pouring

I know you've heard the saying, "When it Rains, it Pours." It's so "funny" how when we were going through something SOOOO big with Tori and being in the hospital months on end that I was able to cling to my faith and rely on Him and yet when the "small" things hit, I seem to freak out and "breakdown" wondering what am I going to do?? Do I honestly believe that God can only handle the BIG things in my life?? No. I know full well that He is BIG enough to handle all the small, everyday things as well, so Father, help me give them to you instead of trying to fix them all myself!!

On New Years Day, we had a small fire get out of control and lets just say with fireworks in the mix, it wasn't pretty. Four yards ended up getting burnt (grass will grow back, no biggie, I know) but it was a close call between ours and our neighbors house at one point. There was some minimal damage to the siding on our neighbors house that we've offered to replace but nothing else was damaged. The fire department (yes, SEVERAL trucks and cars came, so embarrassing) got there and put it out and for that we are thankful. No one got hurt, and it was a big accident, but it still hurt us in the pocketbook. Not only do we have to replace the siding, but our water bill was quadrupeled because they hooked the hoses up to our water line in the yard. Yeah, do you know how many gallons pump through those hoses so fast? Well, my water bill says A LOT. So, what a way to start off the year. Woo hoo.

Then, a couple of weeks ago (all in the month of January, mind you) we came home to a half of our house flooded from where a pipe had busted where there was NO insulation in the wall around it. The plumber clearly told us it was because there was no insulation. Now, we're not fighting people, so we didn't pursue it any further...until our heat went out tonight. In case you haven't stepped outside in our neck of the woods tonight, let me tell you it's currently 19 degrees outside. yeah, pretty cold. Now, most people would think that is bad luck, oh well, gotta get it fixed. Nope, it's more than that. This is the 5th or 6th time since our house was built 2 years ago that we've had this SAME problem. The first time was in the dead heat of summer when I was pregnant with Tori and I remember standing outside in 90 something heat because it was cooler than the inside of my house was.

I will admit I slightly got in the flesh tonight when I called our builder and left him a nice, sweet message to call us FIRST thing tomorrow morning. :) And then I said God Bless You, come visit me at church Sunday. Ok, so I just lied. I'm sorry, I'm human and I'll apologoze to the man later, but for now, I'm ticked. We have our emergency heat on now, so we're staying warm, but have you ever looked at your utility bill after using ER heat for an extended amount of time?? Not a pretty picture next month either.

SO, why do I vent and gripe and complain about all this?? Well, journaling/blogging helps me get stuff off my chest and no one has to physically hear me complaining about it, so it's all good. I mostly wanted to write it all and remind myself, "Melissa, God is still in control. He was in control when you lost Tori and He knew the heartache you would face and the financial dilemmas you would run into. He's always supplied, though, and He won't stop now. He doesn't only care about the BIG, miraculous things. He cares about the "small" things that you can't fix, that make you mad and that you worry constantly about. STOP worrying. Give it to Him. You can't choose to trust Him in certain areas of your life. A relationship with Him doesn't work that way. Claim His promises over your life and know that He will come through for you. This awful, stinky, corrupt, dying, sinful world is NOT your home! Keep your eyes fixed on what lies ahead for you and that is your heavenly home... where the heat will never break and fires won't burn up the yard or house! :) Now go reflect on how He's been faithful and know He will do it again...just like the song says. Good night." (I think that about sums it up, no comments neccessary. LOL. But feel free to add to it if you'd like..hehe!)

Reminiscing

My birthday is a week from Monday and I was thinking back to my birthday last year with sweet Tori. It was WONDERFUL! That morning right as we got to the hospital, she self extubated herself (pulled out her breathing tube) and breathed on her own (with a little help from a nasal canula) for 36 hours before being put back on the vent again. They tried to rentubate her immediately but she literally bit down on the instrument the doctor needed to use to keep her mouth open and she would NOT let them do it! She was a fiesty one like her momma, I know! :) I just know she would've been a strong willed fighter for sure!!!

