Last Post of 2008

Well, this is it. The final day of 2008 and my final post of the year along with it. When I started this blog, it was because Caring Bridge was more about updating on Tori's progress as we were going through everything at the hospital in Nashville. After she died, I updated for a month on there and then realized I needed something different than CB to express my feelings and thoughts as I dealt with the grief I was feeling. This blog has been a great outlet. Through it, I have "met" some wonderful people....mostly ladies who share in the grief I am experiencing and I have been able to read their blogs as well. We all share something in common: the pain you feel after losing your infant child. Each situation is different, but they are all still similar and leave us feeling the same. I've said to a few of them that I think it is so awesome that the Lord has brought us into each other's lives to uplift, encourage and pray for one another through the hardest thing we've ever endured. When I was pregnant with Tori, I expected to have a normal pregnancy, normal birth and normal childhood just like Savannah's. Never did I think that a year later, I would be corresponding with mothers who have lost their babies or talking with my friends and family about the pain I've been feeling through a blog.

I can attest to the fact that we never know what the Lord has in store for us and what He can make out of our heartbreaks, difficulties, or tragedies. I am excited, scared, apprehensive, and yet feel total peace about what the Lord has in store for me in 2009 and years to come. I so badly want to be a loving and supportive wife, mother to a few children, a reliable and trustworthy friend, and overall, the woman that He wants me to be in my career, etc. I want to be sensitive to what He has for me, and commit to spend more time falling in love with Him this next year so that our relationship is even sweeter and blessings are overflowing! Yes, blessings! Have you ever prayed the Prayer of Jabez? It was a popular book several years ago, and before some of the points in it, I always thought it odd to pray for blessings for yourself, but God's word clearly elaborates. Read below:

"And Jabez called on the God of Israel saying, "Oh that You would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evil, that I may not cause pain!" So God granted him what he requested." 1 Chronicles 4:9-10(NKJV)

It's not praying and asking God to give you whatever you want, a formula for success, or even that if you pray it, God will give you all the desires of your heart. I mentioned in a couple of posts ago that the Lord has shaped HIS desires into being my own. What I wanted, my desires, with Tori's life, didn't happen. However, He has changed my desires to be the same as His and my mindset is changing. He has poured out his BLESSINGS on me in that aspect. We have nice cars, a nice home, etc., but it's not the tangible, materialistic blessings that I am talking about praying for. Praying a chant, believing that God is going to give you everything your heart desires if you do, is misleading. We could go into lots of theological issues here, but back to my point....make your prayer that of Jabez's this next year and as you honor the Lord with your life, even in your heartaches, see if you don't see your "territory enlarged and His hand with you" through it all.

A New Year

Well, I specifically remember writing on CB at this time last year saying that I could not wait to see 2007 go and bring in 2008 in hopes of a better year. Only a few months after writing that, my daughter passed away. That is not what I had hoped or expected 2008 to bring, but it did. 2008 will be a year I will never forget. It has been full of many ups and downs for me and my family. We have been tested, discouraged, uplifted, encouraged, saddened, depressed, happy, glad, thankful, and so many more emotions that don't quite grasp what I have felt in a matter of 12 months. I am thankful for 2008 just the same, for it has been a pivotal year in my life and taught me many things about my relationship with God as well as others. It has strengthened me through various circumstances, and left me feeling very down on other days. In sad or happy times, though, this past year has helped shape me into the person I am today. Some things I want to change or strengthen, but nevertheless, I am who I am today because of things that have happened in 2008.

Am I ready for a new year, though? A fresh start? Something better? You bet. I feel like I need a "facelift," a "pick me up." It reminds me of what my dad was saying this morning about not ever being content with what and how we are today, but instead focus on changing, growing and getting "better." He said it well by saying that we should constantly be accepting change in our life, never trying to focus on the past but instead on the future. For there is no FAITH in looking to the past, but there is when looking towards the future. There is also no HOPE if you dwell on the past, but there is for the future. I am determined to "step out" this next year....out of my comfort zone and in faith. I know God has some big things in store for me and my family, and I want to see Him continue to work in our lives in 2009.

I wanted to mention something that has been on my heart and mind. I know I don't have to justify this to anyone, because what people think really doesn't matter, but for my own sake, I wanted to say this in love.
It has been said before along the lines of that because Tori didn't come home from the hospital like most babies, that because she didn't get to do things like most babies, that she was "handicapped" or that her quality of life made her like a vegetable, meaning that it was better off that she went to be with Jesus despite it being hard, sad or difficult on us.

Let me clarify.........Tori was born 12 weeks early, that's 3 months, and although she was very tiny, she was NOT handicapped or anything wrong with her at birth. Her body was completely formed, although her systems were premature, she just had to play catch up and grow, but mentally, nothing was wrong with her. As she got older, she would respond to my voice, watch her mobile, "cry," interact by holding our hands and many more things, as much as tolerated, despite her getting sick. Yes, because she was in the hospital so long, her motor skills were not that of a regular baby her age because she couldn't get up and play, but she was not mentally retarded, a vegetable, or anything of the sort.

She became sick because she had been on nutritional support for so long due to not keeping down her food well enough. That made her sicker. That was the root issue and what caused everything, not a handicap or disease. She was a baby with a personality, a human being who loved to be loved on, and had specific likes and dislikes that made her happy or mad just like all babies, and knew who her mommy and daddy were!!

I just felt the need to clear this up because I never thought people may have viewed her as this, because I assumed they knew her as I did, but they didn't. Some close friends and family got to see and hold her, but not the majority of our church family, friends, etc. Her death was just like any other death....a stillborn infant, a child that died from cancer, a teenager in a car crash, a husband that died from a heart attack, a mom that died from breast cancer, or any other death. Every situation named is different, but her death had the same result and feeling on our hearts.

Just because she never left the hospital (because she got sick) does not mean she never had a chance at a good quality of life. She never had any brain bleeds, bowel obstructions, heart problems, or tons of other things that most preemies face. She was completely healthy, just very tiny and never could tolerate feedings because of it. Until you are around it all the time, you can't possibly understand the full aspect of it. I sure didn't until NICU life. Anyway, I was just thinking about this and wanted to mention it. Sorry for turning this post into a novel, but thanks for taking the time to read.