Since she fought it and they couldn't get it back in, she was doing well off of it so they decided to see what she could do on her own. She went 36 hours without the vent and it helped make her lungs stronger! Anything babies can do on their own (if even for awhile) helps them get stronger. We were so encouraged after this day. After seeing what she could do on her own, the doctors aggressively tried to get her off the vent after that day.

In the weeks that followed, they attempted to bring her oxygen levels way down and she did well at times. Her liver had just gotten so large because it was failing finally after not having real nutrition for awhile, so it became harder to breathe on her own. It is shocking to me in a way to think how well she did in that aspect and they were really shooting to let her eventually breathe on her own soon, and yet only a month and a half later, she died. It went down hill fast...like in a matter of 2 weeks. It was a major turn around from just a month before on my birthday.

All in all, I know God allowed these experiences so that as I reflect back on them, I see that His Hand was on us all the time, despite the outcome. She constantly did things (through Him) that couldn't be explained (although WE knew why). She defied the odds several times, when they thought she was too frail to go any further. I am thankful for all the experiences through Tori's life and what all it taught me.

"Tori, you are still and will forever be missed. I wish you were here for Mommy's birthday this year, but I know you are having the best party ever in Heaven and I can't wait to join you one day!!"

I've Been Held

I was awakened by our sweet puppies at 4:30 this morning and couldn't go back to sleep, so of course I laid there reflecting on what was going through my mind 2 years ago this morning as I was laying in bed. If you read my last post, you know why. I don't want to rehash all of it, but I do want to say this. I know God had a purpose for calling Aiden home early on, and I know He knew Tori's life would then be knitted together in my womb 2 months later only to call her home early, too. I look back and think that He knew both losses would happen, but WHY?? Not a WHY in the aspect of "Why did this have to happen to me," but a WHY as in "Why did He allow it and what does He want to use from it?"

These last few days have been filled with prayer more than usual. I am burdened for other people in my life: my husband, my families, other mothers who have lost their babies, and others. I have been asking God to give peace beyond all comprehension to these named people and to comfort them in a real, personal way. As I reflect on what happened two years ago, am I over the pain? No. I don't feel like I actually had time to grieve losing this first baby before getting pregnant with Tori again and getting my hopes up with her. But, somehow, 2 years later....I find myself so concerned with these people mentioned above and my pain seems to have peace cover it. It's hard to explain.

Instead of wallowing in my loss, I honestly just find myself wanting to help others. I don't say that at all for a pat on the back, but because I believe that the Lord has brought me to this place I could've never traveled to on my own. I'm reminded of Natalie grant's song, "Held," and how that's exactly what's been done to me....I've been HELD by God Himself. Here's the video to the song, I hope you'll take a minute and listen even if you've heard it before. I recently made it one of my ringtones because I love it so much.



I covet your prayers for the people I mentioned that are close to my heart lately, too. I fully believe that our Lord and Savior is pleased when He sees and hears His people having enough faith in Him to all call out to Him in their time of need or for any request we may have. He is pleased that we have that faith in Him and I believe He honors it. He may not always answer the way we'd like, but I know for certain He answers in a way that will work together for good.

I'd like to say something and no one comment on my faith, how much they admire me, etc., etc., for I am nothing but a sinner that continues mess up royally, but nonetheless I am saved by grace and so thankful for it!! I was thinking this week how Paul said we should be thankful for trials and rejoice in them...some might say: what??? Seriously, I have come to the point where I have said THANK YOU, Lord for allowing these things in my life for they have done what Romans 5:3 says they will...."we REJOICE in our sufferings for suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." AMEN!!

My Sweet Aiden

I have been dreading this next week just to be honest. Friday, January 23rd will be 2 years since I miscarried. When I say miscarried, some people just think of a minor passing of a baby, where the mother sometimes doesn't even know she's miscarried until she goes to the doctor and there's no heartbeat detected. That is a tragic loss in itself, and I don't mean to minimize the pain felt through it AT ALL. I'm just saying when I miscarried, I was the week before being out of my first trimester. I already had a little pooch and my jeans were definitely a little tighter than 3 months before. I had gained a few pounds and was looking forward to my morning sickness subsiding soon because the next week I would be out of the morning sickness period. I say all that to explain that I was far enough along that when it happened, it was the most AWFUL thing I've ever experienced, not an undetectable passing of a baby.