I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas and will have a blessed New Year. Remember to keep Christ at the center of everything, and it shouldn't be a problem....no matter what obstacles you face....I promise. It won't be easy, and you will mess up and fall down, but His grace is there to see you through if you will call on Him and let Him be your all in all.

"Be Still and Know That I Am God"

The above title is not something I am very good at...'being still.' I have been really discouraged, depressed, down in the dumps, whatever you want to call it, the closer it's gotten to Christmas it seems. It's not a constant feeling, but it comes and goes more than usual lately. I really think it is in anticipation of Christmas and all that the holiday season brings with the lack of having Tori here, and it is really taking a toll on me emotionally. I now understand why they say the holidays can be some of the hardest/worst times of the year for people. I truly never understood that until now.

So, this morning I had a mini breakdown about it all. Something specific triggered it, but once the tears started, I couldn't stop. I texted my group of special-heaven sent-prayer warrior-loving friends and asked them to say a prayer for me, that it was a tough day already. I have great girlfriends that have been there through this whole tragedy and I am so blessed to have them. I also called my mom and shared my heart with her. We can have our disagreements, but she is always there to listen when I need a friend. Her wisdom always comes in handy (although you never want to admit that to your mother...ha,ha,ha!) and she said when she feels the way I'm feeling about Tori, that she has to go "get alone with God, be still and quiet, and pour her heart out to Him, asking Him to remind her of all the blessings He's given." Something I knew I should do, but I was hurt and hadn't turned to Him first this morning but vented to others instead. It's okay to talk to others about our hurts, but He should definitely be our ultimate source of comfort over anyone else.

So, I got to thinking about it, and I went to Tori's room, shut the door, and I began pouring my heart out to Him. As I looked around her room at all her pictures, her stuffed animals, her blankets and her outfits, I was reminded of something I thought of that morning. Six of our Christmas cards hanging up this year are from people we met through Tori's life. Those are six lives or families that were somehow touched, impacted or simply brought into our lives through my precious baby girl's life that God blessed us with. Although that fact doesn't take away my pain or bring her back, knowing these people, and many more, through this tragedy has enriched my life. I have lifelong friends that have blossomed into wonderful friendships and I will cherish them always and how our relationship came to be. All of the memories I have of Tori are more than some mothers ever get to have unfortunately, but I am thankful for the six months I had with her. Although she was in pain and not healthy the whole time, we formed a bond that only mother's and their babies can have. I am thankful beyond words for that.

I asked the Lord this morning (as I have countless times before) to heal mine and Josh's broken hearts, to comfort us and give us continued peace. In my last post, I said that I will have to take comfort in knowing that He knew better than I did for the plan of Tori's life, but it doesn't stop there. Not only did He know better than I did, but He is helping me accept His plan as my own. Let me explain. I have prayed before that my desires will be His, and although Tori dying was not my desire, He is teaching me through each hard day like today that His will was carried out and that I want what He wants. That does NOT mean I wanted my daughter to die, but it simply means that I want SO badly to give of myself and my desires, that I want to sarcifice any desire I might have over Him, and put it to the backseat compared to what He has planned. I want a baby girl like a lot of my friends have. I want two girls to celebrate Christmas together this year. I want a family of four and it to feel "complete" in our home. I want this hole in my heart to be filled. I want Tori back. But if I truly mean what I say I believe, I will willingly sacrifice those desires and ultimately accept His instead.

Am I always this selfless in my thinking?! Unfortunately not. It's a growing process, something that it takes a lot of heartache and conviction to bring me to this place. It definitely isn't the best travel, but the journey is worth the end result, I'm sure. Like I told my mom this morning, I'm just ready to see what the end result of all this is....the joy that comes in the morning....because it just doesn't all make sense. That probably won't happen until I reach heaven, though, so I will have to wait. Things like knowing the people (some of you) that sent us Christmas cards and correspond with me regularly now, help with that waiting, though.

Thank you for listening, and I urge you to "be still and know that He is God." Really. It's not just a cliche saying. It's real and it works. All of the pain in my heart isn't gone after this morning, but talking to Him did remind me of a lot of the blessings in my life, a major one being Savannah, and then lots of other things He's done and worked in my life these past two years and before. Like I said, I'm not "STILL" near enough with the hussle and bussle of our busy lives, but man when I am, the outcome is sweet.

My First Christmas in Heaven

I read this as I was trying to stay optimistic about not having Tori here for Christmas this year. I wanted to share it with all of you who may have lost a child or a loved one since last Christmas. All I can say is that at least they're not suffering anymore and that comforts my heart. However, it would comfort my heart even more to have her whole and here with me. I will have to hang onto the hope that He knew better than I did, though.

I see the countless Christmas trees,
around the world below.
With tiny lights, like Heaven's stars,
reflecting on the snow.

The sight is so spectacular,
please wipe away the tear.
For I am spending Christmas,
with Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs,
that people hold so dear.
But the sounds of music can't compare,
with the Christmas choir up here.

I have no words to tell you,
the joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description,
to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me,
I see the pain inside your heart.
But I am not so far away,
We really aren't apart.

So be happy for me, dear ones,
You know I hold you dear.
And be glad I'm spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.

I sent you each a special gift,
from my heavenly home above.
I sent you each a memory,
of my undying love.

After all, love is a gift more precious,
than the purest gold.
It was always most important,
in the stories Jesus told.

Please love and keep each other,
my Father said to do.
I can't count the blessing or love,
He has for each of you.

So have a Merry Christmas,
and wipe away that tear.
Remember, I am spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.

Author Unknown

Prayer for a NICU Baby

A nurse and friend of mine introduced me to Reed Putman via his caring bridge page and I'd like to ask all you faithful prayer warriors to pray for little Reed. His parents are Christians and are praying that God does a work in little Reed's body as he is having a lot of similiar struggles that Tori had this time last year. To read his mom's journal brought back a lot of memories of how Tori looked with all the fluid and remembering things like changing such tiny diapers, etc.



(This picture is of Tori before she started to get sick last November. This is before all the fluid build up when she could still wear the tiny diapers.)

It seems like no time ago that was US there in the NICU praying and hoping for a miracle as we sat by our daughter's bedside day in and day out. You don't ever think about this being the way children enter this world, but everyday there are babies born early like this, facing complications due to prematurity. This is why it's so important to be involved in things like the Melissa George Fund where lifesaving equipment is bought for the NICU because you never know if it is going to be YOU or someone you know that may need it one day.



(This is how tiny some babies start out. This was Tori's hand holding my finger.)

Please visit Reed's page and pray for him and his family. As we celebrate Christmas this year, I think of all the families who will spend it in the hospital with their children instead of at home. If you have a healthy baby that came home from the hospital with you, count your blessings and hug them a little tighter.

www.caringbridge.org/visit/reedputman



(This is our family at Christmas time in the hospital last year. Many families spend the holidays with their children in the hospital each year.)

Stressed Out and Sleep Deprived

I know everyone has busy, stressful things happening or going on in their lives, and mine is nothing more important than yours, but I feel out of the ordinary stressed out lately. It's from the smallest things to the biggest things, most of which I don't have a lot of control over. Some are legitimate things to be concerned about, but I've always been a worry wart and am doing so more than ever it seems! To top it all off, I am not sleeping well either, so instead of relying on Ambien, I would like to try other alternatives. Anyone have any suggestions that has the same problem?? Reading scripture is always a good idea. Any other ideas are welcome.

Through my grief counseling, we have also talked about my anxiety level after Tori's loss because it seems to be at an all time high since she's died. So through prayer, medication, trying to stay positive, etc., I am trying to overcome this worrisome spirit! However, I am not succeeding very well today, and so I thought, what better way than to ask my blog readers to say a prayer for me...that my nerves will be calmed, that I won't worry, but instead let God handle things, and keep thinking positively.

On another note, my sister is coming home from Japan today for Christmas! We are all so excited! For those who don't know, she got married in May and moved to Japan where her husband is stationed in the Air Force. She will be home for 2 weeks and we are all looking forward to it! SO, we are off to the airport this afternoon to pick her up! She has requested one of our favorite Mexican restaraunts for dinner and then we're off to a live nativity! It should be a good night as we welcome her home (and hopefully stress free..lol)!! :)

Thanks for the prayers. Have a good weekend.

Happy Holidays

I picked a new background because I really liked the style of it. It's simple and yet has just the right flair I was looking for! The only thing that I wanted to mention is that it says HAPPY HOLIDAYS instead of MERRY CHRISTMAS. Now I remember when we used to say HAPPY HOLIDAYS and a second thought was never given. However, with the day and age we live in, people are trying to take CHRIST out of everything, so we as Christians try to make sure we say MERRY CHRISTMAS vs. HAPPY HOLIDAYS now. It's sad that it's come to that, because I really liked to say "Happy Holidays," because it sums up Christmas and New Years, is quicker, and even has a nice ring to it. I try to always emphasize Merry Christmas now, though.

I really enjoy the Christmas classic, "Happy Holidays, Happy Holidays, Happy Holidaaaaaays...toooooooo....yoooooooouuuu!" I hope you know the one I'm singing in my head :) So, please know that I wish you a very MERRY Christmas, as well as Happy Holidays, but first and foremost, the reason we celebrate this time of year is because of CHRIST and that will NEVER be taken out of Christmas for me!! BTW- don't these people that hate CHRIST in CHRISTMAS know that they can change all the commercials and stores to say "Season's Greetings" or "Happy Holidays" but they still haven't changed the calendar to December 25th to read HOLIDAY or anything other than CHRISTMAS. That's what it was when they celebrated as a child, and what it always will be! :)

**P.S. It's sad that the above cartoon may become a reality one day and already is in some places!!! I read about how some people aren't allowed to say MERRY CHRISTMAS in their workplace. I think I'd find a new job. Pronto. No ifs, ands, or buts about it.

Heaven Sent Friends

You've probably heard the term before..."she/he is heaven sent, a treasure from above." Well, I have been blessed with several "heaven sent friends" and they mean so much to me. I try not to take them for granted. I realize how much they mean to me, especially at this time of the year, and how blessed I am to have them in my life.

I have friends like Shannon, whom I've never met, only corresponded with via email but feel like I know her and Lord willing, one day I will. She found Tori's story back in the beginning and has followed it daily, praying for her and encouraging me along the way. She has met others through my blog and even attended a Bible study done by of one of the ladies on my blog, Angie (the Beth Moore, Stepping Up study I did this past summer) and I know she was blessed through that.

Tori's legacy didn't stop with people who heard and were impacted by her story alone. Her life, and me being able to share it with others, led those people to other people, and they were then touched down the road long after Tori was gone. That is so awesome to me. It encourages a grieving mother's heart in ways words can't express. Shannon sent me the most precious ornament last week that I will cherish always. I want to publicly say thank you, Shannon, for it meant so much to me when I opened the package and really thought about the meaning. You can see the ornament below:



It reads: "You may miss me, but I'm spending Christmas with Jesus this year." WOW- is all I could say for I was speechless when I opened it. Someone who has never met me in person, saw this and said they thought of Tori, and then took the time to mail it to me. It made me stop and imagine the greatest Christmas ever- when we will stand face to face with Him and celebrate Him all day long. Wouldn't that be THE best Christmas ever?? How sad it is for me some days and I get down in the dumps, but it's things like this that lift my spirits back up. Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart for your encouragement so many times, Shannon.

I have other friends like Jill, whom I've known since middle school, and she can always make me laugh! She wrote "Tori's thoughts" to add a little smile to my updates on caringbridge and so many people were able to smile, too. She is definitely the ideal HAPPY person, easygoing (as well as outgoing), and encourages me with her positive outlook on life. She always listens to my negatives, any venting I need to do, and never criticizes me in return. To have the gift of JOY like she does, I would think by now she would have gotten tired of hearing my disappointments, hurts and fears, but she never complains, just helps me smile and laugh through it all! Thank you, Jilly, I love you!

I have older friends where age doesn't matter to me AT ALL. Not all my friends are in their 20's, in fact, the majority of our friends have always been older than us. Our kids are not the same age, we're not at the same stage in life, and the fact that they are wiser and more experienced probably helps me a lot. Deborah, (whom I blogged about, her and her family, on Thanksgiving), is like a second mother and yet a friend to me of the truest kind. I have never known a better servant's heart nor kinder spirit than hers. The list could go on here with friends in this category. I have several older friends, yet they are very close to me until age means nothing. I am so blessed to have all of them in my life.