Little did I know when I woke up one cold Tuesday morning, while getting ready for work (where I now work again), my life would forever be changed in just a couple of hours. I woke up that morning with mild cramps. They seemed to get worse as I was getting dressed. My doctor's office wasn't open yet, so I went ahead and got ready and dropped Savannah off. As I was driving to work, I remember the cramps getting exceedingly worse. I planned to go on to work and then call my doctor at 8 am sharp and then them tell me to come on in then so they could check me and see what was going on. I tried not to panic is what I'm saying, and knew that I was right there close to my doctor's office as well.

I remember it being moments before 8:00 when I arrived at work and going up the elevator to the 3rd floor. I felt even worse by then. I thought, "I've just got to get to the doctor now." (My thoughts had changed this entire morning the worse I got to feeling, so yes, I was a little indecisive.) So, I decided to walk down to the second floor and tell the other secreataries that I had to go, but there wasn't time.

As I was huddled over walking down the hallway, because my pain had progressed so much by then (now knowing that it was contractions all morning, getting worse with time), my water broke. I looked down in shock and thought immediately "it is over." I knew my baby was going to die if not already. There is no way that a baby less than 20 weeks, not even hardly developed, could live. That was my first thought, that my baby was GONE: it was OVER.

I will never forget the horrific moments after that. I ran as well as I could downstairs (pardon the details, but it's apart of childbirth, so I'm over the modesty of it all) with amniotic fluid and blood continuing to come out, and crying, screaming, "NO! This can't be happening! I can't handle this! etc." I opened the office door and immediately told Deborah to take me to the hospital and we made our way to her car. We might should have called an ambulance, but we were right there near my doctor in Huntsville, and in a moment of chaos, she did what I asked and helped me into the car and rushed me there instead of arguing the point with me. (I am so thankful that she was there to help me that day.)

I've blogged about Deborah before and how special she is to me. We had gotten close while working there, but this bonded us immensely even more. I remember in all my crying and babbling in the car apologizing because her seats would be ruined! Even in all that, I was concerned about ruining her seats. She, of course, could've cared less. We got to the doctor and I had lost A LOT Of blood at this point. We had called my doctor on the way (NOT the one I go to now- Dr. Wheeler- he is wonderful!!) and told her exactly what had happened and she had me come to her office (which is connected to the hospital) despite all the blood loss and pain I was in. Deborah had to find a wheelchair and blanket to try and cover the blood, and wheeled me up. They took me back and I don't think they understood the severity of it until they saw me. They took me into an ultrasound room and the doctor came in and asked me some questions (by this time, I could barely talk because of the pain) and she simply patted my hand and said, "Well, this was just nature's way of taking care of a pregnancy that wasn't meant to be." If I would have had any strength in my body at all or in my coherent mind, I would have come off that table and given her a piece of my mind! Let's just I get in the flesh when I think back to that moment. How DARE you tell me that WHILE I'm laying here going through this, much less waiting til afterwards like it was no big deal.

So, she sent me over to the hospital and let me tell you in the nicest description possible (my husband and dad who had showed up by then, and Deborah, could vouch for me) that it looked like an animal had been slaughtered in that office. Looking back, I had lost so much blood and she said she still had patients to see and sent me over for them to prep me for surgery. By the time we got over there, I was passing clots as big as a baby itself and on the last one, the anthesiologist had enough and said, "Okay, put the doctor on the phone and let me tell her myself to get over here NOW." I am SO thankful for that anthesiologist! If he had not been there at that moment and made that call, there's no telling what the end result could've been. Nurses told us after I woke up that they see miscarriages everyday and even they were getting panicky and shaky.