Why did I blog about this? Am I trying to get brownie points with these select few I mentioned? Heaven's, no! Let me get to my point...there are friends that we may not have ever met if you've been in a situation like me...but they are someone who has prayed for and with you, a kindred spirit; there are friends you've known since you were a kid, and you can tell all your deepest, darkest secrets to and be accepted anyway; then there are friends that have come into your life more recently than others, some that may be at different stages in life than you, but you still have much in common. Why do you think the Lord puts each unique, individual person in your life? Is it coincidence? Does it happen by chance? I don't think so.

I have always had a lot of acquaintances, but only a handful of good friends. Good, loyal, true friendships are hard to build and even harder to keep...and if you guard your heart like I have, it's even harder. It's not until going through what I've been through with Tori and the aftermath of it all, that I've realized who my true friends are. Reminds me of the country song, "You Find out who your friends are." If you can stand a country song, listen to the lyrics below.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vk1mxUKiTN8&feature=related

My point is that I cherish the friendships that the Lord has placed in my life (all of you!!), and more importantly, I see what I want to be to others in a friendship. I'll never be the perfect friend. I may forget to send a card for their birthday, be in a bad mood some days, not return their call until a few days later, or even make them upset about something, but I want to be aware of these things and take good care of the friendships I have. Kind of like taking care of my car. I want to make sure I get the oil changed and the tires rotated and balanced to keep it running good. The same thing with my friendships.

I want to say THANK YOU to all of you for being my friend, no matter what level or type of friendship we share. I am thankful for you, and your friendship is one of the greatest gifts I treasure at Christmas!

"A friend loves at all times and a brother is born for adversity." Proverbs 17:17

Merry Christmas from the Wilhoit Elves

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Goodbye November, Hello December

Being shocked when I say, "I can't believe tomorrow is December 1st," is an understatement. It's hard for me to believe that spring has come and gone, as well as the hot summer, fall is quickly ending, and winter is here to stay. I've been getting in the Christmas spirit and anticipating the holidays for a couple of weeks now, but saying December 1st is tomorrow is like...WOW...it's really here! It will be tax time before you know it and 2008 will be a thing of the past.

In 3 short months (almost to the day) it will be a year that my sweet Tori has been gone. While a year may sound like a long time to some, in my life it hasn't been. Living with the memory of Tori and the effect her loss has had on me and my family has constantly made it seem like just a few months ago. When the truth is, a few months have turned into several months, and several months have turned into nearly a year. I can't believe it.

We finally took her crib down this last week and put a bed in its place. I needed a place for company to be able to sleep other than an air mattress or the couch, so her crib is now "in the past." It was sad to be taking the sheets, bedding, etc down, knowing it hadn't been touched since the day I set it all up anticipating her arrival soon. That day has come and gone, and now she has, too. I miss her so much. I wonder what she would be like this Christmas. Her original due date was December 11th, and then the 8th. So she should ultimately be turning a year old this month if all had gone right. I know it went "right" according to God's plan, but my plans weren't the same as His unfortunately.

I'm not really quite sure what the point of this post was other than I was thinking about "time," how quickly life really does pass us by and how it seems like no time ago we were at Vanderbilt with her for days and weeks on end. Last Christmas, we were living out of the Ronald McDonald house. Last Christmas, our only tree was a tiny one my friend bought for Tori's first Christmas. Last Christmas, we weren't sure if she would make it another day.

December 12, 2007 is a day I'll never forget. It was the day of her major surgery when they didn't plan for her to live for more than a few hours afterwards. She was tough and sure showed them, though. She lost so much blood that day and was so critical. I know it was the Lord that sustained her, but often times Josh and I have asked ourselves, "Why didn't he just take her then? Why did she continue to suffer and hurt only to have this kind of outcome? Did we do the right thing pushing her for various surgeries and procedures? We were only trying to give her every chance possible. Did it hurt her more than help her, though?"

To be honest, those are not questions I have voiced out loud a lot of times. I have accepted the sovereign plan of God and known all the answers to those questions truly aren't most important. However, as a parent that loved my child more than anything, I still wonder. I am HUMAN. I am at PEACE with her passing, but because my mind can't comprehend His ways (His thoughts are Higher than my thoughts; His ways higher than my ways), it's still a question that seems to linger sometimes.

Please pray for those who have lost their children, their loved ones, and even friends this past year. This will be our first Christmas without Tori since she came into our lives, so knowing how difficult it is for us, I can only imagine how it is for others in the same boat. Everyone grieves and reacts differently. My heart truly goes out to those who can't fully enjoy this Christmas season because they don't see much hope or light at the end of the tunnel. As Christians, we have hope and "light at the end of the tunnel," but it can still seem bleak at times, so I understand how they might feel. I hope you have a blessed Christmas season!

While I am reflecting on Thanksgiving being tomorrow and what it means, I think about all the Lord has given me. He has blessed me immensely, beyond what I deserve.

I have a wonderful family, both on mine and my husband's side- they are very supportive, loving and always there for Josh and I when we need them. I have wonderful friends. I have been through very difficult things over the past 2 years, and I can honestly attest to the country song, "You Find Out Who Your Friends Are." During rough times, you find out who "sticks closer than a brother." We are so blessed with some of the most supportive friends ever. I have a nice house, nice car, nice clothes, and the list goes on. I take these things for granted everyday. I have never gone hungry- I have no idea what it's like to not have food on the table and I also take that for granted more than I realize. We are a blessed nation, despite all the economic hardship we are enduring. I'd say, overall, I have much to be thankful for.

Last Thanksgiving, we had turkey and dressing at Hard Rock Cafe in Nashville since that was the only place we could find nearby serving it (other than the hospital cafeteria, which we were tired of). It will forever be the most memorable Thanksgiving etched in my mind. It was my one and only Thanksgiving to share with Tori. I am so thankful that I got to spend that day with her. I was reminded this week of just how much I miss her and how much I yearn to have her here this Thanksgiving. Let me explain.

My very good friend, coworker, and second mother, Deborah, has become near and dear to my heart, as well as her family. She has accepted me as her own and we've even had others mistake us for mother and daughter a few times. :) I KNOW the Lord brought us together at the right time in our lives. I can tell her anything, never be judged, and she always listens and offers godly advice/encouragement.

When I began working at UBC with Deborah, Savannah was 3 months old. Now Savannah has just turned 3 years old, so she's seen my daughter grow up so far. Her family has welcomed mine with open arms throughout our hardships, and I am blessed to have friendships with her children and daughter in laws as well. You never know who the Lord is going to bring in your path and what kind of lifelong friendships can flourish when needed most.

A year after working at UBC, I miscarried on January 23, 2007. Deborah was the one who rushed me to the hospital when my water broke. It was quite an experience to say the least, a very scary one, to the point where the anesthesiologist said I could've bled to death if the doctor didn't come "NOW." Yes, I'm serious. Going through something like that with someone makes you closer for sure.

A couple of months later, I became pregnant with Tori. Deborah was a constant source of encouragement and prayer warrior on Tori's behalf after she was born early and then became so sick. Her family encouraged me, too, as so many of you did. After Tori died, Deborah and I openly shared some of the same feelings and questions for God. "WHY?" was the major question and feelings of anger and hurt were openly expressed and never judged. We both struggled as we studied Job and discussed things honestly. I am so thankful for that brutal honesty about our fears, pains and disappointments with Tori's death. It's been almost 9 months since Tori died, and in that time, He's done lots of wonderful things and is working on healing mine, Deborah's, and so many of my family member's hearts.

In those 9 months, he has created two precious baby girls. Both of Deborah's daughter in laws became pregnant...both with baby girls. You can ask any of my friends who had baby's around the same time or after Tori: being around newborns has been VERY hard on me and Josh both. As babies get older and grow, it's become a little easier, but the tiny ones remind me SO much of Tori until it's been almost unbearable to be around them. I feared that would be the case with these two, and although it left me thinking of Tori a lot afterwards, it filled my heart with JOY to welcome Isabella Grace Clem into the world this week!

Bella was born Monday night and I was SO excited for their family! They have waited so long for this healthy, beautiful baby girl to arrive! I did something that I have NOT been able to do, nor want to do, since Tori died, and that was go to the hospital and even held her. I wanted nothing more than for them to have a healthy baby that they could love, take home in 2 days and share the rest of their lives with, and I wanted to be there to support and love on them all the best I knew how. After all, they have done that for me more than I can say. Deborah has always been sensitive to my feelings, but I assure her that I am happy for them and coudln't wait for them to get here, and I couldn't/can't! (Eden will be here in January!)

Below are some pictures of me holding Bella and Savannah watching over her. I hadn't mentioned Tori at all before we went and Savannah didn't say a word about her either.....at first. After holding Bella for awhile, I opened up her blanket to show Savannah her tiny fingers and that was what triggered Tori in Savannah's mind.

She looked at Bella's fingers and clearly said, "Tori has tiny fingers like that." I smiled and replied, "Yes, Tori did have tiny fingers like this, didn't she?" Savannah went on to ask, "Is Tori here at the hospital, too?" I said with a solemn thought, "No, baby, she's not here; where is she? You know where she is." She quickly replied, "She's in Heaven!" Again, I said, "yes, that's right, she's in Heaven with Jesus." She then looked up at me and asked, "Momma, can we go to Heaven and see her?" Thinking, how do I explain this to her, I said, "No, baby, not today; but one day we'll go to Heaven and see her." That was an end to her questions, but the continuing cycle of my heart so badly desiring to have Tori here with Savannah!


After I left the hospital, I thought about the phrase "He gives and takes away." I thought about how a new baby has been born after one baby has died. One family has suffered loss and heartache, when only a season later, another family celebrates birth and joy! I thought about how the world constantly changes, nothing stays the same, and people are born while others die everyday. The cycle of life, right?! Well, through all that cycling, one thought came to mind...."You give and take away; You give and take away. My heart will choose to say, "Lord, Blessed be Your Name."

That's what I want my prayer to be this Thanksgiving....blessing His name for all He gives....despite what He has chosen to "take away" at this time in my life. So many times I lose sight of the "big picture" and my eyes get focused on other things. I have nothing to complain about, I am so blessed. Although He has chosen to "take away" at this time in my life, He promises Joy in the morning and I look forward to the days when my joy is restored! He has already been faithful to do so in many ways, and I only look forward to what He has in store for the future, too.

Hope you and your family have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Christmas Season Kickoff

Well, we have truly kicked off the Christmas season this weekend! Never in my life have I done it before Thanksgiving (it's been some kind of mental no-no), but this year was different! I was just so excited to get things going (the music, the decorations, etc.) until I couldn't wait a whole 'nother week! :) I really think it is because we did not have any type of normal Christmas last year- it was spent in the hospital mostly, as well as Thanksgiving, so it's really been 2 years since we've done any of it. Savannah is just as psyched as I am, so I guess it's fair to say that I've been like a child at Christmas so far! :)

There's always the bittersweet part of not having Tori here, but I try not to dwell on it in a negative way, but instead remember her in a positive light as we're doing things this Christmas. For instance, pink was her color and I've gotten several angel collectibles since she's died, so it was only fitting that I bought a pretty pink, sparkly, angel ornament in memory of her to hang on our tree this year. I also thought as we were putting our angel on top of our tree this year how she is truly in the presence of angels right now. If you stop and think about it, it's pretty awesome to say the least. We put lights in our yard today, too, and to think that she's seeing the prettiest lights ever....I am certain heaven is full of light, along with shiny streets of gold, etc. My baby is seeing all that right now!! I still wish she was here to sing Christmas songs with her sister, but I will have to take comfort in remembering she is singing even greater songs to the King of Kings in His very presence!! WOW- is all I can say.

Last night we went to Red Robin at Bridge Street and had dinner with our family. We enjoyed great food and great conversation. We haven't done that with my parents and brother in quite awhile. Although we live very close to them, we don't see them hardly at all it seems. We all get too busy and have different schedules, but we need to make family time more of a priority like we did last night. We always enjoy being together.