There were 5-6 nurses working on me before the D&C and one I know was a Christian. During all the trauma, she had slipped out for a moment and then came back. Before they took me away to the D&C, she grabbed my hand and slipped something in it. It was a compressed nickel with an angel on it. She said she lost a baby, too, and she wanted me to have that because it had brought her comfort and that she would be praying for me. WOW is all I can say. "Thank you, Lord, for putting these people in my path as I look back and reflect on it all! You never left me or had forsaken me! Your presence, comfort and reminders that you would be there were there all along the way!"

So, after such a detailed post, that is where the name Aiden comes in. We felt with all our hearts that it was a boy, although they said the tissue was so thin, he didn't come out as a whole baby so there was no way to know. If it was a girl, though, we figured Aiden could be a girl's name, too, but I just loved the name and wanted to give him/her a name so they were real, and not just a fetus that some people might say you lost. He was a real, human, just too small, but with a heartbeat and body forming (Jeremiah 1:5).

I can't believe it's been 2 years, because honestly, that's when my story starts I feel like. Before that point, we were "normal" people. We had a daughter, good jobs, nice home and no real tragedy or problem had ever struck before. We thought, "that would never happen to ME." After January 23, though, life didn't seem so gentle and kind. I began to look at it as the RAW, painful thing it could sometimes be. The worse pain would came only months later, after I found out in March that I was pregnant again.

I hadn't even gotten back on birth control yet and was shocked. We didn't think it would ever happen like that. I remember being very SCARED, though, but after changing doctors (a MUST) we talked about the statistics of it happening again and I felt better. I did have some early on scares when I was pregnant with Tori, and they suspected I had actually lost a twin because of how severe the problems were and yet I had not miscarried Tori. I came to grips with the fact that I had lost 2 babies, but I had to still be strong for this other baby still inside my womb.

I remember praising Jesus, thanking Him for this life after our 20 week ultrasound revealing that all looked great and that we were expecting a baby GIRL!! It was Labor Day of 07 when we spent our day off painting the nursery. I knew I would be getting even bigger those last few months and wanted to be able to help with some things, so we painted and got it all ready that Monday. We already had the bedding from when Savannah was a baby, so it was easier to complete Tori's nursery this time. Little did I know that 3 weeks later, I would give birth to Tori 3 months early and so Tori's story begins there.

So when I say the last 2 years have been tiresome, trying and difficult, this is why. It seems like a whirlwind at times, and then when I journal like this, it seems like just yesterda and it is all still so clear again. There are MANY things I've questioned to God along the way like when I miscarried, I was 7 days away from having new insurance coverage so they didn't cover a dime of my surgery, hospital stay, nothing. We had been trying to get ahead financially, so not only had we lost our child, we have thousands in medical bills that racked up that we still make a monthly payment to. The same with Tori. She was a $3 million dollar baby. :) Now, I am very well aware that money is not the most important thing here, I'm just saying for a young couple who's trying to make it and get their finances in order, not only have we been hit with the blow of losing 3 children, but all the financial pressure that comes along with it. Hope that makes sense....

I KNOW, KNOW, KNOW God has a plan for me, though. There is a reason why I didn't bleed to death on January 23, 2007. There is a reason why I didn't die on September 20th when they were worrisome for my life and had to do an emergency c-section. Our worship leader said something last week that made me think about this time in my life and what God has in store for me. He said, "It's not so much about the destination sometimes, but about the journey along the way."

Maybe its not how many children I will or won't have or what I will have accomplished at the end of my life, but how I've used tragedies, flaws and struggles along the way. Will I use them for good in ways like encouraging other mom's like Reed's mom, who lost her son? Will I agree to minister to other ladies who are faced with some of the same things I've experienced? I want the answer to be YES. I want to be so sensitive to what God wants and how He can make a materpiece out of what seems to be a mess.

A little bit of Everything...