After dinner, we froze our heiney's (sp?) off and stood outside waiting on the tree lighting ceremony to begin, when lo and behold, they had "technical difficulties" and couldn't get it to light/stay lit at first. We had fun, freezing mind you, but fun indeed. We walked around and window shopped, listened to the carolers, went to the carousel where Savannah and Micah wrote letters to Santa and lot's more! Here are some pictures below. Let me just tell you, Savannah L-O-V-E-D the carolers. We were all walking along when she stopped in front of the whole crowd that had stopped to listen to the carolers, and she was in awe. They were true carolers and went from place to place, so we saw them several times throughout the evening. One time, they even asked her to join them, so I got some good pictures of Savannah doing just that, singing along. (Once I get my new and improved camera!!, I will be able to show you even better pictures! Don't think I didn't point this out to the family several times throughout the evening because my camera is a piece of junk that is just trying to die on me....that, and my brother dropped it last night, causing it to have an even shorter life span now.)

Tonight, we went and got our tree. We get a live, frasier fir every year. It's traditional to have a LIVE tree vs. a "fake tree" in my family, so I am carrying on the tradition each year and plan to continue to do so. However, my mom finally caved two years ago since my sister and I were grown and out of the house and my brother could care less if it was real or not, and got a NICE fake tree. In case you're wondering, yes, there are different levels of niceness on fake trees. Just look at the prices. My mom lucked up and got a nice one with her employee discount that year because she was the decorating manager at a store where she did Interior decorating at Christmas and decided to invest in one then. Other than that, we've always had a real tree, and I refuse to change....for now. :) The good part is there's not AS many needles that fall off (in my opinion) with a frasier fir vs. a regular ole pine needle tree. Anywho, that's the long drawn out version, and we got ours tonight. There are some pictures below of our fantastic evening together. I told my husband that my night was complete....decorating our Christmas tree together as a family, "cardboard pizza" for dinner (what we call our cheap, boxed pizza we love!), and my Mariah Carey Christmas CD...what else could a girl want?!

Needless to say, it's been a good weekend! Tell me about yours if you've been getting in the Christmas (not holiday) spirit, too! Merry Christmas!

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

I LOVE Christmas in case you didn't know! NOT because of receiving gifts, although unfortunately that wasn't always the case as a child and even teenager. I have truly discovered and cherish the true meaning of Christmas, and first and foremost that is that the greatest gift of all is celebrated at Christmas time....and that is the birth of our Savior. Without His birth, and in the coolest way possible I might add, Christmas would be pointless. Who would have ever expected a King to come in a manger in a bed of straw?? You would expect the best hospital, personal nursing care, and all the things money could buy. No, He came humbly and willing even then. He loved us that much to sacrifice even a grand entrance. Have you ever thought of it that way? I say it that way because I'm sure He could have changed that, don't you think?! Because He was the Son of God, He even had the power to get off that cross when he died, but He chose not to. He sacrificially gave of Himself. Wow, He loves us that much. So, that is the MOST important thing about Christmas, but guess what else makes Christmas important and special to me?? Well, I'm glad you asked...just let me tell you....

Family....togetherness....traditions.....carols....GIVING gifts.....kindness....compassion....and the list goes on. Although Christmas has become very commercialized through the years, I love all the decorating, the family and friend get togethers, the singing Christmas music in our cars, our homes, our church's, our schools, and the feeling that comes with this time of year by the majority of people. I LOVE buying gifts for others. Although money is really tight this year, I love bargain shopping and finding good deals on gifts I think family members will really love, especially Savannah. That is one of the things I love most about Christmas: giving Savannah the kinds of Christmas' I grew up having and now cherish as I think back on them.

The sad part to this perfect sounding story for me this year....Tori is not here to share it with us. I wish with all my heart that she was....nothing would thrill my heart more than to see my two girls wake up together on Christmas morning like my sister and I always did, and see their smiling faces Christmas day. As I see Savannah get excited about the lights, the Christmas music and what she wants to ask Santa for this year, I am constantly reminded that I should have TWO girls doing these things this year. This is why they say the Holidays can be some of the most depressing times of the year vs. the most wonderful time of the year. It is often times when people miss their loved ones who have died and long for them to still be here to share in the family traditions, etc.

One of the first things we will be doing to "kickoff" this Christmas season is to attend the first annual Christmas tree lighting and light show afterwards tomorrow night at Bridge Street Town Center, an outdoor, european style shopping center here in Huntsville, much like the Summit in B'ham. YES, I am aware that it is supposed to be FREEZING, but every Christmas season we go one night as a family (with my extended family) to dinner and do something special together. This year will be this event tomorrow night. Their will be caroling and warm drinks to accompany us! :) We will have dinner there, too. I am looking very forward to it and then also to putting our tree up Saturday night! We ALWAYS do it the weekend after Thanksgiving, but since we will be hosting family at our home the weekend on/after Thanksgiving, we are going to do it this weekend.

I hope you and your family are "catching the Christmas spirit" this year and are remembering the REASON FOR THE SEASON! Cherish each other and celebrate the fact that you are TOGETHER this year. If someone in your family is missing, hug the ones you do have a little tighter....

Camera Happy

Doesn't the title of my blog usually mean that someone is taking a lot of pictures if they're being "camera happy?" Well, that's not so much what I mean today (but will in a few weeks), but rather that I am SO ecstatic about my upcoming Christmas present from my mom and hubby!

I have asked for NOTHING for Christmas. When my mom asked me last week what I wanted, I said NOTHING. I want it all to be about Savannah this year and nothing for myself. Weeeellll, that was until I had an offer today that I couldn't refuse! (I am blogging about it because I am SO excited and can't hardly believe it, so just appease me and read, thanks!!!)

I have priced Nikon D40's for awhile now because of how many pictures I take with Savannah and all, but thought "I'll NEVER be able to afford a camera like that." I do NOT have the extra cash to do so, because brand new D40's are priced around 500 and up. The D50's, one step up, are priced $650 and up. So, I've been drooling and dreaming over them.

My good friend, Emily, has had a D50 she's been using. She actually took our latest family pictures with it (one of which is the picture at the top of my blog). It is a dream come true (for us both) that she got a D80 for her Birthday and in casual conversation today she said she was going to be selling her old one for $250. I knew what a deal this was, even for a used one, and told her to hold off until I asked my mom and hubby if they'd like to make this my one and only Christmas present. They have both agreed to go in half and do this for me! Yipeeeeeee! That is all I want, and any Christmas money I get from anyone will go towards this $125 part Josh is going to put out for me as well (I always feel guilty buying anything for myself now that we have a child).