So, there's a little bit of everything I'd like to say in this post. First, about my new picture....the puppies and me....they are our newest additions: Molly and Max. Molly was supposed to be an early Birthday present for me, and when we went to pick her up, our friend said if we wanted him, too, she'd make us a good deal :) I thought at first, "Nah, Josh will never go for it and I'm not going to push the issue." However, I looked at him with my own puppy dog eyes and after seeing them together and I think his heart melted at that point, he said "If you want both of them, that's fine." Yipee! Now, they're malte-poo's (maltese and poodle mix) so the biggest they'll get is probably a little more or less of 10 lb. They will eat a tenth of what our lab outside eats and they have each other to play with and it's WONDERFUL! Now, neither one of us could imagine one without the other. Molly has officially become "Savannah's dog" so it's a good thing we got Max so I could actually have a birthday present. haha. I think Savannah and Molly will be lifelong friends! Molly loves to be carried, and well, we can't get Savannah to put her down half of the time. They are both doing REALLY well at potty training..thank God!! That was my only reservation about it all. They are doing better than Savannah was and is at times :) SO, that's the scoop on my new babies!!

Secondly, If you read my last post, you know that Reed Putman passed away last night. I CANNOT explain it, but after you go through the loss of a child, you have this bond with other mothers and families who experience it. You so desperately feel for them....a kind of compassion that I have never felt before. I went to Tori's grave today to sign some papers (we still owe a couple thousand on it :( and I of course went to her grave while I was there. I don't know if you looked outside today, but the sky was BEAUTIFUL! The clouds were parting in two from where I was standing at her grave and it was the bluest of blue skies I'd ever seen! It was perfect. I was there for awhile, just thinking and looking and listening to the silence (is that possible??) and how peaceful it all was at that moment. I didn't want to leave. I imagined Tori and Reed singing and praising Jesus together at that very moment. I believe with all of my heart that is the case and one day I will join in with them. I have been a little sad and down today I'll admit....I am getting a cold I think and Reed's passing just hurt me really bad, too. My spirits have been kinda down. But at that moment in the cemetery, I felt peace and contentment. Nothing else mattered. It was really a special moment. I will never forget it. Even after I left, I turned my music off in my car and rode in the silence all the way home. It was nice.

While I was at the office in the cemetery, I asked Brooke, who is a dear sweet lady, about the newest plot in the row right below Tori's. I had noticed the plot was a child's plot, too, and what the story was. She said she had been meaning to tell us, but there was a story behind it. There was a 6 month old baby (same age as Tori) who died from SIDS and when picking a place, Brooke had told them that Tori's spot was a baby that had died, too, and all about her story and what had happened. The mom immediately said we'll take the one right here below hers so they can be beside each other. I was in shock. The mom said to make sure she told us. I thought that was just a really neat and special thing, and Lord willing, maybe we'll both be visiting our daughter's graves at the same time one day and I'll get to meet and talk with her. That's my hopes. Please pray in advance for this to be the case....I have been convicted about not witnessing like I should, and what better opportunity to once again use Tori's life for the Lord's glory??? It gets me excited to say the least!!

Lastlt, Reed's visitation is tomorrow night and the funeral is Wednesday. I don't know if I'll be able to make it to the funeral on Wednesday because I have to work, but I plan on going to the visitation tomorrow night with a friend of mine. This will be the first time that I have been to a funeral home since Tori died or saw a baby in a casket either, so I am a little apprehensive. However, I know that with God's strength I can go and be an encouragement to this family just as so many did for me that I had never even met. I said on my CB page today that God allowed this in my life for a reason and I'm not going to pass any oppotunity up to use it for His glory. Your prayers for their family and my words to say or not say is appreciated.

Thank you prayer warriors. I love you all dearly.

Baby Reed is with Jesus

My heart is broken into a million pieces for the Putman family tonight. His caringbridge page has not been updated yet, but I was told earlier tonight that Reed passed away around 6 PM tonight. I know God was glorified all throughout his 2 months of life. His parent's strong faith impacted many people by showing how the Lord can work through the trials in our lives if we glorify Him through it all. The Lord knew exactly how many days Reed had on this earth, just as He knew the same for Tori, and just as He knows for you and I. Still, on this night, I know their hearts are broken; his parents, grandparents and extended family members as well. I ask you to pray for them all tonight and in the days ahead.

I can only think back to the morning Tori passed away. It was a snowy, cold morning in Nashville and I remember how beautiful it was outside, but it was the complete opposite inside. I remember her taking her last breath right in my arms and the gut wrenching, heart breaking pain I felt. I know Tina feels this same way as a mother tonight. I don't know the arrangements or what they will do next, but I do ask you as my blog readers to reach out and encourage this family by simply leaving them a note on their caringbridge page if nothing else. In the days ahead, as they deal with the grief they will feel as they wake up to their son no longer being at the hospital to visit, their lives will never be the same to say the least. Losing your child is the worst pain ever I truly believe!!!

Another side note...PLEASE pray for Tina and Jonathan's marriage in the days to come. They are strong Christians, I know, but losing a child and dealing with grief takes a toll on your marriage. I'm just being honest and transparent with you....You both grieve differently and you never want to begin blaming each other or pushing each other away through the hardest thing a young married couple can ever endure...Satan tries to use things like the death of a child to break up marriages. I never understood until after losing Tori of why they told us 75% of couples divorce after losing a child. I thought "that number is entirely too high." Neither person knows how they are going to react or what the pain that grief brings you will do to you. Right after Tori died, it drew Josh and I closer, we were able to be there for each other during the hardest time in our lives. But after you make all the arrangements, have the visitation, go through the funeral and graveside service, take care of things days after it all, you are left with this numbness in your body and you don't know where to start first. I remember thinking, "Okay, what now??" It all sinks in and you're never prepared with what you'll do after losing a child. NO ONE is prepared to grieve a loved one until you're actually doing it. There's not a class you take to prepare you for it, but the only hope for me was knowing Jesus as my personal Lord and Savior. He truly gave me a peace beyond anything I could have comprehended....even on the really bad days that I STILL have, nearly a year later.

All that to say that they WILL need prayer for their marriage in the upcoming days and that their hearts will be comforted, their faith will be strengthened, their joy restored and their marriage to stand strong through it all. I pray that they never blame God or pull away from Him. It is so easy to do. I pray that He gives them that same peace that I know only He can give. It is such a sweet, sweet peace and can only come from Him. Nothing else on this earth will be able to fill that void.

Thank you for listening, family and friends, and for praying for this sweet family. I have no doubt that God had a plan for Reed's life and his conception, birth, and 2 months of life on this earth were not a coincidence. Conception in itself is a miracle and the fact that he was ever formed together by God in his mother's womb says so much (Psalm 139:13). God had a plan for him even then (just as He does for each of us--Jer. 29:11)!!

5:45 p.m. Central Tonight

Do you believe in Matthew 18:19-20??? “Again I say to you that if two of you agree on earth concerning anything that they ask, it will be done for them by My Father in heaven. For where two or three are gathered together in My name, I am there in the midst of them.” If you do, please join me in praying at 5:45 tonight for baby Reed Putman.

I have asked my readers to pray for him already about a month ago. He is now very critical, as they believe his kidneys and liver are no longer working well at all. Tori became just this swollen and sick and I remember so vividly what it was like to see and experience it all at this point. As a mother, you feel helpless and know all you can do is PRAY. (don't you know that He wants us to get this to point where we are totally helpless and reliant on Him???) You know the Lord will work this out for good, but you want to be faithful and ask Him to heal and spare your baby's life, too!!!

If the Lord has taught me anything through Tori's 6 months on this earth and through her death, He has taught me about true compassion. I only thought I was compassionate for people before. Reed and his family are weighing heavy on my heart, and I want nothing more than to see the Lord do a miracle here in his life. However, we will accept His will whatever he decides. Until we know the outcome, though, we will gather together and PRAY!! So, at 5:45 p.m. central tonight, please stop, even for a moment, and lift little Reed up! His parents will be praying over him in the NICU as well as family and friends praying in the waiting room. Claim Matthew 18:19-20 and pray fervently. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, and I know from the Putman family.

www.caringbridge.org/visit/reedputman

His Unfailing Presence

As some of you may know, I am one of the part time secretary's at a church here in town and I love what I do. I love designing publications, creating powerpoint presentations for the services, etc. I like to be creative and "play" around on a computer as my job; it can be quite fun! One of the things I like to do is find neat poems, quotes, clip art, etc. and it usually ends up encouraging ME instead of just encouraging others. One of those was a poem I used yesterday. It was titled: His Unfailing Presence. I have a lot of things on my heart and mind for 2009 and it's almost like a clean slate where I am asking God to write out the plan. I am anxious to see what He's got in store. This poem was just perfect with how I'm feeling about it all. Have a read.