I only wish that I could go back and take a lot of Savannah's pictures as a baby with my upcoming Christmas gift! I will have to make up for lost time now and am sure you'll be seeing plenty of crisp, clear pictures of her in the future!! :)

Copycat

Thanks to my friend Christy, I have an idea. I'll tell you some things about me, but then you have to share some things about YOU! I don't open up to others enough, so this is a good chance to do so....as well as get to know you all better :) ALSO- I have been wanting to post this for awhile and keep forgetting, but if you have a blog, please let me know so I can read it and keep up with you! I don't know who a lot of my readers are anymore, my blogpatrol says they are from all over, but I'd like to read your thoughts as well. Thanks!! Look forward to "meeting" you!

• I am a very detailed and organized person. I have a lot of OCD tendencies, don't worry...not crazy, off the wall things, but like wanting to keep the house neat, things organized, etc. I like to have things planned most of the time, but wish I was more sporatic! (Working on this) I DO take Zoloft to help with depression and anxiety, though. Not ashamed, either.
• I am a DIET COKE ADDICT. My kidneys will probably shut down any day now. I HAVE to have a diet coke...like...all the time. Not good, I know. I've tried to cut back, but continue to fail. Do you think they could make Diet Coke patches like nicotene patches??
• I have a VERY hard time opening up to people and trusting in general. Okay, so you probably knew this from my previous posts, but thought I would throw it out there.
• I was almost 200 pounds when I had Savannah! There, you have it! A woman told her weight...and on a public site! I am not ashamed. I still haven't lost all my baby weight from her, my miscarriage, or Tori. Although I'd like to be several sizes smaller and am working at it, I've come to accept my figure for how it is now. My babies helped put it there, so I try to look at it that way :)
• I AM a natural blonde, although the older I get, the darker my hair gets. I have to keep it highlighted these days. It's a pain in the butt, too....
• I do NOT like CAKE or most sweets. I know, shocker, huh?! I HEART Cheesecake and certain other things, but I'm not a big chocolate fan. Can you believe it?! A woman that doesn't crave chocolate?? Let's just say it's a good thing, or I would still be near 200 pounds! :)
• I LOVE singing to the radio and playing guitar Hero on EASY, but that's about as far as my musical talent goes. My husband rolls his eyes when we're driving down the road and I am jamming as loud as I can! :)
• I want 2 more children but am really worried that this won't happen. It's not something I've rushed to talk or think about since Tori died, but this has always been my heart's desire, and I'm afraid I won't be able to. I am SO blessed to have just Savannah if that's what the Lord has for me, but I would LOVE to have another baby...or two. (I LOVE being a mother!!)
• I don't like to read, so I have several books I've started and never finished. Kind of sad, because I have no clue how they end. One day, one day....I'll finish them.
• I love Carrie Underwood and The Dixie Chick's old stuff. I heart Mariah Carey's Christmas CD...I could listen to it year round. I love Natalie Grant...I saw her singing at a church when she first started out. I love, love some good female vocalists...but definitely have some fave male vocalists, too!
• The Notebook is my all time, favorite movie! The duck and rain scene is my favorite! (Yes, I'm a romantic at heart!) I love snuggling and quality time is definitely my love language!
• When I'm down in the dumps, buying somethng makes me feel better...and it also gets me in trouble with my husband. Just buying groceries can be therapeutic for me! I know, weird, right??
• I love my family and wished I lived in Danielsville, GA with lots of land and we all lived close to each other and had big huge dinners with our big huge families and big huge six digit salaries to live off of! :) *what a run on sentence, I know.

Okay, so I'm REALLY tired of talking about myself. I'm now ready to hear from YOU. Get busy.

Brighter Days

Tomorrow I will begin a "new" job. I have actually had this job before, but when I was 6 months pregnant with Tori, I quit to be able to stay home with my 2 girls and work at MDO at our church part time where my kids could go with me. It was really a blessing in disguise that I quit I guess; there was no way I could have maintained a job while in Nashville with Tori for so long. They would have had to of found someone to replace me because I was out 6months with her. Not to mention the fact that I did NOT work again at all until the summer (a few hours a day at MDO at a local church) because I needed some time to just "be" after her death. I did that through the summer until the MDO at our church started back up in the fall where I am 2 days a week again.

Well, back in September, everything began to get much tighter for our family (with the economy the way it is, who isn't it tight for??). I knew I was going to have to add something else to the fire to help out. We went in for a sick visit with Savannah, and I decided to ask my previous job (which was before the secretarial position I am starting back tomorrow), my daughter's pediatrician's office, if they needed any help. I figured I could work there through the winter months (when they are most busy) and see what happens next spring or summer. It's NOT really what I "wanted" to do, but I was willing to do it. It was good because I knew the doctors and all the staff, how they do things and didn't have to learn anything, just start. I have been doing that 3 days a week since September, along with MDO 2 days a week to still be able to be home with Savannah some.

I got a phone call 2 weeks ago where all that changed for me, though. The job I am starting tomorrow is the secretarial position at University Baptist Church in Huntsville and I loved it when I was there! I loved my job and what I did (I love designing the bulletin, newsletter, powerpoint, etc.) and I also love the people there. They were all brought into my life for a reason, I know that without a shadow of a doubt, and it's NO coincidence that they are being brought back into my life again I know.

UBC is where I miscarried in January 2007. My water broke upstairs in the church and my dear friend/second mother rushed me to the hospital. This is where I have been in my life when I've lost 2 children, a very hard and difficult time in my life, but this church family has been much like my own, encouraging and praying for me all along the way. The staff is awesome. I love their "new" pastor. I say new because he came while I was there (which it has been a year and 4 months since I worked there...it seems like longer).

I am looking forward to going back, to an uplifting environment vs. all the wordly stuff that can drag you down at most jobs. It is good medicine for my soul to be around other believers at my job. Not something most people get to do, and don't get me wrong, we should definitely be around non believers to be able to impact them, but hopefully you know what I mean about not battling all the worldly things as much in this type of environment.

I will still be working MDO at our church 2 days a week for now, to be able to be home with Savannah more, but I am praying about what the Lord has in store for me. More to come later. I have lots of unanswered questions with God right now...prayer for wisdom, discernment and guidance would be helpful.

This is a true BLESSING that the Lord has given me again, and I don't take that lightly. "Thank you, Lord, for opening this door!" This was much more on a brighter note than my last post, but hey, at least I am trying to point out the positive. :)

When it Hits, it Hits Hard

Last night I got home about 8:30 and after putting Savannah to bed, I actually had an evening that I didn't have a trillion things to do, so I decided to sit down and see what was on TV. Nothing out of the ordinary for most people, but I haven't been able to just sit and watch TV as I used to for time limitations and because I choose to do other things a lot of the time now. (Don't get me wrong, there are still my favorite shows that I DO make time for!) Anyway, the point is that it was the first time in awhile I just sat down and started flipping through the channels with no agenda in mind.

WHY?!? WHY did I have to flip to NBC and it be the beginning of ER. Now I've seen ER in previous seasons, and am not even sure if this was a rerun or a current episode because I don't follow it, but it was a lot of new characters that I don't remember being on it when I've seen it before. I decided to stay on the channel and within the first two minutes, before they even put the title of the show up, they showed a dad in the river that had gone off the sidewalk with his stroller and the baby was in the water somewhere and he couldn't find her. Her doll was floating to the top and he was screaming frantically trying to find her. Needless to say, I began to turn the channel because it was too heartbreaking for me to even think about, much less watch.

But as a few minutes passed, my interest was already sparked of how it turned out. (I really hope this was not a new episode and I am spoiling someone who has tivo'd it and not seen it yet! Man, I would feel bad!) SO, I turned back to watch it, even though the thought of a baby dying was incredibly painful and stressing me immensely at the moment. Coming to peace with your daughter dying is one thing, but when something like this strikes a place in your heart, it hits and it hits HARD emotionally out of the blue.

As I wacthed it, it was the doctor working on this little girl (which they did find in the water) that had lost her son suddenly to leukemia when he had a seizure and stroke and died after rushing him to the hospital and they never had a chance to say goodbye. Through all the trauma and drama going on between the girl that was in the river (which lived) and the doctor having constant flashbacks of her little boy dying, it was horrible. I screamed out, crying, actually bawling like a baby after it was over, because I felt that pain ALL OVER AGAIN.

She said something to a coworker at the end that hit home to me when she was asked "What happened in there when you were working on her? Did you have a patient that was a kid that died or something?" (She had been extra passionate and trying to fight for this little girl because all the time she was "flashing back" to the day her son died when only moments earlier he had been at the park throwing a ball and they had no idea he was sick- he had acute leukemia with no signs) She answered, "Yes, I did, that KID was my son. He died in Trauma 1 (which was the room down the hall and the coworker looked at her in disbelief)." He said he was so sorry, that he had no idea or what to say now, except that he was sorry for her loss. She replied with the statement that hurt my heart, "When you louse a spouse, you're called a widow, when you lose your parents, you're called an orphan, but when you lose your child, there's no word for that." All I could think was Motherless. Needless to say, I broke down.

I have been REALLY struggling lately. I UNfortunately have it down pat wearing the mask and hiding the pain all too often, but last night there was none of that. I was depressed after this episode and cried myself to sleep as I was home alone and I had thought back to the day Tori died in great detail, how sudden it was, how awful it felt and how unreal it was afterwards. I yelled some things to God, and I'm glad He just listens when we're emotional and understands our emotions, but I was also mad at Him at that moment to be honest. "It's so unfair," I thought! "I want her HERE this Christmas! Please give her back to me! I don't want to feel this pain forever, even if at sporatic times like this! I hate this!" All this just kind of tipped off all my struggling and depression lately. I have withdrawn from several friendships and things I usually participate in, for being tired emotionally and trying. Again, these are all things people can hide well in case this comes as a shock. Yes, I'm human.

I then got up this morning and read Matthew Litchfield's caring bridge page, the little boy we met at RMcD House last fall and who died just 2 weeks ago. It was his mom writing on the 2 week anniversary of his death and it broke my heart. I was right there with her with how unfair she thought it was, the sadness and anger she's feeling and I understood. I DO know that God allowed these two precious children, Tori and Matthew, go home early for a reason, although I don't know why. I will press on and live for Tori because that's the best way to honor her, but I still have weak moments like last night. Thanks for listening.

**I write this for my own journaling purposes, but if you're reading this, you can know that even though someone loses a child, a spouse, a loved one, etc. and "moves on" with life, doesn't mean that they don't still hurt behind the scenes months and even years later. Be sensitive and encourage others like Matthew's mom. www.caringbridge.org/visit/matthewlitchfield

Fall Fun

This past weekend we went to Dothan, AL, where my husband's family is from (and where I lived for 5 years), and we had a BLAST! We took Savannah to the National Peanut Festival , a yearly tradition and a must for all Dothan residents! It's a huge fair, the biggest and best I've ever attended, and tons of family fun that we pack into one night! I "jokingly" said the only reason I go is for all the yummy food....from roasted corn to "The Corn Dog Man," boiled peanuts, candy apples, elephant ears, cotton candy, and cinnamon rolls (those are all MY Favorites and a yearly must for me, although there is TONS More!!).









This year was the second year that we have taken Savannah, but the first that she was big enough to do some things without an adult. (Last year we missed it for the first time in years because we were in Nashville with Tori) She had a ball and enjoyed riding all the rides for her age group, although mom, dad, Nana Lo and a family friend's little boy (Landon) did ride with her on most of them! She did drive a car all by herself as you will see in the picture below.







Needless to say, we had a good time and enjoyed being with our family and friends. What a blessing it was to be able to enjoy this time of the year with those we love...something I don't take for granted anymore and think about more than ever. I really missed Tori and although I didn't say it out loud to anyone, I sure wished she was there riding with her big sister this year. Those 2 girls would've been a sight! Tori would be 14 months old and Savannah just turned 3 in October. They would have been the best of playmates I'm sure...and even fought well, too. :) Not a day goes by that I don't long to see my girls together. I know the Lord knows what He was doing, but it still tugs at my heart and hurts nonetheless. Enjoy our pictures and God Bless!