His Unfailing Presence
Another year I enter
Its history unknown;
Oh, how my feet would tremble
To tread its paths alone!
But I have heard a whisper,
I know I shall be blest;
"My presence shall go with thee,
And I will give thee rest."

What will the New Year bring me?
I may not, must not know;
Will it be love and rapture,
Or loneliness and woe?

Hush! Hush! I hear His whisper;
I surely shall be blest;
"My presence shall go with thee,
And I will give thee rest."

Pretty simple, I know. But pretty encouraging to know He will be there through everything 2009 brings and that I shouldn't worry about it all. I was reading Philippians 4:6 today, "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God." This should be my life verse!!

Letting Him Lead

So, I'll be perfectly honest and admit that at times I can be a control freak. I'm not much of a follower, and was always that strong willed child that the book is written about. I pretty much make up my mind about something, and that's that. People have told me before, "That's good, at least you can stand up for what you believe and not have people run all over you." Unfortunately, that's not always been the case. I am just as much a people pleaser at times- where I want to make peace and please others, even though I have my own thoughts or ideas. Some may call that humbleness, but really it can be straight out people pleasing, not always a good thing either. So, if you're strong willed like me, or have a domineering personality, you may have a problem letting God LEAD at times. Our strong willed spirit CAN be used for good and make us a good leader, administrator, etc., but it can also be very BAD if we use it the wrong way. The worst way is if we think WE can lead GOD. Not happening.

A friend of mine sent me the poem below and I just loved it. I thought it was perfect to use as my resolution for 2009. I have lots of thoughts, plans, dreams and desires I'd like to see come through for this year, but all of those things for Him may be completely different. The question is, will I let Him lead?? It's almost a daily struggle for me, something that has be worked at, tweaked, and a challenge to overcome at times in various situations. The strong willed spirit in me sometimes has to take a backseat to what He has planned for my life instead. Tori's life is a wonderful testament of that. I couldn't have stopped her death, but how I responded afterwards was the option that I had control over.

In 2009, I would like to give the Lord the steering wheel, truly let Him LEAD, over MY life, my husband's life, my child's life and everything in our paths such as our church, our jobs, etc. I hope you'll read the poem below and LET HIM LEAD. (sometimes easier said than done, I know, but trust me, you'll reap better rewards in the end if you do)

Dancing With God
When I meditated on the word Guidance,
I kept seeing 'dance' at the end of the word.
I remember reading that doing God's will is a lot like dancing.
When two people try to lead, nothing feels right.
The movement doesn't flow with the music,
and everything is quite uncomfortable and jerky.
When one person realizes that, and lets the other lead,
both bodies begin to flow with the music.
One gives gentle cues, perhaps with a nudge to the back
or by pressing Lightly in one direction or another.
It's as if two become one body, moving beautifully.
The dance takes surrender, willingness, and attentiveness from one person and gentle guidance and skill from the other.
My eyes drew back to the word Guidance.
When I saw 'G: I thought of God, followed by 'u' and 'i'.
'God, 'u' and 'i' dance.'
God, you, and I dance.
As I lowered my head,
I became willing to trust that I would get guidance about my life.
Once again, I became willing to let God lead.
My prayer for you today is that God's blessings and mercies be upon you on this day and everyday.
May you abide in God as God abides in you.
Dance together with God,
trusting God to lead and to guide you through each season of your life. This prayer is powerful and one of the best gifts we can receive.
There is no cost but a lot of rewards;
so let's continue to pray for one another.

Author Unknown